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I finally received an email from my old friend.  She is dealing with her mother who has Alttzheimers.  Nevertheless there wasn't s a word of condolence for my friend who died or a trace of concern about my foot injuries. 

I'm happy that I "put her on the shelf" and stopped waiting to hear from her which made me feel better and realized that she is more self centered than I ever imagined. 

I'll reply to her eventually but have brought down my expectations for her even lower. 

I'm not going to waste a minute thinking about her and how disappointed I am in her.  I'm moving on.  Hope to get my car on the highway in the next few days and have some plans with friends close by.

Well, I suppose this isn't productive but if you want to stir the pot up, go buy a baby soother and send it to her with a note "You forgot this when you were at my house".

Seriously, I would increase the estrangement between you and her.  Mean people are best to be in the "I would like to, but I'm very busy" category.  She upset the apple cart with here sibling and seemed to be happy she did.  I wouldn't give her another chance to do it. 

Long ago, I offered some furniture to my AD, who is not nice. She got married and we downsized and I asked her did she still want it. Cause I figured there would be Hades to pay if I didn't. So yes she did and she and her new hubby came to my town to get it. I had another AC come over for a visit while she was her. Urghhh!!! What do you do when you can't stand the behavior of your AC???? This mean, semi-estranged AD just verbally berated the sibling until the poop hit the fan. I was saying cut it out, her hubby was giggling, and the sibling left early in anger.  I told this AD she was mean but she had no shame she drove her sibling away. She was very happy. It was very upsetting and I was so mad I went to bed at 9 pm!
I am begging you to read Dr Phils Life Code before you make any decisions what to do.

Your MIL jade'ed you in that conversation for sure. Telling you you had sin, that's a BAITER thing (dr Phil) or narcissistic tactic for sure. Notice how she turned this all on you? It's all your fault, not hers-- she's trying to be nice by not accepting your boundaries! (Sarcasm) But you fell for it and it became an argument. Now hubby wants you to change.

We can only change our thinking and our attitudes, not any other adults. Doing so will change the dynamics. MIL is not going to change and having a battle for control, well we don't ever win with these people. Cause all they want is to win and they will do anything to win or control us.

Like AlAnon says, first you gotta detach with love. Don't tell yourself MIL loves you, she means well. Etc. cause she loves herself first. You don't get it cause you are a nice person. You are trying to reason or be rational with a person who will not or can not be rational or reasonable in return. Do not be her enemy but do get smarter and control your reactions. Accept her as she is and for what she is and stop beating your head against the wall to change her. Don't give your power away!

Do what you want around her and don't bend yourself into a pretzel trying to please her. Stop thinking of the future and the what ifs. If you don't want to play a board game say No! These people do what they want, and so should you!! And guess what -- she doesn't really care what you do as long as she gets the attention she wants.

I have several in laws who are narcissists and my hubby and I are lately coming to grips with just doing our own thing and holding strong to boundaries. It ain't easy but first thing we had to let go of was trying to please people who are not please-able. Or who run over us with a Mack truck doing their thing. Thanks to Life Code and counseling. And sorry if I sound not so nice, doing this on my phone.
I second that! And I might just follow that great example of putting money into projects or ventures that have a special place in our hearts, rather than saving all of it to give to AC.  I don't think it benefits most of us to get a lot of money that we haven't earned, anyway. Not saying that I don't want to leave my AC anything, but hope to spend it down to a reasonable amount by enjoying my remaining years with DH, and by contributing to or investing in causes we believe in.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Happy Mother's Day!
« Last post by Bamboo2 on May 27, 2016, 11:47:28 AM »
Toot, toot  :D

Hope everything is going well, Pen. I haven't seen you here for a while.
This is great news, TG!  Life is full of change, full of surprises, isn't it?  I'm so glad to hear of these positive recent developments in your life!  I love what you said about having shifted your focus to other kind people in your life instead of the old friend who hasn't been there for you.  What you focus on really does expand!

Get out and enjoy yourself  :D
Wow, Proverbs girl, this is a quandary.  I'm sorry for your dilemma.  I have not been through this kind of experience. The only thing I would do is intentionally limit my time with MIL and suggest that DH spend more time with her but without you.  Short, infrequent visits talking only about mundane things. Change the topic if she brings up something you don't wish to talk about.  Make an agreement with DH that you will accept no further money from her and that HE will communicate that to her. 

I remember reading something by Green Thumb about not justifying, arguing, defending or explaining (JADE) your behavior/decisions/opinions with her.  It sounds like she just may be looking for an argument and trying to bait you. The choice to take or not take the bait is yours.  If you see it for what it probably is, manipulation and control, maybe it will be easier to sidestep or ignore it.  Let her comments fall on deaf ears or change the subject, leave the room, do nothing to exacerbate the drama she is provoking.   Bland and boring responses are best.  Again, I'd limit my time with her to the extent possible.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Happy Mother's Day!
« Last post by Pen on May 26, 2016, 09:32:36 PM »
We need to honor ourselves on these days! It's hard to do at first 'cos it feels like bragging & we aren't used to tooting our own horns.  :)

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Casted 10 years still on going
« Last post by Pen on May 26, 2016, 09:27:28 PM »
Welcome to this wonderful community, Misssubaru! Please keep reading and posting. This site helped me get through my dark days and move forward. You will find your way. I still have rough times, but they don't last as long and I am better able to cope now. (((hugs)))
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