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Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« Last post by Bamboo2 on September 18, 2017, 03:15:53 PM »
I couldn't see the link until I logged in, so for anyone who hasn't logged in and can't see what kate123 linked, here it is:

At youngest we're most pure.
At oldest most experienced.
But at both we're the softest at heart.
Maybe that's why those ages get along the most.
It's somewhere in the middle we lose ourselves.

Very profound!
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« Last post by kate123 on September 18, 2017, 02:56:12 PM »
Thank you SL!
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« Last post by Stilllearning on September 18, 2017, 11:23:20 AM »
Wow!  What an eye opener!  I have never seen it before and I do think it is so true.  Thanks for sharing.....and if I click on the link it opens the picture large enough to read it.  I think you did great!!  Hugs!

Oh and I edited it for you   :)
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« Last post by kate123 on September 18, 2017, 08:38:23 AM »
Here is the larger text ...sorry I am not more savvy with this computer!!
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« Last post by kate123 on September 18, 2017, 08:19:13 AM »
Here is some reality!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Two years later...
« Last post by kate123 on September 18, 2017, 07:30:21 AM »
very well said Luise! Life is a journey, and not always an easy one.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: I don't know why my adult daughter hates me!
« Last post by kate123 on September 18, 2017, 07:24:28 AM »
Suz, who knows?? Many here ask themselves the same questions. My main question is, what do they, or did they, expect? These days expectations are limitless. Maybe too much of TV nonsense and all the feel good psychobabble put things in their head. All of this parental abuse (and I mean us, not them) is very wide spread. This tells me that the problem is coming from outside the family, not inside. One thing that I have seen over and over is that the worst mothers get the most attention and help from their adult children. So if we had been drug addicts or alcoholics there is a better chance our kids would not ignore us.
I wake up almost every morning thinking that I will write my AC a letter and put all my feelings out there. But once I get up I realize it would fall on deaf ears because I am totally at fault for everything and anything in their eyes and there is no convincing them otherwise. I was a very good mother. I know that in my heart and at this point that is all that matters. If they choose to make things up so that they do not have to have me in their life (for whatever reason) then that is on them- their choice. There is more to life, and I am going to enjoy all the other possibilities and just not focus on what I do not have. That is all you can do. Best wishes :)
Welcome, Jennifer9!  I have nothing to add to the wise words above, but just wanted to say we have been there and know that life can and does get better with time and the intentional act of accepting the way things are, facing a different direction, and choosing to be with people who respect and cherish you.  Virtual hugs!
Welcome, Jennifer9. I have had the experience, too, of having my focus be about a situation I couldn't do anything about. In the end, that became my life and took all of my energy. I had very simple expectations and it took me way to long to get that they were of no interest to my son and daughter in law. In an attempt to stay connected to my grandchildren, I submitted to verbal abuse and cruel treatment. I had to have some counseling to learn that by staying in that pathology, I was teaching my grandchildren that mistreatment of elders was acceptable behavior. It took a while before I was able to let go of my expectations and totally remove myself from the 'game'. I wanted to stay in a relationship with my grandsons at all cost, so my dreams of resolution kept me hooked. In counseling I learned that I had the right to make the choice to continue, if I could gracefully accept what it was costing me and find a way to function in a healthy and joyful way. I couldn't. Eventually, I totally removed myself from all of it without anger, just honestly stating that I couldn't remain in contact.

Now my grandsons are grown. One is aloof. However the other one has established a wonderful relationship with me and has thanked me many times for my sacrifice. He is the eldest and could see that things were better at home after the battles ceased. Hugs...

Welcome,J. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.  Also you might want to pick a user name that is less identifiable. 

My DIL treated me badly and talked my DS into all kinds of things until I stood up for myself.  I just got to the point where being around my DS was no longer pleasant and I wondered why I kept trying so hard to do something that I did not enjoy.  I never had that big blow up or said anything in particular about it I just pulled back.  I stopped being available for things.  It was surprising to me how her attitude to me changed when I stopped trying to make the relationship work and started focusing on making my life happy even if I did not get to see my DS and grands.  The other thing you need to consider is that you are letting your grands see the way that they are treating you and teaching them that it is OK to treat people that way.  I know it is hard, especially for you because of the CPS issue, but continuing to help might be considered enabling. 

As I have heard over and over on this site we raised our children and we did the best we could at the time.  Our children still have lessons to learn from life and it is difficult for us to stand by and let them learn their lessons for themselves, but once you are an adult if you won't listen to advice the school of hard knocks is the unavoidable alternative.

I found that the best way for me to stop trying to make things right with my DS was to start focusing on the things I like to do.  Every time my mind wandered to the issues I had with my DS/DIL (I call it the abyss because it swallows up all the enjoyment in my life) I would tell myself "What you focus on expands" and start planning my next camping trip.  The more often I shifted my thoughts the easier it got and now I rarely visit the abyss.  I still wish that I had a better relationship with my DS but it is what it is and my attempting to improve it only hurts matters.

I am sure that you will get other replies and perhaps several points of view.  The beauty of this site is that you can take what you want and leave the rest.  We are here for you, you are not alone.  You deserve to enjoy your life.  Hugs!!!
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