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When things went down the tubes in my relationship with my elder son, 'Why' was my focus for a long time. I searched for something I did or at least something logical. After way too long, in my case at least, I had to move on because I knew in my heart I didn't deserve the abuse. I couldn't change him but I could change myself. My life now is about a lot more than my biological role. I have other this Website...and new friends. Life has, when I let go, expanded not contracted. It didn't happen overnight and it was far from painless...but I'm on the other side of all of that and not looking back. My beloved grandson made his own mind up about me when he became an adult. He is world famous in his field and still came to Seattle from Montreal to see me at Christmas and brought his 23 year-old daughter, my great granddaughter, with him. I feel deeply loved, honored and appreciated and they know I love them to pieces. I would never have believed it would turn out like this.
I never thought I would ever be saying this out loud. I haven't told any of my co workers or friends at church because besides being hurt I don't know what happened. Oh I know people say that all the time. But I'm serious. One day everything was fine and the next I'm not allowed in her home. I have five kids and four of them still speak to me, rare but they speak and visit with me.  But my oldest daughter has made up her mind that I am completely disposable. I know things got complicated with her sister (always in trouble always needing something) And I was there for her every time, just like I have been for all of them. I think this is where it stems from. But I'm just guessing, no one will tell me why. I think my oldest daughter thought I always gave the other one more attention and loved her children more than my oldest daughters kids. While it is true that my middle daughter lived with me and I cared for her children. I was naturally closer to that grandchild, he lived in my household for 9 years. But my middle daughter got into some serious trouble and my oldest daughter volunteered to let the 9 year old live with their family until school was out. (four months) I gave them support and money and clothes and toys and tried to make sure that her own children were not giving up anything. Then one day she just wouldn't let me in the house. She wouldn't answer her phone. Shut down her facebook and all social media and she kept my grandson. At first I just thought she was angry with me because I forgave my middle daughter her mistakes and continued to be there for her. But she literally has stolen my grandson and wont let me see him or talk to him. I have never grieved any loss more than this. Our whole family fell apart. No more holiday meals no more birthday parties, no more making memories. And why? She wont say. I sometimes drive by their house to just get a glance at my grandchildren, but I live 3 hours away and work long hours. So trips out there just to drive by a house just isn't worth it. Every time I do go, my heart breaks again and it has seriously affected my life and everyone elses. All my children have scattered and nothing legal has ever been done about my grandson that I raised. None of the other children agree with her actions. But if they know why their not saying. I'm totally lost. I lived for all my kids and then lived for my grandchildren. But I have lost everything. And I dont know why even. Is there anyone who has ever heard of this situation?
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: helping financially
« Last post by luise.volta on September 29, 2016, 05:41:52 PM »
S. - Reading that made me happy!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: helping financially
« Last post by Stilllearning on September 29, 2016, 05:30:27 PM »
Honestly, I think you should do what makes you feel the best.  If helping makes you happy and you can do it then do it, but understand that you are doing it for yourself and not for them.  If they spend the money on her Mom and it makes them happy, and giving it makes you happy, then why are you picking at it until you find a reason to be unhappy?  The point is that at this point in your life you should be doing things to make yourself happy, or not doing things to make yourself happy.  The goal is to be happy.  Period.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: helping financially
« Last post by gettingoldandcranky on September 29, 2016, 11:08:08 AM »
thanks wise women!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: helping financially
« Last post by Pen on September 29, 2016, 08:07:12 AM »
I agree with the previous posts. If you want to give a gift, give it and let it go. However, continuing to bail them out will not help them in the long run. They will be much more empowered as adults when they learn how to manage their resources themselves!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: DS under pressure?
« Last post by luise.volta on September 28, 2016, 10:42:48 PM »
It looks to me like this one has run its course.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: DS under pressure?
« Last post by Monroe on September 28, 2016, 10:06:47 PM »
I think Green Thumb was just trying to be helpful and offer a different perspective. 

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: helping financially
« Last post by NewMama on September 27, 2016, 01:43:53 PM »
This is my take (I am an AC, my children are little):

I get why you want to help him, but the reality is they will never learn to manage money if you are bailing him out. It's kind of a "begin as you mean to go on" type of thing in my eyes. Be prepared that they are going to look to you to bail out their financial problems over and over again instead of learning how to cope with them. If they can't afford their own bills, then they can't afford DIL's mother's either. But that's something he needs to take up with his wife. Giving them money will just be a temporary bandaid.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: helping financially
« Last post by luise.volta on September 27, 2016, 12:24:58 PM »
Hi, G. I have had a hard time with similar issues...helping my sons and then seeing all kinds of thoughtlessness, money mismanagement and misuse of my contributions. What worked for me was to finally get that once I gave a gift it was none of my business what my sons did with it. I found that terribly hard but it's what worked. I got past my anger and hurt and just settled into hoping they would eventually grow up. (And they did. Now, I'm 90 and I'm the one getting checks when I'm short.) Hugs...
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