Author Topic: A learning experience  (Read 2091 times)

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Rose

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A learning experience
« on: October 10, 2010, 07:51:18 AM »
When I found this website I was hoping to get help from these "wise women" to possibly understand my mother in laws side of things, I have tried for years and discussed it with many people in person and on line to get some understanding other then she is just mean and trying to drive me over the edge.  Maybe so I can even try to offer an olive branch and not have her hit me with it, this time.  When I saw Erma's post I related with her and would have liked to help her.  Of course I can understand as a Daughter in law I am the enemy.  I was still hoping to learn from the experience. 
 
I can't believe that you are so closed minded as to not even consider an apology.  You all refer to the Daughter in laws as self centered. Wow!  I think most of the problems on here could be resolved with just taking into consideration that the world doesn't revolve around you or your Daughter in law and saying you are sorry is not a sign of weakness.   I know with me I would have been elated if my Mother in law would have once apologized and admitted that she knew what she did was in fact wrong and that she would stop.  I have received comments that I can't even perceive as apologies of "get over it"  "sorry for whatever you think I did wrong"  and "If I did something wrong I would admit it and apologize" and I just wanted to stop in and visit," I still think terrorize.  But never anything along the lines of I understand that you are having panic attacks when people come to the house, I'm sorry for putting you through my visits (that are sometimes once a week and others everyday for weeks.)  I will stop and I hope with time be your old self again.  My Mother in laws visits consisted of going from door to door I have three exterior doors and beating on the door and then going to the next door and doing the same, never staying at one door long enough for me to get there.  Sometimes she also went to windows and looked in, and that was when I could figure out who it was.  She recommended that we give her a key so as to not disturb me and when told that wasn't an option I was told I should leave my door unlocked for her to enter on her own. 
 
There's not a whole lot of difference there to me from a woman who knows that her daughter in law is angry with her but insists and stopping over to visit when she is home alone and parking in a neighboring parking lot and being surprised that she isn't thanked for it.  I will soon be a Mother in law myself and my future son in law says he can see already that I will be a great mother in law because I try to see things from his side.  Try it ladies. 
 
You can continue with telling each other "and you did everything right too" or you can at least try to put forth some effort to help at least each other. 
 
Thanks for the help, I have learned a bunch from this site.

Offline Pen

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2010, 08:04:16 AM »
I don't know where to begin. It sounds like you're really hurt and angry, and it's probably good for you to vent, but there are a few things that need to be clarified. I don't think anyone here ever expresses the same exact feelings as everyone else! We all don't view all DILs as the enemy or as self-centered. I'm sorry you are hurt, and I hope you can read more posts than just the ones by equally hurt MILs/DILs. This site may not be for you, and that's cool. I just don't want you to think of us in absolute terms since we're a really varied, and mostly open-minded, bunch. Best wishes to you in your quest for understanding.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

cremebrulee

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2010, 10:30:44 AM »
Quote
Rose  Of course I can understand as a Daughter in law I am the enemy.  I was still hoping to learn from the experience. 


You are not the enemy....and when MIL's on here say something like DIL's are self centered, etc....well, as yourself, when your going thru such a despairing situation...Rose, it's difficult to actually believe there are good DIL's out there, or DIL's who do love they're MIL's and get along fine with them..
They are hurt and as of yet, cannot wrap around that fact sometimes...but we need you here...and we all need to understand the sensitivity in our posts before we post them...or react in anger to a post...so as not to offend anyone, but sometimes, it is hard...doesn't make it right, however, it's just difficult.  I ask that you remain and share, and not take to heart what people post...b/c even though they are taking insult, they may think about it later, and decide, "hey, maybe she's got something". 

I found your post to be very realistic, caring and informative and believe you would be such an asset to this community...

There are indeed some of us that have apologized....and want to communicate...it takes a long time to heal and to go forward, some of us do, and some of us don't....but more then anything else, we have to understand, that we've each been through a lot and need help to see a different perspective...

Rose, I would apologize, b/c if my DIL cut me off (and this doesn't apply to anyone else here) but I myself know, if I'm being cut off, there is something not only offending my DIL, but hurting her and interferring with her life as she would like it to be.  I also am able to realize, that DIL doesn't need me or want me in her life as much as my son did...and do not call or just stop by for any reason...maybe b/c I'm like that...so, it's easier to understand.

Some of the ladies here do not get it when you tell them that, b/c they feel, your saying they are wrong...and they are not wrong, but they feel differently about an issue, such as constantly calling and or stopping by unannounced...and take offense when you tell them that.

It's not about who is wrong and who is right...and of course, none of us feel we've done anything wrong, b/c we've been like this all our lives, we were raised that way....to believe that our thoughts and actions are ok...and it's so difficult for us to understand, that from where someone else is standing, it was wrong to them...they were insulted, and a lot of it has to do with accepting people for who they are...they may be rude or outspoken, or a bit smothering, or do not understand that they're way isn't always going to agree with the ways of someone else...

So, I ask you to please hang in there...don't be offended b/c someone disagreed with you, we don't all feel like that, and I feel your post was not only helpful, realistic and kind...and I also feel, that sometimes we need to apologize to get the ball rolling...so that the other person realizes we care about they're feelings...and we're sorry, but we didn't intend that action the way it was taken, but will be more mindful of it now and try to do better....that is the way we grow, and the only way we are able to view another situation from another person's perspective.

I've very sorry your feelings were hurt, but don't judge us all by a post of disagreement....b/c there is a whole lot we can learn from one another...

Apologies are a good thing, as long as the person is sincere and isn't aplogizing constantly...

like Pen said, a quest for understanding...but that quest depends on how open minded we can be, and realize, another's point of view, concepts and feelings...

remember, when you get a negative post...sometimes, that person might have just had a bad day....or something bad might have happened...and they are in here b/c they are upset....don't take it personal or equate us all the same....as we should not equate DIL's the same, and I don't believe I do...if anything, I believe we can learn more from DIL's then anyone else....



Hugs and love
Creme
 
« Last Edit: October 10, 2010, 10:33:43 AM by cremebrulee »

Orly

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2010, 12:33:06 PM »
Rose,
Not everyone on this site is a MIL....we have lots of DILs posting here also.  Most are posting about their own situations with ONE specific or maybe two people they are dealing with.  Quite a few ladies have tendered apologies for things they didn't know they did, or weren't  told specifically what they did....just that they did something.  They don't look at all other DILS as the enemy...so please don't tar yourself with that brush,  you are a woman seeking answers...as are they.  Granted somedays are better than others and some are just the pits, so there will be days angst, anger, bewilderment and desire for validation spill over as an angry post.   Yes, you may see parallels to your own life posted...or even some that are eerily spot on...that is just life.  There may be millions of people in the world....but the way we treat each other hasn't changed much over recorded history.  Families have been dancing around the same issues for as long as we have been grouping together as clans, tribes, families and villiages.  We all have worn ruts into our behaviors.   We are still trying to get it right.

 We all have experianced the DIL side of the coin and we all will experiance  the MIL side of that same coin.  What you are reading from MILs on this site may be in your future...you won't know until you reach the age to face it. 

Keep posting.  Keep reading.  Keep letting your voice be heard hear and in your daily experiances.


Creme or Luise, yank my chain, I'm sounding like a pompus twit again!

cremebrulee

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2010, 01:30:11 PM »
Orly, you never sound like a pompus twit, that job is reserved for me....  ;D

Hugs and good to see ya...
Creme

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2010, 11:38:16 PM »
Rose:

I read your first post with attention.  I am a mil who did have problems with dil at the beginning.  We did speak and worked it out.

I liked the advice you gave and never did I feel you were trying to offend anyone.  I felt you were sincere and I agreed totally with you.  Daughter in-law didnt wanted her mil to come and mil disregarded her wishes.  Mil probably was desperate but she pushed too much.   I felt you were giving a good advice from a dil's point of view.   Probably I agree because if dil doesnt want me to come over, I dont.....I dont expose myself to humuliation and hurt.  That is just the way I am.   I can try hard over and over again to have a good relationship with dil, but never forcing the situations. 

Everything you said made sense to me.   I read all the answers to your post and I also thought some were  not objective.  I am all against rude dils and there are millions.  I also think that we dont deserve to be treated as trash....but we too have to not do things that puts us in danger of being hurt. 

You are not the enemy.  We mils can learn from you and you too can learn from us.  We can complement each other.

I am a person that have no problem apologizing when I feel I am wrong.   

Please stay.....I did appreciate your advice.  I have sometimes felt that I have been attacked but sometimes people have a different opinion and we take words literally.  It would help to see us face to face lol. 

Love

Rosie
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

erma

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2010, 09:40:51 AM »
hi rose, first, I'm sorry i hurt your feelings or you  were hurt by my words. not intended. i have apologized  to my DIL, when i was wrong. i own my mistakes, they are mine and no one else's. i have never had a problem apologizing when I'm wrong or hurt someones feelings. BUT, i also am a DIL, and a MIL. so when its presumed that i don't understand what it means to be a DIL, or that i cant or wont apologize, or don't ad hear to boundaries, i take offense as well. i do have the common sense to understand my DIL's boundaries, i am not your MIL. I'm sorry your MIL has treated you so badly. it puts a bad light on us all. i do hear you, you have sound advice, some of what you say though, simply doesn't apply to me or our situation. i could wright a book here, but just giving some of the facts as i am a new poster as well. (someone said your new to this site too) as Luise says, i take what applies to me and leave the rest.

miss_priss

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2010, 01:52:11 PM »
Hi Rose - I just wanted to say that I came into this site much like you, "like a Lion."  As a new-er DIL myself, I see things on the other playing field.  I also see things for what they are.  I don't like to dig in and speculate on the "what ifs" and "if I'd only's" and the "what could I have done differently's."  I like facts, what DID happen, and what did you do to cause it, or how did you react to it to put the machine in motion.  I'm not much of an emotional person, I apply logic and reasoning, equations and statistics....throw emotion in the mix and I shut down.  And I am a stickler on my personal boundaries, years of verbal abuse and nasty comments from my MIL made me that way.  Now, if my boundaries are crossed without apology, plain and simple, you're going to have one hell of a time getting close enough to cross them again.  it's like my SIL, whom the first correspondence I ever had with her was an email where she outright called me a nasty name and told me I'd better "come around to her family's old-school way of thinking or I'd have hell to pay."  She never apologized for that, nor has she ever brought it up.  But now, the same SIL constantly sends me email that sounds as if it were from my BFF.  "Call me and we'll chit chat about the baby!  Send me pictures of the baby!  Awwww, you're so beautiful with the baby!"  All I can think of is "puh-leeze.  Shut up."  She already crossed my boundary, she sees nothing that she needs to apologize for, but SHE has moved on like nothing ever happened and wants me to do the same.  I just don't respond.  I am that awful DIL that ignores her.  Shame on me.           

My line of thought is:  If you did something wrong, apologize for it.  If you can't do that, then don't cry over the consequences.  And just because YOU don't think you did anything wrong doesn't make it so.  And "blanket apologies" are just about useless to me.  If you don't own responsibility and know what you did wrong, then you can't be truly sorry for it.  But there is also the responsibility of the offended to be open about what the offender did to hurt them.  If you can't say "you said _________ and it hurt me," then don't expect an apology.   

I too would have loved to have a sincere apology from my MIL, even just once.  I actually threw a glass of water in her face once after being pointed at, screamed at, and provoked for about 10 minutes.  I apologized to her.  That was hard, but I did it.  I thought that it would be a step in the right direction.  I could admit my wrongdoings, and hopefully that would show her that I was willing to meet her half way.  LOL - she accepted my apology alright, but not a hint of one from her....even to this day.  That happened when I was 4 months pregnant.  From that night on I had complications with my pregnancy and ended up delivering a baby 9 weeks early.....do you think she apologized for that?  HAHA!  Yeah right!  She never spoke to me again after that, she just pretended I didn't exist.  She never even stepped a foot into my hospital room to see how I was doing, but she sure was out there camping out in the waiting room, salivating to get her wicked hands on my daughter!

Now I really wish I'd thrown the whole dang sink at her.  But that wouldn't change anything, she'd still never apologize, because to her, her actions are "justified" by her pool of sympathizers who tell her that everything she did was ok, and "just out of reaction" and "she was forced to do that from the pain," OR she just denies it altogether...just depends on who you ask.  It's sad, but what can you do?  Lashing out certainly does nothing.   

Rambling, yes, guilty.  My point is that we can agree that some women who have posted on this site could really use a reality check with their DILs.  Some are genuinely good and I'd trade my MIL for them any day.  Some are bad, and you know it the first 2 sentences of their post.    Sometimes I read here and I shake my head and I struggle not to post back and say "wow, you moron.  You seriously don't see anything wrong with what you just said?"  And then, I read others who actually support/justify what they did and on the surface it seems like a MIL rally against DILs everywhere and reminds me of my MIL and her "pool of ignorant sympathizers."  We can all see "glimpses," even parrallels of our own situations in the postings of others.  The underlying "theme" is the same, but our situations are all very different.   

Not all MILs (or DILs) are like that, the good ones will encourage thought, wisdom, and understanding.  The bad ones....well, you'll know them.  We know too.  But who are we to publicly embarrass them?  I've too felt "attacked" here, but then again I have to realize that I am strong by nature (aka Captain Call Out), I am very firm and there are very few "gray" areas for me.  And I come off that way in my writing too, so I hear.  I open myself up for it by being steadfast, I realize that.     

I've said this before, but I don't think you'll see the really really bad apples here.  Those MILs & DILs are too busy keeping the pot stirred elsewhere to be concerned with finding encouragement and answers, they're way too busy seeking revenge.  We have no rights here to say who is right or who is wrong, although every single one of us try to do that from time to time.  All we can really do is encourage "hope" in those who come here looking for answers.                     

Rose

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2010, 03:12:06 PM »
Thank you for all the responses.  I reread my post and I would like to say I have calmed down, I am sorry for my extreme reaction.  I am happy for Erma.  Miss_Priss I loved your post.   I would love to print it as it expresses my feelings so much better then I ever could. There were other posters that also made me feel welcome here and I thank you all.  I have been reading many posts and admiring many of you for truely being wise women, even those I don't agree with.   LOL

I will be posting as I do hope to learn from all of you.  As I don't get answers or explanations from my MIL I would hope to run across someone who has an idea of how she thinks and hopefully help me to understand her.

Thank you,

Rose

cdb

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2010, 07:10:20 PM »
My take on all of this is that I post here to help me heal. I read replies and posts to help me learn. I cannot change the past as a DIL or  MIL or boyfriendInLAW, but I am trying hard to work on me so I can be a better person in all areas of my life and get rid of the resentments, hurts and just anger in me. cdb

Offline Nana

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2010, 09:10:40 PM »
Cdb

You are right.  We cannot change what we did or how we were before.  But as long as we are willing to makes changes and become better human beings, it is what counts.  We all have the right to change and have another chance in life.  If we dont get that chance, we will at least have peace of mind that we tried to mend all our wrong-doings. 

May God bless you .....and help you become a better person.

I always try to be a better person, I may slip.....but then next day, I try again....and it is a continuous process.  We do change little by little with a great effort and willingness.


Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

cremebrulee

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2010, 04:39:11 AM »
I'm here to learn as well, and to gain strength...to try and heal and forgive myself for the horrible things I said about my DIL when I was hurt and angry.

I know many here wonder why I'm here if DIL and I resolved our differences...I'm here, b/c the DIL's are here and give they're perspectives...it helps me understand, how my DIL may feel.

I'm also here b/c they live far away...and I rarely get to see them, once a year if that....I don't call them, I let them call me....my DIL does not like to be smothered...and I want to respect her wishes...and hope that someday, our relationship gains more ground...we are now, only in the early stages of making things right.
It took years to unravel the relationship and it's going to take years to mend it...

It really un nerves me and frustrates and hurts when ya'll complain about not having your GC when you see them way more then I do, and I wonder, how some of you would get thru not seeing them, one year or two years at a time?  I'm not attacking anyone, but reminding you, that it could be worse...a lot worse...and I'm also, looking for support and strength to get thru those times of missing them by reading your posts and trying to be thankful for what I do have.

Don't want to whine and complain about what I don't have, but more so wish to work with the tools that are already there to better the situation...holding onto self pity and complaining all the time about things, never worked for me, I want to address it, and get on with it...anything less then that seems like a waste of time...precious time...

I'm very sorry to all the members here, that they've had to experience what they have...and hope, that together we can all reinforce each other, and give each other the strength we need to do what we have to do...

You are all very significant and important in this forum...we need each other

and wish to thank you all for your participation, posts, feelings on issues, and stamina...support, patience, and a willingness to try...believe me, I understand, I'm no picnic...and am very straight forward not seeing the  gray areas perhaps as much as I should....

thats what I feel any way...

Creme

« Last Edit: October 16, 2010, 04:41:07 AM by cremebrulee »

barelythere

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2010, 07:33:21 AM »
I'm here to learn as well, and to gain strength...to try and heal and forgive myself for the horrible things I said about my DIL when I was hurt and angry.

I know many here wonder why I'm here if DIL and I resolved our differences...I'm here, b/c the DIL's are here and give they're perspectives...it helps me understand, how my DIL may feel.

I'm also here b/c they live far away...and I rarely get to see them, once a year if that....I don't call them, I let them call me....my DIL does not like to be smothered...and I want to respect her wishes...and hope that someday, our relationship gains more ground...we are now, only in the early stages of making things right.
It took years to unravel the relationship and it's going to take years to mend it...

It really un nerves me and frustrates and hurts when ya'll complain about not having your GC when you see them way more then I do, and I wonder, how some of you would get thru not seeing them, one year or two years at a time?  I'm not attacking anyone, but reminding you, that it could be worse...a lot worse...and I'm also, looking for support and strength to get thru those times of missing them by reading your posts and trying to be thankful for what I do have.

Don't want to whine and complain about what I don't have, but more so wish to work with the tools that are already there to better the situation...holding onto self pity and complaining all the time about things, never worked for me, I want to address it, and get on with it...anything less then that seems like a waste of time...precious time...

I'm very sorry to all the members here, that they've had to experience what they have...and hope, that together we can all reinforce each other, and give each other the strength we need to do what we have to do...

You are all very significant and important in this forum...we need each other

and wish to thank you all for your participation, posts, feelings on issues, and stamina...support, patience, and a willingness to try...believe me, I understand, I'm no picnic...and am very straight forward not seeing the  gray areas perhaps as much as I should....

thats what I feel any way...

Creme

Dear Creme,
You are so right.  We absolutely need each other.   :)

Offline jill

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #13 on: October 16, 2010, 08:22:41 AM »
Hi Creme,
I love reading your posts and find comfort and strength in your advice.

cremebrulee

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Re: A learning experience
« Reply #14 on: October 16, 2010, 09:14:43 AM »
BT,  yes we do need each other, we're all in the same boat...some days are great, others are not....