Author Topic: Wise women's messages needed  (Read 1431 times)

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cadagi101

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Wise women's messages needed
« on: January 06, 2011, 02:13:50 PM »
Hi, there has been so many good posts both to me from a topic I have started and also posts so relevent to me i thought I could find them again.......but no I can't.    The posts I need to refer back to and save in a word doc. are topics on adult/sons adult daughters ...and any posts about feeling less guilty about the way things have turned out with my adult son and posts on how to make ourselves and the hints and advice on living a contented life.   This is a long shot I realize, I hope though some of you WW can access posts where you have commented and can post for me so I can save for later reference.    (like reading every  day to get me through.)  I will be much more diligent in saving posts as I find them from now on but really want some of the older ones.
Thanks so much

cremebrulee

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Re: Wise women's messages needed
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2011, 06:05:16 AM »
Hi, there has been so many good posts both to me from a topic I have started and also posts so relevent to me i thought I could find them again.......but no I can't.    The posts I need to refer back to and save in a word doc. are topics on adult/sons adult daughters ...and any posts about feeling less guilty about the way things have turned out with my adult son and posts on how to make ourselves and the hints and advice on living a contented life.   This is a long shot I realize, I hope though some of you WW can access posts where you have commented and can post for me so I can save for later reference.    (like reading every  day to get me through.)  I will be much more diligent in saving posts as I find them from now on but really want some of the older ones.
Thanks so much

Julia, just love yourself...build confidence in you, knowing you were a good mom, and don't feel guilty, and know, it's only human if you feel you made mistakes, we've all made mistakes....but we grow from them, plus we actually grow up with our children and learn much from them...so, wipe away the guilt and get out there and live life knowing that we all do the best that we could have done, both physically and mentally at that point in time...we try so hard, and that's the experience...our life walk, and from the hard times we grow, and learn to recognize and celebrate the good times no matter how slight they may be....hard times also teach us patience and gives us a great deal of strength...it's the natural way...we can't control others, however, we can control or learn to grow within ourselves, loving the company we keep....

Big hugs
Creme

Faithlooksup

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Re: Wise women's messages needed
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2011, 08:58:34 AM »
Hi Julia!!  I do agree with Creme's post!!!    We are our own teacher for we must learn from our own mistakes and glories!
May I suggest a couple of books (if you have not read them already) which are good with much insight.  1)  When Parents Hurt   by: Joshua Coleman PhD.     2) Boundaries  by: Dr. Henry Cloud/Dr. John Townsend   plus their is another one which I am waiting to receive in the mail it is called:   In Sheeps Clothing .   

Remember 2011 is the "Year for Me..."  Do what makes you Happy!!! :)

Hugs across the miles...Faith

LaurieS

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Re: Wise women's messages needed
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2011, 09:22:56 AM »
Hi, there has been so many good posts both to me from a topic I have started and also posts so relevent to me i thought I could find them again.......but no I can't.    The posts I need to refer back to and save in a word doc. are topics on adult/sons adult daughters ...and any posts about feeling less guilty about the way things have turned out with my adult son and posts on how to make ourselves and the hints and advice on living a contented life.   This is a long shot I realize, I hope though some of you WW can access posts where you have commented and can post for me so I can save for later reference.    (like reading every  day to get me through.)  I will be much more diligent in saving posts as I find them from now on but really want some of the older ones.
Thanks so much
Julia, if you stared a post you should be able to come up with the name of the topic.  Only you as the originator of the topic could delete the topic.. others could have deleted their own individual postings but that would be highly unlikely.  If you are trying to seek out a past postings.. go to 'profile' and click on 'summary' under your name you can click on 'show post' from there you can run through anything you posted this will lead you with a little diligence to your original topic.. I came across this topic that you started http://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,810.msg15618.html#msg15618 I hope that directly answered your question.. good luck.. and smart idea to capture some of the responses that you found comfort in... Laurie

cadagi101

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Re: Wise women's messages needed
« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2011, 02:58:42 PM »
Your replies mean so much to me.   I will save them while I can......I really can move past the guilt to a point.... I have learnt to believe I am a good mum to my 20 yr old who is back with us working at harvest for 2 weeks then I don't know what he will do as he left his job and lives with my parents who are elderly and also struggle with his anger daily.   Mum say's she is determined to help him, loves him and they won't ask him to leave.   They can't see the "he has  to hit rock bottom before he can go on  in his  life"  But what a drag and it's like pulling teeth at X's and that is when I feel very anxious and have self doubts.     It is the rudeness and disrestpect but it isn't that way all day, probably 1/2 the day.   
I am one of these mothers though that thinks my son has a nervous, anxiety maybe depression.    That is when the guilt sets in.. why is he likes this???  I ask myself always.   He has been to Dr's, he asked me to go with him to a adolescent counsellor which i did the first x and then he saw him alone reguarly for 6 months.  The counsellor told me he was fine and not to worry something is wrong.     I tell myself I have done all I can.....but while he is here ( and I can't talk to him when he is one of his rages and verbably abusive, I believe he has psycotic episodes,)  when he is calmer  I want to say to him "you have to get anger management, you need to see a psycistarist,  (even spell check wouldn't help me with the spelling ) you can't live a life feeling so angry at every single person and situation in your life.    I am getting "When Parents hurt" so I am looking forward to it arriving.     While he is here I can't wait till he goes,  when he goes he changes completely and when he speaks kindly to me on the phone I then feel sorry for him. 

I thought how I can find older posts, i find the members that I know have given really good advice on the subject and find them that way.   That is you ladies and other regular posters on WWU.

Thankyou again

I will end on a good note because I always try to focus on the positives because the negatives are distressing and frightning to me and his sisters.  As I said he has had counselling and seen Dr's.  He doesn't live here any more so I can't do any more. 

The positives are
he doesn't drink, take drugs, tattoo or peirce his body,  he wouldn't steal from others, (I truly believe that) , he drives sensibly (although in a "mood" I have been frightened in the car with him).   He hasn't been arrested.  He can work well at physical work for others (but won't pick up a sock for me!!!) without anger.     I just have to let go of him, that is what I have a hard time doing without feeling guilty.

Thanks so much for the great advice   

Faithlooksup

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Re: Wise women's messages needed
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2011, 07:11:58 AM »
Hi Julia,  I deceided to add another posting here regarding your dear son.  Being he is 20 years old that adds another light on possibilities....IMHO and experiences with 20 year olds they are like fish out of water.....half grown up/half not.....whom am I/whom am I not...what do I want to do/what do I not want to do.......decisions, should I/should I not.....if life can become complicated for us at our age imagine a 20 year old......

You really need to let him go Mom, its time!!!  Its not a bad thing to do, it is also a gift of Love from you to him....he needs to find his own way in life, to make his own mistakes and learn from them...To set his own values, to find out what works/and what does not work for him.....to find his own self respect so he may give it to others...

Do not enable him Julia, for you are only hurting him by doing that---let go of his hand and let him walk alone.......I dont know maybe he does not even need all of the doctors "picking" his brain apart~~how can he be helped when he may not even know himself?????  And that is why you must let him go.

May I also suggest another book~~~Boundaries ~~~~ which is time for you to set with him as well.  I am glad you have purchased when parents hurt~~it is a good book.

I do hope I have not overstepped my "boundaries" with you regarding my posting here.  Julia, please...let him go...let him grow...let him become the man he is to become. and he can only do that "on his own".....no more hovering, no more going to the doctors, if he wants to go he will ask you...  As a parent, you have planted all the seeds, you have watered him...now just let him grow...

Hugs across the miles with smiles...Faith

cadagi101

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Re: Wise women's messages needed
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2011, 02:47:35 PM »
Hi Julia,  I deceided to add another posting here regarding your dear son.  Being he is 20 years old that adds another light on possibilities....IMHO and experiences with 20 year olds they are like fish out of water.....half grown up/half not.....whom am I/whom am I not...what do I want to do/what do I not want to do.......decisions, should I/should I not.....if life can become complicated for us at our age imagine a 20 year old......

You really need to let him go Mom, its time!!!  Its not a bad thing to do, it is also a gift of Love from you to him....he needs to find his own way in life, to make his own mistakes and learn from them...To set his own values, to find out what works/and what does not work for him.....to find his own self respect so he may give it to others...

Do not enable him Julia, for you are only hurting him by doing that---let go of his hand and let him walk alone.......I dont know maybe he does not even need all of the doctors "picking" his brain apart~~how can he be helped when he may not even know himself?????  And that is why you must let him go.

May I also suggest another book~~~Boundaries ~~~~ which is time for you to set with him as well.  I am glad you have purchased when parents hurt~~it is a good book.

I do hope I have not overstepped my "boundaries" with you regarding my posting here.  Julia, please...let him go...let him grow...let him become the man he is to become. and he can only do that "on his own".....no more hovering, no more going to the doctors, if he wants to go he will ask you...  As a parent, you have planted all the seeds, you have watered him...now just let him grow...

Hugs across the miles with smiles...Faith


Thankyou Faith so very much do you know what is hardest about this situation ....my father has always pampered  him, spoilt him, given him a false sense of self, ie.  wouldn;'t ever let him learn instead built him up when he should not have gave him money when we didn't because of his bad behaviour.  My dp lived next door for 15 years until we moved away.    .... dd wouldn't let him make mistakes, which as a young ds dd was of course the "favored one in ds eyes so that is where some disrestpect to us from ds comes from.    My family is very close.  The situation with dd put terrible pressure on all of us,  to cut a long story short I can't help "putting some of the blame on dd"    just misguided love on his part.     Our ds moved in with them and had a job in the town.     ds treats  my  parents so badly.  He is demanding and rude to them.      I tell myself and I also telll; them they must  ask him to leave,  but they won't they are in their late 70's and arent't strong enough and also misguidedly think they are "helping"  That is heartbreaking to me.

When my dp pass on we will have the awful task of getting him out of the house to sell or whatever.    The way ds treats us and my dp i couldn't let him live their.

Faith this is the situation  I have to tell myself my dp are the only ones who can get him to move out, although as I have said he has a bad temper and they are always  "walking on eggshells with him"

Thanks you so much,
all advice greatly appreciated.   

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Wise women's messages needed
« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2011, 09:09:31 PM »
I don't have anything to add to the beautiful advice you have gotten here but I am sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cremebrulee

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Re: Wise women's messages needed
« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2011, 04:16:07 AM »
I'd like to add another thought...

one of the most difficult things to do, when our adult children are in trouble, is to let them go...when our kids are small and in school, we can usually fix things, go to the teacher, help them with they're studies, and discuss situations with them, but when they grow up and leave the home, I've heard it said, that can be a mother's most trying time...

my son calls me every week, and discusses issues with me, however, I listen to him and then make suggestions...he can utilize them, or not, it's now his choice, but I know when our kids are hurting Julia, we hurt as much if not more...b/c there is really nothing we can do but be supportive, even if we don't agree with they're choices....

what always helps me, is looking back at my own life, and thinking of myself at that age, and how I nixed my parents advice at times....I thought I knew it all...LOL...and I made some huge mistakes, we always can look back and see where we could have done better, always...so, please don't feel badly about yourself....love the person you are....

I agree with Faith, letting them go is changing ourselves, and it's a whole new culture to learn about ourselves...but the fact of the matter is, our jobs are over, unless they come to us for advice, we're better off just zipping it...and if they don't take our advice, we must allow them to learn for themselves....what works for us, might not work for them...I believe your son will find his way...
Hugs
Creme

Faithlooksup

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Re: Wise women's messages needed
« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2011, 06:54:18 AM »
Hi Julia,  Ok so now we have another light upon us~~~~how DS is treating your Parents...WRONG.....Lovingly said Julia:  I do hope he is not abuseing them, and if they have to walk around on egg shells in their own home and they are in their 70's, that tells me enough right there...

Even tho, they are his GP's you are still his Mother....Respectfully said: your decision on your son is first and formost.  Tell him he has to leave and if he wont~call the police on him then....I know, I know it sounds horrible~~but what he is doing to your parents is horrible, unkind and unforgiving...  Just tell or call the police and talk with them about how he is treating your parents and that they have to walk on egg shells around him in their own home...see what type of advise they can give you Courtney...their are ways that the law has to get him out.....Honestly, I know this sounds awful to you and I do apologise to have had to suggest the above....Senior abuse is against the law.  And perhaps, just perhaps if he knows you are keeping a vigual eye on him as well as your parents~~he may then change his tune along with attitude...

Courtney, I dont know what else to say....do what you need to do.....and stay strong and firm...
"Boundaries"......Hugs, Faith