WiseWomenUnite.com

i worked with a great woman yrs ago.  She said what she felt, did what she wanted and didn't get pulled into drama.  She was kind, loving and very fair and wise.  Everyone loved her.  In this instance, she would just say my child is allergic but we'd love to spend time with you.  She would pick the compromise, verbalize it, and mil could take it or leave it.
If the drama starts, walk away, don't listen, don't respond.  i know it's easy to say but such a release when you can do it and walk away.
Stay strong and good luck.  Husband will come around or he won't.  But your son will know that you stood up for him.
I am trying to do that now with my dil.  when we can't visit or they won't visit - oh well, their loss.  things seem to be better for me when i gave up the hand wringing and wishing for what i envisioned with my grandchildren.  When we see them we enjoy every minute and they do too.  We have moved into visits with my son and the kids without dil.  Love her, but it is much calmer without her watching us every minute and always in control.  Life moves forward and i try to keep the drama away.

i've been on both sides of mil issues.  my mil did and said whatever she wanted and my husband didn't stand up for me.  but i stood my ground and had arguments with her for years.  my kids, my hubby and myself always came first and she didn't like it much.
now my son has a family and my dil keeps us at arms distance, even though i don't interfere.  i go along to get along.  we miss out on a lot of the grandchildren's lives, but have learned to live with what we get.
stand up for your son!  he is your priority - depends on you.  maybe your husband will get his priorities straight, maybe not.  maybe counseling for your marriage?  it won't be easy, but it does get easier.  speak up for your baby and don't go to their house.

thanks for this bamboo2.  some great suggestions

thanks for looking at this from the outside.  great advice.  any other loan would be expected to be paid to the estate.
thanks to all

Hope that i can get some perspective and/or advice.  my dad passed away in january and we are just splitting up his and my mom's estate. i am the oldest and the executor.
my brother moved back home about 3 yrs ago when my dad started to have health problems. brother took care of bills, the house and just was there for my dad.  My father's retirement income covered all bills and brother paid for nothing.  just his own personal expenses. 
my younger sister borrowed money from my dad during this time.  She struggles to pay her bills - jobs in our area just don't pay for the cost of everything.
anyway..... now that things are about to be divided guess what is happening?  sis feels she shouldn't have to pay back her loans because brother got to live for basically "free" for 3 yrs.
i feel that dad made the arrangement with brother - he didn't ask him to pay rent or cover bills.  dad would have helped any of us financially. also, the fact that brother lived with dad was a great help and relief to me that dad had someone with him and helping him.
what do the wise women think?  both brother and sister are circling each other - totally believing that each is right.
i need to decide the fairest option.  and here i am with no loan, and no one covering my bills.  ironically ok with not screaming that this is unfair to me.
help please

sorry for your news lilly.  will keep u in my thoughts and prayers

Only worse thought is that maybe he DID stand up for us, and she cares so little for what even HE thinks that she STILL treats us this way.  Either way, her cold treatment of us has damaged our relationship with him. 

Which is so sad, as he was the cutest, sweetest little boy in the world.  I miss him.
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Monroe - hope i quoted you correctly.  this is exactly how i feel.  after yrs of cold DIL, our DS just goes along and tells me I'm wrong when i call her out.  so i have just given up and now keep my mouth shut.  but i do, always, miss the sweet boy and adult and the love that he showed to us before DIL took over.  will never understand the why

i am in the situation with my dil.  everything seemed good until the grandbabies came. now the claws come out.  she puts up roadblocks on most visits and contacts.  at this point, when we do get to visit or talk, i just act the best i can, never make negative comments or ask for more contact.  can't say i miss you - it's been so long - nothing.  anything sets her and my ds off.
just happy, happy mom and enjoy what i get and move along.  trying not to think of how long until we see them again.
her family?  always there - always involved.  why?  really believe it is jealousy.  her husband's family loses - her husband loses - her kids lose.
there are a whole bunch of people who love them and want to see them.
sorry for going on.
just be yourself with your mil - take what she gives as a relationship.  and decide if it hurts too much to move along......

bad enough not to be included but why did your son have to tell you about it the next day?  rubbing it in or just clueless?
i live through this too - sending you good wishes.   stay strong! 

just checking in to vent yet again.  ds and his family away for the wkend.  nice, right?  they traveled 300 miles and rented a place with friends.  good for them - glad they are having fun.
we live within an hour.  when we invite it is too much trouble - always an excuse.  too far, too hard to travel.  ALWAYS an excuse. 
just don't understand.
trying to keep that rope dropped.  but it still hurts when you get slapped.

lilly, i agree totally.  isn't it interesting that this site, wise women unite, is so much more supportive than another site i was involved with.
thought it was a support site for my new grand title and it is more supportive of the adult children's point of view and totally slams any idea that a good mom and/or whole family can get cut off for unknown reasons.
so grateful for the support and advice that i find here.

lilly - r u not invited or are u choosing not to go?   i know how hard it is to attend a group get together and most of the group ignores you, gives you eye rolls, or just baits you with loaded conversation.  sorry you are going through this and if it wasn't so important it wouldn't continue to hurt

thanks shiny and monroe.
my end game is playing out now - i hope i finally get it.
  i have a medical test scheduled and my ds did not call to offer caring or support.  dil wrote an email -" good job keeping up on things - let us know how it goes."  signed it "regards".  no love sent, no call received.
this should be my bowing out moment.  i need to stay strong. 

i DID try to talk to my ds.  he does not want to hear anything is a problem. i am being called a martyr and they don't understand why i think there is a problem.
trying to not contact.  finding myself caving and sending emails inviting visits or just saying u are on my mind.  don't get any phone calls and if i call no one calls back.  my heart is so broken.  finding it hard to stop.  maybe i need to break my computer and get rid of my phone.

how can a child drop someone who has loved and supported them for yrs?  know i will NEVER understand.  stilllearning - ur post helped immensely - want to be where you are

totally sad that it is "a woman thing".  jealousy - strong personalities - stubbornness - or just a woman's need to be appreciated?
too bad that since i am cut off and ignored the rest of the family gets left behind too -my hubby, my siblings, my other kids.  DS and DIL are cutting out a whole lot of people who want to spend time and love their children because of WHY?   so very sad.