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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« Last post by kate123 on October 04, 2017, 07:22:39 PM »
to Still Learning: no, I am no great MIL. I do not even know whether my DIL even likes me. In fact I rarely see any of them with their busy lives and such. But I would like my son to be respectful of women, my DIL and myself included. I never ask about their relationship and he never speaks of it one way or the other, it is personal and between them. But if I am faced with seeing something, I will speak up with advice. Now if she did something to him in front of me I would probably be less inclined to say something because she is not my daughter. But I have never seen my DIL be disrespectful or mean to my son (thank goodness). When my son brings up anything private, like something about her parents, I do try my best to give an answer or advice that I would give anyone with the same problem, and try not to say anything that might later come back on me for causing a problem. Yes there are things I see that I may not agree with in their lives. And if my DIL asked for my advice, or complains about something, I would talk to my son about it if I see that he is in the wrong. Sometimes the AC do need some help, and they can benefit from our experience rather than fuddle through making the same mistakes of past generations and taking years to learn, IMO. Thanks all for listening and allowing me to vent a bit here.
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« Last post by kate123 on October 04, 2017, 06:24:39 PM »
I can see that I am not understood here, and I understand completely because you are not here in my shoes, and are basing what I have said on your own experiences with DIL's who complain.
Women often keep their situation and feelings to themselves for this exact reason. When women are in an abusive situation and cry out, some will say 'it's is partly your fault' or 'you drove him to it' or 'you asked for it'.
And as for parenting- this is a job of a lifetime. You do not stand by why your children (of any age) do something that is not acceptable-lawfully, morally, or just otherwise inconsiderate- without saying anything. You do not walk on eggshells in fear they will not like what you say. Once I heard my son talk to my DIL in such a way that I was embarrassed for her. And I did speak up and told him he had no right to talk to her that way no matter what she does (and to my remembrance, she really did absolutely nothing, he was just in a mood). I see that as abusive and would/will not stand by and let it happen. I did not yell or scold him as a child, I just said it as a matter of fact.
My BF is just inconsiderate most of the time. Period. I make less money than him but pay 3/4 of the bills. I cook, I clean, I buy groceries. Why?? I don't know. But now I've become his maid as well and all for what, so I can get screamed at if I dare say something about the clothes on the floor or some other thing. I do not think his mother knows how things are financially, and she thinks he is doing everything for me. When the reality is that I am supporting him because of his past financial problems (that were before me). It is just very hard to listen about how wonderful he is when his share of the expenses are a month late and I am left with ALL the bills. Like I said, I only slip now and then and it is not intentional. As for now I have sent him to stay elsewhere. Whether we stay together is something I need to think seriously about. I am not spending my final years being a mother to him. And sorry but I disagree with you ladies, a parent is always a parent. No I am not going to tell my son he needs to drink more milk, but I will certainly say something if he were to drink and drive or anything else where he might hurt someone else in any way. Maybe someone should listen to the DIL complaints (as mentioned in responses). It could be a cry for help. Looking at your sons through rose colored glasses will not be helpful to either son or DIL. Just sayin'.  ;)
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: I Wish I knew "when enough is enough"
« Last post by jdtm on October 04, 2017, 02:53:50 PM »
You're right - it is time to let go.  My gut tells me something is very wrong, but my head knows there is nothing that I can do about it.   All I can do is pray for her safety.  I really believe the reason she is not contacting me is that she does not want us to know "what she has done or is doing".
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Whether your granddaughter has you blocked, or is getting your messages and ignoring you.....it appears that she has made a choice. Actions always tell us what we need to know. For me personally, even though giving up was hard, it was much harder to continue pursuing something that was obviously important to only me. I no longer try to involve myself with people that don't appreciate me and don't value me as a person. Backing away gave me the chance to heal, and with healing I gained different perspectives. Also, I think doing things differently and throwing people a curve ball once in awhile is a good thing to do. For me, I feel much more at peace this way.
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: I Wish I knew "when enough is enough"
« Last post by jdtm on October 03, 2017, 12:28:46 PM »
Thank you for the responses.  Mummy bear - you are right - I am so tired (and another death in the family - just returned from the funeral), is not making things easier.   I do think that our granddaughter might be depressed but I hesitate to question our grandson - he has suffered so much in the past that I want him to relax when he is with us ((knowing that we won't be dealing with difficulties, just mundane and happy thoughts).  And Marina - I do hope our granddaughter is busy with her new job (unfortunately she never seems to last too long at employment situations).  Her mother acted this way - she would assume one committed some "negative" (usually non-existant) act - disappear from your life for a few months or even years,  and then....  But, her mother is a survivor and that does give some comfort.  However, this behaviour is so foreign to me - it is just so hard.
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: I Wish I knew "when enough is enough"
« Last post by Marina on October 02, 2017, 10:17:55 PM »
jdtm,
It sounds like you are missing your GD and starting to worry.  GD may just be very busy/preoccupied because she is trying to make her way into adulthood and its responsibilities, which is normal at her age.  But I also understand you have concerns about her mental health.  Instead of handing a gift or card to your DS to give to her, could your GD's upcoming birthday give you an opportunity to celebrate the occasion in person with her?  Is there some activity or gift that would entice her to make contact with you?

Getting no response from a good friend or my DS drives me crazy, too.  Something that seems to work is asking:  "Are you okay?" or "Just want to know you're okay."  I usually get a response to that, albeit a short one usually with an apology or explanation.  Then I can be more patient waiting to hear from them. 

Although it would be nice to get some reassurance your GD is doing well, you may need to make peace with the situation for the time being if she isn't willing to communicate.  Hopefully, GD has others in her life whom she can turn to for support if she needs it.  If you had a fairly good relationship with GD in the past, you can hopefully build on that in the future, when GD is ready.

Hang in there.   :-*   
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: I Wish I knew "when enough is enough"
« Last post by Mummybear on October 02, 2017, 02:28:49 PM »
I am so very sorry you are going through this jdtm. It's a horrible position to be in. You love your grandkids so much that I don't think you would really want to give up. You're tired and have obviously had so much to deal with. It's awful you can't ask anyone, the walking on eggshells feeling that everyone on here has probably experienced at some point. You seem to have a lovely relationship with your gs, could he not shed some light on what's happening? If you're still connected on Facebook that's good. Perhaps your gd is depressed and doesn't realize how much she is hurting you. I'm sorry I can't help more and I hope things improve. Xx
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / I Wish I knew "when enough is enough"
« Last post by jdtm on October 02, 2017, 06:33:14 AM »
I love my grandchildren dearly.  Our grandson is in college - I try to message him every few weeks - he replies within 24 hours or less.  Our granddaughter is older and in the workforce - she rarely replies to any messages or emails.  She also has mental health issues and drug issues (according to her father is still "clean").  I try to support her by contacting her a couple of times a month by sending her newsy but mundane family stuff by computer.  But she has not replied in three months.  She does come home and that is a good sign.  I am beginning to wonder if something is very very wrong - I cannot stir the pot by asking anyone (I am always accused of interfering and the relationship with our son is tenuous at best, unless, of course, gifts and money are involved), but I am so sad.  I have changed my longer e-mails to short text messages (don't have her telephone number or address) - honestly, I think that I am being blocked and she does not receive my messages.  So, do I continue trying to be supportive (if she is on drugs or severely depressed this would be important) or do I just give up.  This behaviour started after she finished college and is trying to live on her own - she did ask if she could stop in for a visit three months ago and, unfortunately, we had plans for that week-end.  She has not contacted me since and is in our area once or twice a month.  Her birthday is coming - the usual money gift which I could leave with her father, or just a card or maybe an e-mail card - I still am on Facebook with her.  I am just so tired of this ....
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At my wits end
« Last post by luise.volta on October 02, 2017, 06:23:38 AM »
That's what were here for, M. We all have our good days as well as the other kind since there is no such thing as perfection. When the next Newbie arrives you will be here to greet her. And, yes, we're all Newbies when something new hits us...or even something old, disguised as new. Hugs...
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At my wits end
« Last post by Mummybear on October 02, 2017, 02:06:36 AM »
Hi Stillearning Thanks for your comments. I don't know if I do have a good handle on it really but I'm trying lol. I feel stronger because of this website Ds has texted me, only very short but it made me feel like he still must care. Thank you for being here for me and thank you Luise you have a wonderful team. Xxx
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