Author Topic: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?  (Read 10675 times)

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2chickiebaby

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #30 on: October 26, 2009, 04:02:34 PM »
Only in our culture is this true.  Too bad for us.  Other cultures, this is not true.

2chickiebaby

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #31 on: October 26, 2009, 04:09:49 PM »
yes, you're right....

Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #32 on: October 26, 2009, 05:09:29 PM »
I still refer to my previous statement and what I think the root of the problem is:

Boys don't care.  They didn't care for the first 18-25 years of their lives and so they defaulted to their Moms and did whatever made Mom happy because they didn't care either way.  They get married and they still don't care.  They don't care but their wife does so they default to wife because after all they don't care, why not make wife happy. 

ex: Age 18 Mom is having a BBQ Son doesn't have anything better to do --> Son goes to BBQ
ex: Age 22 Mom is having a BBQ Son has plans to watch football with the boys. Mom gets sad.
     Son can watch football at home and doesn't want Mom to be sad --> Son goes to BBQ
ex: Age 25 Mom is having a BBQ Son/boyfriend has plans to go shopping with girlfriend. Mom gets
     sad.  Son doesn't want Mom or girlfriend to be sad. --> Son goes with girlfriend to BBQ half
     the time goes shopping later.
ex: Married Mom is having a BBQ Son has plans with wife.  Wife doesn't want to go to BBQ because she feels animosity from MIL. Son doesn't want Mom to be sad but doesn't want his wife to be upset either.  He doesn't care either way whether or not he goes, lives with wife and loves her. --> Son doesn't go to BBQ. MIL blames DIL for tearing son away.

IF son cared to go he would speak up he and DIL would talk it out and they would decide.  If sons weren't so easy going and laid back then MILs wouldn't have to blame the DIL for having a preference and opinion.  It's not our fault our husbands default to us.

2chickiebaby

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #33 on: October 26, 2009, 05:14:41 PM »
oy vey!

It's not that simple.  It just isn't...this woman set out to destroy us and she has done it.  Again, you don't know our situation just like I don't know yours. 

mom2

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #34 on: October 26, 2009, 05:39:19 PM »
ie..BBQ

I would sure tend to think DIL did have something to do with son not going to the BBQ since last ex was ' DIL doesn't want to go to the BBQ and why ? because of MIL'

There does come a time when we have to leave it alone. Yes, my son grew up, yes he is married, yes, I am hated. and chickiebaby, I did tell my DIL off and dumped her and him both after I did it ! Best thing I have ever done.

mom2

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #35 on: October 26, 2009, 06:05:24 PM »
Isn't the name of this site ' Mother in Laws unite '?

It is for us to talk, compare, comfort and lean on each other. I think it's worse than bad when someone gets on here and says " we are wallowing" .
I feel like  this... Who's business is it if we do wallow? I was treated badly by my DIL until I stood up to her so I plan on standing up here as well.



Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #36 on: October 26, 2009, 06:11:16 PM »
Isn't the name of this site ' Mother in Laws unite '?
It is for us to talk, compare, comfort and lean on each other.

That is what it's here for.  For you to talk and get support and support each other. To get help and provide help.  But wallowing won't help.  Feeling sorry for yourselves won't help.  You said that you felt better once you stood up to your DIL.  That's great.  To make stands.  But wallowing and being miserable...banding together to feel pitiful...that's not what strong women do.

You can do what you want but I would hope that it wouldn't be wallowing.  I hope it would be something more productive.  If not, that's not any of my concern, I was just suggesting a different course.

Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #37 on: October 26, 2009, 06:29:19 PM »
My suggestion was don't wallow and find ways to "fix it"...I don't know what each individual solution is but I do know that the solution isn't "give up", "tell her off", "tell her to get our of your life", "shut them out" or any of those options.  "Fix it" means a number of different things but wht it doesn't mean is feel sorry for yourself, it doesn't mean demonize her.  "Fix it" means find the good in your DIL, find a way to reconnect, find and use humility, etc.  It means so many things and it means it in so many different ways.  Just like each situation is different each "fix it" is as well.

mom2

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #38 on: October 26, 2009, 06:35:49 PM »
Sorry to tell you but you can be strong and still be sorry for what the situation is. I had to do what I had to do but that still doesn't mean I liked it.


Someday you will know where we are coming from but until then please don't judge how we feel. I would think it pretty normal to wallow a little when your kid wants nothing to do with you anymore ( and for no reason ).

Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #39 on: October 26, 2009, 06:40:24 PM »
Anna: Like I said how am I supposed to know what you and your DIL need.  It's like you guys want a quick fix and if we can't give you the exact solution you don't want to work towards finding it yourself. 

and Mom2 just like I don't know what it's like to be a MIL you don't know what it's like to be a DIL who feels their MIL dislikes them for silly reasons or is blaming them for stuff they have no control over.  I guess we're stalemated in that regard.  But that doesn't mean we can't try to understand one another.

Offline Pen

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #40 on: October 26, 2009, 06:48:47 PM »
I do know how it feels to be rejected by my MIL - the first one was horrid, but the second was fabulous. I've tried to use her example.

DIL does not like us and wants nothing to do with us. Total rejection of who we are - values, interests, jobs, style, looks, intelligence or lack there of, etc. Nothing to fix, since we can't turn into totally different people, right? And we can't turn into her parents, so we're doomed. When grandkids come we can be sure not to see them (since no one in their right mind would leave their children with people they hate.)

I do allow myself some wallow time since there is nothing I can do to help this situation. Then I get up and do something for myself. It doesn't take away the pain.

I hope you never have to go through this, any of you DILs out there...think about it.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #41 on: October 26, 2009, 06:51:32 PM »
Anna: Maybe give in.  Maybe do things her way.  I mean if that's what she wants then why not try it.  Maybe after giving her, her way enough times she'll start to trust you and when you suggest things done a different way she might comply.  I don't know if that's the answer I'm just listening to what you say and throwing out ideas.  I mean if she's so high strung you can be the better person by being so laid back that she has nothing to complain about.  Then 1 of 2 things happen.  1- she comes around or 2- your son sees that 'wow nothing makes her happy' and he moves on.  It takes more patience and grace than I know I have, but then again I'm not a mother and I know that a mother has unlimited resources for their child.

mom2

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #42 on: October 26, 2009, 06:57:50 PM »
I won't even say I want to fix it at this point because it's not even her now, it's me ( I admit that ) I went from heartbroken to pissed. Don't give up ? there again we don't know each others situations and mine was hell. I tried to fix it for many years. Demonize her? she did that to herself.

I just thought talking about it here with kind Moms and DIL's may inspire me to want to fix it again but when I get negative feed back I'm standing still again.





just2baccepted

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #43 on: October 26, 2009, 10:40:25 PM »
he has told me that he wants me in his life

Anna if your son says this to you and you still have a strong desire to maintain the relationship with the whole family then it sounds to me like you have a pretty good foundation to build on.  Maybe you could ask your son if he'd like to have lunch, just the two of you.  Would DIL get jealous over that.  And if she does, so what?  Its just a mother and son having lunch together.  I just think that these sons should be able to see how irrational their wives are being if they get upset over something like that.

AnnieB

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Daughter's a Daughter.... Son is a Son
« Reply #44 on: October 27, 2009, 07:41:42 AM »
I've been away and trying now to catch up on everything in here, so pardon me if I miss stuff. 

In my opinion, Ihopeuknow has made some very good DIL points and I am processing them and appreciate the sharing.

Of course I can only speak for myself.  Mother of three sons and a single mother to boot.  My sons used to joke about how they would have a room for me in the back (or basement or attic) of their own houses, to support me in my old age!

What I am struggling to learn now as they go off and have their own lives is -- who am I now in their lives?   Not really their mothers in the way I was - but still, the mother who did her best to raise them.  The two who are married do not need my advice or help anymore (thank God, they have wives who they turn to now!)   The one still in h.s. may come to me some for advises, but he's also learning to make his own decisions.   

It is painful but often true in our culture - the little poem Ihopeuknow cited - a daughter's a daughter for all of your life, a son is a son til he takes him a wife.   It depends of course on the families and the cultures  It can just as well be true that the married couple becomes closer to the son's side of the family. (in my ex's family, and because of the dysfunctionality of my family, we actually were close to his family).   

But it is more complex that this poem, I think.   

We are watching our sons grow up and change -- this often happens to sons and daughters as they mature and experience the world.  They move away from what is familiar and develop in ways their families find unfamiliar, unlike the children we knew. 

Because my sons were in their 30's when they married, they'd already done this -- it happens with or without a spouse.  It's part of growing up and becoming your own person. 

You may end up just like mama and papa thought you should or would, but it's very likely you are going to be someone entirely different, a stranger to them.  All parents have to deal with this.   Sometimes a new DIL or SIL can become a target for the blame, when really -- it is life that is to blame.

And most likely, our children chose this person because our children were already changing from who we thought they were, or who we think they should be - and this is the mate that fits them.   I still don't get why my first son chose who he did, but he did and it's his decision to live with.

However, I also don't believe that this little poem is giving permission or means that the son totally rejects his birth family.   

I do think SOME DIL's take it that way, kind of shrug and say, "too bad, he's with me now" as if it's an either or thing..., a win or lose thing.  Yes, the DIL has the son now.  But what happened to honoring your father and mother?  Does this now mean our sons get married, wave good bye and we're out of the picture forever because we had sons, not daughters?   

If I thought the finish of all I've tried to do for the past 41 years (whether I've done it well or not) was that I was going to be abandoned and disowned by all three of my sons, I would be totally heartbroken and my 3rd son, still at home, would be the one who probably felt my bitterness.  As would my DIL's.   But I don't think it's true -- our place in the family is changing.

That's enough to deal with, realizing all these steps in letting go of our children, trying to find our new role (let alone the changes our bodies are going through that impact on the other stages of our life). 

It's a lesson I don't think young mothers are told they are going to have to deal with - instantly.  It can be a shock, and I think there is little tolerance given to us as we stumble through it.

Instead, we get lumped into this category of The Mother-in-Law, with all of the less than tolerant adjectives that go along with it -- controlling, bitchy, evil, etc.   (and even behind every one of the MIL's who might deserve those adjectives there probably is a woman who is wondering what the hell happened to her life as a mommy.)

When you add conflict between DIL and MIL -- and we close each other out -- or one closes the other out -- and things escalate and nobody is speaking, and things fall apart.  It takes self-awareness and maturity on both sides to deal with this.  And despite the credit  for that we give ourselves and the lack thereof we assign to the Other Woman,  most likely the Other Woman is doing exactly the same.     

Maybe it takes some time, it surely takes some easing off of the name calling and blaming.

Meanwhile, in here,  most of the MIL's are processing our hurt, anger, sadness, grief -- because in some cases there is nothing that can be done to "fix" the situation, maybe not right away.  Maybe never.  (or maybe it just feels that way).  We try to process our pain by getting it out to each other, rather than to the Other Woman.  We try to make each other feel better by listening to each other and nodding and showing how we understand. 

At least, that's how I see it all.