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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Still feeling guilty after all this time
« Last post by luise.volta on January 22, 2017, 01:30:35 PM »
Thank you, R. WWU means a lot to me. I will be 90 in March and love the way we all work together.   :)
Luise you are always so understanding and I appreciate your insight so much. I can tell you are a wonderful woman and I want to thank you for making this the special place that it is  :)
No Marina, it isn't because I'm afraid of doing anything rash again at all. And it isn't just now becoming an issue for me. The problem is that shortly after all this happened 7 years ago, after everything had a chance to settle down and I had a chance to absorb everything that I began to feel very guilty about it all and haven't stopped feeling guilty ever since.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Still feeling guilty after all this time
« Last post by Marina on January 22, 2017, 12:01:17 PM »
R, I wonder if this is coming up for you again at this time because DS is at the start of a new relationship, as he was with the older woman when you did what you regret.  Is it triggering you in some way?  Perhaps you are holding onto the guilt because you are afraid you might do something rash again and regret it?  It was a learning experience for you 7 years ago and you have grown from it.  You rightly apologized and DS let go of it.  DS is older and, hopefully, wiser too in his decisions.  I think it's wonderful that you have a good relationship with DS at this time. 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Still feeling guilty after all this time
« Last post by luise.volta on January 22, 2017, 10:31:00 AM »
Hi, R., my take is all of us have this. I do and I have seen it here year after year. We want to be perfect moms and there is no such thing. We want to be able to look back and get that we were always there...always wise...and we're human. For me, not accepting my humanness was something I had to grow through and out of. It was too heavy a load for me to carry and too hard on those near and dear. Sending hugs...
Hi everyone,

 I felt like writing today about something that still bothers me. I have mentioned before that my youngest became involved with a woman much older than him. At that time he was still living with me and my husband ( not his father ). This was back in 2009, he was 23 years old at the time. He met the woman at his place of employment and she was 40. Needless to say I was really upset about this. I foresaw a future for him that did not look good because I always felt the age difference was going to become a burden at some point. It turned out this was true because he divorced her over a year ago. Anyway, when he was still living with us as I said he was 23 and had a good job but had not yet transitioned into living on his own, which I was fine with until he began seeing her. But he started spending nights at her place when she would allow him to and would stay with us when she wouldn't. Sort of like using our place as a weigh station so to speak. This went on for several weeks and I was becoming more and more upset about it. So I told him to move out immediately, I didn't even allow him time to look for a new place. I really assumed he would be moving in with her right away but as it turned out he couldn't because her aunt was living there and didn't want him living with them. He told me about this but I said to him I wasn't going to allow him to live with us anymore and he ended up having to get a motel room for afew weeks until he could get an apartment. I felt at the time he needed to grow up but I didn't consider that I might end up feeling this way at some point ( guilty ).
I also said some things to him that were probably hurtful. In retrospect I feel I should've  handled things very differently than I did. I feel I should've allowed him to stay with us, at least until he could've found a place and not made him feel alienated. I can't stop feeling so terribly guilty about it all. I know it has been a long time ago ( over 7 years now ) but I still can't help feeling like this.
I have apologized to him for it long ago even though he never acted like he resented me or expressed any hurt feelings about it.  He told me that he doesn't hold any of that against me but I hold it against myself. We have, for the most part, had a good relationship, except for some mostly minor things.
I think what I am trying to say is that no matter all the good things I have done for him over the years I feel this one thing is hanging over my head and has become a part of my permanent record as Mom. And it isn't because I really feel he dwells on that but because I do. He is involved with someone new now his own age and it looks very promising. I believe they are very happy. But I haven't been able to let this go in my own head and I think of it often. I would like to move on from it but I don't know how to forgive myself for that. I just feel like I failed him. I can't really bring this up to him anymore as he assured me in the past that it doesn't matter so I am kind of on my own struggling with it. Advice, please and thank you for listening
Poems & Writings / Re: Why You Were Created
« Last post by Bamboo2 on January 21, 2017, 07:51:23 PM »
Wow, TG, you sure have led a colorful life, with a lot of gurus to share their wisdom.  Thanks for sharing these vignettes  :)
Poems & Writings / Re: Why You Were Created
« Last post by Trailblazing Girl on January 21, 2017, 03:54:26 AM »
I’ve gotten some really good advice from a lot of people over the years.

When someone stubbornly refuses to go to the hospital despite the symptoms of heart attack or stroke, don’t waste time arguing with them. Call the Paramedics, they'll arrive in a flash and they have all the specialized gear and they will bring it in, saving an eventual ride to the hospital or a less appealing destination for the potential patient.

I forget who taught me this one but it’s a keeper - “Never mess with a pig, because you both get dirty and the pig enjoys it”.

I got a piece of advice from a female friend who told me to start planning my next vacation on the plane ride home. Always have something to look forward to was her mantra.

From an older woman who calmed me down when someone was slandering me “Never worry about what fools will believe”.

From the booklet that crossed my desk produced by Federal Industries, head office in Winnipeg, Manitoba in the early 80’s - “Keep it Simple, Make it Happen”.

From my first boss in the Investment Industry whose reply was always the same when I ran into his office with a crisis of any and many, many magnitudes - “DRIVE ON”

From another older woman who used to calm me down when I was first living on straight commission with an 8 year old son in the worst markets in decades. Finding $5 to go to McDonalds wasn't easy. I knew that this was "My Only Shot", I didn't have a university education so it was guts, determination and I like to think some brains so I held on for much longer than many people (including my son) wanted me to. Keeping your desk in those markets was the goal, to survive to see the next Bull Market whenever that might be. I remember senior Management putting up little notes in the coffee room because they were selling their luxury vehicles. We could hardly afford gas. My car's gas gauge was broken so I would put in about $5 a week. One week I waited a day too long and my son and I ran out of gas just after I turned on to Wilson Avenue in Toronto just after leaving Avenue Road. It happened just as we crested on the large hill, the engine stopping and we sailed down the very high hill to the intersection at York Mills and Yonge, eventually momentum carrying us through the (Thank You God, GREEN light at the intersection), stopping right beside the pumps at the gas station on the east side of the intersection.

I remember in the first few years my boss would tell me "Take care of your clients for five years and eventually they will take care of you". Five years can be a very long time.

He would continually tell me that the day would come when I would pay in personal income taxes what I was earning then for a whole year. It seemed pretty much impossible but after about 5 years, the tide turned.

Before the tide turned, my debt levels reached almost twice my gross income while trying to pay for food, clothing and shelter, no luxuries. The DOW was BELOW 2,000 and no one believed that stocks would ever go up again in our lifetimes. Ha!!

I used to wake up in the middle of the night because I could never save a nickel and worry “How am I going to save anything for my retirement???”. This wonderfully wise woman taught me, “Pay the minimum fee every month on the credit cards, don’t lose sleep about it and don’t worry, tomorrow will take care of itself”.

From another boss/friend who I worked for many years and taught me among other things “Plan your work, work your plan”. He saw me through many a crisis including the day that he drove me up University Avenue in Toronto at about 150MPH in his Porsche because I had just gotten the news that my apartment was on fire and I begged him to get me there as fast as he could.

When my head was glued to the back of the head rest because of the speed, eventually I asked him to slow down because I didn’t want to have to go to the hospital in a car accident before I got to what was left of my new home.

I taught that boss/friend that when I walked into his office I would usually say “I have good news and I have bad news, which one ya want first?”

Oh, he would start shaking his head. (I'm chuckling at the memory)

He knew me well, and he never knew what I would do next. But then again, neither did I, but more often than not it meant that I wanted someone to “cover” my desk while I got on a plane to go somewhere with a faaabulous beach and years later to a remote location with an amazing reef in a country where English was rarely spoken.

I used to take a lot of heat from my colleagues, and my boss did as well from his superiors, who considered it a badge of honor that they hadn’t had a vacation in 6 or 7 years, and so who was I to leave the office again, what?? a scant 3-6 months after the last trip!!

Since I had started burying my friends starting with my childhood best friend Nancy who died after losing control of her brand new car on the (401) highway to Toronto and dying in the accident as she drove to Toronto celebrate her 21st birthday with her parents who had just moved there, I knew that we don't necessarily get all the time in this world that we want. I would listen to their moans and groans about my incessant traveling, (having a blast!! usually arriving back to the office with a fabulous tan) and pull out my suitcase a month in advance so I could put one item per day in it until the day I left.

Sadly, I lost many of my friends to cancer as the decades rolled by and since my mother’s youngest sister died of cancer at the age of 16 and my grandmother followed her two years later at the age of 62, also of cancer, I would close my eyes and pray when I had to go for so many of those cancer tests and listen to the results in my doctor’s office. I’ve had a couple of close calls but the “Big C” as we used to call it never knocked on my door to my eternal surprise but undying gratitude.

And finally, my favorite, which isn't really advice but more of a motto which is carved into a plaque in my home:

“Do not go where the path will lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was so fortunate to cross paths with so many people from my first days working just after high school, who helped me and taught me well, so in the "Pay it Forward" tradition, I hope you'll find a phrase or two that might help you.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: No change after 9 years
« Last post by Bamboo2 on January 16, 2017, 05:36:35 PM »
Good for you for following your heart ~ literally!  The body sometimes can tell you what the brain can't.  I think you will know if/when the time is right to visit your son.  For now, enjoy the peace  :)

And I hope you don't feel bad about doing what is right for you.  That's all we can ever do.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: No change after 9 years
« Last post by amflautist on January 16, 2017, 05:20:12 PM »
Ashamed to admit it, but I found myself stewing over the inequity of treatment between me and the other grandparents.  They get lots of visits; I get none.  It was starting to eat at me - just the thought of flying to the west coast where I would be so close to the grandkids, just after their birthday, just after 2 birthday parties, the ones DIL wouldn't let me attend.  After waking up in the middle of the night a couple of times, heart pounding, I realized I needed to give myself a break.  Limit the stress.  So I canceled the trip.  As soon as I canceled, I felt calm, relieved, and then knew this was right for me.

Maybe in the future I will be able to go visit my son without heart palpitations.  Clearly I'm not there yet.
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