Author Topic: I DIDN'T WANT THIS  (Read 1028 times)

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MONIQUE H

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I DIDN'T WANT THIS
« on: December 23, 2010, 10:09:56 AM »
My mother in law lied on me and does not give me my respect. From the moment I met her, her 1st words to me were “Hi.  How are you?  What is your name?”  With a snippet tone.  When I answered with my name, she replied, “do you have a last name?” again…very snippet.  I replied “yes” and sat down.  I do admit; I gave her a snippet response because I did not like the way she responded to me.  No more communication came from that until my then fiance’ and I were planning our wedding.  She was upset that I didn’t put her daughter as a bridesmaid.  I didn’t because she had previously informed me that she didn’t know me and didn’t want to get to know me.  I had never had any contact with her to make her feel such a way toward me. More recently, I found out that there was life insurance purchased for my children.  My husband and I were not aware of this BEFORE she purchased it.  It wasn’t necessary for her to purchase it; they have a policy already.  I feel that even after I mentioned they have a policy and don’t need anything additional, that she ignored my feelings and did it anyway.  When I found out, I was furious!  I spoke to my husband about it.  Called the insurance company to get more clarification.  Still didn’t like it and asked my husband to talk to his mom about it.  When he did talk to her, she said she’d cancel it.  When she called to cancel it, she became upset because I told insurance company she didn’t have our permission (they asked me and I told them).  So she called me very upset…yelling/screaming in phone and for what?  She didn’t even need to call me.  Where she lied is when she called to get her family involved.  First, this has nothing to do with them and second, she didn’t tell the truth.  She told them she called me to see if she could visit my children and when I returned her call I “cursed” her out about the insurance.  She subsequently turned this around to make herself the victim…sending text messages to her family saying she can’t wait to meet “her Maker” and forgetting conversations.  All of this is making me feel like she may be Bi-Polar or have some form of Dementia.  AND…because of her calling her family, her siblings are now having and exchange of words with me via computer or threatening to fight my husband because he didn’t “defend his mother from his wife verbally attacking her” All of this has really put me in a bad head spin.  It’s to the point that I don’t want to be around her.  I don’t want to take my children around her which I did quite regularly whether my husband was around or not.  When her family came to visit, I took my off day to take my children to visit them so she would not feel I was trying to ostracize her.  But now with these suicidal talks and bi-polar type attitudes, I don’t want to be around her.  Because of her calling her family to speak bad of me, I don’t know if she’d do it around my children.  And because the relationship is now severed (since she can’t be woman enough to apologize for overstepping her boundaries, ignoring me and lying on me) At this point she can only see them if my husband is around because I don’t want to be around her. I really didn’t want it to be like this.  I’ve never experienced anything like this and I’m drained.  I give up (on this situation). I’m reaching out for any advice on one last tip of what to do here.  Otherwise…I’m done.


I even went to "momresponds.com" to get some advice.  I was advised that a discussion format had been set up here.  I'm not sure if it was posted what I originally typed.  If so, I haven't found it so I'm reposting this.  Again...for advice.  I'm SO ANGRY that this woman is trying to destroy my name and I KNOW I've done nothing wrong.

kathleen

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Re: I DIDN'T WANT THIS
« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2010, 12:46:03 PM »
Monique,

I'm trying to understand your situation.

How did you find out that your mother-in-law had purchased life insurance for your children?  Also, because I'm uneducated, does a life insurance company require the permission of the parents prior to a non-parent purchasing a policy, or what?  I'm curious because I've never run into this before.

You said that when you found out, you were furious.  Why is this upsetting to you?  And do you think you transmitted your anger, inadvertently, to your MIL when you spoke to her about it? 

From your first meeting, it seems you have a history already started of not getting along with her.  How can women here help you?  I might be able to offer you some advice, but first I would like to understand the life insurance situation. 

Thanks for your clarification,

Kathleen


Faithlooksup

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Re: I DIDN'T WANT THIS
« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2010, 04:44:27 PM »
Hi Monique!!!  First off just Breathe and calm down, and welcome to the world of MIL's.  All I can really add at this time is I am not quite certain why you were upset with the fact that she bought life insurance for the grandchildren and I am not sideing with her.
However, I am a grandmother and when my 2 grandchildren were born I bought each one of them a life insurance policy.  Its simply added protection for them and by the time they reach there 21st birthday they will have quite a nice nest egg from me to be able to use as they choose.  Perhaps for college, or a new car, or a down payment for a home, it is a gift of Love from me to them... And I do not want them to know about this policy I have for them until they are 21.  Of course my son and DIL know about it some time ago, but I wanted it to be a surprise.
I dont know if this helps any~~but life is to short and we must forgive one another, and remember your children are going to want to know why you are not talking to Grandma. :(
i hope things get better, I truley do.   Hugs, Faith

MONIQUE H

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Re: I DIDN'T WANT THIS
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2010, 02:16:43 PM »
Hi Kathleen!

Thank you for responding.   

I found out about the insurance because she told us AFTER the fact.  And what upset me is that she did it 1, without asking us about it and 2, I strongly feel that life insurance policies should be purchased by the parents.  I've been in a situation before where a family member had mishandled funds for another family members estate and it was VERY messy.

The way this insurance works is parents/grandparents can purchase the policy.  Grandparents, according to the insurance company, don't need the parents' permission.  (That in itself I have a problem with.)  The parent or grandparent purchasing the insurance have to answer a few medical questions regarding the child.  A social security number is not required on the child.  The person purchasing the insurance is the policy holder.  The beneficiary has to be someone with an "insurable interest"

Now...here is where the issues are for me:
-No one should have control over a policy for a child except that child's parents or legal guardian.  My husband and I both work good jobs.  We aren't in a situation where we can't afford that & to save the drama my family went thru before, I feel it's best that this kind of thing stay in control of the parents.

-The beneficiary has to have an insurable interest.  An insurable interest person would be the "estate of the insured", the parents, or anyone related to the child such as another grandparent, aunt, or uncle.---this is according to the insurance co. 

-If something happens to the policyholder, the policy is transferred then to the org policyholder's spouse.  He/she can change the beneficiary at anytime with/without notice.

-Cash Benefit by time child turns 18 is only $1500 maybe.  And that's according to the insurance co as well.

You asked how could women here help me?  I reached out here after first reponding to Ms. Luise on momresponds.com and she suggested to come here b/c she set it up over here for this type of question.  When I came over here, I didn't see it so I posted here.  I'm wondering if the "mother in laws" on here would give it to me straight from a different perspective as I am doing what I can to make this work.  After 9 years of being with my husband and 5 years married, one would think we would not still have issues of this sort.  I gave the examples in my original statement to show that its always been rocky and I'm at a point where I'm fed up.  I feel that my toes have been stepped on and that I'm not being respected as the wife and mother.  I don't need her to do what I'm supposed to be doing.

Had she asked prior to purchasing, maybe I could've suggested to take insurance out on herself.  My belief is life insurance is for to protect you in older age.  Not younger age.  Although the precaution is needed.  They have a policy already that is better than the one she purchased.  It was enough.  And to dismiss my feelings about it or snap at me when I had questions is where I am upset.  I told my husband to talk to her about it as I knew I wasn't in the mood to be professional about this.  I was that upset.  More so because she didn't respect my wishes about this.  Just like when I said I didn't want anyone in the room when I was giving birth.  She attempted to override me three times after I said no.  That has nothing to do with this but just showing you where my anger comes from.  Its the disrespect and non acknowledgement of my role

kathleen

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Re: I DIDN'T WANT THIS
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2010, 03:59:30 PM »
Monique,

Now I think I understand your real issue.  You feel disrespected.  You feel that your wishes in regard to your children are not being honored.  You are right to be upset about this.  I recently read that the root of many relationship problems starts when people feel disrespected.

I am hoping your original email was just venting and that you really don't feel this level of hostility toward your MIL, because this would be so unhealthy for you and in some way would be made known to your children.  This pot however seems to have been simmering for a while and is reaching the boiling point, or so it sounds.

So the issues for you go a lot deeper than just an insurance policy; I, for one, was really wondering why that insurance policy would upset you to that degree.  It is negative that she went ahead with it without your permission, but if the issue wasn't deeper, my point is it probably wouldn't bother you to the extent that it does.

How does your husband feel about all this? 

Then I would ask you, for the sake of your child, if there is some way this could be worked out before there is a real break?  I have had such a break with a daughter-in-law who decided she hated me and wanted me out of their lives (also my husband.)  This is tragic for our granddaughter.  I would at any time have maybe not welcomed but certainly participated in a dialogue with my DIL to find out what her issues with us were.  (I have concluded those issues are beyond any dialogue, going into her deep need to relate to her family and no one else, and also to control my son.)  So I'm wondering if you could sit down and honestly and calmly (hard, I know) express what's wrong and see if she's willing to try to fix it.  Think of yourself as a lawyer dispassionately presenting a case, and see if she can respond on her own behalf the same way. 

That's my two cents.  I would take a break before I asked her for a meeting and I would have the meeting away from either of your homes and at a quiet restaurant where it would be difficult to get into a big fight.  Get a perspective before you talk to her.  I would bet there are other issues involved here besides the policy and that she has been in a pattern of disrespecting you, but she may simply not realize it and she may be willing to meet you half way.  Chronic disrespect isn't tolerable, and may be a sign that a person is a manipulator first and only secondarily interested in any real relationship, so I'm hoping she's willing to talk turkey.  If not, it raises a whole new set of issues that you should I think begin to resolve with your husband.  I hope he's standing up for you and your children.

Good luck, and here's to better times, and let us know how you fare,

Kathleen

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Re: I DIDN'T WANT THIS
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2010, 05:42:33 PM »
Dear Monique:


I feel similarly to Kathleen.  I also think she should have not taken that insurance policy without your knowledge, but ....I am not sure what I would have felt if I were you.   What I think is that it was just the drop of water that spilled a full glass.  It was just your breaking point....anything would have triggered your anger because of all that she has done to you.  Could it be possible?

Kathleen is right about trying to meet with her.  What do you have to lose?  Sometimes good comes in funny ways.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Pooh

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Re: I DIDN'T WANT THIS
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2010, 01:20:29 PM »
Welcome Monique.  It is always great to have DILS in here so we also can get the "other side of the coin" on issues.  First, I am very sorry you are having a hard time with your MIL.  When I first read your original post, I was with the other ladies on this.  My Mother purchased a life insurance policy on both of my Sons when they were born, without asking and told me later.  She said she had put me as the beneficiary and when I asked her why she had done this, she said a couple of reasons.  She told me that it was just a small nest-egg for them to help with College, or heaven-help if something did happen to one of them before 18, she didn't want me to have to worry about money at a time like that.  It was her way of helping, and that's all.  No ulterior motive, no hidden agenda.

So I was also confused as to why this upset you so.  Then after reading your response to Kathleen, I went "Aha!".  It seems like you have had many years of her overstepping boundaries.  Shame on her for going against your wishes at the childbirth and also on this.  And that was very wrong of her to involve other family members and try to gain sympathy at your expense.  And those family members should not be threatening you or your DH.  That has to be very stressful on both of you.

I will say this.  Anyone (family or not) that would threaten me, or threaten to whip my DH would immediately be cut off.  I would add them to the blocked list on my computer and phone and give them no attention.   They don't deserve any. 

And I am in agreement with the other ladies about a meeting with your MIL.   But I think your DH needs to be there.  I think you need to do this, and set boundaries with her.  But prior to the meeting, I think you and your DH need to sit down and agree on your boundaries, as a couple.  This way, you and DH present a united front.  This accomplishes two things that we, as MILs on this site, have problems with.  Many of us have issues with the DIL giving us rules and orders and our DH not saying anything.  This leaves us open to believe that our DIL is controlling him.  Now, in some of our cases it is true that the DIL is calling the shots and our DH's are not stepping up and saying, "No, that's not what I want."  But I do think there are cases where the DIL just gets to be the messenger and then the MIL thinks it is all her.  I also think when the DH does it by himself, it leaves the door open for an MIL to say, "She put him up to this."  So that is why I am suggesting this to you.  That way, it will eliminate those assumptions and show her that you are in this together.

I do think this needs to be done in a loving way during the meeting.  Easier said than done, I know because you are upset with her.  It needs to presented as, "We love you very much, but we are having a hard time with some of the things you are doing.  We know that you feel that you are doing the right things and we appreciate all you are trying to help with.  But we are feeling very hurt when you disregard our feelings about......."  Get the idea?  I will tell you personally, I am much more open to a conversation that goes that way than one that goes, "I am the parent.  Not you!  And we are tired of you acting like it!"

Will she get it?  Who knows?  Just as we say here all the time, you can't control her.  But if you make this effort to try and work it out, and she doesn't want to participate.....her loss.  All you can do is try and hope it works out for the best.  I wish you all the luck in the world.

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell