Author Topic: Child Welfare  (Read 1135 times)

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cremebrulee

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Child Welfare
« on: December 09, 2010, 06:52:15 AM »
I read another women's thread in here this morning, and it reminded me of my experience taking in a foster child years ago.
We had applied for a foster child...my sister in law was a child psycologist.
In my experience, those people who work in child welfare, only care about getting the children a roof over they're heads, and they don't want to hear from you again...

I had a boy, who was extremely abused, and was only 7 years old.  He used to fight with all the neighbor's kids, the last time, he jumped on top of the neighbors child and screamed at him while punching him, "I'm going to F in kill you", over and over again.  The neighbors took they're child to have his ribs x-rayed....

I had been to them before and insisted on getting him tested...my sister in law wanted me to write down everything the tests showed, for her. 

I was told I wasn't allowed to put soap in his mouth for saying the F word...that I should go into my bedroom, look into the mirror and say the F word over and over again to myself, until I became comfortable with hearing it, and she said this right in front of the foster child, which told him, it was ok. 

So everytime, I tried to implement any discipline, he said he didn't have to listen to me, that we needed to call so and so, and ask her what she thought, so I did, I said, "here's the situation, now you deal with it, you created it....and handed to phone to the foster child". 

So, long story short, after our neighbors, took they're boy to be x-rayed, that did it, I didn't want to be sued and called Child welfare.  My husband and I stayed awake many nights in tears trying to come up with ideas to help him....it was awful....heartbreaking....

So, when the child welfare people came, I told them of our plight....now, our foster child was not a hugable type child...he was mean spirited and didn't have that cute feature about him.  I had heard horror stories about some foster child care givers, and feared that b/c our foster child was difficult and not that cute, that someone else might not have the patience with him that we had and hit him.  That is why we kept him so long and tried so hard...plus, we felt we failed him....

Anyway, the one woman, who had told me that I should say the F word to myself in front of the mirror, came and got him right away....that poor boy screamed all the way down the driveway...calling me his mommie.

Before they left, another young case worker came over and hugged me, while I was crying, and said..."you wouldn't hurt a fly"....and I looked at her very questioning, thinking, "what in the world is she talking about?"....well, here, I found out, that the lead case worker, thought I was saying, I might hit our foster child???????  When I told her we kept him so long b/c we feared another foster parent might loose patience with him and hit him??????

That did it for me....I don't care who that woman was, actually back then, I should have reported her...my sister in law was appauled....because I didn't agree with that woman, and she was right no matter what, she had it in for me....b/c I questioned her, stood up to her, and demanded our child be pyscologically tested, she thought she was taking it out on me, however, who lost the most here? 

I wouldn't trust those in that line of work any more....while I do believe that some of them really care, and go into it, b/c they want to make a difference, there are way to many people in that field who do not care, leaders who do not know what they're doing, or do not always do what is best for the child, plus all the horrible stories I've heard about foster parents who abuse the children, and take them only for the extra income they earn....

This post is not in any way, saying, that all child care workers are like this, however, this was my experience, and I would never do it again...it hurt, way to much....


Offline Pen

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Re: Child Welfare
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2010, 08:52:29 AM »
Hey Creme, it's been awhile. How are you doing?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: Child Welfare
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2010, 11:26:42 AM »
Hi Pen, doing well
thanks so much for asking....


Faithlooksup

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Re: Child Welfare
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2010, 07:51:46 AM »
Creme,  I do not know how long ago this happened...however, "it is never to late"... I would report her to everyone, and anyone whom is going to listen to your story.....If she has done this to you she will do it to others, and she is hurting innocent children with her gruff tongue, she is rude and harsh and this is not what foster children need.
Dont let her get away with this~Please.......I understand it is going to be your word agaist her word but I would still fight....You never know perhaps others have turned her in as well, or want to and are afraid.....So some one--you--must be brave.
Think about it--but dont take to long~~the children need your help.
Faith

Faithlooksup

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Re: Child Welfare
« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2010, 05:04:29 AM »
Creme~~~~are you going to report this???????? Really, I am serious!!!!! Hugs, Faith

cremebrulee

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Re: Child Welfare
« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2010, 05:54:01 AM »
Creme,  I do not know how long ago this happened...however, "it is never to late"... I would report her to everyone, and anyone whom is going to listen to your story.....If she has done this to you she will do it to others, and she is hurting innocent children with her gruff tongue, she is rude and harsh and this is not what foster children need.
Dont let her get away with this~Please.......I understand it is going to be your word agaist her word but I would still fight....You never know perhaps others have turned her in as well, or want to and are afraid.....So some one--you--must be brave.
Think about it--but dont take to long~~the children need your help.
Faith

Hi Faith, this happened 20 some years ago...most American's are not aware of how broken down our systems are here in America...Child welfare is no exception, and I can't imagine how bad it must be today...my case worker at the time, was very annoyed with this woman...but, it was out of her hands, as if she'd have spoken up the woman would have fired her....I would however, love to speak to this woman today, face to face...as she was a very bad leader...we stayed up night after night trying to figure out what to do with this child, how to help him...he was severely abused...his head felt like a relief map...we asked for help time after time, but they only cared that he had a warm bed to sleep in and food on the table....it was heartbreaking when he left, but we had no other alternative, and I always wondered how he turned out...who he was placed with, and if they were able to help him?  But report her, she's probably very old now, or even gone....However, I have no faith in the Child Welfare system

Faithlooksup

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Re: Child Welfare
« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2011, 05:39:41 AM »
Oh I am sorry Creme it was that long ago.  I truley hate to imagine what it is like today all the poor innocent children.  Creme, someday "that woman" will meet her maker and will have to do some explaining...   Happy New Year, Faith

kathleen

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Re: Child Welfare
« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2011, 07:25:24 AM »
Creme,

Our son who cut off was adopted and he had many problems.  We managed to hold tight.

However, a friend of mine adopted a disadvantaged child and had to return him to the system after he was legally adopted.  He was threatening her and her daughter.  To this day, she doesn't want him to know where she is; she thinks however that he is in jail.  Despite this, my friend still feels awful about the whole thing.  She intended to try and change the world through caring for one unwanted child.  And look what she got.  I keep telling her she should not feel one shred of guilt; just the opposite; he might have hurt or even killed her other child, and her daughter deserved to be raised in a safe home.  She still wishes there had been a different way out other than to "give him back," but it's not realistic, is it?

We have some very rosy views of adoption and foster children in this society.  It is a problem without end.  These children deserve a home and to be cared for and loved, but some are just impossible, as you learned.  Perhaps the social worker---not excusing her---was "gruff" because her job was so difficult.  Many of these kids are simply unable to live in a normal household.  And, as I learned from my friend and now from you, they can actually be dangerous.

I used to think that the loving environment you created for a needy child could save the world.  This is not true.  The studies of separated twins, for example, show that genetics are 90% of personality, possibly even more.  I know my adopted son behaves as his biological father did, abandoning people, along with other bad behaviors, despite an adoptive father/role model who never once acted in these ways.  Trying to change my son only created misery.

Social workers have the toughest job on the planet trying to save these kids.  Where I live, the job is extremely low paying and has no prestige.  Another friend of mine took a job with the state (moved here from elsewhere) and in two months was so discouraged with her colleagues she quit. 
You don't attract quality professionals by paying them slave wages and working them to death.  The turnover rate here in child welfare is very high.  Again these are not excuses but they are explanations.

I'm sorry the whole nightmare happened to you, Creme.  It was so good of you to try with one child.  I am glad however this child did not continue to live with you. Something irrevocable may well have happened.

Kathleen

kathleen

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Re: Child Welfare
« Reply #8 on: January 01, 2011, 08:05:52 AM »
Creme,

Here's another story from yet another friend, whose grandmother adopted a boy; she was trying to do good in the world.  He turned out to be mildly retarded.  He also was gay, and preyed on young boys (younger than teens), one of whom finally murdered him when he was well into middle age.  This was a story with no redeeming value or positive endings for anyone.

This mother/grandmother suffered no end of grief and guilt over this child.  It is too bad forums like this one were not available to her so she could have stopped blaming herself for something that was no one's fault, certainly not hers.  She so much needed information and support.

Sometimes when we try to do good, we are thwarted by fate.  I still think it's wonderful that you tried.

Kathleen

cremebrulee

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Re: Child Welfare
« Reply #9 on: January 01, 2011, 10:02:03 AM »
Hi there, thanks so much for your time and support kathleen, however, I'm not so much as angry at the social worker, as I am myself...I feel like I failed that little boy...and your right, never ever expected the child to be so lost....but like I said, after our neighbors parents took they're child for x-rays to make certain his ribs were not broken due to our foster child, I worried about liability....and our friends children...

I do believe there are many working in this field who do care and do want to help...however, they're hands are tied in many cases, b/c our systems do not work...a lot of people in that field, as in many others are incompetent...it seems that bad work ethics and behavior are rewarded these days...I see it all the time, in many fields....it's hard to stay positive at times...

again, hugs for your support...and sharing your stories, I greatly appreciate you....

Creme