Author Topic: I genuinely want to know what you think.  (Read 27872 times)

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1Glitterati

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I genuinely want to know what you think.
« on: December 16, 2010, 04:43:32 PM »
I hope it is okay to do this.  I truly want to know what the people...mils and dils...on this board think of these questions.  This is a post from another bulletin board.  In some ways, I think it perfectly sums up the totally different povs that different generations can come from.

I am not assigning any wrongness or rightness to this...I genuinely want to know what people think and where they are coming from.  I am also not implying that women here think this way.  I'm asking because I think part of it is generational and I'm interested in hearing different pov's.:


Quote
Does anyone feel like this lately? (Maybe it's just me and my preggo hormones--please tell me if it is.)

Nothing is sacred for parents anymore!!! Somehow, in every aspect of parenting, grandparents have weaseled their way in, and it's like we have to fight for our parenting rights. Then, we're looked at as being "spoiled" and "meeeean" or "selfish". I'm so tired of it. (these are things I have heard over the past year or so)....

The birth? Oh no, grandparents feel they should be there--after all, it IS their first grandchild!

Feeding the baby? Even if you BF, GPs think you should pump so they can bond that way too, with the child.

Announcing the baby? How many times have we read about posts on FB, or sending out X-mas cards, or birth announcements?

Showers? Please---GPs showers are growing in popularity, and they make me sick (yes, MIL had one).

Choosing the name? Again, we hear time and time again about GPs who feel they have the right to either pick the name themselves, or comment on the ones we've picked.

Mother's Day? Not only do we have to share these days, but now there is also GP's day, and even the lovely MIL's day. Ugh. Seriously?

So, again, I ask---what is sacred? To me these all are, and the parents are slowly being pushed out. I really hope our generation realizes this, and backs off so that our children can be parents rather than having to fight US for the position.


Thoughts?

Offline Pooh

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2010, 07:44:10 AM »
Hey Glitter.  I'm like you, I don't think their is a wrong or right answer, just personal beliefs, but here goes my beliefs on these.

Does anyone feel like this lately? (Maybe it's just me and my preggo hormones--please tell me if it is.)

Nothing is sacred for parents anymore!!! Somehow, in every aspect of parenting, grandparents have weaseled their way in, and it's like we have to fight for our parenting rights. Then, we're looked at as being "spoiled" and "meeeean" or "selfish". I'm so tired of it. (these are things I have heard over the past year or so)....I think every situation is different.  I think there are GP that are over-bearing and too involved.  I also think there are parents that don't include GP in anything and leave the GP feeling like they are not important.  Every situation and story is different.

The birth? Oh no, grandparents feel they should be there--after all, it IS their first grandchild!Yes, I want to be at all my GC births.  Not to be intrusive, but because I am also excited and proud.  But I am happy to sit in the waiting room until my Sons and their Wives come out later and say, "Come meet your GC".

Feeding the baby? Even if you BF, GPs think you should pump so they can bond that way too, with the child.I think feeding a baby is just such a precious moment that I love to do it.  Even my friend's babies. Something innocent and sweet about feeding a baby.  But only after DIL and DS have had their time doing it for while.  But I would in no way ask my DIL to pump so I could do it.  If they are BF, then I am fine with not feeding the baby at all.

Announcing the baby? How many times have we read about posts on FB, or sending out X-mas cards, or birth announcements? I'm a little unclear on this one.  If you mean sending "Official" announcements in lieu of letting the parents do it?  Then NO WAY.  They should have that honor.  But if you mean telling people that my GC is here and healthy, and I'm all excited, well yes.

Showers? Please---GPs showers are growing in popularity, and they make me sick (yes, MIL had one).I don't get this one.  I would never expect or want a GP shower.

Choosing the name? Again, we hear time and time again about GPs who feel they have the right to either pick the name themselves, or comment on the ones we've picked.I would never expect or want to pick out the babies names.  That's a parent's decision.  Make a comment?  Well, yes I am guilty of that.  But that's because my Son commented that if they ever had a child and it was a boy, he wanted to name him after his favorite movie character from Gladiator....Maximus Desimus.  I believe I commented that he really needed to think about that one because kids could be cruel in school with unusual names.  That was the extent.

Mother's Day? Not only do we have to share these days, but now there is also GP's day, and even the lovely MIL's day. Ugh. Seriously?I am not sure exactly what is meant by "share this" day.  If it means because you are now a Mother, you think the GM should not be honored also as a Mother on the same day, ummm...can't agree.  Yes, it is your day now to be honored, but we are also Mothers too.  As far as the rest of the days, I don't have an issue with them, but don't celebrate all of them.  We also have Boss's Day, Administrative Assistant Day, Teacher's Day and Dispatcher Days and I celebrate those with co-workers and sent gifts to teachers years ago.  Not sure what the big deal about this one is.

So, again, I ask---what is sacred? To me these all are, and the parents are slowly being pushed out. I really hope our generation realizes this, and backs off so that our children can be parents rather than having to fight US for the position.
I agree that if you have over-bearing GPs, they need to back off and let the parents be the parents.  But I think our children need to also remember to include the GPs every once in a while.  Again, I think every situation is unique and we have to be careful not to generalize or stereotype.  I think on this forum, we have it going both ways.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Barbie

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2010, 08:03:08 AM »
Ditto.

holliberri

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2010, 10:00:56 AM »
As a DIL, I think Glitter and Pooh have a pretty good handle on what is appropriate. I spent a lot of time on my Christmas Card this year, and I'm a little behind. It was my first year to get to do it (I wanted to wait to see IF I ever was able to have a baby). My MIL has taken care of it for me now, I haven't said anything, but it hurts. Sending out the Christmas Card is my own special way of letting my DH's family know I'm thinking about them.  I can still send them to my family, but I know them so well that cards seem silly. It feels redundant now that they already got a photo (not a Christmas one, just one from October) of my DD. The wind has kind of been taken out of my sails. I'm being silly, but I guess it's a peeve of mine, Holiday photos are off limits.

Are there registries for the GP showers? I'm wondering what a GP gets? A crib? If there are, I think that money would be more useful being spent on the soon to be parents. I suppose if it is just celebratory lunch, that is a different story.

holliberri

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2010, 10:07:43 AM »
Sorry, I meant Anna and Pooh...and now Barbie.  :-\

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2010, 10:12:06 AM »
I am much more interested in personal experiences and individual questions than I am in general questions from other sites and hypothetical discussions...but that's just me. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

MrsKitty

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2010, 10:18:30 AM »

My two cents:

Quote

The birth? Oh no, grandparents feel they should be there--after all, it IS their first grandchild! The decision of who should be in the delivery room and at the hospital should be 100% up to the mother to be. She is the patient in the medical procedure that is taking place and her comfort/well-being/privacy should be the most important thing that day. Stressing her out or forcing her into a situation that she is not comfortable with is not good for her and it is not good for the baby.

Feeding the baby? Even if you BF, GPs think you should pump so they can bond that way too, with the child. IMHO how feeding is carried out should be up to the new parents. Some people don't want to expose their babies to the plastics in bottles. That said, if the new parents are bottle feeding, I don't see why they wouldn't want to allow others to also feed the baby. However, when the baby is new, others should understand that the new parents may need a few weeks before they are ready to share.

Announcing the baby? How many times have we read about posts on FB, or sending out X-mas cards, or birth announcements? I personally have never understood why people get so touchy about who told who what when. I really don't care if my parents or DH's parents tell someone about a marriage, kid, or other big announcement. Others feel differently. The important thing is to respect how the people in  your life feel about announcements.

Showers? Please---GPs showers are growing in popularity, and they make me sick (yes, MIL had one). I think GP showers are kinda creepy and would think it strange if my parents or DH's parents wanted one (they wouldn't). However, that would be entirely up to them (I would not feel obligated to attend).

Choosing the name? Again, we hear time and time again about GPs who feel they have the right to either pick the name themselves, or comment on the ones we've picked.  I think EVERYONE thinks they should get their two cents in about names. It is annoying, but not just a GP thing.

Mother's Day? Not only do we have to share these days, but now there is also GP's day, and even the lovely MIL's day. Ugh. Seriously? I think we run into problems like this one when either the DIL or MIL think that they should be the center of attention and everyone's "Princess for a Day" on special days. I personally don't like being the center of attention and think it is strange when others are desperate to have all eyes and attention on them. Why so insecure? This type of attitude makes me want to withdraw and run for the hills. So, no--I have no problem "sharing" this day, but would be really creeped out (and would likely withdraw) if someone else adopted the "Princess for a Day" attitude around me.




1Glitterati

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2010, 12:00:34 PM »
I was in labor for 28 hours with my first.  I didn't want anyone waiting in the waiting room.  My inlaws visited for a bit and left.  My parents visited.  My dad left and my mom stayed.  We had previously planned for no one but us and the doula...but when it came down to it...frankly, I wanted my mother.  Had anyone stayed in the waiting room and waited that long...I would not have been happy about it or wanted to see them.

The second time...Dh didn't even call his parents until after the baby was born.  I don't know when that happened...they didn't visit at the hospital at all.  Didn't bother me a bit.  I don't understand the wanting to wait in the waiting room.  I want to be in the waiting room if someone is having a surgery that is serious and there might be a need for me to be there.  I don't see that there will ever be a need for me to wait out someone else's l&d.  Nor do I want to.  If I have a future dil that invites me to do so...I'm say no thank you and say I'd love to have a call after the baby has arrived and the new family has had a chance to spend a little time with one another.

The announcement thing would bother me.  I don't mean telling other people...I mean a special printed out and sent out to people in the mail announcement.  That would make me livid.  So would the Xmas cards.   Don't put my kids on your cards and send them out to god knows who.  No pictures of my kids sent to other people unless I do it. 


Offline Rose799

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2010, 12:50:03 PM »
I don't understand the wanting to wait in the waiting room.  I want to be in the waiting room if someone is having a surgery that is serious and there might be a need for me to be there.  I don't see that there will ever be a need for me to wait out someone else's l&d.  Nor do I want to.  If I have a future dil that invites me to do so...I'm say no thank you and say I'd love to have a call after the baby has arrived and the new family has had a chance to spend a little time with one another.

It appeared our dd felt similar.  She also thought nothing would go wrong.  Dh & I had just gotten to the hospital when the nurse came out saying dd needed an emergency c-section.  The cord was wrapped around gs's neck, causing his heart rate to drop.  As a parent who has always been available any time my dc needed me, I really don't understand what possible harm was caused by us sitting in a waiting room.  DD was in recovery when we saw gs.  We dropped in to see her for a minute & left before gs was brought up to her room, so that dd & sil had alone time with their new son.

A good friend & dh was not allowed at the hospital to wait for the birth of their gd.  The labor lasted for 2 days.  I couldn't help but wonder if they would be allowed to attend the funeral if things went terribly wrong. 

Gp's shouldn't be interfering, but I think c need to understand that we don't stop caring just because you become an adult.  I sat with at home with another close friend while ds, in his 50's, had an angiogram.  The poor woman wrung her hands, waiting to hear from the family members.  After several hours, I called the hospital & relayed to her that ds was fine & back in his room.  It didn't make her feel any better.  The hurt was too deep.  She was the best kind of friend, mother, MIL, & GM that anybody could ask for. 

How selfish can people be...? 





cremebrulee

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2010, 12:53:59 PM »
My personal take on all of this is ask the DIL before the child comes, what she would like and then respect her wishes...do not ask son....he is not the one having the baby...and she is a part of him now...so, ask her how she feels about all these questions, and then respect her wishes...it shows that you care about her feelings, and that you acknowledge she is a part of a whole with your son. 

If you ask your son, of course, most son's will say yes, and then have to go home and live with his answer b/c he fears saying no to you, which starts a huge argument and only causes more hard feelings between MIL and DIL...

As far as a Granparents shower or party, again, it's up to the individual...me, I'd feel like I'm asking people to bring gifts or putting them in the position that they feel like they must give gifts...and DIL might not want you to be that involved with her child...yes, it is your grandchild, however, it is not our child....

I have noticed marketing is bringing all these new holidays alive to sell products and people are buying into it....

All these questions are strictly personal opinion and what we like and don't like, but before I'd do anything or take liberty to do anything, I would first ask my DIL...why, because it's her child, not mine...and I want to do what she feels comfortable with, nothing more, nothing less, and MIL"s listen to your DIL, if she says no, hear her...please...give her the feeling that she comes first, and I believe things would go much smoother


holliberri

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2010, 01:10:13 PM »
Haha...I think this is definitely a good question to see where we differ. I wanted whoever in the waiting room. When the time came, it turns out, I had no idea who was out there, and I didn't see them b/c I had a c-section. It worked out great! However, for my emergency situations, I went alone. My husband was deployed, so I went by myself. I would want to be alone with my husband if things had gone wrong, no one else. I know people worry and want to help, but sometimes the best thing they can do is give some space. 

My Grandmother came up to the emergency room for one of my miscarriages, and it was awful. I felt like I had to be strong...for her. I couldn't read my book that I brought to try and distract myself. I couldn't eat, but she was hungry so brought fastfood in with her. I couldn't drink water, but she had this giant water bottle with her.  I couldn't ask the doctor the right  questions...and I couldn't even cry, which is what I wanted to do most of all. When I got home later that night, my dad said he wanted to come up in the worst way, but he respected my wishes. I loved that. I really appreciate he did that for me. I promised him I would call with updates if I had any, and that was that. I would've called my grandmother as well had she allowed me to do that.

SunnyDays09

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2010, 01:54:31 PM »

Nothing is sacred for parents anymore!!! Somehow, in every aspect of parenting, grandparents have weaseled their way in, and it's like we have to fight for our parenting rights. Then, we're looked at as being "spoiled" and "meeeean" or "selfish". I'm so tired of it. (these are things I have heard over the past year or so)....Not true.  It's been like this for a milleninnium.  I know.  I am THAT old.  ;)  Oh, Yes...you ARE spoiled!!  lol  now go text someone.

The birth? Oh no, grandparents feel they should be there--after all, it IS their first grandchild! And why not???  The dads are there.  The baby catcher.  Nursing staff.  Your bff.  Her boyfriend.  The guy that hooked you up with some fab faux prada bags.  The girl ready to do ANOTHER bikini wax. And some random dude you met at starbucks.  I don't see a problem with it.  They all know the carpet doesn't match the drapery.  LOL

Feeding the baby? Even if you BF, GPs think you should pump so they can bond that way too, with the child. Since you do it when you need them to babysit at a moment's notice, what is the problem here? 

Announcing the baby? How many times have we read about posts on FB, or sending out X-mas cards, or birth announcements? Happy Grandparents should be locked up.  But then, they get flack if they AREN'T so happy about it they want to shout it from the rooftops! Stop whining.

Showers? Please---GPs showers are growing in popularity, and they make me sick (yes, MIL had one).   Then don't accept the gifts.  I'll bet if  attendees were required to  bring hot shoes you'd even cook for it!!  How hard is it to open gifts, smile and say thank you?  Hmmm...it's the thank you part, huh?

Choosing the name? Again, we hear time and time again about GPs who feel they have the right to either pick the name themselves, or comment on the ones we've picked. Like I said, this has been going on for centuries.  Deal.   

Mother's Day? Not only do we have to share these days, but now there is also GP's day, and even the lovely MIL's day. Ugh. Seriously?     We are removing Christmas and YOUR BIRTHDAY so you can forget about mothers/GP's day, k? 

So, again, I ask---what is sacred? To me these all are, and the parents are slowly being pushed out. I really hope our generation realizes this, and backs off so that our children can be parents rather than having to fight US for the position.Let's see, you equate "parents being pushed out" by the gps being in the birth room, wanting to announce the birth as much as possible to as many as possible, having get together gift giving parties for YOU AND BABY, wanting to share in the naming of baby, oh, and wanting to bond by feeding newborn??  Yep, you DO sound spoiled.   Just don't ask us to babysit for free ----EVER and I think we'll be even.     

1Glitterati

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2010, 02:17:58 PM »
I don't understand the wanting to wait in the waiting room.  I want to be in the waiting room if someone is having a surgery that is serious and there might be a need for me to be there.  I don't see that there will ever be a need for me to wait out someone else's l&d.  Nor do I want to.  If I have a future dil that invites me to do so...I'm say no thank you and say I'd love to have a call after the baby has arrived and the new family has had a chance to spend a little time with one another.

It appeared our dd felt similar.  She also thought nothing would go wrong.  Dh & I had just gotten to the hospital when the nurse came out saying dd needed an emergency c-section.  The cord was wrapped around gs's neck, causing his heart rate to drop.  As a parent who has always been available any time my dc needed me, I really don't understand what possible harm was caused by us sitting in a waiting room.  DD was in recovery when we saw gs.    Am I understanding that you saw the baby before his own mother did?  Wow. We dropped in to see her for a minute & left before gs was brought up to her room, so that dd & sil had alone time with their new son.

A good friend & dh was not allowed at the hospital to wait for the birth of their gd.  The labor lasted for 2 days.  I couldn't help but wonder if they would be allowed to attend the funeral if things went terribly wrong.  That's apples and oranges.  Why does anyone want to camp out for two days in a waiting room while someone is in l&d?  I just don't get it.  I'd feel stressed for the fact that people were waiting and wanting me to hurry up and have a baby.

Gp's shouldn't be interfering, but I think c need to understand that we don't stop caring just because you become an adult.  I sat with at home with another close friend while ds, in his 50's, had an angiogram.  The poor woman wrung her hands, waiting to hear from the family members.  After several hours, I called the hospital & relayed to her that ds was fine & back in his room.  It didn't make her feel any better.  The hurt was too deep.  She was the best kind of friend, mother, MIL, & GM that anybody could ask for. 

How selfish can people be...?   In some situations I can see asking that question.  In others...I find myself asking---How self-entitled can people be?
« Last Edit: December 17, 2010, 02:21:37 PM by 1Glitterati »

1Glitterati

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #13 on: December 17, 2010, 02:20:05 PM »

Nothing is sacred for parents anymore!!! Somehow, in every aspect of parenting, grandparents have weaseled their way in, and it's like we have to fight for our parenting rights. Then, we're looked at as being "spoiled" and "meeeean" or "selfish". I'm so tired of it. (these are things I have heard over the past year or so)....Not true.  It's been like this for a milleninnium.  I know.  I am THAT old.  ;)  Oh, Yes...you ARE spoiled!!  lol  now go text someone.

The birth? Oh no, grandparents feel they should be there--after all, it IS their first grandchild! And why not???  The dads are there.  The baby catcher.  Nursing staff.  Your bff.  Her boyfriend.  The guy that hooked you up with some fab faux prada bags.  The girl ready to do ANOTHER bikini wax. And some random dude you met at starbucks.  I don't see a problem with it.  They all know the carpet doesn't match the drapery.  LOL

Feeding the baby? Even if you BF, GPs think you should pump so they can bond that way too, with the child. Since you do it when you need them to babysit at a moment's notice, what is the problem here? 

Announcing the baby? How many times have we read about posts on FB, or sending out X-mas cards, or birth announcements? Happy Grandparents should be locked up.  But then, they get flack if they AREN'T so happy about it they want to shout it from the rooftops! Stop whining.

Showers? Please---GPs showers are growing in popularity, and they make me sick (yes, MIL had one).   Then don't accept the gifts.  I'll bet if  attendees were required to  bring hot shoes you'd even cook for it!!  How hard is it to open gifts, smile and say thank you?  Hmmm...it's the thank you part, huh?

Choosing the name? Again, we hear time and time again about GPs who feel they have the right to either pick the name themselves, or comment on the ones we've picked. Like I said, this has been going on for centuries.  Deal.   

Mother's Day? Not only do we have to share these days, but now there is also GP's day, and even the lovely MIL's day. Ugh. Seriously?     We are removing Christmas and YOUR BIRTHDAY so you can forget about mothers/GP's day, k? 

So, again, I ask---what is sacred? To me these all are, and the parents are slowly being pushed out. I really hope our generation realizes this, and backs off so that our children can be parents rather than having to fight US for the position.Let's see, you equate "parents being pushed out" by the gps being in the birth room, wanting to announce the birth as much as possible to as many as possible, having get together gift giving parties for YOU AND BABY, wanting to share in the naming of baby, oh, and wanting to bond by feeding newborn??  Yep, you DO sound spoiled.   Just don't ask us to babysit for free ----EVER and I think we'll be even.     

Happy...the gp showers are not gifts for the mom and baby.  They are gifts for the grandmother.   And...are you really serious about your responses?  Especially the one where if the dad can be there why cant you?  If you are...I understand some things a lot more clearly now.

Actually, everyone's answers have been very helpful.  Thank you.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2010, 02:25:39 PM by 1Glitterati »

cremebrulee

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Re: I genuinely want to know what you think.
« Reply #14 on: December 17, 2010, 03:03:41 PM »
Glitter, you know we all have different feelings on these matters. some are stronger then others, and I don't think anyone is wrong for the way they feel about it all, and if we can all take that into account, and realize that, accept it and allow it....allow people to have they're own opinions on situations like this, well, wouldn't it be nice...maybe there wouldn't be wars if we as human beings could understand that and just shrug it off and allow people to live they're own lives the way they would like to...take a step back and simply let them have they're day in the sun...yanno...and I'm not talking to you, I'm posting this for all of us...I think there is a very strong lesson to be learned here...and you've raised some very good points for discussion...your not wrong for feeling the way you do...and maybe time will change all our feelings on this subject in a few years...it's amazing how as I grew olders, my opinions have changed, and I have a lot of DIL's to thank for that...Glitter, your very passionate about your feelings on subjects, and you do come across strong, so do I...however, I do understand you and the whys of why you feel the way you do...it's just that we all feel differently about issues....and you know that...

I've been a tough guy, somewhat bittered by life and people...however, when it comes to my DIL, I can't tell you nhow far we've come, but it was only b/c I took a step back and saw things from her eyes...do we disagree, yes...however, she is the woman my son chose to love, and she is the love of his life....therefore, whatever she wants, I'm willing to do now...the arguing, and wanting my way, was not worth the hurt...and I love her for who she is...for her moxy her strength, her ability to forgive, and try and see things from my perspective...and we both realize, it's not at all about winning...it's about loving so much that your willing to give in...and let go....and allow...and shrug off a lot of things that were not meant to hurt...and I know, I can be very strong willed and a down right pain in the butt...so, she didn't change my son...he never changed, he simply grew up..and became a man....

I don't know why I wrote this?  REally I don't...just rambling, again....

There are some DIL's who love they're MIL's dearly and want them in on everything, and there are other DIL's who do not....it's not that a lot of DIL's don't like they're MIL's, what they don't like is that MIL's refuse to accept boundaries....some DIL's are just that way...isn't meant to hurt anyone, they just want to do things on they're own and make they're own mistakes, without advice...we're people, and we're never going to agree all of the time...because we have all been raised differently and seasoned by life...



Hugs and thank you for the discussion.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2010, 03:06:41 PM by cremebrulee »