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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Why is there a difference??
« Last post by luise.volta on October 29, 2014, 09:05:16 AM »
Welcome, J. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are are a monitored Website.

I have modified your first post because we are into sharing and caring through our own personal experience. This isn't a discussion and debate site. As, SL wrote, let us know how we can help.
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Why is there a difference??
« Last post by Stilllearning on October 29, 2014, 03:41:34 AM »
 Can we help?
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Why is there a difference??
« Last post by Justus on October 28, 2014, 06:04:48 PM »

So far, I have been lucky where my children and their SOs are concerned, but on the IL and parent end, not so much. They have taught me the don'ts of being the parent of adult children.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My daughter doesn't want me around for Christmas
« Last post by Pooh on October 27, 2014, 09:35:30 AM »
Welcome F.  I will say honestly, that you are a better person than I am.  After the way she treated you, in your own home after helping them, I wouldn't even be trying to go visit.  That's just me.  The drugs, the lying, the sneaking off.....that would have been a last straw for me as far as going to her.  She needs to grow up, and until...or if she ever does, I'm afraid she's going to continue to use you.  Take back your life.
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Welcome, F. We ask new members to go to our Home Page and under Read Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

To me, he circumstances you describe boil down to whether you want to spend your life weeping for good reason...or create the self respect to let it all go and have the life you deserve.

My take is it's never going to make sense and I don't see any evidence that you did anything wrong. It sounds like you daughter, just like my son, is having a hard time entering adulthood and learning to be responsible. Her solution is to make it all your fault while using and abusing you.

You are at choice, as I was. It's continue the relationship as it stands, on her terms, or move on.  No one but you can make that choice. There's no fixing it. It is how it is and either you go along with it or you don't.

I chose to accept that my son had the right, as an adult (responsible or not), to live his life the way he wanted to. I had absolutely no say in the matter. I also chose to not let him drag me down with him or teach my grandchildren, by example, that abusing others was OK. Hugs...
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Hi, I am new to this but so glad I found it. I have been hurting so much and can't stop crying. I got remarried 5 yrs ago after being in an abusive marriage. My daughter was grad. from High School and I didn't want to move away from her but she told me to go that she is grown and his boys needed me. Now, she is telling me I abandoned her, I was a horrible mother and she had to raise herself. None of it is true my life was my kids. Long story short. 2 years ago she called me crying her and her bf was being evicted and they had no where to. I just started a new job and wasn't suppose to take off for 90 days but talked to my manager and was able to go. Used my rent to go get her and her bf. My husband talked to them and said after they start working they would need to pay $300 month that covered rent, utilities and food. Then save money to get a car and to be able to move out once they where on their feet. I got her a bf a job where I was working. At first it was good but then when they started getting money they would blow it on expensive electronics. The just went out and got a car with almost $400 car pmts. Started stealing the Step kids med's that was for there ADHD and causing trouble between everyone. Soon my husband and daughter was getting into and I was trying to get everyone to get alone. Then my AD was telling me I was taking his side. Not true I wasn't taken anyones side. So after a few  months my husband ask if they were going to start paying rent and we got we will pay next pay check by now my AD wasn't talking to me and ignoring me. I ask her and him what I did for her to be mad at me and wouldn't get a straight answer. Then I came home from work one day and they where gone. I found out she had done this to other family members on her dad's side and couldn't believe it. I didn't raise her to use people and be hateful. When we went in to clean up the downstairs it was horrible they had a big dog the let use one of the rooms for a bathroom and the carpets was ruined. Found drug stuff and achoho bottles everywhere. She still to this day denies it. I didn't here from my AD for almost a year and I cried daily and tried to figure out what I done wrong. Then one day I get a call and she is crying and telling me she is pregnant and it is her bf baby and they are breaking up. Skipping ahead.... She was having a baby shower and I told her I would like to go and she said ok so was even planning the game. A friend and I drove 18 hours down for a baby shower that I ended up doing all myself and paying for and that was fine I was going to be able to spend time with my AD. Things seemed to have gone well. Two weeks later she is having the baby and I wanted to be with her and she told me no she didnt want me there. I was hurt but didn't want to push the issue b/c I didn't want to close me out again. So a month after the baby was born. My husband, 8 yr old SS and myself went down to see the baby. My husband didn't bring anything up or be disrespectable because of me. She spent very little time with me especially if her new bf was there they would stay shut up in there room. We were only there 3 days on the  morning of the last day she wouldn't talk to me or let me have anything to do with the baby. I was so heartbroken. I left crying all the way home. Once again I didn't know what I done wrong. Her dad and his GF goes down a few weeks after me and she is posting how excited she is and everything they done. Now Christmas is coming and I call tell her we would like to come for Christmas and she told me no there wouldn't be enough room because my DL and other GC is going to be there and I tell her we don't have to stay the night I would love to see both GK's for Christmas (my DIL and AS live in a diff. state and he is on deployment). She tells me no. That was a week ago and I can't stop crying and I don't understand what I have done. I have tried to be there for her I want to be involved. Her daughter hasn't been there since our divorce and only seen her a couple of times since she was 13yrs old. But I am the bad, evil one who cares nothing about her. A close friend messaged her to let her know how much I was hurting and she said that when I went up there I wanted nothing to do with her just my friends and she has to walk on egg shells. I ask my friend if she saw anything I done to make her feel like that and she said not at all. None of it makes any sense. I feel so heartbroken and just want to see her and my
GK. I'm scared to say anything because she might take me off facebook and I want even get pictures of my grandbaby. My DL said her and my GB would love to see me. Please any advice would help. Just want to stop crying.  Thanks so much for listening.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Getting off the roller coaster
« Last post by luise.volta on October 24, 2014, 11:52:02 AM »
P - I have been where I have had to let go and get that OS was an adult and my job was done. Not my love for him and my caring but my involvement and direction in his life. He had the right to choose. Like many here, I had expectations of how we would relate after he reached adulthood. However, he took the stand that I was the cause of every problem that came his way and I always would be. I'm pretty sure my letting go didn't affect him...he has his story and he's sticking to it. But it did give me my own life back. It didn't happen overnight and I tried again several times before I succeeded in establishing my own boundaries. I was so busy respecting his that I gave no thought to my own for years. Now, I have balance back in my life, P; interests rekindled, new friendships and yes,even new hobbies. It was up to me to get I deserved peace and joy and that I was the only one who was going to provide it. Hang in there and hugs...
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Getting off the roller coaster
« Last post by Pooh on October 24, 2014, 11:13:43 AM »
Welcome P.  It sounds like you are starting to take yourself off the roller coaster and good for you!  I also applaud you for saying no to her about so-signing.  It's always amazing to me that people think they can be so mean to other people but then ask for a favor. 

I'm sorry about your health issues.  My brother has Sarcoidosis and I'm now throwing the ACE enzyme which is indicative of it too.  So far, no lung involvement, but they think I am growing them elsewhere.  Time will tell. 

Take care of yourself.  I truly know how much sicker you can become with stress.  It was one of the reasons I finally let go of my relationship with my OS.  Worrying about it all the time was just making me sicker.  Take your life back.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Getting off the roller coaster
« Last post by luise.volta on October 23, 2014, 08:02:11 PM »
P - In attempting to remove two of your three duplicates posts...I have removed the response that I made and your follow up. I apologize.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My 32 yr old son
« Last post by luise.volta on October 23, 2014, 06:57:44 PM »
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our Home Page and under Read Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be see WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website. You violated our position on foul language and swearing. It is my Website and since I can find no place to draw the line, I require that no substitutes be given. If we can figure out what you mean...it's the same thing as writing it. I modified your post, as you will see, in the hopes that after you read those posts you will understand and comply.

My take on your situation is that there is absolutely nothing you can do regarding the attitude your son has presented. At least in my own life, that was the case. My son took exception to me, decided I was the wicked witch of the west and acted accordingly. My take is that he was the one off base but I didn't get to vote. My expectations made it terribly hard to remove myself from his life but my self respect required it. There was no reality, fairness or understanding. I deserve all three. As a result, I have honored his decisions as an adult and gone my own way.

I know there are other ways to address such things...but I didn't feel there was an open door or an interest on his part to meet me half way. His choice as an adult, I know. And my life is now greatly improved without that kind of cruelty in it.
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