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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Mostly lurking at this point.
« Last post by pjprimrose on November 27, 2017, 07:23:34 PM »
I'm new to this forum and looking for support dealing with difficult DS and even more difficult DIL. I have a back ground in 12 step (family and friends of...) that I attended for a long time to deal with a difficult situation growing up. My parents are gone now. I'm mostly here to get support and encouragement to stick to my resolve not to be pulled into an unhealthy relationship,  which is rather easy to do! I've been lurking and believe this is what I need to stay focused on my post-mommy career plans, restoring my old home and allowing myself to stay in peace while dealing with two close relationships that seem to revel in chaos for some reason. Your stories/advice have been helpful. PJ
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Should I speak up?
« Last post by luise.volta on November 27, 2017, 11:22:16 AM »
I think the hardest thing for me to learn was that it was "none of my business"! And to convey that information to my 'adult' son. What was going on with him was 'my business' for so long and he was used to asking for my counsel that it wasn't easy or even natural for either of us. I had to tell him that along with leaving home was leaving the kind of interactions that worked for us in the parent/child context. He wasn't ready or even able to make wise choices at first. The point was for him to choose and then learn from the consequences...or not. When his sons left home, he did the same thing and thanked me for the 'tough love'. They are now grown and my 23 year-old great granddaughter is on the same track. They have all become outstanding adults...but maybe that has nothing to do with any of the above. Who knows? Hugs...
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I agree with you Luise.Parents Do matter.If the family appreciate you then spoil yourselves.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Should I speak up?
« Last post by nikncon on November 27, 2017, 11:08:03 AM »
Dear Bamboo.I would keep my mouth shut.You can never erase what you say or write especially on social media.If she asks for your opinion try to change the path of the talk as to really make her think about her choices.I’ve learned this from Luise and the ladies on WWU.You didn’t mention how old DD is.Good luck.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My son is making me feel guilty
« Last post by nikncon on November 27, 2017, 11:00:14 AM »
Thanks Luise.In Canada it would be a miracle to find restaurant open on Christmas Day.That’s the reason thvat I’m cooking.Oh well!! I’m looking for a recipe to cook the turkey the day before.Hubby Can carve it and I ll take the stuffing out of it and wrap in foil pan.I’ll make meat pies a few days before.Salad and gravy can be made at his condo as the mashed potatoes.Do I sound excited?? Well I am. :)
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My son is making me feel guilty
« Last post by luise.volta on November 27, 2017, 08:22:40 AM »
What great news! I would ask him if he would enjoy being your guest at a local restaurant for your Christmas Day Dinner? First, I'd get on the Internet to see what was open close to him...to be able to offer a suggestion or two. Then everyone would get to relax and have a good time. Hugs...
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My son is making me feel guilty
« Last post by nikncon on November 27, 2017, 07:56:13 AM »
I received another email from DS.He said that we were welcome to spend Christmas with him at his condo.It’s going to be a lot of work for me.I’m bringing the meal. Lol Anyone cook their turkey on Christmas Eve??? I have never done this but going to his place an hour away,bringing dinner and all the trimmings.I’ll be tired before we get there.I do want to spend the day with him and it’s his first invitation since DS doesn’t usually celebrate Christmas.Any suggestions? We have a big house which will be all decorated.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Should I speak up?
« Last post by Bamboo2 on November 26, 2017, 10:57:52 PM »
I appreciate your sharing about your DS and your niece.  It takes time to see how a relationship will go, and so much depends on the motivation and persistence of the two partners.  Your niece and her husband seemed to have it.  Your son has exhibited it up to this point, and he is probably seeing some things about DIL differently than he did in the past.  The other thing is he is seeing how she interacts with their young children as their mother, which he probably never could have predicted before they became parents.  I can just imagine how hard it is for you to come off sounding neutral when he shares his insights with you.  Good job!  I'll bet he doesn't really have others to confide in about this situation, certainly not anyone else who knows everyone involved like you and your DH do.  You're in a unique position to offer a safe place for him to express himself.

My DD's BF called me on Thanksgiving to wish me and my family a happy day, and called again today to say he and DD were safely in the city they drove to overnight for his relative's funeral.  He told me when they would be driving back, planned a day to come visit us, and asked me if he could take her on a driving trip to visit other family members next month.  It was sweet.  Seems like he is trying hard to make her happy and connect with his and our families. 
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Should I speak up?
« Last post by Stilllearning on November 26, 2017, 01:52:59 PM »
Sorry Bamboo2!  I did not mean that she just needs to accept flaws, especially flaws like you describe.  I stress to my DS that he cannot expect his wife to change for him.  Most people who are forced into a change they do not want to make (like stop drinking) will either relapse repeatedly (but honey I love you and I will never do it again!) or resent the heck out of you for forcing them to give up something they enjoyed.  That is where the acceptance is vital.  "If you cannot do that then the relationship is....well......doomed."  So if the behavior is unacceptable now, during the wonderful start of a relationship then the writing is on the wall. 

Trying to stay quiet and still available to your DD is vital!  Congrats on just listening!!  My DS has started mentioning things that my DIL does that he cannot live with and I struggle all the time with not standing up and cheering!  It takes a tremendous amount of restraint to tell him that I hope it works out but I want for him to be happy.  I am surprised that I haven't choked!! 

Also, I have a niece who was sure that she and her DH were on the skids and she said things that made me want to punch him(seriously!).  I somehow managed to keep my mouth shut (a miracle actually) and they worked through their rough spots and are going strong 5 years later.  When we are angry at someone we say things to get the people we are talking to on our side and sometimes we regret what we said later.  Maybe things are not as dire as your DD made them sound.  I hope that is the case!!

Trusting our children's judgement is the hardest part of this time in life.  Good luck!!
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Should I speak up?
« Last post by Bamboo2 on November 26, 2017, 11:15:20 AM »
Thanks, StillLearning.  There are issues that I think would best be handled that way, such as how they each spend/save money or how many hours they each work.  But what about drinking too much and getting into fights?  I don't want to give her the message that she just has to accept that (actually, when she relayed an incident recently, I just listened - I'm pretty proud of myself).  Her last relationship had issues when ex-BF drank too much and became abusive, so I thought she'd have her eyes wide open regarding alcohol use this time around.  Sigh....  Maybe this is a rebound relationship and it will take a few more to really learn the lesson. 

Also it seems I have to practice detaching from her relationship drama. I was optimistic about this guy so it's been a disappointment to hear of DD's recently expressed concerns.

More practice ....  :-\
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