Author Topic: I genuinely want to know what you think.  (Read 28144 times)

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MrsKitty

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #15 on: December 17, 2010, 03:23:02 PM »
My Grandmother came up to the emergency room for one of my miscarriages, and it was awful. I felt like I had to be strong...for her. I couldn't read my book that I brought to try and distract myself. I couldn't eat, but she was hungry so brought fastfood in with her. I couldn't drink water, but she had this giant water bottle with her.  I couldn't ask the doctor the right  questions...and I couldn't even cry, which is what I wanted to do most of all. When I got home later that night, my dad said he wanted to come up in the worst way, but he respected my wishes. I loved that. I really appreciate he did that for me. I promised him I would call with updates if I had any, and that was that. I would've called my grandmother as well had she allowed me to do that.
I am so sorry. (((((hugs))))))

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #16 on: December 17, 2010, 03:43:28 PM »
Creme - that was really beautiful! We are all in the process of growing up . Me, Too and I'm 83! Bless your heart!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #17 on: December 17, 2010, 03:44:23 PM »
My feeling is that things that come over from other forums can cause problems here. I also think that generalizations about any group of people, in this case grandparents, are unfair.

Most of us MILs and/or women of GP age here have been in labor and delivery; it isn't some new-fangled experience invented by the youngsters. Many of us managed to have a meaningful birthing experience without being cruel to other family members. There's a way to handle it that doesn't divide; unless that's the intent all along.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

SunnyDays09

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #18 on: December 17, 2010, 04:59:36 PM »
Quote
Happy...the gp showers are not gifts for the mom and baby.  They are gifts for the grandmother.   And...are you really serious about your responses?  Especially the one where if the dad can be there why cant you?  If you are...I understand some things a lot more clearly now.

Actually, everyone's answers have been very helpful.  Thank you.

I don't understand why you would take the responses personally, you didn't write the post,correct?  You copied it, as I understood.  But anyway, no my responses were tongue in cheek. 
 
   I cannot believe someone would actually tear into new grandparents in such a manner and ask questions like that.   I wholeheartedly agree with Pen.  This person - the original poster - seems very upset that her parents/his parents all want to share.  I had many sisters that did the same things as she listed some of the new grandparents did/said.  They sure came in handy as sitters when I was exhausted.  It's give and take. 

This poster seems bent on making issues where there are none.  And that's a shame.  She might just need them some day - but she is bent on pushing them away.  IMO. 

  (Actually, I wrote:  "The dads (plural) are there.  It's mostly a jab at the OP, I suppose.  What were to happen if she were to ever find herself with out any grandparents at all for her children?  NONE?  If they just WEASELED their way out of her life all together?  She certainly wouldn't have to FIGHT for her parenting rights then, would she) What's funny is if tragedy should ever befall this person she may just have to lean on her parents or his parents for child care, a place for her and kids to live, etc.  But I never read how wonderful those grandparents are - but I know of several that are raising those kids until mom and dad can get back on their feet.  :) )
« Last Edit: December 17, 2010, 05:01:20 PM by HappyDays09 »

1Glitterati

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #19 on: December 17, 2010, 05:11:35 PM »
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Happy...the gp showers are not gifts for the mom and baby.  They are gifts for the grandmother.   And...are you really serious about your responses?  Especially the one where if the dad can be there why cant you?  If you are...I understand some things a lot more clearly now.

Actually, everyone's answers have been very helpful.  Thank you.

I don't understand why you would take the responses personally, you didn't write the post,correct?  You copied it, as I understood.  But anyway, no my responses were tongue in cheek.    I didn't take it personally...and thank you for clarifying tongue in cheek because I really misinterpreted.  I really misinterpreted.
 
   I cannot believe someone would actually tear into new grandparents in such a manner and ask questions like that.   I wholeheartedly agree with Pen.  This person - the original poster - seems very upset that her parents/his parents all want to share.    I was genuinely interested in seeing how other people thing...because for most of what was listed in that post...I don't think it's sharing...I think it's overstepping.  I'm trying to understand why it wouldn't be considered overstepping.  I had many sisters that did the same things as she listed some of the new grandparents did/said.  They sure came in handy as sitters when I was exhausted.  It's give and take. 

This poster seems bent on making issues where there are none.  Again...I'm trying to understand...because I can easily see the ops pov.  And that's a shame.  She might just need them some day - but she is bent on pushing them away.  IMO. 

  (Actually, I wrote:  "The dads (plural) are there.  It's mostly a jab at the OP, I suppose.  What were to happen if she were to ever find herself with out any grandparents at all for her children?  NONE?  If they just WEASELED their way out of her life all together?  She certainly wouldn't have to FIGHT for her parenting rights then, would she) What's funny is if tragedy should ever befall this person she may just have to lean on her parents or his parents for child care, a place for her and kids to live, etc.  But I never read how wonderful those grandparents are And, maybe that's because of the board I took it from.  It was a parenting board.  - but I know of several that are raising those kids until mom and dad can get back on their feet.  :) )

SunnyDays09

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #20 on: December 17, 2010, 05:15:47 PM »
No problem 1Glitterati - I should have stated that my responses were not serious.  I apologize. 

As for the new parent, she/he just sounds a bit near hysterical to me.  I was over the moon when my little bundle of joy appeared and I would have loved for a grandparent to even have noticed.  Guess there's the flip side to every story, huh? 

1Glitterati

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #21 on: December 17, 2010, 05:16:40 PM »
My feeling is that things that come over from other forums can cause problems here. I also think that generalizations about any group of people, in this case grandparents, are unfair.

Most of us MILs and/or women of GP age here have been in labor and delivery; it isn't some new-fangled experience invented by the youngsters. Many of us managed to have a meaningful birthing experience without being cruel to other family members. There's a way to handle it that doesn't divide; unless that's the intent all along.

I honestly wasn't trying to cause a problem.  I was trying to understand.  I thought if I actually presented an alternative view from someone else we could talk about it.  Yes, the tone was very different from posts usually on here.  Perhaps I should have picked better or not at all. 

Now, in fact, I'm getting more confused.   I just don't see why a birth experience has to include other people.  Why other people think they have the right to be there unless invited.  Why their feelings would be hurt if they weren't included.  Why has birth become a spectator sport that others think they have a right to?  How is keeping a moment private being cruel?  I really, REALLY don't get it.  But, that's okay.  I don't think I"m going to get it.   :)

Offline Pen

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #22 on: December 17, 2010, 05:31:19 PM »
I did not say keeping people out of the delivery room was cruel. I didn't want a parade of looky-loos when I was delivering either. I said there are ways to handle it that are not cruel. IOW, kinder ways to express the desires of mom & dad while understanding how excited the enitire family is. The questions from the other site sounded snarky to me and I felt there might be a better way to express those thoughts.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #23 on: December 17, 2010, 07:15:51 PM »
I can't get this at all. People in the delivery room? Grunting, sweating, groaning and all kinds of body fluids around and it's a family event? Yes, I know this is done but my sons were born when even the fathers weren't included. OK by me, I was working! I loved showers and shared pictures. (I'm am so out of it on this one.)
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

1Glitterati

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #24 on: December 17, 2010, 08:08:12 PM »
I did not say keeping people out of the delivery room was cruel. I didn't want a parade of looky-loos when I was delivering either. I said there are ways to handle it that are not cruel. IOW, kinder ways to express the desires of mom & dad while understanding how excited the enitire family is. The questions from the other site sounded snarky to me and I felt there might be a better way to express those thoughts.

Ok...yes...there was snark in the op.  Do you think it cruel if parents were to say "We'll call you when we go to the hospital, and we'll call you after the baby is born.  Please don't come to the hospital and wait." ?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #25 on: December 17, 2010, 08:13:30 PM »
I think every situation is different and since you are the parents, your wishes should be accepted without comment, gracefully.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Rose799

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #26 on: December 17, 2010, 11:24:57 PM »
Glitterati,

Am I understanding that you saw the baby before his own mother did?  Wow.   Mom & Dad were first to spend time with ds.  Sil introduced gs to us after he’d been taken to the nursery.  Later, dd was moved from recovery to a regular room, where she was rejoined with ds. 
 
Why does anyone want to camp out for two days in a waiting room while someone is in l&d?  I just don't get it.  I'd feel stressed for the fact that people were waiting and wanting me to hurry up and have a baby. No one camped out; they never stepped foot in the hospital.  They honored the parents wishes.  As Pen mentioned, there are kinder ways of dealing with the situation so that extended family doesn’t feel hurt.  I never expected to be in the delivery room, nor would I have asked to be.  And I would not have gone to the hospital if I’d been asked not to.  In fact, I had no intention on going that day.  Dh urged me to go, asking how I’d feel if something should go wrong?  I wish dd would communicate as you do, Glitterati.  That has been a lot of the problem. 

How selfish can people be...?   In some situations I can see asking that question.  In others...I find myself asking---How self-entitled can people be?  I was beaten down over such things as asking dd to turn sideways once when she was pg, so that I could see how much the baby had grown.  I was never allowed the privilege of shopping together with dd before gs was born, etc.  Self-entitlement was the last thing I felt that day.  I’m sorry if I came off as harsh, Glitterati.  It just brought back some very painful memories. 

Rose
« Last Edit: December 17, 2010, 11:26:33 PM by Rose799 »

1Glitterati

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #27 on: December 18, 2010, 07:51:09 AM »
Glitterati,

Am I understanding that you saw the baby before his own mother did?  Wow.   Mom & Dad were first to spend time with ds.  Sil introduced gs to us after he’d been taken to the nursery.  Later, dd was moved from recovery to a regular room, where she was rejoined with ds.  Ah...I understand the explanation.
 
Why does anyone want to camp out for two days in a waiting room while someone is in l&d?  I just don't get it.  I'd feel stressed for the fact that people were waiting and wanting me to hurry up and have a baby. No one camped out; they never stepped foot in the hospital.  They honored the parents wishes.  As Pen mentioned, there are kinder ways of dealing with the situation so that extended family doesn’t feel hurt.  I never expected to be in the delivery room, nor would I have asked to be.  And I would not have gone to the hospital if I’d been asked not to.  In fact, I had no intention on going that day.  Dh urged me to go, asking how I’d feel if something should go wrong?  I wish dd would communicate as you do, Glitterati.  That has been a lot of the problem.    I waited until I was older to have kids...and quite frankly I feel old now having turned 40.  Do you think any of my being willing to speak up has to do with being older?  Or would you chalk it up to your dd's personality?

How selfish can people be...?   In some situations I can see asking that question.  In others...I find myself asking---How self-entitled can people be?  I was beaten down over such things as asking dd to turn sideways once when she was pg, so that I could see how much the baby had grown.    I'll support you on that one and say I don't get that.   :o  I was never allowed the privilege of shopping together with dd before gs was born, etc.  Self-entitlement was the last thing I felt that day.  I’m sorry if I came off as harsh, Glitterati.  It just brought back some very painful memories.  I think I should shoot that apology right back at you, too. 

Rose

SunnyDays09

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #28 on: December 18, 2010, 08:38:38 AM »
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I honestly wasn't trying to cause a problem.  I was trying to understand.  I thought if I actually presented an alternative view from someone else we could talk about it.  Yes, the tone was very different from posts usually on here.  Perhaps I should have picked better or not at all.

Now, in fact, I'm getting more confused.   I just don't see why a birth experience has to include other people.  Why other people think they have the right to be there unless invited.  Why their feelings would be hurt if they weren't included.  Why has birth become a spectator sport that others think they have a right to?  How is keeping a moment private being cruel?  I really, REALLY don't get it.  But, that's okay.  I don't think I"m going to get it.

Being present at the birth, is still fairly new to an older generation -- my first husband wasn't even allowed near the delivery of our son!  My present husband was allowed in for our dd's - but no others at that time. 

Would I have allowed my parents and his parents?  Knowing me, NO!  I would flatly say NO.  I would NOT even allow dh to take pix of the blessed event.  I certainly wouldn't want my mom/dad/mil/fil in there, too. My private parts are going to remain that way.  Seen only by my dh and possibly medical staff at some point.
  I also feel it is the mom-to-be's prerogative to state her wishes.  If she feels most comfortable with just the husband...so be it.  Husband and her mom?  So be it.  What YOU-general YOU- feel is best for YOU is what your decision should be!   The birth experience is AN INDIVIDUAL event - not a TO BE SHARED BY ALL, imho. (Or there would be public viewing windows in L/D rooms, right?)  Same with weddings, too, sometimes.  Couples want to keep it small and intimate while ils want a big grand event.  This isn't their-parents-siblings-etc., life to live.  They had theirs.

 This is where I feel many couples move away just to truly get away from the "aren't you going to....?"s.  Sometimes, it's best to just listen to another before putting the demands into the mix - along with guilt if those demands aren't met.  I personally have given in to another wants/needs, put mine aside to only have it be wrong anyway for the person I caved for!  You won't win.  Do it for yourself is my mantra.  ;)

Don't give in to please others.  Do it because YOU wish it.  Or you may end up regretting caving in to another.  Having family excited about the new member is one thing, putting demands on another person to suit themselves is selfish.  Hang in there.  Either way, you can't please everybody. 

1Glitterati

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #29 on: December 18, 2010, 09:33:42 AM »
This line made me laugh, hard.


My private parts are going to remain that way.