Author Topic: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?  (Read 10679 times)

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Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #60 on: October 27, 2009, 12:46:45 PM »
Ahh I knew it would come down to that.  Apparently I'm in the poor graces of all MILs because I won't say what they want to hear.  Maybe I'm saying things that you haven't thought of.  Helping someone doesn't mean you agree with them about everything or that you coddle their every emotion.  Helping can be giving the other perspective.

I feel so at home now that Anna's said that...I feel so at my MILs home.

2chickiebaby

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #61 on: October 27, 2009, 12:55:45 PM »
Please don't do this to us.  We get enough of this elsewhere.  We have nowhere else to go but here and I appreciate all you have to say.  We don't have all the answers, that's for sure.

But when you say things that are condescending, it isn't what we need. No one does.  We have welcomed you so, please.

Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #62 on: October 27, 2009, 01:07:11 PM »
I have done my best with my MIL she is "tired of trying" in which case I have to just accept that she doesn't want to be apart of our lives.  But don't be so quick to assume that I am cutting her out.  My Husband wants nothing to do with her. 

Condescending: showing or implying a usually patronizing descent from dignity or superiority

That is in no way what I'm doing.  I'm trying to speak for the DILs that's all.  I'm trying to say that a lot of our problems come from each party not listening to the other and I'm hearing what the MILs are saying and I'm responding.  I figure you MILs have unresolved problems and I have insight just like I have unresolved problems and you have insight.  When I respond to you I try to provide a why so that there is some sort of understanding, I however frequently get "you are wrong" not "I think this is wrong because..." I'm sure this site isn't only to complain, isn't it trying to get undrstanding? I want to understand my situation so I can eventually accept it.  I don't just want to complain about it.

AnnieB

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #63 on: October 27, 2009, 01:07:29 PM »
Ahh I knew it would come down to that.  Apparently I'm in the poor graces of all MILs because I won't say what they want to hear.  Maybe I'm saying things that you haven't thought of.  Helping someone doesn't mean you agree with them about everything or that you coddle their every emotion.  Helping can be giving the other perspective.

I feel so at home now that Anna's said that...I feel so at my MILs home.

Wow, Ihopeuknow --- can you find specifically where I said things that made you think you are in poor graces with me?  Because I didn't see that I was disagreeing with you or pushing you away at all -- in fact, I thought I was finding some common ground. 

I think it can be very hard to communicate by writing things down -- maybe we can unravel where the communication in here went wrong - what I said that made you think that, so I can learn what I said that did it.

Really, I think this is how things go wrong between people (not just DIL and MIL) -- I say one thing and think I am being clear, it is interpreted another way, then I'm surprised by the reaction and respond defensively, etc. and we're off and arguing, when nobody intended it to be that way.



AnnieB

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #64 on: October 27, 2009, 01:18:33 PM »
No, Anna -- the piece I quoted refers to this poor young woman thinking she is in the "poor graces of all MIL's"  -- and I notice that she's not responded directly to any of my posts.  I am a MIL, therefore, I feel included in those comments and would really like to know specifically what my posts have said that have led her to feel as she does.

As she says she feels so like she is in her MIL's house, this is exactly how I feel with my one DIL -- I don't understand and am hoping to figure out how somethings I say that seem friendly or harmless to me, can be interpreted as alienating to another.

:)
« Last Edit: October 27, 2009, 01:20:10 PM by AnnieB »

Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #65 on: October 27, 2009, 01:26:18 PM »
Annie, Anna and I have had a little back and forth going so I was generalizing based on her and Chickie's last few comments which basically said I was being condescending and not understanding them.  I feel that quick response is a failsafe...my own MIL says the same things whenever I am of an opinion that is not the same as hers.  I would rather hear why it seems to my MIL and to these women here why they think what I've said is condescending than being told that it simply is.  I can't change my behavior if I don't understand what's wrong with it just like my MIL or any MIL can't change hers if she doesn't see what a DIL or her DIL might find wrong with it.

I commend you Annie for asking why...it very well maybe the most important question in the MIL-DIL relationship.