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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Last post by Rockyboo on May 22, 2017, 03:50:09 PM »
Thank you Marina. I agree, that it is very sound advise. A little easier said then done, but so correct. This has definitely been a great support system and I appreciate it all.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Last post by Marina on May 21, 2017, 01:05:03 PM »
I really connect emotionally with all the comments on this thread.  I have been through some very upsetting and confusing times with my DS/DIL, and it took a while after I stopped interacting with them for all those feelings to quiet down and for me to regain a sense of peace. 

Rockyboo, my advice is to step away from all the turmoil so you can regroup emotionally and consider where you want to put your energy and attention.  Joining your DS in his chaos will not help him or you.  When you are purposely directing your life in a healthy direction, you will feel stronger and have a clearer perspective.  Be grateful for all the good things and people in your life.  Hang in there.  It takes time, but it gets better.  Post when you need to, and get support from WWU. 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Last post by Rockyboo on May 20, 2017, 10:40:00 PM »
Thank you so much pooh for your insight. I feel so much better knowing that there are others out there getting what I am saying. Sometimes I feel complete shame for not having my son in my life, yet I also feel a lot of relief knowing that I don't have all the chaos, drama and bitterness to deal with. Sometimes I think that I don't know if I'll get through the day because i love him dearly, but I must say I do have less stress and turmoil. It is definitely the most difficult thing I've gone through and I don't know if the pain of such a loss will lessen. I try  everyday to be optimistic that whatever occurs with our relationship that I can feel whole and happy again.Sometimes I feel guilty that my daughter and I have a wonderful relationship and then I feel guilty that my guilt takes away from our relationship. As you can tell, I am a real mess and confused at times with all of this. It truly is a grieving process. To all of you I send big warm hugs.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Last post by Justbreathe on May 19, 2017, 09:39:51 AM »
Thank you, Pooh. This is what I needed to read today. Many days I'll need to read this. Man...this is so hard. Hugs to all
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« Last post by luise.volta on May 19, 2017, 06:13:19 AM »
We will wave as we pass, headed out of the city and me heading in! Even though everything is moving fast, it sounds like you're handling it. For me, there's a one-year waiting list! 'Sex and the City'? Humm...I got a new form to fill out at my dentist last week. One question was: Are you pregnant? My answer was, 'I haven't checked today'. (Not much laughter in a dentist's office, I have to do my part!.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Last post by Pooh on May 19, 2017, 05:38:46 AM »
Welcome Rockyboo.  Glad you found this place.  I have the same situation.  I have one Son that I am Mother of the Year and the other, we haven't spoken in gosh.....five years now.  I did ultimately cut him off, after trying for a couple of years to get along and figure out the issues.  Mine was after he married a very controlling girl.  We had a great relationship until then, then it went downhill fast.  The problem I found, which sounds like yours too, is when the other party is not taking any responsibility for what they are doing or did.

It's all your fault and now he has a shrink that is agreeing with him.  Worse thing ever when they find people that will validate how right they are.  We all know we are human and as parents, mistakes get made and lessons learned on both ends.  But when one party believes in their head, they are right and you are not, you are fighting a losing battle.

I hated to ultimately say, "I can't do this any longer.  I can't sit around and stress daily on what's wrong, why are they mad, what did I do and how can I fix it."  It was consuming me and mine just finally came to a head when I found out, via someone in a grocery store, that they were expecting their first child.  That pretty much told me all I needed to know when they couldn't even bother to let me know themselves and everyone else knew.  So I let my Son know I loved him, but I couldn't do the game any longer and until he was willing to talk about it, I wasn't communicating any longer.  The ball was left in his court and I haven't heard from him since.

It is hard.  I spent several years wallowing in guilt, shame, pain and even figured I must have been a bad Mother for him to do this.  But once I got away from the situation, I was able to heal.  I had to grieve, I had to get mad, and finally...I came to a place this last year where I could let go.  I raised him.  He's alive and living his life.  I would have preferred to be in it, but it wasn't my choice any longer, it was his. 

Give yourself time.  There truly is light at the end of the tunnel, it just seems really far off at times.  I don't miss the drama.  I don't miss the stress and I dang sure don't miss dealing with DIL's attitude. 
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« Last post by Pooh on May 19, 2017, 05:21:39 AM »'re going to be a Big City Girl!  Maybe you can revamp a remake of "Sex and the City?"  Hee Hee.

I think that's an awesome plan to be closer.  I know no one wants to think of ourselves as a burden to our family, but I also know that I worry about my parents being away and if they were 15 minutes away, I would feel better about being able to get to them and help if they need it.  So being closer will also probably give Kirk a sense of peace just knowing he can get there faster.

We've been totally crazy bonkers.  We listed our house and it sold in 24 hours!  Ok, great problem to have but DH and I looked at each other and said, "Well, now where we going?"  We had this glorious plan of listing the house (which we worked on two months first to get ready) and then start looking in case it sold in a month or two.  What's the saying about the best laid plans?  So it was a mad scramble for a week looking.  But, we did find our dream place!  It's a small mini farm!  3 1/2 acres, small, one level house, barn, chicken coop, goat area and goat house and detached huge garage.  The acreage is fenced in all the way around.  It is flat as a pancake and beautiful out there.  It's only about 10 minutes outside the City, so my commute will not be bad.

And it has a 125 square foot building in the back yard.  One of the prefab buildings that the man was using as an at home office.  Carpeted, walled, electricity, heat and air.  We can very easily add on to it (plenty of space) if we need to turn it into a small house.  For the moment, it will be my craft cottage, so we will add a sink and water to make it easier to convert later if need be.  We are very excited, but very busy packing, getting inspections and all the buying/selling junk.

So I'll give you guys your laugh for the day.  My husband is a lunatic.  Not like Charles Manson Robin Williams lunatic.  Tons of fun and crazy.  So we decided we needed to "name" our little mini farm and have tossed around names for two weeks.  Here's our final decision and a design I made to turn into a sign. 

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Last post by luise.volta on May 13, 2017, 06:10:56 PM »
For most of us here, it had been a long, and often bumpy road to travel. We are here and we care! More hugs!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Last post by Rockyboo on May 13, 2017, 06:03:09 PM »
I must say that I am findig myself particularily depressed today. I'm not sure why because my daughter, my mom and myself. spent the day together to celebrate  mother's day a little early. I enjoyed our time together, but my heart felt heavy. I guess it is obivous because of the estranged relationship with my son and letting myself get into these deep thoughts of what I did wrong. Maybe it's because I feel so much love from my daughter, yet so much hate from my son and that whirlwind cofusion over powers me. I am not sure what to do to not let these conflicting emotions overtake my thoughts, but I know that I need  to do something. I guess one step was to just  vent my feelings. Thanks for listening. Have a Great Mother's Day Ladies!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Last post by Rockyboo on May 12, 2017, 11:12:08 AM »
I am so happy and relieved to hear from you both. I am so drained from this and you have brought some desire to get my energy back. I can see by coming on here that I am not alone and would welcome any advice or support. I hope to grow and learn how to make this a healthy situation for me. I love my son dearly, I worry about him constantly, but I know that I have to let go and work on me. Thank you so much for sharing your stories because it truly gives me hope that I wont feel so much pain as I grow. I also know your pain and struggles and my hopes are for you as well to have a happy and healthy life. If I could I would give you a hug, so know that is i my heart.
Thank you and I will be back
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