Author Topic: Here We Go Again  (Read 2197 times)

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kathleen

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Here We Go Again
« on: December 09, 2010, 06:08:05 AM »
Wise MIL's,

I tried writing this this morning and it didn't go through, so pardon if it somehow shows up twice.

I have news.

My oldest son just got engaged.  He is bringing her home for Christmas.   I don't know what to think about it.  Of course, I know what to do about it, but not what to---privately---think.

He was married once for fifteen minutes, a "starter marriage."(A savvy writer wrote a book with that title.)  I think of it like the time when he had training wheels on his bike. Neither one of them had the maturity of a chicken, let alone the stuff for a good marriage.  She was a slash and burn spender, racking up three coats all the same color at $1,500 each in the same season; $800 a month for her hair, etc.  He gave her a ton of cash and happily watched her depart.  Later, when she was safely gone, he told us she had started up just like my DIL who is married to my middle son aka the Kutoff King (OK, I stole that from Krispy Kreme.)  She was saying things like, "Your parents don't like me." 

We were stunned.  We had made every single effort to treat her like a princess.  I would even get up early and go collect fresh (organic of course) mint from the garden for her herbal tea, and bring it up to her on a tray while she was still in bed.  We thought we had a great relationship with her; we never spent much time with her, so it was hard to figure.  So, my track record with my DIL's isn't good, and I have to watch it this time in case I am inadvertently doing something wrong.

The new fiance isn't a spender.  Glory be, they just want to go to City Hall and get married.  No more gorilla wedding with political explosions to make the last national election look like running for kindergarten hall monitor.  Not to mention that we'll save enough money on that alone to open our own bank.  So far, so good.

Also, more good news, she is from another country and her parents live apart, in different foreign countries.  No more pandering to hordes of relatives we have nothing in common with, and in any case don't really like.  Her mother was divorced four times so it's hard to keep all that straight.  (My husband and I have never been divorced.)  What I worry about is that she's going to marry my son, have a baby, get homesick and leave for overseas. 

Time was, I welcomed my DIL's with open arms (and herbal tea.)  I imagined my future in a Grandma Moses Christmas card, with little ones scurrying toward their presents under the tree.  I'm smarter than that now, with a granddaughter I never see; my rose-colored glasses are permanently smashed.  So all I can do is make the new one feel at home and hope for the best. 

This business of parenting is not for control freaks.  Too much sitting around on our hands feeling helpless, and closing our mouths when we feel like advising.   Maybe I should have had cats instead of children.  For one thing, cats never talk behind your back and say things like, "I don't think they like me."  They also don't spend $1,500 a piece on coats.

Comments?  Does anyone have a DIL from another country?  Are there DIL's from other parts of the world?  What made you feel at home with your husband's family?  What should we avoid?

Thanks!

Kathleen





Offline Pen

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2010, 08:51:46 AM »
Congratulations, Kathleen...here's to a wonderful new DIL experience. She sounds like a sensible woman and I'm sure she'll fit in well. About her overseas ties, all you can do is wonder whether or not they'll want to move closer to her mother when children arrive. It's a very real possibility, so you're wise to prepare yourself. My brother lives half a world away because his wife missed her family. He & I were very close, and he's just about the only family I have left...it's been difficult but life goes on.

My DIL's FOO lives here the States but they all immigrated from another country and if the FOO returns I think DIL & DS would go as well. However, since things are going so well for DIL's parents here and they frequently entertain their relatives from the old country, it's more probable that they'll "import" their family here. I can't think about the other option right now.

Enjoy your DS & DIL while you have them near. Perhaps they'll decide to have DIL's mom move here instead; wouldn't that be nice?
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

LaurieS

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2010, 12:26:19 PM »
I'm listening closely as my son is preparing to ask his Japanese gf to marry him.  She told me that her father who doesn't truly know any American's is not thrilled about her dating my son.  He did meet my son and liked him, but that was when he thought it was casual dating.  Her dad told her that in America that if she were to have a child and then for any reason divorced that the child would be kept here in the states by the authorities.  I shook my head and told her that this is not the way the American courts work.. but that I would hope that they would hold off on children until they were both happy and the marriage sound.  Her dad finished with, well thank goodness he's not Chinese  ;D

kathleen

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2010, 03:27:57 PM »
Laurie, was your son's gf raised here or in Japan?  Japan has an extremely rigid culture in regard to women.  Also what her father said is more true of Japan than America.  Should she go there to live, it could be very hard to get out again. 

Pen, I do think if my son's fiance married him and wanted to move to her country, she would have a fight on her hands.  He is much older now and set in his ways and I don't think he's going to leave his beloved, adopted Manhattan.  He once told me the very first time he ever saw New York, he knew he wanted to live there.  He's made a big success out of a very competitive environment. 

Yes, Pen, I'm going to be positive until there is reason not to be.  I do want my son to be happy.  And I know he's been lonely being single since his starter marriage.  So I truly hope it works out. 

It will be an interesting Christmas.

Kathleen


LaurieS

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2010, 03:46:44 PM »
You know Kathleen.. I have a dd who is in grad school now.. but she's looking to move to the 'big city'... great kid, born and raised here in the USA... even better then that, Texas, she is very if not overly concerned about money and the importance of saving...hmmm how old is your son?  I might add, enjoys cooking and cleaning and has also learned the value of vinegar.. do I need to say more?

My son's gf was raised in Japan, her father is a international businessman but does not do business within the USA.  He wanted her to improve upon her language skills that is the reason she was attending a university here.  She will be returning home towards the end of Jan, my son plans to go there in Feb and they hope to return shortly after that.  We'll see.. my biggest concern is that her father will simply forbid her and she because of her culture and background will abide.. my son would be heartbroken.  This is the one trying to get into the Navy, now won't that go over well with the Japanese parents? Ahhh life is so hard at times.

Faithlooksup

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2010, 06:54:38 AM »
Hi Kathleen,  1st off Congratulations on the new news of you DIL to be...  2nd off~if she is not into the "money thing" that is always a BIG PLUS....  My DIL is not a materialistic person at all and that has always been a blessings, when she does spend money it is on the GC's and DS, bills, food etc....so I truley do honor her in that area.

As far as your new DIL to be and from another country as well, do ask son what are her favorite food types~~this way when you do sit down and have a meal together their will be something for her to enjoy~~she may not be into american cuisine yet...

My cousin Tim married a Korean gal 30 years ago,(he was in the army then)  my aunt and uncle were quite worried about this in example, was she useing my cousin to get into the U.S. etc.  So, my Uncle had a complete background check done on her, was she ever married before, any trafficing arrests etc....the whole nine yards.... She came up clean....End of story with that.

  However they are still happily married, have raised 3 beautiful children whom are now adults and doing well.  She is a wonderful Mother and Wife~~went to college close to home received her Bachelors in Psychology with honors and just as sweet as can be.....  And when you go for dinner you will be served rice instead of Mashed potatoes... :)

Give it a chance~~~DS may have learned a valuable lesson the first time around... and sometimes that is all it takes...

Blessings and Hugs, Faith :)

kathleen

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2010, 07:51:16 AM »
Faith,

Thanks so much indeed for your post.  You have given me wonderful hope.  I should not be pre-prejudiced just because my future DIL comes from another country.  My son is so happy now; he has been so lonely for years.  After all, he married a homespun US girl 1st time around and look what happened: disaster.  I may also have unconsciously been projecting onto a young woman I have never met all the terrible things my other DIL has done to alienate the family, which is also wrong, wrong.  Sometimes because of all that has happened losing my granddaughter, I think I can't see the forest for the trees.

I really appreciate you sharing that story.  It's beautiful, and I am so happy for your family.  You are blessed to have such a beautiful, caring, talented DIL who is also a great mother.  Happy, happy!

Appreciate the advice on food.  It's just what I need.  I did buy her two beautiful gifts in Canada, some lovely very light woolen leg warmers from Italy, and a pair of all wool gloves that go all the way up the arms.  My son says she is always cold and I understand that because I am like that too.  I thought those gifts would be useful but not too personal.  I had a pair of the same leg warmers and really loved them.  Their apartment in NY is very tiny so one cannot buy many house gifts.

In the end it does not matter where our DIL's come from; it only matters who they are.  You have given me the joy of anticipation for this holiday season.

Lots of holly and mistletoe,

Kathleen

Faithlooksup

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2010, 08:38:14 AM »
Hi Kathleen, You are doing just fine and the gifts sound beautiful, I am certain she will be delighted, perhaps even a nice new afgan or quilt for both of them would also be great to help keep them warm in NY...

I am just looking so forward to hearing about all of this when  you meet her.....

Sending Love and positive thoughts your way.....

Hugs, Faith :)

LaurieS

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2010, 10:39:27 PM »
Kathleen, when does your son and his gf arrive for the holidays?

kathleen

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #9 on: December 21, 2010, 06:23:54 AM »
Hi Laurie,

They are arriving Friday afternoon.  I am now trying to learn how to speak "Welcome" and "Hello" in Russian.

I'm praying she will like us.  Keep your fingers crossed.

How is your Christmas coming?  Did you get everything done?  I put the finishing touches on the decorating last night.  Made flourless chocolate cookies (to die for, also no butter) from King Arthur Flour and they are already half gone between my husband and me; there goes my diet, and worth every calorie.  This cookie is straight out of heaven.  (Actually if I don't make it to heaven I'll settle for a permanent after-life at the King Arthur store in Vermont.  Do you think once we're spirits we can eat what we want and not gain an ounce?)

It's snowing madly here.  We weren't supposed to get it, but I think the weatherman decided to say that as a ho-ho-ho Christmas joke, because it's really coming down now.  It looks pretty.

Happy holidays,

Kathleen

LaurieS

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #10 on: December 21, 2010, 07:02:49 AM »
Made flourless chocolate cookies (to die for, also no butter) from King Arthur Flour and they are already half gone between my husband and me;

Ok this is kinda like a riddle... why would King Arthur Flour give you a recipe for flourless cookies?

And now you mention snow...  it's going to be 79 here today, they are saying that it will cool off a little on Christmas Day but really this is ridiculous.

Enjoy your Friday.. and remember she doesn't expect you to speak Russian :)  Oh maybe a Russian cookie would be nice.  You'll do fine.. we all love you to death, so I'm sure she will also.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2010, 07:05:51 AM »
And if that doesn't work, how about a White Russian?  I am beginning to think that a good way to keep peace is to keep everyone liquored up! (joking)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

LaurieS

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #12 on: December 21, 2010, 07:09:28 AM »
I agree Pooh.. it does seem to have a mellowing effect :)

kathleen

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #13 on: December 21, 2010, 07:38:36 AM »
Laurie,

The reason King Arthur gives this recipe is because they want to draw you to their site, and because they sell all kinds of other things that go into the cookie like the vanilla and the chocolate.  This really is a spectacular cookie.  I was thrilled to find the recipe after stopping at their store especially to eat them.  (Lots cheaper to make your own.)  Their products are always the best, but they are expensive.  You can also get cookware and kitchen utensils there that you can't find anywhere else.  Wonderful place, people come from all over the world to visit the store. 

I am making Russian tea cakes from my mother's recipe.  No corn starch.  KA flour, of course, and about a half a ton of butter. 

Pooh, what's the recipe for White Russians?  I used to drink Black Russians but I think one would keel me over today.  However, if my prospective DIL doesn't like me, this might be the easiest way to die and go to Mother-in-Law Heaven. 

Thanks for your support.  It really helps.  Checking the MIL site ives me a great deal to look forward to en route to the guillotine.  Do you think she'll be nice?  Maybe she'll be nice. 

Kathleen

Offline Pooh

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Re: Here We Go Again
« Reply #14 on: December 21, 2010, 08:21:01 AM »
White Russian

2 oz Vanilla vodka
1 oz coffee liqueur (I like Kahlua)
1/2 - 1 oz light cream

Pour the vodka and Kahlua over ice and add cream on top. I prefer to think of it as "souped" up coffee.  And I bet she will be really, really nice Kathleen and think you are wondermous!

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell