Recent Posts

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Grab Bag / Re: Luise, thinking of you!
« Last post by Pooh on Today at 09:17:30 AM »
And THAT is great news!
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Sad Issue with Adult Daughter
« Last post by Pooh on Today at 09:16:15 AM »
Welcome NB.  I am from the family of "tough love."  Meaning, we help family members as long as they are helping themselves.  Once they don't participate in bettering their own lives, then our support ends.  May sound horrible, but it's the only way I have figured out to keep my own sanity intact.  Only she can decide if she wants to change her life.  It seems from your story, that you and other family gave her plenty of opportunity to start again and it truly is in her court now to continue.  We can't change people.  They can only change themselves.  But we can make sure we don't get pulled down into the drama with them.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Sad Issue with Adult Daughter
« Last post by luise.volta on June 30, 2015, 03:06:46 PM »
Welcome, N. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the five posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure it's a fit. We're a monitored Website.

My story: It was terribly hard for me to get that my parenting was done when my DS became an adult and in charge of his own life. In retrospect, I learned that's where 'the rubber meets the road'. I had a terrible time getting that I did my best, however that may have looked, my job was done and the ball was in his court for better or for worse. I had expectations for both of us without really knowing it and I was at the effect of those expectations when they weren't met. It took me a long time to get that the only person I can change is me...and that's the only person it's my business to observe and monitor.

I know you will hear from others here. We all have our stories and our own path to healing. For me, not having to do it alone made all of the difference. Sending hugs...
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Sad Issue with Adult Daughter
« Last post by NancyBee720 on June 30, 2015, 10:34:04 AM »
Hi all, new to the forum and am in need of helpful ears!  My AD, age 38, has two children, one son, 17 and one daughter 11. AD has always had a contentious relationship with the father of my GS.  Over the years she would complain and I would suggest that she simply not engage in arguing, exchanging insults, etc. with him (which she ignored).  He was not cooperative.  They dragged my dear GS into their crap.  Despite this, he has turned into a nice young man.  My GD's father was okay, he worked full-time (reluctantly).  Turns out he is an addict, has an unhealthy relationship with his mother and is currently serving in a "prison" fire camp.  He is scheduled to be released in 2018.  DD and my grandchildren were forced to leave their home after my SIL left them.  Add to this the home they lived in was owned by my SIL's mother.

My DD did not have a full time job to support herself and my grandkids.  My DS and DIL and I and my ex-husband took a weekend to move them to the city where my DS and DIL live, still in California.  This was in November 2013.  They moved in with my DS and DIL (who have two small children, ages 4 and 6) until DD could "get on her feet" and get a job and her own apartment.

Of course there were problems.  My daughter does not have training or job skills other than waitressing. She has never wanted to work full-time. She wanted to be a stay at home mom.  To her, she was doing her best but to my DS and DIL she was a bit lazy and unmotivated.  They set and re-set some boundaries (multiple times) and explained that the situation with them was temporary (which they had done before the move) and she would have to find full-time work and her own place.  She eventually landed a full-time job at a call center for a major health insurer, and it's close to where she lives!  Only a ten minute drive.  She's been working for a little over a year.  She was able to get her own 2 bedroom apartment that she and my grandkids moved into in September of 2014.  They lived with my DS and DIL and family for about 10 months.

Fast forward to today. DD is miserable as ever (and more so each day) and she is taking it out on the kids. She flies off the handle for every little thing.  I decided to intervene and talk to her as I have witnessed this behavior many times and it makes me sad for the kids.  It's not their fault she is miserable!  She is modeling this behavior and teaching them to do the same.  She needed to hear how her attitude and behavior is affecting her children.

She told me she 1) hates her job; 2) hates where they live; 3) doesn't have friends; 4) hates my DIL's family (the city where they moved to is where much of my DIL's family lives, her mom, dad, brother and sister and family);  5) and admitted that she' s been visiting her ex husband and taking my GD with her - after all the pain he has caused!  Her family has taken up the slack and supported her and the kids, as much as possible, including financially.  And she does not appear to be grateful.  She never once during our conversation (or any other time) said "I'm grateful" - not for one thing!  She said she did not tell anyone that she's visiting her husband because it's "none of anyone's business."  Huh?  I disagree.  She wants to hide what she is ashamed of.  If that is what she chooses, that is fine, but there is no need to hide behind it.  Just be straight up.  She's never given a darn any other time what anyone thinks about what she does.  Why now?  And she has taught my GD to lie in the process. 

She says she doesn't have "support" where they live now.  My DS and DIL have offered her "support" and help but she doesn't like the way they do this, that, whatever!  It's ALWAYS some complaint!  She has also put on about 50 pounds.  All signs of depression, yes.  She was seeing a doctor and was prescribed some anti-depressants but she's stopped taking them. 

I am not sure what to do.  She is 38 and her problems seem to be getting worse.  Do I keep after her?  Do I continue to offer "suggestions?"  Do I mind my own business?  Will I be blamed for "not caring" enough?  Do I ask if she's made a doctor appointment (at my urging, get a check-up, maybe some anti-anxiety or depression meds)?

My inclination is to let it go and re-focus on my own life.  I admit that I dislike her attitude and lack of gratitude. It has also hurt and is disturbing to other members of our family, who have provided help and financial assistance now and then.  What have we done wrong? Is the problem with us? She's approaching 40!  Will this continue?  When her husband is released it is clear they will get back together.  We told her that her choices are just that - her choices and we will love her no matter what.

I've read other posts on this forum and I suppose I have to look at my motivation for wanting to intervene and see change.  This has exhausted me and I think I'd rather focus my energy on other things, not my adult daughter who can't seem to get with the program.



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Grab Bag / Re: Luise, thinking of you!
« Last post by luise.volta on June 29, 2015, 08:10:33 AM »
P., The issue I described was a technical one and has been corrected. It's wonderful how those that have pacemakers have been able to return to productive lives. I don't have my energy back yet but it's only been three weeks today. The symptoms of dizziness and gasping for breath just from trying to walk across the room are gone and I am so grateful :D :D :D
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Grab Bag / Re: Luise, thinking of you!
« Last post by Pooh on June 29, 2015, 06:28:42 AM »
Not at all.  I know what a pacemaker is, but know nothing about how they really work.   I for one, am so glad that the technology exists nowadays to do things like this.  Do you remember the show "The Bionic Woman?"  I couldn't help but get the theme song running through my head thinking about you!  :)
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: very sad with AD things not changing
« Last post by luise.volta on June 28, 2015, 03:36:39 PM »
Yes, the way GT wrapped her post up is my experience, as well. Stepping back and out of the  firing line so our AC can learn the lessons they need to learn is no small task. And yet they all have to grow up to be able to make it. Enabling dependency and accepting abuse just puts it off, and in my situation with my ES, made it worse. The truth is we all did our best and now it's up to them. Our best wasn't perfect but since the perfect parent/human has yet to walk this earth, our humanness is not a viable excuse for blame and inaction. Sending hugs...
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Invitation in the Mail
« Last post by Green Thumb on June 28, 2015, 01:21:16 PM »
I realized you both are right. I hand wrote a short note to the grooms mother thanking her and declining and mentioning meeting her at the wedding. Gave her my cell and email addy. Will give a wedding gift at another time. Have not figured out what gift, yet. It's hard when you don't really know them any longer and the more contact you have with them, the uglier they act!
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: very sad with AD things not changing
« Last post by Green Thumb on June 28, 2015, 01:14:13 PM »
It is hard to live with someone acting ugly and bitter as she does. Stressful and makes the house tense and unhappy. I am very sorry you are dealing with such stress. I know you love her. Right now you are acting/reacting on fear, you have mentioned fear 3x in your post. Fear is a great stopper of moving forward or doing what needs to be done. We are often held hostage by fear. Examine what you are afraid of so you can parent this young woman in a way that is truly best for her. Perhaps counseling for you to figure things out.

The other thing I hear is manipulation on her part to blame you for all the problems. If you take this on as truth, it doesn't help her. Frankly she's at a hard age, she is back at home after having failed to fly on her own. If she can't take self responsibility, you or someone else will always be the scapegoat.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Tough Love
« Last post by Linda on June 28, 2015, 10:22:35 AM »
Thanks for the kind and helpful words.  I started a new topic called very sad with AD things not changing.  All your words are encouraging for me....
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