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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL Driving Me Batty!
« Last post by confusedbyinlaws on January 20, 2015, 08:05:11 AM »
Your MIL sounds a little like mine.  Mine is very sweet on the surface but said so many very critical and insulting and often very indirect things, to me alternating with over the top complimenting.  I didn't know how to handle her and wished my husband would.  Very much like Pooh, after almost thirty years I blew up and filled so much with resentment that I want nothing to do with my inlaws.  I tried addressing the issues once many years ago but my words apparently fell on deaf ears.  I agree with Pooh that your husband should talk to her and let her know that this is not ok with him.  I never felt like I should put my husband in the middle since the conflict was between me and them, but now I realize that they didn't have enough respect for me to listen to me and they would listen to my husband.  I feel like it's too late for my relationship with my MIL, but hopefully not for you.  I tried letting the comments roll off my back but was only able to do this on the outside, not internally.  Internally, the resentment just built until it became intolerable. 
I wanted to include my inlaws in our lives for my husband and our kids and to their credit they were wonderful grandparents in many ways, so I don't regret that.  But now that our kids are grown and my inlaws live across the country I don't need to accompany my husband or kids when they visit and don't want to.  I don't feel good about it though.  I feel like I am the mean and hateful one now, who wants nothing to do with them.  That's what happens when you don't take care of yourself and allow people to treat you in ways you don't want to be treated. 
Poems & Writings / feel happy music
« Last post by Stilllearning on January 19, 2015, 02:27:09 PM »
Just thought I would share.....

Wish I could move like that!  But it does make me tap my foot!  Hope you enjoy it too!!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: I'd like to disappear
« Last post by Stilllearning on January 18, 2015, 06:04:26 AM »
I am so glad that things are better!  I find that the more time I spend in

the attitude of gratitude

the better my life is!  Hope that it works for you too!  Good luck!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: I'd like to disappear
« Last post by NewMe on January 18, 2015, 04:56:19 AM »
StillLearning: You are a wise person, my dear.  No truer words have been spoken.  Now....the hard work for me really begins; I only hope that I can remain sane no matter which way my marriage goes. 

You're absolutely right.  I placed a "P-Touch" label onto my cell phone that reads...."You are in Control."  Each time I pick up that cell phone it reminds me that I and only I am the keeper of my feelings and since reading your post (I printed it and read it all day), I've been feeling better. 

I met up with a friend yesterday and we went walking around at a local quaint little city with lots of trees, beautiful shops, outdoor vendors and even had some wine in a small winery.  We had some lunch and ended the day at the felt good; I felt alive.

Nobody was home when I got there; no doubt my DH was wining and dining the freeloading uncle but instead of feeling angry about it....I smiled inwardly.  Tomorrow, I'm going to church with a girlfriend and maybe even go to see another movie tonight. 

I am so lucky to have my "friends" on this website to kick my butt into reality so that I can wake up.  What a feeling!  So thank you "friends,"  I needed that.

By the way, out of the blue my DIL sent me a text advising that their beloved dog passed away and that the two remaining GK were very depressed.  We're all animal lovers, practically the only thing in common that we have.  I responded that I too felt bad and sent my GK my condolences via a text.  Perhaps this was my DILs way of breaking the ice....who knows.....but I'm not going to waste time trying to figure it out.  I just accepted the notion and sent out good vibes to the universe.....

Thanks and ((Hugs)) to you all.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL Driving Me Batty!
« Last post by NewMama on January 17, 2015, 04:27:00 PM »
Sometimes all you can do for your sanity is just detach a little bit and keep some distance. After our older son was born, I began to have a lot of issues with my MIL. And it was similar to yours - snarky comments and digs all over the place. Hindsight being 20/20, I now realize she had it in her head as far back as my pregnancy that we were going to exclude her. She did that to her own MIL I found out later on. We had no intention of excluding her, and I though we had a good relationship until one day it appeared to just blow up.

The whole experience to me is a big example of what you fear, you create. She pushed back and pressured us immensely when things weren't going the way she wanted. She became hyper critical of me, and I just went running for the hills. I left maintaining our relationship with her to DH, because I was very tired of going out of my way to include her and getting picked at, criticized, and guilt tripped because no matter what I did it wasn't enough.

I think there's a balance between showing the example of including both FOOs with children, but at the same time not giving the example of being treated like a doormat just because someone is family.   
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL Driving Me Batty!
« Last post by Pen on January 16, 2015, 11:14:26 PM »
LL, thank you for sharing your story too. It helps those of us with married sons be better MILs. That's why I love this site so much. It's about understanding and compassion instead of bashing one side or the other. Your MIL (and your DH) are lucky to have you. And you're right - it could be waaayy worse, lol!

My dad's mom never accepted his marriage to my mother. My mom tried so hard (I have the old letters to prove it) to include her in our family life although GM lived in a different part of the state. But, my GM was a real piece of work (snide comments, outright rudeness, lies, etc.) She was not the MIL role model I wished to emulate. Now I see that she was probably terrified that she would grow old alone and forgotten. Unfortunately her behavior created that very reality for her.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: I'd like to disappear
« Last post by sogoesit on January 16, 2015, 08:45:05 PM »
I have a DD who thinks I'm crazy and has made untrue and unfair accusation against me.  In the past, I had tried to "clear things up" or defend myself but she would twist my words around to prove her point (she is bipolar).   I have learned to leave her alone, there is nothing you can say or do to make your DD or DS to change their opinion of you.  Forget about mother who has since passed away...told me to forget about my DD and move on.  She was telling me this from her own personal experience and difficulties.  It is a no win situation and it is up to your DD and DS to show you respect, the more you try to defend yourself and grovel for their attention or respect, the more they will laugh at you and feel they have control.   I haven't seen or spoken to my DD or GDs in almost a year.  I'm glad to be out of the drama, and even though I will always love them and they will be in my thoughts, my DH and I are enjoying our time together and with other family members and friends who do love and respect us.   DD has her own life and she is in control of it, I'm not (and I haven't been ever since she turned 18),  however, I'm in control of my life and my own happiness.  Your DH needs to support you and understand your DD and DS have their own lives separate from yours and his, and be understanding about your need to leave them alone.  Hopefully, they will understand how much you have done for them and "absence will make the heart grow fonder" and will invite you back into their lives with a new respect and love for you.  I have learned not to hold my breath, I haven't been invited to any of my GDs birthdays in 4 years and we all live in the same town.   Our DS is wonderful, we feel so very blessed to have such a dedicated and caring DS.    :)
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL Driving Me Batty!
« Last post by lisalisa on January 16, 2015, 06:31:29 PM »
Thanks Pooh & Pen for sharing you stories.

You know what? Although I feel badly for you both, your comments make me realize that my problem isn't so bad after all... I can't imagine being estranged from my own children  :'( . I really hope that with time, you will heal. Or better yet, I hope your DS will turn themselves around and give you the honor that you deserve.

I agree with you about karma. I believe in the law of "what goes around comes around". I sincerely hope that MIL and I can work things out. Its not that I need her in my life, but DH and DC do. I had a very close relationship with my GM and want my kids to have the same thing. And even if I hated my MIL, I still think DH should maintain a relationship with her. That's his mom after all.

I also agree with your opinion on relationships with Mothers as we get older & marry. As a kid, I thought of my mom as the perfect angel. To this day, she is still the most important woman in my life. I don't think that will ever change. But, I could she how it would change for sons.

My MIL appears to be having a VERY difficult time excepting that the roles have changed, I'm trying to be as understanding as possible. Its not easy for me either. I've never dealt with a person like my MIL before... I will never refuse her the right to she her DS and GC, but I might have to keep her at arms length if she refuses to improve how she conducts herself. There are just some people in life you have to keep at a distance, even (sadly) if their family.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL Driving Me Batty!
« Last post by Pooh on January 16, 2015, 12:43:46 PM »
I'm not sure if its bc he's married with kids now, or if its just a part of getting older.

My personal opinion is that it's probably a mix of both.  I think maturity and growth as an individual leads them to not feel the need to rely on their Mothers as much anymore.  And this always sounds weird when I say it, but I do think Mothers get replaced with wives.   And that's not meant in a bad way.  It's meant in a way that the Wife becomes the woman in his life where the Mother may have been before.  It may have been Mom that he used to confide in, talk to and communicate with.  Now it's the wife that is his confidante.  I don't think that is a bad thing and I think that's how it should be.  The Wife should become the number one female in his life.  I think for many Moms, that's hard to accept.    I think for many Sons, they forget that they call transfer that loyalty to their wife, but still make their Moms feel included.   I can say with all honestly, I expected my Sons Wives to become their number one priority.  I expected that they would now share their hopes, dreams, etc. with them instead of me.  I accepted that was how it should be and that hopefully, our relationship would evolve to friends instead of Mom and Son. 

I didn't expect to be completely erased from his life as if now that he had her, there was no use for me whatsoever.  Maybe that is her fear?  Again, not excusing her behavior as she shouldn't be treating you badly period.  People do all kinds of stupid stuff out of fear.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: I'd like to disappear
« Last post by Stilllearning on January 16, 2015, 11:42:01 AM »
Newme, for things to change first you must change.  Stop looking at everything that is wrong with your life and start looking at the things that are right and good.  Spend as much of your day appreciating things as you can.  You can start out just appreciating the sunshine on pretty days.  Take some time and thank your body and mind for functioning as well as they are.  Savor your meals and be glad you are not hungry.  Stop looking at the things that are wrong with your life and look at the things that are wonderful! Spend your time and effort focusing your thoughts on things that bring you joy.  You deserve it!!
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