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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Another New Poster with Son Issues
« Last post by Pooh on December 17, 2014, 06:14:35 AM »
Ok, thanks for clarifying.  I didn't understand from your original post that we were talking when he was young. 

Yes, that is totally different, IMO, when you are talking about a child that is under your roof.  Both of my children were allowed to have Facebook when they were teenagers, with the rule they had to friend me and could put no restrictions on what I saw, and had to turn over their passwords.  I did monitor their page for inappropriateness back then, as I believe all parents should do.  What they post as children, it can not only be dangerous for their wellbeing but also hurt them later in life as nothing truly ever "goes away" when it comes to the internet. 

Unfortunately, that does come with they get to make the decision to block you or unfriend you when they do become an adult.  I wouldn't have regretted it either had they ever give me a reason to confront them over something. 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: I knew it would eventually come to this.
« Last post by Pen on December 16, 2014, 09:56:58 PM »
I'm sorry you and he are going through this. My fervent hope is that he gets the help he needs and uses it to turn things around. You've done all you can; it's up to him now. (((hugs)))
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Another New Poster with Son Issues
« Last post by Dirty Martini on December 16, 2014, 02:24:12 PM »
Pooh, thanks for your thoughts and you certainly raise good points.  They resonate most with me for the "here and now" and into the future as he is 21 and will graduate from college in 5 months.   He is now an adult--but just barely.    But he is an adult and it is time for me to let the reins go now and let him choose as he chooses without my expectations.  THank you for the reinforcement of that.   

As it relates to my post,  much of the content of my (needed) rant referenced his teenage years and not the now officially adult one.  (He only just turned 21 a few months ago).    And so, I would like to provide some explanation and context.

Yes I looked at his social media from his age of 14 until last year.  When you have a son who is quiet, withdraw, and incredibly to himself and not willfully disclosing anything to his worry.    And if he's gay, you worry a lot.  The rates of gay teen suicide are not insignificant.  Combine that with a medical hypothyroidism issue -- which potentially has  a side effect of depression, although my son has not been diagnosed with that -- you watch and you worry and you pay attention for changes and yes, you look for warning signs.     You could choose to do nothing, bury your head in the sand and hope it turns out OK.    Likely it will.

But then you hear of things like Adam Lanza (the Sandy Hook mass murderer)....and you learn that he had a mother who just didn't intercede and question.  ANd people scream "how could she not have known?  why didn't she care enough to investigate?"         Or James Holmes, in Aurora CO, a brilliant young man with demons that also seemed to have gone unchecked.     I am likely sounding melodramatic, and perhaps hyperbolic to make a point.....if you don' t intercede to find out what is going on, you may miss something very important.     But if you do intercede to find out what's going on, then you risk being accused of stalking, interfering and so on.    SO you make your best choice weighting the pros/cons/risks etc.

And yes, in doing so, I did learn he was engaged in an  on line activity when he ws 19 that was foolish (involving the reposting of porn) and came with some unintended risk (you know nothing about the sources of the pictures, and what if it happens to be an underage individual?).  I made the correct parenting decision to a) tell him I knew; b) tell him how I knew and c) insist he stop.     At 19 he could be held liable as an adult for very serious issues, and I feared he wasn't thinking this one thorugh very well.  He professes he took corrective action as a result.  I hope he did.

WIth this explanation, I hope you understand why I have no parental regrets on doing what I did in these years.  I fully get it saying what I did, it comes with second guessing and  no worries about that -- I did come here looking for advice.   ;D 
Forum Support / Re: DO NOT CLICK ON THE LINKS!!!
« Last post by luise.volta on December 16, 2014, 10:46:56 AM »
SL - There are thousands of those every month. BOTS leave them automatically and my son and Webmaster, Kirk, goes in monthy when he does his maintenance on our site and deletes them. Not to worry...OK? They don't show up on our site, so they are never opened. Our SPAM filter handles that. Once in a while one is manual and gets through, but not often. Pooh, Pen and I catch and delete those.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Another New Poster with Son Issues
« Last post by Pooh on December 16, 2014, 08:04:15 AM »
Welcome.  From just the outside looking in on your post, I would say he's being pretty normal for that age.  Combine that with I'm sure he has his own struggles when it comes to his sexuality, he's probably sorting through a lot in his life.  I know that's no comfort to you when you want more, but really, he's doing great in school and he is at least keeping in touch.  Maybe not in the way you want, but he still is.

Also, no one at age 21 wants their Mom snooping into all their social accounts.  That is nothing personal against you, but I'm assuming, you brought things up to him that you saw on this pages?  That's how he knew you were sleuthing around?  Let's face it.  No child or young Adult wants their Mom having that much access to their comings and goings.  My 25 year old Son will post something that just makes my teeth hurt, and I ignore it and don't say a word about it.  He's an adult and although I wouldn't have posted it, that's his business.

I'm not picking at you, but you had a sentence in your post that caught my eye.   "How can someone who has been so blessed be so oblivious to the basics of family responsibility?"  We all had hopes and wishes that our children would remain in our families as they got older.  We knew we wouldn't be the center of attention, just hoped for some inclusion.  That is our expectations not theirs and one of the big hang-ups we all get caught in.  We don't understand how they can just be so blasé about family because most of us weren't or we believed our children would never be.  Our expectations are one thing we have to learn to let go of.

Have you tried giving him some space and not texting or calling him?
Forum Support / DO NOT CLICK ON THE LINKS!!!
« Last post by Stilllearning on December 16, 2014, 05:47:21 AM »
I was just poking around and I found the calendar.  On December 3 or so there are like six birthdays all with only one letter different in the name.  I checked out a couple of the names and it seems that someone registered multiple times and included links (maybe even viscous ones so don't open them!!),  I thought maybe one of our wonderful moderators would like to disable the accounts.....

The first one is BtqsvUqd.

I repeat....this may be the kind of thing that can infect your computer....DO NOT CLICK ON THE LINKS!!!!!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: I knew it would eventually come to this.
« Last post by Monroe on December 15, 2014, 10:46:20 PM »
Lilly - my heart goes out to you.  I am no expert, but I believe you did the right thing.  Have you tried Al-Anon?   For families of alcoholics?   It can help you cope - detach with love - (but detach) - learn to avoid enabling the alcoholic. 

Best wishes to you. 

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Last post by Monroe on December 15, 2014, 10:42:07 PM »
Pen, you are an absolute saint to cope with this all this time - with grace - and still be able to tell your son that you "love them BOTH".  Frankly, I don't think I could stand to be in the same room with your DIL.  My hat is off to you.  You have lost nothing.  A relationship with a DIL like that is not worth having.  But you are a saint.  It strikes me that the really sad thing is your son having to put up with that kind of selfishness and immaturity in his life partner.  I don't think I could possibly be happy if my spouse were so insecure and jealous. 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Another New Poster with Son Issues
« Last post by Dirty Martini on December 15, 2014, 09:19:39 AM »
Thanks, Pen, you gave me hope!  I can handle "no expectations" this Christmas break and even  on an occurrence by occurrence basis (living in the moment, one day at a time where he is concerned). 

But I have to admit it -- right now giving up having hopes and expectations for something better for the rest of my life is just too depressing to contemplate.  I'll hope that 26 or 27 brings a different relationship. ;)
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Another New Poster with Son Issues
« Last post by Pen on December 15, 2014, 08:43:15 AM »
DM, welcome. You came to the right place for your rant, lol. I sympathize and send (((hugs.))) He's been through a lot, as have you, and maybe down the road he'll open up a little more. One of my dear friends just told me that her DS (who is similar to yours, but just turned 27) interacted with his family and extended family this past Thanksgiving for the first time! 26-27 seems to be a magic age for guys. That's when my DS finally thanked us for paying his way through college.
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