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I just get the vibe that it's in some women's DNA to feel powerful, important superior. I think they feel like if DIL isn't cooking, cleaning, setting up the kitchen,feeding the family the way they do it, then it is the wrong way. If Dh doesn't call or spend time with MIL all the time, well then it must be DIL'S fault. I think it hurts to think of the possibility that other people might have other or even better ideas and sometimes children get busy or just don't feel like talking.  I think it's less hurtful internally to think that "my way is the best way", and "DIL is holding ds hostage or making him spend less time with me. Ds would never do this willingly" It's a defense mechanism for some.

BlueLotus, that also can be said for some DILs as well.  Insert "MIL" into those same sentences and you have the same dynamic.  It seems to be a competitive nature in general, not just in a title.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Who can say?
« Last post by Monroe on July 26, 2015, 07:40:08 AM »
  But mine started when OS was a Senior in High School and DIL was a year older and in College, so it threw a whole new dynamic in our situation.  He still had house rules, curfew, needed to get homework done, etc.  .  .  .  .  .  .  I was trying to keep him on track with finishing school and getting ready for college. 

Like Pooh,  our DIL came into our lives when DS was still in school.   Early early college.  I didn't need to be as involved as Pooh was, since he was out of high school, living away from home, etc.  But he met her when he was not even 21 years old, had over 4 years of school left, which we were paying for entirely, and our parenting was not quite done yet.   When he lived at home in the summers, he had to have a curfew, not because we were controlling him, but because we had to get up and go to work the next day, and it wasn't fair to keep us up all hours. 

So he resented some of the restrictions -- probably shared that with her.   So maybe she resented us for that.   Too bad.   Once he graduated and we were not supporting him, we had ZERO rules for him.   Fine.  He was not living with us, he could stay up all night, didn't bother us.  We weren't paying for anything. 

We included her on one family trip.  She seemed to think it was a getaway for the two of them and that we were in the way.  She didn't realize SHE was the add-on.   

I realized later that because he was still so young and we were still paying for everything, we thought of him as still part of our family, and that it was nice of us to include her in our family trip.   Maybe they thought of themselves as the primary unit.   I think they disregarded the fact they were not self-sufficient, they just wanted to be alone and decided it was us who was in the way.   Ooops!

Might things have gone better if he didn't meet her until he had worked a few years?   Maybe.  Because we are totally hands-off, non-meddling.  But it is tough if they meet their true love during that transition stage - when they are still dependent on the parents and the parents do have reasonable rules - but they think of themselves completely as adults.  (disregard that $$$$$ we shell out every year to the university, folks)   

And as long as we were paying for everything, we  got to set some rules.  They didn't like it, but too bad.   Now they are both graduated, have jobs, support themselves.  We express no opinions, give no advice, do not drop in, do not meddle in the least.   She still doesn't like us. 

Oh, well. 

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Who can say?
« Last post by love3 on July 24, 2015, 03:19:34 PM »
Green thumb- I am in that reality , except I never knew hard it is to detach from my mil after everything it should be easy ! She is not happy no matter how much you try to please her. It does sound harsh but I have to protect my family .

Still learning I guess I will enjoy it thanks! haha.
BlueLotus, you know how your FMIL is. You have to accept it and detach from it emotionally. She is not going to change. You can only change how you react and act towards her and about her. Some of the women here have gone low or no contact. Some have set boundaries, some are then cut off by their AC and do not see their grandchildren. The things your MIL does will be a problem forever. You are choosing this situation so make the best of it. I highly suggest you and Fiance get couples counseling before the marriage to learn to set boundaries -- but I warn that if he doesn't think his mom is a problem then you are spitting in the wind to get him to set boundaries. You can learn to set boundaries yourself, how to negotiate for what you want and need and how to politely stand your ground. Techniques for getting along with this situation. Every person comes with baggage and at least you are wise enough to understand and realize what is going on in advance of tying the knot.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Who can say?
« Last post by Green Thumb on July 24, 2015, 02:59:59 PM »
There are some people that are just "toxic" and no matter what you do, they are difficult to be around, cause problems, are unhappy, complain, etc. etc. etc. We can let these types of people ruin our lives or we can learn to have boundaries and detach from them emotionally. It sounds harsh but is many people's reality.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Who can say?
« Last post by Stilllearning on July 24, 2015, 12:53:07 PM »
Oh Love3 I remember when I had the whole thing figured out!  I wish I could go back to that time.  Enjoy it while you can!

Good luck!
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Who can say?
« Last post by love3 on July 24, 2015, 12:50:17 PM »
Also Lruby, I think the best thing you can do with a dil like this is to let them know you are always there for them , and if you find it hard to be around them then don't. . Your dil is very immature , things can get better if she realizes this and starts working with you . This is happening for a reason , whatever problems situation your ds and dil are in will come out to show later and your ds will see the reality hopefully, hopefully the both see.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Who can say?
« Last post by love3 on July 24, 2015, 12:38:41 PM »
lrubyhumbird : Your dil sounds like a handful! Mental abuse, bipolar disorder, alcohol , phoniness, she sounds like shes on a way different level! Im so sorry you have this kind of dil . My mil is phony, has made up lies to my dh, has plenty of manipulation tactics , and might have some type of personality disorder is what I feel like too maybe bipolar? aha. Because we know of the typical controlling intrusive mil , some dils use this as an advantage to make even the most nicest mil look like the "typical bad one" to their ds , and of course their dh gives in to manipulation. totally not fair.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Who can say?
« Last post by lrubyhumbird on July 24, 2015, 06:48:19 AM »
When you have a manipulative dil who has her own agenda that is difficult. I don't like it when people are phony. My dil.mentally abuses my dS. She has Bpd.She has lied made up stuff etc. The pattern continues. I want no part of it . So my dS decides to keep my gC, from me to punish me. The only one suffering is the GC.I can't miss what I never had. I  was a great mother to him. I tried so hard to get along with my dil. I bought her things she wanted. Helped her get over her alcoholic problems. I am tired of walking on egg shells around her. It is her way or the highway. My ds. Backs  her  manipulation tactics. I owe them nothing.   Some of this generation lacks respect. They just don't get it. One day when their children turn on them, then they will learn what they taught their children through their utter selfishness. You must give to receive and visa versa.It isn't a one way street.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Who can say?
« Last post by love3 on July 23, 2015, 11:59:08 PM »
I take pride in knowing that I can say all these things, knowing that I  never ruined the relationship  and that I am a happy good person who accepts and loves everyone and I know there are mill's out there who can say the same,  I can relate to you and I feel for you . 
New mama I also think it's a compatibility/incompatibility thing. Different values, morals, and personalities are always going to be there . People need to respect and accept these differences always,  as long if they're not hurting you . Its hard for mils to let go , yes that is very well established  but when it gets too out of hand to the point where the relationship between  the mil and  dil is officially broken, it can take a long time to repair. I could never imagine making my DH neglecting his family people who have done no harm to me in any way  just because I don't want to share him?  I just don't have the heart to do that.

Mil' s please get through your head that your son is an adult,  your dil is an aldult accept that and treat them with respect  just how you would another aldult. Your time of raising kids is over and now it's their time you should be proud and happy about it!

Dil' s don't make your DH stop seeing his loving and accepting  family because you don't like to share that's the meanest thing you can do to your DH you should be happy they love you and want you in their life! 

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