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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: A somewhat quick question
« Last post by luise.volta on March 29, 2015, 06:22:42 PM »
I have never faced this but from what I have learned here, I think I would get a restraining order. Abuse is toxic.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: A somewhat quick question
« Last post by SadToTheCore on March 29, 2015, 06:05:15 PM »
Ok, let me put it another way. What would you do if this verbally abusive son had a friend drop him off on your front porch from another state. Your son has no car and he's standing on your porch with all his stuff. Nowhere to go. Nowhere to sleep. He says he'll be staying one month. This is exactly the situation I think I'll be facing within the next few days. I can't sleep. I'm sick to my stomach. What would y'all do??
Success Stories / Re: safe haven
« Last post by luise.volta on March 29, 2015, 03:17:18 PM »
Love you LL!
Success Stories / Re: safe haven
« Last post by lancaster lady on March 29, 2015, 03:14:44 PM »
Hi guys
I wasn't notified of your replies , glad you're still hale and hearty ......
I would need a book to tell you of happenings over the past few years , but hey
that's old news .
Families , who needs them ? We do ......that's the problem lol .
Sending love to all you ladies , take care ....happy to find you again . X
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Train wrecks
« Last post by Monroe on March 29, 2015, 01:36:15 PM »
Still -

sorry about the issues you are dealing with.  I recently had a friend comment:  "Forget divorce - elder care is the new cause of the disintegration of the family."  It is fairly typical of adult siblings to have differences of opinion on how to care for the elderly parent.  This is true even if ALL are well-intentioned.  But when one adult child takes advantage of the elderly parent, friction is inevitable. 

Some general comments - take them or leave them. 

1.  Your husband is the blood relative.  Even if you are the one coaching him - HE will have to be the one to confront his sisters, take legal action, etc.   Obviously you will be a great help to him - but he has to be the one taking charge. 

2.  The legal course would be to petition the court for your husband to become his mother's legal guardian (and possibly conservator of her assets).  She may or may not have given one of her daughters a power of attorney - but the court can over-ride that if there is evidence that the daughter with power of attorney is in fact not acting in your MIL's best interests, is wasting her assets, etc.   The court can appoint your husband guardian.  It can also appoint him conservator of her assets, even if it leaves his sisters with certain authority.   Guardians are in charge of the person.  Conservators are in charge of the assets.  Sometimes the same person is both guardian and conservator - sometimes one person is guardian, and another person is in charge of the assets. 

3.  As for the house, there may or not be good reason to keep it yet not rent it out.  An elder care attorney would know about this.  Long term care is self-pay until the person runs out of money.  Only then does Medicaid cover the nursing care.  But that severely limits the facilities from which one can choose.  Self-pay residents have a lot more power to select the facility that is best for them.   Sometimes the house is not considered an asset that must be liquidated in order to qualify for Medicaid - sometimes it is.  Again, talk with a elder care lawyer.   But if she has enough money to be self-pay for 5 or 6 years, and you don't want her getting "pot-luck" in nursing homes after her money runs out, there's not much point to keeping the house just to have her qualify for Medicaid.  That's a lot of expense and upkeep for an empty house (worse if it is not empty and the cats are ruining it) - and houses do deteriorate (roof, gutters, sidewalks, plumbing).  Sounds like she can never live in the house again, that it will only get in worse condition - that it might be best for the house to be sold and that $$ put in the bank to pay for her care - rather than have the property deteriorate.   

Bottom line - your husband (and you, in the background) need to talk to a lawyer who is quite familiar with adult guardianships and conservatorships, and property issues related to qualifying for Medicaid.  Then you will know whether or not the house should be sold, and whether your husband should file with the court to become either her guardian or conservator or both. 

Best wishes. 

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: A somewhat quick question
« Last post by luise.volta on March 28, 2015, 11:51:59 AM »
I have not faced a similar situation. That saidmy take is that I agree with your husband. You would not be putting him in jain if he violated the restraining order...he would be doing it to himself. Sending hugs...
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / A somewhat quick question
« Last post by SadToTheCore on March 28, 2015, 11:18:21 AM »
My adult son is in his early thirties. He has been pretty verbally abusive to his dad and I over the past 5-6 years or so. I believe he has a personality disorder with which he refuses help. He has been living out of state for the past few years but has now lost his job and is destitute. (I know for a fact that no drugs are involved).

He recently called my husband (a rarity, as we never hear from him) and asked for help. My husband told him he needs to get a job. To make a very long story short, my son ended up telling my husband that we are "the enemy."  My husband told him not to contact him again until he agrees to get help and can be civil to us.

Wellllll, a few days ago, my son told my daughters that he is planning on moving back home for the month of April. ... only for a month...  This cannot happen. The tension in the house was unbearable when he was here and I can't go through that again. I believe my son will show up at my doorstep with his stuff without even talking to us first. My husband said he will get a restraining order against him. I just can't handle all this stress. I cannot put my son in jail. And I can't have him living here. And we've already given him so much money, we really can't do that anymore either.
What do I do?????
Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents / Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Last post by luise.volta on March 26, 2015, 10:49:39 AM »
One of the best things about WWU is that we get to take what we want and leave the rest without debate. There's a huge difference between sharing another view and disagreeing. There are as many perceptions here as there are members.
Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents / Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Last post by kate123 on March 26, 2015, 06:18:58 AM »
" My frame of reference is that those holidays are for the people currently raising minor children. "

Herbalescapes, I know this was posted awhile ago, but since Mothers Day is around the corner I thought I might bring this up. I am not sure what you meant by your frame of reference, I am guessing you mean that is how it has always been in your family. In my family we always visited the GM/GF on these special days and I do not know of any family who didn't back then. However I have never had a Mothers Day visit from my children whether or not things were good between us because they have the same idea that you have, that the holiday is for the current parents. I can't express how broken hearted this made me through the years, and continues to.
Pooh has it so right, and you can tell she has such a good heart for saying it, that you do it for THEM. I also believe that the children enjoy being with extended family on these occasions and makes them feel the bonds they have with everyone beyond Mom & Dad. Why can't the holiday (and love) be shared with the generations that have given life to the family. Each family member had/has something to contribute and pass on and that should be recognized in all holidays (IMO of course) :-*
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Epidemic Problem
« Last post by kate123 on March 26, 2015, 04:47:35 AM »
Hi All, I don't know if it is ok to put links here but I found a couple that might be useful to everyone. The first is an article on shunning in Psychology Today. It is mostly for shunning that occurs in the workplace, however the advice can be applied to any situation. Much of what is said is reflected here at WWU which I think shows that the advice given by Luise and the other managers is right in line with what a psychologist/therapist would tell you.

The other thing I came across is a book on Amazon. I have not read all of it because I am waiting on a kindle. But I read the preview pages and it looks like a pretty good book for estranged parents.

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