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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Youngest son told me he hates me
« Last post by jdtm on Today at 05:50:57 AM »
Quote
He is verbally abusive towards us. He can't handle the finest bit of stress. He screams and breaks things. He tells me how much he hates me. But when he doesn't know how to handle something he comes to us. If we help him and we do then he later is even more resentful.

Hmmm .... no medical expert here but what you wrote sounds like your son might need medical and/or psychiatric help. 

Quote
He refuses counselling and takes an antidepressant that doesn't seem to work but won't return to the Dr.

Yup - as I read further into your posting - medical/psychiatric help.  But, you cannot dictate to an adult what to do even if it is in his own best interests.  I really doubt he enjoys hurting you and I doubt if he is able to focus on  the good times - mental health issues tend to block "normal" feelings and responses.  Is there any one person he trusts?  If so, perhaps that person could try and convince him to return to his doctor.  I believe (again no medical expert here) that if an antidepressant does not work, one probably is dealing with personality disorders and/or more severe mental health issues.  I really think that your son is "hurting" but it is up to him to seek help.  So sorry - been there - not with our sons but with other family members.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Youngest son told me he hates me
« Last post by marie57 on October 21, 2014, 04:07:43 PM »
This is my first post. I gave birth to three sons. The oldest is 36, divorced and we don't see him much but he treats us good when we do. The middle son died in a car accident 17 years ago. The heartache has been everlasting. The youngest son is 22 and just moved out this summer. We bought and ran a business after middle son passed away and it took away much of our time with YS. We have so many regrets not being home much. We were trying to survive middle son's death and oldest sons grief because he was the driver when the car accident happened. We spoiled YS with everything but enough of our time. He has competely pushed out of his memory bank how we did our best to work around the business to be there for him.We realize it wasn't enough. His isolation caused depression and an anxiety disorder. He is verbally abusive towards us. He can't handle the finest bit of stress. He screams and breaks things. He tells me how much he hates me. But when he doesn't know how to handle something he comes to us. If we help him and we do then he later is even more resentful. We have been thinking about selling our large home and relocating. This really makes him mad. I think he lives in a constant state of fear needing us but not wanting us
He refuses counselling and takes an antidepressant that doesnt seem to work but won't return to the Dr. I cry all the time and have so many regrets. I think he enjoys hurting me. I wish he could remember the good times but he only focuses on us not being home enough with him.



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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Getting off the roller coaster
« Last post by Pllumeria101 on October 21, 2014, 02:11:33 PM »
Hello..new here...found this forum and it seems a good fit for me. Thank you for this community. I'm a 50 year old divorced Mom of two. Single. I have a small bookkeeping business but am disabled with Sarcoidosis.

I am a fairly new empty nester off/on over the last year. My 19 Year old DD moved out for the last time early August. Since I asked her to move out a year ago July we have not had much of a relationship.

I couldn't take her anger, verbal abuse, disrespect of me and my home and her unwillingness to take advice from adults. I figured she would get it together, apologize and come back home and work things out. It has spiraled into a huge mess. I know I did the right thing in asking her to move out but in hindsight I could have handled it better. Smarter.

One of the conditions for moving back home was counseling. Lots has happened in the last year but we are at a very low point now. She is very much the victim and it's everyone else that is the problem.

She told me via text and email October 10th that she is cutting off all contact with her dad and I. We've been divorced 11 years. I have been trying to respect that boundary by not replying to the email rants she sends. I did send her an email a few days ago telling her my silence is not negative that I'm trying to respect her boundaries. That I love her and pray for her even when we are apart. She replied in a positive email.

She called me today to ask me to co-sign for a car loan for her. I said I couldn't and she hung up on me then sent me a mean text.

My heart is breaking and I long for a healthy relationship with my daughter. Seeing her take the tough road, the anger and pain she is in and getting beat up for everything that goes wrong in her life is so hard.

I am also dealing with health issues and taking care of my 88 year old stepfather in assisted living 3000 miles away with dementia. I feel frozen in depression and am trying to get through one day at a a time. I went from being excited about being an empty nester after raising kids for almost 30 years and having a challenging life to being a depressed empty nester that has no desire to date or find my new place in life.

I started counseling last week which I'm sure will help. I have also found a new healthy church and will join in a women's group when I return from Georgia next month to check in my dad. I'm also living with a girlfriend temporarily after selling my bigger home to downsize. Lots of changes. Have a good relationship with my DS & DIL. Have good friends but everyone has their own stuff to deal with and it's embarrassing and hard to share. Feeling sad and lost.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Getting off the roller coaster
« Last post by Pllumeria101 on October 21, 2014, 02:08:24 PM »
Hello..new here...found this forum and it seems a good fit for me. Thank you for this community. I'm a 50 year old divorced Mom of two. Single. I have a small bookkeeping business but am disabled with Sarcoidosis.

I am a fairly new empty nester off/on over the last year. My 19 Year old DD moved out for the last time early August. Since I asked her to move out a year ago July we have not had much of a relationship.

I couldn't take her anger, verbal abuse, disrespect of me and my home and her unwillingness to take advice from adults. I figured she would get it together, apologize and come back home and work things out. It has spiraled into a huge mess. I know I did the right thing in asking her to move out but in hindsight I could have handled it better. Smarter.

One of the conditions for moving back home was counseling. Lots has happened in the last year but we are at a very low point now. She is very much the victim and it's everyone else that is the problem.

She told me via text and email October 10th that she is cutting off all contact with her dad and I. We've been divorced 11 years. I have been trying to respect that boundary by not replying to the email rants she sends. I did send her an email a few days ago telling her my silence is not negative that I'm trying to respect her boundaries. That I love her and pray for her even when we are apart. She replied in a positive email.

She called me today to ask me to co-sign for a car loan for her. I said I couldn't and she hung up on me then sent me a mean text.

My heart is breaking and I long for a healthy relationship with my daughter. Seeing her take the tough road, the anger and pain she is in and getting beat up for everything that goes wrong in her life is so hard.

I am also dealing with health issues and taking care of my 88 year old stepfather in assisted living 3000 miles away with dementia. I feel frozen in depression and am trying to get through one day at a a time. I went from being excited about being an empty nester after raising kids for almost 30 years and having a challenging life to being a depressed empty nester that has no desire to date or find my new place in life.

I started counseling last week which I'm sure will help. I have also found a new healthy church and will join in a women's group when I return from Georgia next month to check in my dad. I'm also living with a girlfriend temporarily after selling my bigger home to downsize. Lots of changes. Have a good relationship with my DS & DIL. Have good friends but everyone has their own stuff to deal with and it's embarrassing and hard to share. Feeling sad and lost.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Getting off the roller coaster
« Last post by Pllumeria101 on October 21, 2014, 02:05:27 PM »
Hello..new here...found this forum and it seems a good fit for me. Thank you for this community. I'm a 50 year old divorced Mom of two. Single. I have a small bookkeeping business but am disabled with Sarcoidosis.

I am a fairly new empty nester off/on over the last year. My 19 Year old DD moved out for the last time early August. Since I asked her to move out a year ago July we have not had much of a relationship.

I couldn't take her anger, verbal abuse, disrespect of me and my home and her unwillingness to take advice from adults. I figured she would get it together, apologize and come back home and work things out. It has spiraled into a huge mess. I know I did the right thing in asking her to move out but in hindsight I could have handled it better. Smarter.

One of the conditions for moving back home was counseling. Lots has happened in the last year but we are at a very low point now. She is very much the victim and it's everyone else that is the problem.

She told me via text and email October 10th that she is cutting off all contact with her dad and I. We've been divorced 11 years. I have been trying to respect that boundary by not replying to the email rants she sends. I did send her an email a few days ago telling her my silence is not negative that I'm trying to respect her boundaries. That I love her and pray for her even when we are apart. She replied in a positive email.

She called me today to ask me to co-sign for a car loan for her. I said I couldn't and she hung up on me then sent me a mean text.

My heart is breaking and I long for a healthy relationship with my daughter. Seeing her take the tough road, the anger and pain she is in and getting beat up for everything that goes wrong in her life is so hard.

I am also dealing with health issues and taking care of my 88 year old stepfather in assisted living 3000 miles away with dementia. I feel frozen in depression and am trying to get through one day at a a time. I went from being excited about being an empty nester after raising kids for almost 30 years and having a challenging life to being a depressed empty nester that has no desire to date or find my new place in life.

I started counseling last week which I'm sure will help. I have also found a new healthy church and will join in a women's group when I return from Georgia next month to check in my dad. I'm also living with a girlfriend temporarily after selling my bigger home to downsize. Lots of changes. Have a good relationship with my DS & DIL. Have good friends but everyone has their own stuff to deal with and it's embarrassing and hard to share. Feeling sad and lost.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Getting off the roller coaster
« Last post by Pllumeria101 on October 21, 2014, 02:03:03 PM »
Hello..new here...found this forum and it seems a good fit for me. Thank you for this community. I'm a 50 year old divorced Mom of two. Single. I have a small bookkeeping business but am disabled with Sarcoidosis.

I am a fairly new empty nester off/on over the last year. My 19 Year old DD moved out for the last time early August. Since I asked her to move out a year ago July we have not had much of a relationship.

I couldn't take her anger, verbal abuse, disrespect of me and my home and her unwillingness to take advice from adults. I figured she would get it together, apologize and come back home and work things out. It has spiraled into a huge mess. I know I did the right thing in asking her to move out but in hindsight I could have handled it better. Smarter.

One of the conditions for moving back home was counseling. Lots has happened in the last year but we are at a very low point now. She is very much the victim and it's everyone else that is the problem.

She told me via text and email October 10th that she is cutting off all contact with her dad and I. We've been divorced 11 years. I have been trying to respect that boundary by not replying to the email rants she sends. I did send her an email a few days ago telling her my silence is not negative that I'm trying to respect her boundaries. That I love her and pray for her even when we are apart. She replied in a positive email.

She called me today to ask me to co-sign for a car loan for her. I said I couldn't and she hung up on me then sent me a mean text.

My heart is breaking and I long for a healthy relationship with my daughter. Seeing her take the tough road, the anger and pain she is in and getting beat up for everything that goes wrong in her life is so hard.

I am also dealing with health issues and taking care of my 88 year old stepfather in assisted living 3000 miles away with dementia. I feel frozen in depression and am trying to get through one day at a a time. I went from being excited about being an empty nester after raising kids for almost 30 years and having a challenging life to being a depressed empty nester that has no desire to date or find my new place in life.

I started counseling last week which I'm sure will help. I have also found a new healthy church and will join in a women's group when I return from Georgia next month to check in my dad. I'm also living with a girlfriend temporarily after selling my bigger home to downsize. Lots of changes. Have a good relationship with my DS & DIL. Have good friends but everyone has their own stuff to deal with and it's embarrassing and hard to share. Feeling sad and lost.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Estrangement from Daughter
« Last post by WWJD on October 21, 2014, 11:42:33 AM »
Thanks for the reply.  It is of some comfort to know that you are not alone but there are times when it seems to hit home a little harder.  Thanksgiving weekend was one of those times because it was also my birthday.  All the family gathered with the exception of one daughter and her family.  Leading up to the weekend I had great difficulty dealing with this whole scene but thank goodness the rest of my family being together was wonderful, and I relished the time we spent together.  We were able to spend the weekend at our cottage and enjoy the beautiful colours and the lovely weather and the smell of the wood burning in the fireplace and turkey cooking in the oven.  Still after the fact it really would have been special to hear from my daughter and grandchildren.  I have to keep telling myself that it is her choice to not communicate with us and that I have done everything I can to find out why.  As time goes by it is becoming easier to accept but the hurt remains and I know that it to, will also diminish in time.  Time can be the great healer and along with my faith I know I will survive and the world will not stop.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: staying quiet...exploring new territory
« Last post by Pooh on October 21, 2014, 07:54:41 AM »
I gave up a year ago caring what my DS or DIL thought.  It actually was very freeing and allowed me to take my life back.  There is life after raising children, you just have to choose to live it.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: staying quiet...exploring new territory
« Last post by Stilllearning on October 21, 2014, 04:12:25 AM »
R, I remember those days when I was counting how long I had been silent.  Now I have finally gotten to the point where I don't even think about how long it has been.  My life is full even without my DS and DIL and GC.  I enjoy hearing from them but I no longer measure my life by how they feel.  The change for me happened when I realized just how much contact with them irritated me and how long it took after an interaction for me to return to an even keel.  My life is better when I stay away, period.  Now, all of the sudden, they are contacting me.  Sometimes I do things for them, sometimes not.  Either way I no longer fret about whether they are going to accept me or not, who cares?  I am a big girl, I will be fine either way.
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For the first time in five years, I have not called or gone to see my son for a month now. Not surprisingly neither him nor his wife has bothered to ask me why. They both have to know by now something is different, and very wrong. Boy oh boy, do actions speak volumes or what?
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