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How wise you have been to this point! Listening and being without opinion, comment or advice is high road. That's the best role model you can be in my view. They have lessons to learn as they mature.
I might say "Sometimes the more you stir a pot, the worse it stinks."  And then tell her that you have complete confidence that she and her DH will handle the situation the best way possible.  Then step back and watch from a distance.  Good luck to all of you!
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Need advice: My D is the DIL
« Last post by shiny on Today at 12:47:20 PM »

For me personally, would say:

 "This is your issue to work out with your husband."

Leave off the part about your 'opinion doesn't matter' because that goes without saying ...

Even if you 'gently' advised her as you stated, your name could come up in future conversations with the others, that Mamma said, blah, blah.
Not good.

It's been hard lesson for me to learn to stay out of my AC's decisions, and once I 'got it' it's actually been quite liberating without all their drama and worry that goes along with it.
Frankly, I've had enough of that to last for a lifetime.

I'm not fully 'there' yet, so please don't think I'm perfect -- I'm not.
But I do try -- h.a.r.d.
Want to enjoy the rest of my days with peace and contentment!
Hopefully, some others will chime in, too ...
It is helpful to hear different viewpoints.
Thank you Shiny.  I always welcome others perspectives because sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees....   My "let's fix this" mode kicked in again...  lol    I won't utter a word. 

Let me ask you this:  If my daughter brings it up again when I see her and wants my advice, do you feel it would be okay to gently give my advice?  or should I say:  "This is your issue to work out with your husband.  My opinion does not matter." 

Thanks for your input. It is appreciated.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Need advice: My D is the DIL
« Last post by shiny on Today at 08:23:25 AM »

I agree with you -- there's lots of helpful folks here! They've greatly inspired me, too ...

Hope this doesn't come across as harsh or blunt.
But, after reading your post, my first thought is "stay out of it."

You said you have NO desire to get in the middle of the drama, yet you want to gently advise your daughter.
My view is that you can't do both.
It could get pretty ugly, and I, personally, would run from it.
They are adults and can handle their own messes.

I often have to remind myself, 'zip it' and MYOB in regards to my DS and DIL's choices.
It's been working good that way, too.

Hope they can all come to their senses and forgive their offenses.
Life is too short for such nonsense!
I am convinced there is no wiser place for advice and guidance than WWU....

My daughter & her husband gave birth to their first child this year.  They set boundaries when their child was born which I respected but was surprised to see....   they wanted a week alone (no hospital visits, no nothing) before ANY one came to see the baby.  (Back in the day my house was Grand Central Station for two months - company every single day.  lol)  I accepted their boundaries but also told my daughter this was unusual.  She was very okay about my sharing my opinion.  It hasn't been brought up since then.

However, the other set of grandparents are still struggling with their son and my daughter's decision months later.  They still bring it up.  My son in law has tried to get them to "agree to disagree" but it's not working. This past week, his father posted something ugly on FB about the situation.  My daughter, in reaction to her husband's being upset with the FB post, texted her mother in law "your husband just posted something totally inappropriate on FB."

I think my daughter overstepped boundaries by sending that text to her mother in law.  I think her husband should have been the one to send the text and my daughter should just butt out.

My daughter called me yesterday and told me about all about how this played out.  They (my daughter & husband) have decided they are not seeing his parents for any holidays based on the nastiness her father in law posted on FB and the nastiness he texted to his son.  (It was pretty bad; I will say that....)  I fell silent & didn't offer any opinion because I don't like having these conversations over the phone.  I'm old fashioned and like face to face.  :)   

I will be seeing my daughter in one week and I would like to tell her I think she should have let her husband text his mother and that my daughter should have stayed out of the situation. 

Do you ladies agree?  If you can offer any advice/perspective I certainly would appreciate it.  Please know I have NO desire to get in the middle of this drama -- I simply want to gently advise my daughter.

As always, thank you!!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Heading toward estrangement?
« Last post by luise.volta on October 02, 2015, 01:44:38 PM »
My take is the ball is in her court...hold that line...and have a life. Just saying...
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Heading toward estrangement?
« Last post by Bamboo2 on October 02, 2015, 12:59:44 PM »
Thanks for your advice, Pooh and Monroe.  I agree with the idea of waiting till the holidays and extending an invite.  You are right, Monroe, it would be a long wait for an apology.  She would say she already gave me one, and I did hear the words "I'm sorry" couched within a lot of other excuse-like phrases that effectively nullified it.  It wasn't the type of apology that I have modeled to her on numerous occasions, and that she has given me in the past.  She knows.

I have learned here that holding too many expectations around the holidays will just bring me down, and now that she has had some holidays with BFs family, I have gotten past that.  The first year was the hardest, but it is easier each time now.  In fact, sorry to say, it is sometimes more relaxing without her there, knowing the BF drama or memories of past BF drama that sometimes accompany her.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Last post by Bamboo2 on October 02, 2015, 12:37:42 PM »
Hi Pen, this thread has been going on a really long time  :).
What a boatload of disappointment for you as you consider the holidays.  We have missed out on holidays with our DD as well, so she could be with BFs large FOO.  We started a new tradition to take away some of that pain.  We always go out of state to my family or DHs family, and two days after Christmas we go to a lovely city two hours north that DH and I both like, as well as our DS....sometimes.  (He's 17 and it could go either way :-\ ) That way we have our own special time away to look forward to.  I know your DDD is with you; maybe she would like such an adventure as well.  My thinking is that by shaking things up a bit for yourself around the holidays, you may not feel the loss as much. I have a friend whose DS spends the majority of every holiday with DILs controlling FOO. The little time carved out for my friend at holiday time was miserable because DIL would ignore the whole family and was consumed with writing holiday cards or other stress that she would pass on to everyone else. My friend finally decided to change up the holiday and offer a family celebration in October, knowing she would have the actual holidays with other snowbird friends in her retirement community.  Not perfect, but better than the former approach.  Wishing you the best, Pen  :)
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Heading toward estrangement?
« Last post by Monroe on October 02, 2015, 12:11:38 PM »
Bamboo - -

Good for you, bringing up the cold shoulder treatment from your daughter.   In my opinion, you were simply holding her accountable for bad behavior.   I think to sweep it under the rug, take her call and pretend like nothing happened, everything was fine - - just creates that elephant in the room.   By holding her accountable, and setting your boundary of what is acceptable behavior - you are sending her a positive message - tough love, maybe - but you are no longer enabling and calling it love. 

I doubt you will get an apology, and you don't really need one.   She acknowledged her bad behavior was a result of anger about the letter and not co-signing.   You sent the clear message that you will not accept that kind of treatment.   You have set your boundary.  Don't hold your breath waiting for an apology.   

What you do next is your choice.   You can extend the invitations, and see if she responds and behaves appropriately.  If so, this is all history.   But you don't tolerate such behavior in the future.   If she does behave inappropriately, you reinforce your boundary.   At some point, like Pooh, you may quit calling.   But if she respects your boundary and acts appropriately in the future, I see nothing wrong with extending some invitations.   

Best wishes. 
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