Author Topic: How to help dd with infertility  (Read 1059 times)

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Hear2day

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How to help dd with infertility
« on: November 05, 2010, 04:47:08 PM »
Hi friends- I feel we are here.  Just found out that my dd's dh has no sperm according to beginning tests. Truth be told, this is their personal heartbreak and they have to work this out as a couple. Bet you can hear my - but however.  In university I was a published neonatal research scientist and babies are my field.  It is taking all my strength to not interfere.
I know their doctor and he is not a specialist and could make matters worse. Although I wasn't asked ( and we all know that unasked for advise is neither needed or wanted but...) I offered them access to one of the top in this field who has one of the highest births percentages in this difficult field. They choose to go with dh's cousin's doctor whose credentials are so-so.
As my dd's mom, I want her to have the best. But truth be told this is their decision. I have to let them live life on their terms. Yes, it hurts to feel helpless to do something but this is about their lives, marriage and faith. Maybe they will grow stronger together as a family. On their wedding day I reminded them that as of this day they were their own little family that will grow in love and children. Well, will we may propose plans God disposes. I have faith that maybe even though we may not have the answers because we are too close to the situation God sees the whole picture. I'm holding on to this.  But I may be wrong. Maybe I should ask dr friend to call but that too would be wrong. Remember that saying - you can bring a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Well I was a country gal and many a time I had to force horses to take nasty medicines and such because it was for their own good. When our dds' and ds' were little who didn't have to use everything in our arsenal of tools from sugar, a dollar, pleading and even holding their noses to makethem take their medicine. Ok, I know we can't go their anymore but we can dream. Truth here again, they have to work this out on their own. God gave us free will but even the Almighty had to push Moses, with his stutter, to speak for His people. And don't get me stared on Jonah who tried to escape, got swallowed by a fish all because he didn't want to be a prophet. These stories just remind me that 1- I am not God and will make mistakes and 2- even the Almighty had to force his children to do the right thing but back to one. I know I am not the Almighty, and i am glad not to have His job of tending to really ungrateful children who take, take, take and still want more.I will make mistakes and hope I can avoid making some here.
Any other women have better  ideas or thoughts? Please let me know. Even if it's just a giggle it will help me to mind my own business. Let's laugh more than we cry as we grow and go on with this gift of life we were given. Hugs and blessings to all. Thanks for letting me vent

Hope

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Re: How to help dd with infertility
« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2010, 06:13:11 PM »
h2d,
It's too bad your dd/sil aren't taking advantage of your connections and knowledge in that area.  It just doesn't make sense, but often life doesn't.  Anyway, since you really don't have control of their decisions, you just have to sit back and watch them make their own choices.  Maybe they will luck out and get good results, but if they don't they just might come to you for help later.  And if they don't want to take your advise, you will be better off to brace yourself to just accept whatever happens.  Did you mention your dd's age?   Sorry if you did - I didn't catch it.  Does she have plenty of time to start her family?
Hugs, Hope

Hear2day

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Re: How to help dd with infertility
« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2010, 08:18:46 PM »
Hi Hope,
Love your name. It's what we are all living on now.
Dd is 29 and sil is 33.  Found grants for them to cover costs
And special loans.  Truth be told again, I can understand sil
Position about all this. Sil has always wanted to be a great father. Sil joked often ( in the past) that he would love to stay home and take care of the kids. My dd is a workaholic so it would have been a good fit. You are right about sitting this one out. Dd keeps me limited info and I can understand because this is so personal.
      Thanks for the tip and if you know any good clean jokes or advice. I admit I don't have all the answers. Just have so much love for both of them.  The infertility sites don't mention participation of dd or ds parents. We raise our dd and ds. They grow up but our need to make the hurt, tears and pain go
away is overwhelming. They will always be the babies we held in our arms.
       Also, I never lose Hope. Wasn't that the last thing left in
Pandora's box?  Isn't that what God gives us in our heart -
hope. Hope is a great gift because it keeps us going, loving and
sacrificing.  And Faith is the gift from God that sustains us
When the world seems upside down. I believe that with God's
love everything is possible. And maybe if a child is born they
will cherish it more because of what they had to do
        Hope, I really read everyone postings and pray for healing for all. I know that may not seem like much but sometimes the
Stories are so heartbreaking that words fail and there isn't anything I can say.  And what remains is Hope. As I said before, I really like your name. Thanks for taking the time to
reply.
Hugs and may wonderful things happen to you soon.
Hear2 day

Hope

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Re: How to help dd with infertility
« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2010, 06:03:02 AM »
h2d,
I can't believe it!  This is my THIRD time posting my reply - the first time I accidentally hit escape and everything disappeared.  The second time I clumsily dropped the mouse and everything I typed is gone.  Well, the third time is a charm. 
Thanks for your kind words and prayers.  I agree with you - everything is possible with God's love.  You have such a huge heart - it was good of you to research and find a grant to cover all your dd/sil's costs!  Is there a chance they may still use it?  They still have some time - people are starting families so much later these days.  My dd/sil are trying to have a child, but haven't had any luck either (dd is 31).  I firmly believe that if they can't have children, they will adopt - just have that feeling.  Our ds/dil had trouble too and had to use extraordinary measures to get pregnant.  My dh and I didn't even given any of that a thought when we were having children - we just thought all we had to do is want a child and they appeared.  We were so blessed, but took it for granted. We never dreamt that our children would be going through this!  I believe that we will be lucky to have a total of three gc.  We'll see.
Now for some jokes to lighten the mood:
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."  (Drumroll please.)
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.  ;D
 I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.   :P  I hope you all have a great Saturday!
Hugs, Hope

Offline FAFE

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Re: How to help dd with infertility
« Reply #4 on: November 06, 2010, 12:41:52 PM »
My dd and sil have that exact same problem.  They went thru several IVF's, etc., and nothing worked.  They are now the proud parents of a 3 week old baby girl that they adopted.  She is indeed a gift from God.  This child is so loved and the parent's are just great with her.  Maybe this can be the way your dd and sil have that special someone. 

I too had to bite my tongue lots, but was in a position to help them financially for some of the costs. 

Hear2day

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Re: How to help dd with infertility
« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2010, 06:37:51 PM »
Thank you Hope and Fafe for you kind words.  And thank you for the joke. I know so many of my neighborhood kids who are grown and it's weddings and Baptisms all the time. I think the dads will chuckle.
    Fafe congratulations on the precious wee one. I used to call these special miraculous gifts as the children from another womb. They grew in another womb while waiting for their real families to find them. There are many children adopted and so loved among the neighborhood. They are a blessing to all of us here. Many are older and some are chosen just because the parents had so much love to give that they needed to adopt to make their families complete along with their birth children.
     My dd and sil have already decided not to adopt or use a sperm donor. This is their family decision and maybe this is best for them. But I will not lose hope. They are just beginning the process and still have many tests to go. I already know ( thanks to all of you wonderful wise women ) to not cross boundaries. How to stay strong and love deeply. But no one can stop me from praying. Ask and you shall receive, knock and the door will be opened. Although God has opened doors in some very funny places like the time He placed me in a position to stay and translate between two cousins who had an argument so long ago they forgot the reason. They were on their 90's. I intentionally changed a word or two ( poetic license allowed for the sake of peace and healing). Who knew they missed each other so much and yes, although I don't know how, they started another mini argument about who misses the other more. Life! Ain' it grand!
       We have so many new techniques to have children and if it doesn't work maybe this is the journey that will make them more compassionate and loving to others. Maybe their love will grow stronger and then they might be open to adoption. Maybe my dd and sil will grow enough love to really include me in their lives. Time will tell. Also, many states have grants especially for infertile couples and some states ( not ours ) mandate coverage for infertility. Check out your state health department and the NIH. gov website. There is reputable info and links for so many illnesses and conditions. But, I have saved a little and hope it can pay for some of the bills just like you.
      Truth be told, it is frustrating waiting outside and not working to help. We moms always want to wipe away their tears and tell them it will be OK. Well, in my heart I really feel whatever the outcome it will be alright if we stand together. I am really working hard to be a better person for myself. If I don't believe in me and am not a happy person in my own right why would anyone want to be around me. I wouldn't.
      My local university offers so many great courses to us grownups over 50 for $290 for the whole year! What a bargain and what a great opportunity to learn new things and be with others. It also offers a chance to volunteer. Bet I will make a fun "grandmother" in  the foster grandparent program at the loval school. And maybe that is what God was steering me to go all along. 
         Who knows what amazing adventures lie ahead for all of us wise women united. We all have so much love and wisdom to share. Just keep hope and love in our hearts no matter what hurts are happening now. We can wipe each others tears even if there is no one around to give us hugs and just maybe we can laugh a bit too. 
      And may I offer a very special prayer that God blesses Fafe's gc and  as always blessings of peace to all of you. Hope i so love your name. Can you count how many times i write it? Hmmmm.... Hugs all around.

Offline FAFE

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Re: How to help dd with infertility
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2010, 05:32:47 AM »
Thank you for the kind words and espeically the blessing for my new grandbaby.  SIL was not so keen on adopting, but did change his mind, thank the good Lord.  I went to Europe this past April and cannot tell you how many candles my friend and I lit and prayed over for this baby.  She is being dedicated at church this morning, so y'all keep your fingers crossed for that going good. 

I will keep your dd and sil in my prayers and will light some candles for them, if only in my mind.