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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Sad Mother's Day
« Last post by Pooh on Today at 06:37:31 AM »
Lucy, I'm hoping I'm teaching them and society that I'm not accepting of their indifference or disrespect.  By telling my OS that I wasn't going to accept the behavior any longer and not having contact with him, I hope I'm sending a clear message to him (and probably any other friend/family) that he is free to live his life how he sees fit, but so am I.   I didn't allow him to be a disrespectful child but now I have no say-so any longer in how he behaves.  I only have say-so in how I react to the behavior.

I think many of us, including me, had very realistic expectations of common courtesy and naturally keeping in contact and spending time with our adult children.  We just assumed that's how life was supposed to be and I don't think anyone is wrong for thinking that.  I think it's when it doesn't work out, for whatever reason they don't feel the same, and you continue to keep those expectations and dwell on them, that leads us to continuous disappointment. 

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Sad Mother's Day
« Last post by Lucy P on July 31, 2014, 04:34:16 PM »
"I've had expectations and it has led to a lot of disappointment."
Some of my expectations are so deeply ingrained from the way my parents raised me, it's hard to let them go.  I always treated both of my parents with love and respect, and always with civility.  That's just the way it was, and the way I still believe it should be.  I moved out of state and across the country with my first husband when I was in my 20's and I never forgot birthdays or Mothers Day or Fathers Day - always sent a card and/or a phone call.  It just seems odd to me that we, as mothers, should not expect our children to regard us with even the minimum of respect.  Mine can keep the gifts and the cards (I don't get those either anymore ).   But I expect them to treat me with respect; I don't assume that they will, and I can't demand or force them (which would be disrespectful to them).  I know in my heart that I am not undeserving of their respect.  But I have reluctantly accepted that they don't have the same respect for me as I did for my parents.  I wonder what are we teaching their children and the rest of society if they see us accepting their  indifference and abuse?  They don't have the guts to tell me, but I assume my two AC blame me for their failures and have estranged from me because I refuse to live by their rules of "entitlement".  I also uphold the role of being their MOTHER, not their "friend".  So - it is what it is.  I can't change it. 
DM, I'm glad to hear you're seeing a therapist.  Your post sounds like you've been "wading through the muck" and now setting foot on firm ground.  (((hugs)))   LP
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Sad Mother's Day
« Last post by dedicatedmom on July 30, 2014, 08:48:21 PM »
Thanks for your suggestion. There was never any abuse, perhaps emotional from his drinking. My daughter certainly knew how to be emotionally abusive to her parents. I spent 6 years in Alanon while I was going through all that but now I've started seeing a therapist and that is helping me at this time. Thanks again.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Sad Mother's Day
« Last post by Sarah on July 30, 2014, 05:48:36 AM »
I'm sorry you're hurting from all this.  It sounds like alcohol and abuse played a key role in your home when your children were growing up.   I'm not judging but just trying to see why they resent you and perhaps al-anon might be a good thing.  To understand the effects on the family.  I think you might benefit from it.
 
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Speaking of Facebook.....
« Last post by luise.volta on July 28, 2014, 05:43:04 PM »
I don't think any of us have gotten to not expecting to be hurt. I was hurt whether I expected it or not until I got to where I really did let go. It took a long time. I felt so alone and just went round and round in my head trying to make sense of the senseless. More hugs...
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Speaking of Facebook.....
« Last post by WWJD on July 28, 2014, 04:41:06 PM »
Expectations are just a set up for future resentment.  I have tried not to have any expectations, but as a Mom it is very difficult.  I don't expect to see or hear from my daughter for the next 5 years as she and her family are leaving for Chine in a few days. (haven't really heard from her for the last 10 years and still don't know why) I don't expect to hear a goodby.  Not expecting to be hurt by this action doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt!  I keep trying to think positive things but that to is hard.  Treat yourself well, you deserve it!!
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Estrangement from Daughter
« Last post by WWJD on July 28, 2014, 04:28:54 PM »
Thanks, I will check that site out.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Speaking of Facebook.....
« Last post by dedicatedmom on July 28, 2014, 01:44:54 PM »
Thank you so much. I'm coming to the realization that my expectations of them leads me to such disappointment. You are so right.  ;D
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Estrangement from Daughter
« Last post by luise.volta on July 28, 2014, 11:35:14 AM »
Welcome, W. This is my Website and I'm 87...so it is definitely designed (by my son) for the computer-challenged. :) We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

To get started, I suggest you read through the thread 'Speaking of FaceBook' by dedicatedmom. She is up against similar circumstances and I think what I just wrote there might help you.

There are so many of us here who have 'been there/done that'. Slowly (for me at least because I got stuck in injustice), we learn that we can't change anything because contrary to the data presented, it isn't about us. I hope you feel at home here and continue to share and contribute to our 'family.'
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Speaking of Facebook.....
« Last post by luise.volta on July 28, 2014, 11:17:52 AM »
D - My painful experience is that I'm afraid not. Looking for even the common respect given to strangers is a totally reasonable expectation from our point of view...but...our expectations are ours. No one is responsible to fulfill them. Turning our adults children's lives over to them has no caveats. Getting that was the hardest thing I have ever had to face. I was certainly a 'passable' mom and I've seen my eldest son be more respectful toward a grocery clerk he never saw before in his life. His choice.
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