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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: no change after 6 years
« Last post by lancaster lady on June 20, 2016, 11:52:23 PM »
Hi Pen

You're so right . That's why I check in with you guys because I often think it's me that's in the wrong expecting the impossible. .
To share with those experiencing the same behaviour lets me know it's not normal to be given crumbs while others eat cake.
After all these years of being hungry I'm now used to not getting the icing . Moving on again until I'm summoned .
I have lots more friends who serve up large slices of cake .
Till next time ladies XX
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: no change after 6 years
« Last post by Pen on June 20, 2016, 05:02:19 PM »
Sometimes we just need to share our frustration/sorrow with people who understand. The unfairness gets to me, too.  :(

But we've got to keep moving forward and stay out of the downward spiral! I want a fulfilling, joyous life in spite of my situation.

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: no change after 6 years
« Last post by Green Thumb on June 20, 2016, 01:45:25 PM »
LL, I understand how upsetting this is and why you feel the way you do, I am also the non-favorite in law or out law. I guess what I am saying is we can churn it inside our heads and hearts and grieve ourselves to death or we can accept it for how it is and detach from the emotions. All we can do is change our own attitudes and thinking, we can't change the other people. I do understand how you feel and what you want, am in a similar boat (but no GC yet, but it will likely be as you experience). What I see in you is a woman who has a lot of love and who could make the life of a child very happy. If your own GC is denied, and this is truly unfair to both of you, perhaps think about doing this for a non-blood relative like volunteering at a shelter or low income preschool to do arts and crafts with those kids. You would get a lot of love and be such a blessing, for sure!
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: no change after 6 years
« Last post by luise.volta on June 20, 2016, 10:26:37 AM »
We'll be here. Wishing you the best!
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: no change after 6 years
« Last post by lancaster lady on June 20, 2016, 09:38:20 AM »
Hi green thumb

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post .
This problem goes back years I'm afraid and is quite complex .However at this present time , the problem is time .
All the spare time is allocated to my DILS foo . They spend every holiday , birthday , anniversary weekend together .
Not leaving much time for this side of the family ..
I am that hands on GM , I'm an artist who would spend every waking hour with my GC . I've just made fairy lanterns for my GD . A  woodland mobile for my GS . ETC .
To get the full picture you would have to read all my history on WWU , too long and boring probably .
Nope , my DIL doesn't like anyone but her own family getting close to her kids .
Mine and her loss , not to mention those kids .
Backing off at the moment , will see what lies ahead .
I'll be in touch WW .

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: no change after 6 years
« Last post by Green Thumb on June 20, 2016, 07:51:55 AM »
Lancaster Lady, I am sorry you are being scheduled in like this. My first thought was how awful, my second was how typical this is in today's young families. They are often so busy, parents working, kids taking sports and classes after school and on weekends, just scheduled to the hilt. Very little down time, even on weekends.  I might suggest you try the schedule thing. See if you can get it regular time and in a way that makes life easier for the DIL. Bring a meal over, etc. Play with the kids in their bedroom so she has space and time for herself. Bring over a craft project, coloring or painting or lego kit or something special to do with GC. In other words, you want the DIL to see you as help not a problem. If she's got a negative attitude this may not work, but at least you tried. Selfish people want things in their favor and to have it all about themselves so try to make a visit something that she feels is beneficial. Put seeing your GC higher priority than your feelings of being ostracized how how negative she treats you. Start slow and see how it goes, without expecting or being attached to an outcome. Conversely, if you just can't do this, then let it all go. You have some power here, although its all in your thinking, attitude, etc.

And lastly, today's young people do what they want, they see no reason to do things that are "too much work" or not pleasant. Older generations were trained to do their duty, to earn a parent's love, whereas younger generations have not been trained to do their own thing and feel the parent(s) need to earn the children's love and devotion. There was a lot of dysfunctional enmeshment and unhappiness in these older generations with their parents but it feels yucky to know one's adult children do not choose to have you in their lives. The "if it feels good, do it" generation has come full circle and our kids often don't feel like seeing us "feels good". Sigh. I don't have GC yet, but I expect to be scheduled and begging to visit and ignored. I am working on staying strong and busy and detaching from the hurt. Life is never easy and it usually turns out different than we hoped, wanted, or dreamed about. 
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: no change after 6 years
« Last post by luise.volta on June 20, 2016, 07:07:07 AM »
Beloved Friend. The problem never (or hardly ever) goes away...but we do. We choose otherwise knowing that others can't really choose for us. And what we choose is self-respect. We matter. And we choose to turn toward supportive, reciprocal, loving relationships...since we know we are more than deserving. Sending hugs...
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: no change after 6 years
« Last post by lancaster lady on June 20, 2016, 12:28:19 AM »
Thankyou ladies for your support .
You would think I would know better after all these years .The thing is they think it's perfectly acceptable, they are offering us time to see the GC   . Just so long as it fits in with everything else . Now if that was a busy working schedule I would agree , however the time allotted is what's left after everyone else has had theirs . .
The crumbs .
Backing off again and again and again . They win again .
Doesn't give them the problem of having to think of excuses not to see us .Whatever .
If people want to see you , they make the time . Ok , point taken .
Love to you ladies , always there when I need you XX
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: no change after 6 years
« Last post by Pen on June 19, 2016, 04:28:46 PM »
LL, (((hugs))) to you. What a spot to be in. Please take care of yourself, you deserve the best (as do we all.)

This weekend was Father's Day in the States...another opportunity to feel unequal, underappreciated, passed over if we choose to look at it that way. My DH handles it better than I do, at least outwardly. I woke up this morning feeling like the fight was finally out of me, I was resigned to it. Permission granted to feel the sadness, then on with my day!

We don't have GC yet so maybe I'll turn into raging GM ("What do we want?" "Equality!" "When do we want it?" "Now!") when the time comes, but more than likely we'll take what we can get. I just hope that we aren't teaching a negative lesson, as Luise says. If it feels like abuse I hope we have the sense to stop it.

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: no change after 6 years
« Last post by luise.volta on June 19, 2016, 02:35:45 PM »
Oh, honey. Always your choice to determine how much abuse you will accept. And how much you want your grandchildren to witness and ponder. It's such a touch call...to be a role model for negative lessons. They are going to learn that abuse is OK. Sending love...
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