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Welcome, F. We ask new members to go to our Home Page and under Read Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

To me, he circumstances you describe boil down to whether you want to spend your life weeping for good reason...or create the self respect to let it all go and have the life you deserve.

My take is it's never going to make sense and I don't see any evidence that you did anything wrong. It sounds like you daughter, just like my son, is having a hard time entering adulthood and learning to be responsible. Her solution is to make it all your fault while using and abusing you.

You are at choice, as I was. It's continue the relationship as it stands, on her terms, or move on.  No one but you can make that choice. There's no fixing it. It is how it is and either you go along with it or you don't.

I chose to accept that my son had the right, as an adult (responsible or not), to live his life the way he wanted to. I had absolutely no say in the matter. I also chose to not let him drag me down with him or teach my grandchildren, by example, that abusing others was OK. Hugs...
Hi, I am new to this but so glad I found it. I have been hurting so much and can't stop crying. I got remarried 5 yrs ago after being in an abusive marriage. My daughter was grad. from High School and I didn't want to move away from her but she told me to go that she is grown and his boys needed me. Now, she is telling me I abandoned her, I was a horrible mother and she had to raise herself. None of it is true my life was my kids. Long story short. 2 years ago she called me crying her and her bf was being evicted and they had no where to. I just started a new job and wasn't suppose to take off for 90 days but talked to my manager and was able to go. Used my rent to go get her and her bf. My husband talked to them and said after they start working they would need to pay $300 month that covered rent, utilities and food. Then save money to get a car and to be able to move out once they where on their feet. I got her a bf a job where I was working. At first it was good but then when they started getting money they would blow it on expensive electronics. The just went out and got a car with almost $400 car pmts. Started stealing the Step kids med's that was for there ADHD and causing trouble between everyone. Soon my husband and daughter was getting into and I was trying to get everyone to get alone. Then my AD was telling me I was taking his side. Not true I wasn't taken anyones side. So after a few  months my husband ask if they were going to start paying rent and we got we will pay next pay check by now my AD wasn't talking to me and ignoring me. I ask her and him what I did for her to be mad at me and wouldn't get a straight answer. Then I came home from work one day and they where gone. I found out she had done this to other family members on her dad's side and couldn't believe it. I didn't raise her to use people and be hateful. When we went in to clean up the downstairs it was horrible they had a big dog the let use one of the rooms for a bathroom and the carpets was ruined. Found drug stuff and achoho bottles everywhere. She still to this day denies it. I didn't here from my AD for almost a year and I cried daily and tried to figure out what I done wrong. Then one day I get a call and she is crying and telling me she is pregnant and it is her bf baby and they are breaking up. Skipping ahead.... She was having a baby shower and I told her I would like to go and she said ok so was even planning the game. A friend and I drove 18 hours down for a baby shower that I ended up doing all myself and paying for and that was fine I was going to be able to spend time with my AD. Things seemed to have gone well. Two weeks later she is having the baby and I wanted to be with her and she told me no she didnt want me there. I was hurt but didn't want to push the issue b/c I didn't want to close me out again. So a month after the baby was born. My husband, 8 yr old SS and myself went down to see the baby. My husband didn't bring anything up or be disrespectable because of me. She spent very little time with me especially if her new bf was there they would stay shut up in there room. We were only there 3 days on the  morning of the last day she wouldn't talk to me or let me have anything to do with the baby. I was so heartbroken. I left crying all the way home. Once again I didn't know what I done wrong. Her dad and his GF goes down a few weeks after me and she is posting how excited she is and everything they done. Now Christmas is coming and I call tell her we would like to come for Christmas and she told me no there wouldn't be enough room because my DL and other GC is going to be there and I tell her we don't have to stay the night I would love to see both GK's for Christmas (my DIL and AS live in a diff. state and he is on deployment). She tells me no. That was a week ago and I can't stop crying and I don't understand what I have done. I have tried to be there for her I want to be involved. Her daughter hasn't been there since our divorce and only seen her a couple of times since she was 13yrs old. But I am the bad, evil one who cares nothing about her. A close friend messaged her to let her know how much I was hurting and she said that when I went up there I wanted nothing to do with her just my friends and she has to walk on egg shells. I ask my friend if she saw anything I done to make her feel like that and she said not at all. None of it makes any sense. I feel so heartbroken and just want to see her and my
GK. I'm scared to say anything because she might take me off facebook and I want even get pictures of my grandbaby. My DL said her and my GB would love to see me. Please any advice would help. Just want to stop crying.  Thanks so much for listening.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Getting off the roller coaster
« Last post by luise.volta on October 24, 2014, 11:52:02 AM »
P - I have been where I have had to let go and get that OS was an adult and my job was done. Not my love for him and my caring but my involvement and direction in his life. He had the right to choose. Like many here, I had expectations of how we would relate after he reached adulthood. However, he took the stand that I was the cause of every problem that came his way and I always would be. I'm pretty sure my letting go didn't affect him...he has his story and he's sticking to it. But it did give me my own life back. It didn't happen overnight and I tried again several times before I succeeded in establishing my own boundaries. I was so busy respecting his that I gave no thought to my own for years. Now, I have balance back in my life, P; interests rekindled, new friendships and yes,even new hobbies. It was up to me to get I deserved peace and joy and that I was the only one who was going to provide it. Hang in there and hugs...
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Getting off the roller coaster
« Last post by Pooh on October 24, 2014, 11:13:43 AM »
Welcome P.  It sounds like you are starting to take yourself off the roller coaster and good for you!  I also applaud you for saying no to her about so-signing.  It's always amazing to me that people think they can be so mean to other people but then ask for a favor. 

I'm sorry about your health issues.  My brother has Sarcoidosis and I'm now throwing the ACE enzyme which is indicative of it too.  So far, no lung involvement, but they think I am growing them elsewhere.  Time will tell. 

Take care of yourself.  I truly know how much sicker you can become with stress.  It was one of the reasons I finally let go of my relationship with my OS.  Worrying about it all the time was just making me sicker.  Take your life back.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Getting off the roller coaster
« Last post by luise.volta on October 23, 2014, 08:02:11 PM »
P - In attempting to remove two of your three duplicates posts...I have removed the response that I made and your follow up. I apologize.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My 32 yr old son
« Last post by luise.volta on October 23, 2014, 06:57:44 PM »
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our Home Page and under Read Me First, to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be see WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website. You violated our position on foul language and swearing. It is my Website and since I can find no place to draw the line, I require that no substitutes be given. If we can figure out what you's the same thing as writing it. I modified your post, as you will see, in the hopes that after you read those posts you will understand and comply.

My take on your situation is that there is absolutely nothing you can do regarding the attitude your son has presented. At least in my own life, that was the case. My son took exception to me, decided I was the wicked witch of the west and acted accordingly. My take is that he was the one off base but I didn't get to vote. My expectations made it terribly hard to remove myself from his life but my self respect required it. There was no reality, fairness or understanding. I deserve all three. As a result, I have honored his decisions as an adult and gone my own way.

I know there are other ways to address such things...but I didn't feel there was an open door or an interest on his part to meet me half way. His choice as an adult, I know. And my life is now greatly improved without that kind of cruelty in it.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Youngest son told me he hates me
« Last post by luise.volta on October 23, 2014, 06:36:12 PM »
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement. We're a monitored Website.

As you will learn when reading the posts described above, this Website is not a source for professional help. We can't offer advice on that level. My thinking is that you need stronger support than is available here. That said please consider looking elsewhere regarding the serious concerns you have voiced here. Professionals are licensed, bonded and have malpractice insurance, we do not. Please also consider coming back here after you have reached a level of resolution that we can contribute to. Our love goes with you.
Welcome, R. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the four posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: staying quiet...exploring new territory
« Last post by luise.volta on October 23, 2014, 05:48:28 PM »
It was really hard for me to put myself in charge of my own happiness. I wanted others to offer the simple things that matter to me. They know what they are and it doesn't take hardly any time of effort. I thought it was mutual. Slowly, one step at a time, I learned to matter to myself.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / My 32 yr old son
« Last post by MiaY on October 22, 2014, 06:47:46 PM »
I need some guidance.. My son and I have been close, yet he was a very independent child. But as an adult (22 through 31), we were very close. He was there to protect me when his dad was going through Interferon. He called me at least weekly, escorted me to my 35th class reunion and bought me drinks all evening long. He asked me to go shopping with him to buy his girlfriend's engagement ring. Asked his future mother-in-law if we could come down for Thanksgiving. He is/was very critical of his future mother-in-law cuz she is an drunk. But since he has gotten engaged, he is now very critical of me. (He is a bartender by trade). He told his dad that he did not want me drinking while I was there for dinner. Yet the family own a vineyard.. DUH!! He was critical about what my husband and I would be wearing. (Nothing fancy.. blue jeans and short sleeve for my husband, me black skinny jeans and boots and a red sweater). We stayed for dinner and then left to stay at a motel a few miles away and the next day came home. I had 2 glasses of wine at dinner, nothing before or after. When our son came to pick up stuff we brought back for him, he told his dad that he found me to be disgusting. Fast forward to Christmas.. We had a "misfit" Christmas dinner for anyone who did not have a place to eat. We stopped buying gifts about 7 yrs earlier because our son didn't like buying into the commercial aspect of the season. (now I think he is just cheap). 5 minutes before he and his fiancee arrived, some other friends showed up and opened a bottle of wine. Long story short, he poured the rest of my wine out (without my knowledge and stole my bottle opener), made a scene, apologized to his dad and they left with him calling me a drunk. I swore at him. I have seen him face to face twice with him being very hurtful. Today was the 2nd time that I showed up at his house and he was yelling at me that he does not want my drama and how dare I show up unannounced. When I brought up what he had said to his dad about me, he said that I was drunk and to get my drama stories right. (making my sweating at him the total reason why I will never see him again! I am so loss. It will be a year in December.
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