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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / I feel empowered but sad
« Last post by NewMe on Today at 10:06:03 AM »
Hi Ladies,

I just want to share with you what’s been going on with me these past several months.

Well "Tis the Season" and I'm beginning to have those up and down stirrings within.  Last Christmas was one of the saddest for me.  For those that don't know, here's what happened.  Christmas came and went and never heard anything from my DS or his family; forget that I have a DD because we have not spoken for 14 years (another long story for another time).  The tree had numerous gifts for my DS and his family but they were never claimed. 

On Christmas day last year, I received a call from a former SIL (the only member of that family whom I have a good relationship).  I had been crying in a self-made "pity-party" and she asked what was wrong; I told her.  My SIL is not a gossiper and for nearly 46 years, has been a sincere and loyal person to me.  She relayed a bit of information that stunned me to the bone.  She told me that my DIL (the one I've been showering with gifts and going out of my way for) is not the person that I thought she was. 

My SIL conveyed how her mom (my former MIL-who hates me) had visited her and shared with her the gossip that my DIL has been saying.  Apparently, my DIL said a lot of really awful things about me but the one that hurt the most was that “She doesn't like me--but she likes coming over because I give her good gifts!”  What, I beautiful DIL said that?  Wow, I was devastated; I was inconsolable for two days.   

My SIL shared this with me because she wanted me to stop grieving over the loss of family that just simply does not love me back.  After she gave me a good, swift kick in the rump (verbally that is), she told me to get off my butt and start fresh because my tears will never change anything.

Since then, I pulled away from family.  I don't call, don't buy them anything (which I did often), don't visit and don't text. To my surprise, they never responded one way or another. So I went about my life and began to settle in with my DH and extended family (cousins) and my DH’s family.  It was hurtful that not one time during this year my GDs called me to see how I was or bothered to call on my birthday. 

Armed with the knowledge that my family does not love me and knowing that I can do nothing about it, I now have a different outlook in life.  I actually have begun feeling better about myself.

Well, I got a text from my DS yesterday asking me if we had plans for Christmas.  This only means one thing; they have nowhere to go and nothing to do; so it’s time to call me.  Well, I didn’t take the bait this time.  I responded to his text saying that we already had plans and that we were spending it with family…..yep…I said family.  Let him wonder “what family.”  My family has ostracized me for several years now so I began spending Christmas Day with my extended family (cousins on my father’s side).  They always celebrate with a huge potluck event and as many as 90 family members attend.  That’s where we’ll be on Christmas Day.  Although Christmas Eve is my favorite holiday, my DH and I we’ll be home enjoying the evening alone but it’s OK; I look forward to the next day.

I felt really guilty and had my finger on the “send” key for a long time; it hurt like hell when I finally pressed “send.”  Somehow though, through the hurt and sadness….I felt empowered.  My DS responded in his text that if plans change they’ll be home.  I thought to myself….good…’s time for you to see how it feels being left out; it’s long overdue.

I’m a different person and I owe it all to the Ladies in this website whose wise entries helped pave my way to self-understanding and knowledge.  I’m so glad that I am not alone.  I still fall but my tears are fewer each time.  Ladies in need: educate yourselves armed with the knowledge posted in this website.  Love and ((Hugs)) to you all.   

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: DIL refusing to let me see my GSs
« Last post by luise.volta on November 19, 2014, 06:13:59 PM »
:D :D :D
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: DIL refusing to let me see my GSs
« Last post by blessedmom on November 19, 2014, 05:09:13 PM »
Luise you said, " I'm serious. I matter...(and so do you.)" This is something I'm trying to convince myself of. Its not easy! Well it isn't for me but I'm trying to keep that thought front and center now days.
I've read a lot here and you are just so great at helping someone understand that it's okay to say. "I matter" It seems so simple but its easy for that to get lost in the years of making sure everyone else mattered first. We forget that we also matter (I had). That we are more than Mothers/Grandmothers. We are people with feelings. We aren't perfect. Never have been never will be.. But we do matter!
I've seen many times people have thanked you for having a site like this.. Add me to that list. Thank you!! One kind word can help someone start to heal.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: DIL refusing to let me see my GSs
« Last post by luise.volta on November 19, 2014, 09:58:50 AM »
I wholeheartedly agree with Pooh. Don't let the poison in and then wonder why you're sick. I have had to be firm on this one at times by telling one friend in particular that my peace of mind depends on changing the subject without further discussion. I finally realized that she was enjoying my drama. We are still's possible sometimes to act in our own defence. :-) If she hadn't understood...I would have moved on. I'm serious. I matter...(and so do you.)
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Which way to turn
« Last post by Pooh on November 19, 2014, 08:25:58 AM »
Sorry Shiny.  I wrote that wrong.  I did understand it was her DH.  I wouldn't be drug down either simply because if they do follow through with the divorce, sounds like he might end up with the children.  Then you truly want to have a decent relationship with him as he will hold the keys to you being able to see them.  I don't see her picking them up for visitation and bringing them to see you since she's already playing the "mad" card.

Blessedmom, it's just in the last year that I have been able to start eliminating the toxic people from my life.  I guess I do have my DH/DIL situation to thank for that. :)

Me too Luise...I'm learning to surround myself with people that laugh, smile and roll with the punches. 
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: DIL refusing to let me see my GSs
« Last post by Pooh on November 19, 2014, 08:21:19 AM »
I'd take that a step farther.  When someone calls to tell you what she's writing, politely tell them that you appreciate them looking out for you, but at this point, you really don't want the drama in your life so you would rather not know what she is writing.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: DIL refusing to let me see my GSs
« Last post by blessedmom on November 18, 2014, 04:22:12 PM »
momofthreesons, My heart aches for you.. I'm sorry things haven't gotten any better. Hopefully she will calm down and be willing to talk it out with you soon.
As for the FB stuff my own personal opinion about that is, its good you aren't seeing it. I've never understood nor will I ever why someone would get on FB to fuss and put family members down?  Seems very childish IMO. But that's just how I see it.
Is your son's all close to one another? I really do hope things are better soon.
I do wish people would not include children and I know it hurts they are telling your GS something that isn't true.
If I were a wise woman I could offer better advice. But alas I'm not. {{HUGS}}
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: DIL refusing to let me see my GSs
« Last post by momofthreesons on November 18, 2014, 01:15:07 PM »
Hi everyone thank you so much for all your input it is wonderful and so kind.   I can give everyone an update.  As the argument progressed my DIL keeps posting on F/B which I can't see because she defriended me.  People are calling me and telling me what she is saying so I am kept abreast of her antics.  It is so childish what she is doing and very horrible to my gs.  I still talk with  my DS and he is talking like nothing is wrong.  When I say I want to see the gss he says it is not good.  He said they are telling my gs that I am too busy to see him.  This breaks my heart so much.  They don't realize the damage they are doing to him with all of these lies and I can't seem to make DS see the harm it is causing his son.    I lost my first DH (the DS'S father) and my parents within 6 years.  The DS's who were 13, 10 and 3 and I have remained extremely close as we learned that life is short and we value our relationship that family is most important on earth.  My DS having knowing this confuses me with his denial of the situation.  He believes in time it will get better however, I will not tolerate her insolence any longer and definitely will not apologize as she is the one that started these raves.   It all could have been handled so differently and this was what she choose.  Really to throw away your entire family all because I would not babysit.  The agreement had been broken and she had to learn the hard way.  She clearly has taken this to another level and I believe that there is more going on in the family dynamics than what I am aware of.   I have faith that I will see my gss and I am not giving up.  I believe that in time they will divorce as he will continue to see what she is about and get tired of it.    I feel like I have been so naive about her and her ways.  With the holidays fast approaching my DS will be at a loss without his FOO and I am sure things will start to turn around.  I will not accept her any longer in our family and my DS will have to learn to deal with this fact as I have had to deal with no interaction with my gss. 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Which way to turn
« Last post by blessedmom on November 18, 2014, 05:58:49 AM »
I'm learning to limit the negative people in my life also. It's hard to do when the circus comes with a child you love.
Pooh I admire you being able to take a stand. Enough is enough.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Which way to turn
« Last post by luise.volta on November 17, 2014, 12:38:23 PM »
P - I am drawn to positive people. It feels like I'm being kind to myself by doing that and keeping myself healthy. I am no into enabling victimism and taking it into my consciousness. It seems like a choice to me, a mind set, when it is constantly repetitive. I choose, to not go there.
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