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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Appalled by the inconsideration of my sons
« Last post by Pen on March 29, 2017, 10:57:38 PM »
My brother didn't show up but a handful of times during the months my mom was ill. I quit my job and school studies to take care of her while she was dying of cancer. Of course, all she could talk about was my brother! Even if she didn't always seem to appreciate me, I couldn't have stayed away.

My brother and I are baby boomers, not millennials. IMO, it's more of a guy thing. It's often hard for them to deal with emotional stuff. They also tend to be afraid when their mothers aren't well.

My wish is that everyone is cherished and treated kindly, especially when they are ill or suffering! It breaks my heart to think of people dealing with illness/pain all alone.
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: overbearing SIL and passive daughter
« Last post by Pen on March 29, 2017, 10:46:17 PM »
Welcome, B. My family has allergies too, so I understand the issue from all sides. It's a good sign that a poodle was chosen! I agree with the others that it seems they are trying to show you that you matter to them. Your daughter must have her reasons to defer to her mate, and I understand you'd rather see her speak up - but it is their marriage and must be worked out by the two of them.

I was hurt when my DS bought a high-end car that my DIL refused to allow on our country (dirt) road. I was sure we'd never see them again! But really, why should he buy an SUV or a truck to drive daily in the city? So I offered to pick them up at the nearest paved parking area. Works out well  ;)


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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Last post by Pen on March 29, 2017, 10:22:42 PM »
Welcome, T. I'm glad you found the site, it truly has been a lifesaver for me and I hope it will help you, too. The blame game is tough. You do not need to play.
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Welcome, G. You most definitely are not alone! You've probably read some of the previous posts by many moms & grandmothers who have experienced similar rejections. I know you want to keep a path open to your DD, but being her personal ATM doesn't seem to give you much fulfillment.

Many of us have found that when we are not constantly and eagerly available whenever our AC need something, they start respecting us more. It's hard to make that choice, and only you know if you can accept the consequences, good or bad.

(((hugs))) I know how it feels when the "other family" takes over :-( Take care of yourself, cherish yourself, live a good life.
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When I was young, I remember my mother's friends were all talking about "my son, the doctor", "my son the something or another".  I remember thinking that these women didn't do anything but live through their children.  That was so far back that some of the husbands wouldn't allow their wives to work

I did my best to provide a better life for my son after being a single parent when he was four, but as the years went by I made sure that I got to do the things I wanted to do.  He may have thought that I was being neglectful, but now that I'm much older and not anywhere near as healthy as I was, I'm happy that I did what I wanted to do for me and didn't wind up as as "My son the something or other" mother.

He will make his choices and decide what he wants to do and when he's much older he'll look back and realize that everything is always a series of difficult choices, sending the energy in the direction in wants to go.  I think of those large and intricate domino patters where you tip one domino and then they run in all different directions, sometimes one little turn making the difference as to where the rest of the dominoes will fall.  I think life is an endless stream of decisions that turn the dominoes into falling in one spot or in another direction.

I think that the computers and the pecking and texting (which I refuse to do) are a real barrier to keeping in touch with people.  I'm sorry your sons weren't there to give you a shoulder to lean on.  My son did that for me, many times and it was always a comfort.  Even though we aren't in touch anymore, there were times when I was severely ill and in one instance when I was so ill that I couldn't speak, he came and sat beside me every day for 10 minutes.  He was about 14 then so it must have been hard for him to see his mother so ill and worry about the real possibility of me not living to see another day.  I was making it through ever 24 hours at a time, and that was the only way to go.  I made it through that crisis but I will always remember the comfort that my son came to see me even through I was too ill to speak.

I'm sorry that your sons didn't come to comfort you.  My only suggestion is to "turn".  Always turn away from pain or anything that others might do or didn't do that disappoints you.  Turn "towards" whatever and whoever make you happy or cheer you up or give you a shoulder to lean on when you are ill or are going through some kind of surgical procedure.  Go toward the light, and leave the darkness behind.

TG
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: overbearing SIL and passive daughter
« Last post by Therese on March 29, 2017, 05:11:50 PM »
Bella, if you read through the many, many posts on this site about sons,  daughters, sons-in-law and daughters-in-law, you would realize how incredibly blessed you are to have a son-in-law who loses his temper and then apologizes by sending flowers. I would give anything if my son would do that. People lose their temper. They say things they don't mean. It happens by and to all of us. The fact that they got a poodle instead of what he would have liked--that says that you do indeed matter to them and you are very, very fortunate. Now spend a half hour reading some other posts here.
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Our site is a take what you want and leave the rest, B. We don't defend or debate. You will hear from others and get a broader view, I'm sure. Hugs
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I do agree with this.  But I was only informing him, of my medical issues  not directing him in what he should do.  We have never and would never attempt to stick our noses in that way.  To let someone know that their decision to get a dog will preclude us ever coming over is just honesty.  Imagine if we didnt!  In no way did we ever expect that just letting him know that we'd be in trouble if we visited would cause his temper tantrum and rudeness to us. I believe that you may have misunderstood here although I do thank you for the input.
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Welcome, B. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

My view may be a 'stand alone' but I agree with your son in law. It's his home and you don't live there. Your medical condition is unfortunate but it is your issue not theirs. They get to have a dog if they wish and whatever kind they want. The flowers, it seems to me, was a kind gesture.
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / overbearing SIL and passive daughter
« Last post by BellaMama61 on March 29, 2017, 02:05:55 PM »
Hi all, I am brand new here.  One daughter grown whom we've always been super close to as our only child. She married a nice guy two years ago whom we have always treated as our own. All was well til he wanted a dog.  That's fine but I  (MIL) am er room type allergic.   When we told him this, and expressed our concerns over never being able to visit them at all he was very rude.   He basically threw a giant temper tantrum ( he's a spoiled and wealthy kid ) and for some reason our daughter just goes along very passively with every decision from the house to the decor, the car and now the dog.  Evidently he hadn't realized my allergies were that bad (they truly are. I can handle a hypoallergenic dog and said so).  But he wants what he wants when he wants it.  We were told on the phone  "we love you but a dog IS HAPPENING in the rudest;, most lay down the law way one could imagine. We were horrified, not least by the fact that our daughter was mute.
I received a bouquet of flowers the next day (threw them o.u.t. as I was disgusted at his behavior.
He has hidden from us for the past three weeks although has. Chimed in on phone calls says "we love you". Etc.
Now we hear today that they are getting a poodle. Not the dog he wanted but hypoallergenic.   I am being told that I matter to them by my daughter.
She's frantically trying to smooth the feathers here.  What do you think?  I'm crying buckets over this awful rift mostly because our beloved daughter just sat there and let him talk to us like that. She's never been someone who could ever even speak up as she hates confrontation.   His personality overwhelms hers and rather than fight she goes along with everything he wants to do.
Could use some advice!!!! Thank you all!!!
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