Author Topic: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?  (Read 10678 times)

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2chickiebaby

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #15 on: October 25, 2009, 01:14:46 PM »
Any woman or man who either encourages or manipulates their wives or husbands to distance themselves from their family does not love them.

They only want control. 

Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #16 on: October 25, 2009, 01:27:45 PM »
Such powerful DILs.  I find that what you women are saying about your DILs is exactly what my MIL is saying about me.  It's sad because that's not who I am and it's not what I'm doing, but how am I or any other DIL supposed to prove that.  Whatever we do is a part of some crazy ploy we have.

My husband and MIL are not speaking and somewhere in a room there are people who think this is all my fault. 

2chickiebaby

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #17 on: October 25, 2009, 01:48:10 PM »
Yes, Daughter in laws are the most powerful force on earth. I once thought Mothers were but I don't anymore.

I don't know what happened with your Mother in law to have all this happen and I can understand your husband wanting to assert his independence but something changed fundamentally in him that is discernable only to a Mother.

Last night we were with a couple who are older than our sons.  The Mother and Dad said to me: "son is married now and we do not like his wife."  I told them that I was sorry about that. 

She said the girl/woman was so rude to them that it was unbelievable.  I was shocked because these people are darling.  She doesn't seem as upset as we are because she has a daughter. That makes all the difference. 

You seem like you've tried to fix this and I admire that in you. I would have climbed mountains if my DIL had done this.  Keep trying for everyone's sake.  It isn't worth it to remain enemies.  When something is wrong with either your kids or your parents, everything in your life get off balance until it's better.

You know that if your Husband had a falling out with your family, it would hurt you deeply.  You would walk through fire to make it better.  I know that I would have.  It's so strange to all of us in this position that this situation is reserved only for the Mother and Dad of the son. 

2chickiebaby

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #18 on: October 25, 2009, 02:29:40 PM »
There was a boy I once knew here in our community who had gotten off into the wrong crowd.  He was a good kid at heart and his Mother was heartbroken because he was pulling away from her and this crowd was taking him over.

He liked and admired us as a family so I saw him oneday and talked to him.  I told him that I thought the world was at his feet and that he was at a crossroads.  Taking one road would lead to great things but staying with this crowd would ruin him.

To this day, he thanks me and is so grateful that I talked to him.  Only because he admired us did he listen to me.  He took the good road and got away from the bad influence.  His Mother was so relieved because she was being pushed out.

It's much the same way with a DIL.  They have such a powerful role in the relationship that they either want the inlaws gone or they want them distanced.  Never their own family.  They want control just like the wrong crowd did with this boy.

mom2

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #19 on: October 25, 2009, 03:24:56 PM »
Yes, our sons are supposed to grow up but not become someone else. We knew our DIL before our son married her, we knew her personality, her moods, likes, dislikes and most of her goals ( the only thing we didn't know was that she didn't really like us). When our son changed he took on all her thoughts ideas and ways. I have known and talked to the DIL so I would know that my son acts just like her. Everything about him changed, his favorite color is now hers, favorite foods ( hers) etc...

The DIL may not consciously know this is happening but her attitude toward his parents will eventually become his.

2chickiebaby

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #20 on: October 25, 2009, 05:24:43 PM »
The worst part about this is that after many years, sometimes the man awakens and finds he's lost his entire identity plus his family.

He can't quite remember how he got to this place but "the my way or the highway" attitude is insidious.  A woman has a powerful role in a man's life. It's up to her whatever the outcome is.

Women don't want puppets but to keep these women, they become them.  I think women despise them.




Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #21 on: October 26, 2009, 12:42:37 PM »
My husband and I don't like to make decisions without each other.  Isn't that a product of being married?  Don't a husband and wife consult one another before making plans?  I just don't understand the "control" aspect of a man and wife communicating and compromising. For the most part boys care less than girls about most things.  They're more easy going and less emotional and maybe the discord is a product of a man just not caring that much. 

I think mothers get hurt because for the first half of a man's life it's easier to concede to his mom.  He doesn't care about something so whatever makes mom happy is fine.  Then he gets married and there's a new woman and he doesn't care about something but she does so he just does what makes her happy...

2chickiebaby

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #22 on: October 26, 2009, 12:46:59 PM »
I know what you mean, Anna. The worst part of this is the damage it has done to my health and the heart of my husband.  I don't know of a man who is more loved by all he knows than my husband. 

I blame us, because there is no one else to blame.  It's not anyone's fault but ours that he would be attracted to this woman. I remember, early on, when one of his friends passed away.

They were not married then but I have never seen anybody get so upset, not at the death but at our son who was comforting his family!  Her words: "he is spending too much time with them and not with me!!"

I think he went over there 3 times total.  He was one of his best friends. 

It's hopeless for us.

There are people getting rich off of Mothers in law.  There are so many bashing websites with ads on them that you wouldn't believe it.  Every little thing the MIL does is either narcissistic, manipulative, needy, using, mental illness or just plain crazy.  Can we all be that bad if we raised good kids? 

Really?  That bad?  It's so too late for us but I'll spend the rest of my life warning other mother's of sons, "watch out!!!  She could be right around the corner"

Luise, you should write a book and put it on this site for sale. You'd make a ton of money!  I hope you're doing okay....thinking of you~~

Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #23 on: October 26, 2009, 01:26:13 PM »
Anna I guess you would say that I'm insecure and a bad DIL because my husband and I don't go to family events if we both can't attend.  His family lives almost 4 hours away and my extended family 2.5 hrs which means if either of us is going to an event it's an overnight/weekend stay and we both think it's a little weird for us to go without the other. I don't think I'm insecure because we want to go to events together and share in special things together I just think we like each other.  We married each other because we wanted to share this life together.  We do certain things apart he plays poker, I go shopping with the girls etc but for the most part we do things together.

Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #24 on: October 26, 2009, 01:52:25 PM »
I can say that the distance is a huge factor in why we don't like to go to functions without each other.  I'm sure that he might go to more if they were closer distance wise.  As it is now I like 10 mins away from my parents and we see her twice a week and we both go. 

I know for myself I feel that my ILs don't like me and I would feel strange if he went to a number of family functions without me. 

2chickiebaby

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #25 on: October 26, 2009, 01:57:51 PM »
I see.....you're afraid that they will say something about you to him while he is there? 

It wouldn't make any difference to him would it? 

Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #26 on: October 26, 2009, 02:16:38 PM »
My husband doesn't want to go without me.  I have sent him to meet with his parents a couple of times thinking it might easy the tension but he refuses.  He thinks it's strange too.  We think of it this way.  I wouldn't hang out with or spend a lot of time with anyone that didn't like my husband out of love and respect for him and he doesn't want to spend time with anyone that doesn't like me. 

2chickiebaby

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #27 on: October 26, 2009, 02:17:52 PM »
Please tell me why they don't like you?

Ihopeuknow

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #28 on: October 26, 2009, 02:54:22 PM »
2Chickiebaby: I wish I knew...that's why I came here.  I wanted to see what other MILs were thinking to see if I could garner some insight that way.  I'm gaining that insight.  As offensive as some people might find this I do believe she believes "I stole her baby boy".  I said in my original post that is the first in his family to move away from home to go to college and he met me 3 months after starting school.  His life was changing as a result of growing up and being in this new environment, but MIL assumes that I'm to blame for his new lease on life and all the new ideas he gained moving away from home and going to a liberal arts college of all places.

Anna: He did have a good relationship with his family until he went to college and they were not very understanding that he did not want to drive 4 hrs every weekend to come home and that he wanted to do the things that college students do.  I don't think anyone can break a strong relationship.  And I happen to believe that a mother will do ANYTHING to be with her child or to make her child happy.  I may one day have sons and one day have a DIL but I am apart of the camp that thinks "a daughter is a daughter for life but a son is a son until he takes a wife"...not that he abandons his family or anything but just that women keep families together and that woman are closer to their mothers then sons are going to be. My mom is super nice to my husband and she truly loves him, but she also says that she does it full well knowing that her son will done day come to another woman as a SIL and wants to make sure the good Karma is there for him and that he too is treated well.

2chickiebaby

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Re: "Tired of Trying"...What do I do now?
« Reply #29 on: October 26, 2009, 03:04:31 PM »
Mothers understand not wanting to come home on weekends when the sons are at college. There is a distance that's there, though, discernable only to a Mother, when his wife doesn't like his parents.

That's the facts.  I'm at the point where I think after all these years, I might tell her off and be done with them. I hate that so much. 

Can you imagine coming to your Mother's town and not calling her?  That's what distant DIL does. She comes here with her kids and never bothers to even call us.  She's visiting friends.

Close DIL said, "this is a tragedy"....when she told close DIL that "it would have to be okay with us if they didn't come here. TOO BAD", she said.

I just remember son telling me he could not marry her.  She worked on me till I got them back together.  My husband is still sad about that.  She did what she came to do. 

We were too close, had too much fun.  She doesn't understand fun. She is all business.  No laughing.