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Messages - gettingoldandcranky

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At a loss of what to do
« on: March 07, 2017, 07:06:45 AM »
first of all, i would tell dil that you "love her greatly", as you said in your first post. it would be there, that's how you feel, and her choice to deal with it.  your son should hear it too.   i have lived thru years of dil problems.  i find when i don't participate when i am invited to, it is pointed out over and over - "you were invited, and you didn't come".  it is SO very hard to be there when i am uncomfortable - her mom is THE mom.  i am the outsider.  she is a member of their family.  we are not.  but, when the baby comes, the mission is to have a relationship with your grandchild.  anything you can get and whenever you can get it.  my husband and our extended family take whatever time we can get from my ds and dil.  it's the only way we are a part of my grandkids life.  sometimes dil is not bad - even loving.  other days, you can't cut the tension with a knife - then we cut the visit short.  unfortunately, the grandkids are picking up on her feelings and there have been times when they ask when they can leave a visit with us and go see other grandmom.  hurts. but where we are now, we put up with some things to love the grandkids. and my son can never say we didn't try

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: No change after 9 years
« on: January 10, 2017, 07:10:04 AM »
glad you are doing better with this sad situation.  glad your son is open to seeing you one on one.  too bad he doesn't have the courage to advocate for you with his wife. 

Grab Bag / Re: Thank you!
« on: December 24, 2016, 09:52:42 AM »
I just came here to say the same!  The support and insights are always shared when i come here flustered or bothered by something.  I love my wise women and am so very grateful for this site.  Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year to all.  May you all find comfort and love over these holiday weeks.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Holiday strategies?
« on: December 01, 2016, 05:49:32 AM »
"hope, dashed hope...repeat"    the dance of the left behind mil.  after coming out of a visit the thought runs through the head that maybe we'd be better off without the visits.  but then i think of seeing my grands and know that i need to suck it up for them.  always drama, always hurt.  my son cuts us off if we start to disagree with anything they say or do.  but he and dil can say whatever they want and do whatever they want and we listen and shake our heads.  all to not get cut off from the kids.  certainly not what i wanted.  such is life,huh?

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Holiday strategies?
« on: November 12, 2016, 09:04:14 AM »
Holidays were easy when my kids were young. Now?  not so much.  dil and ds are hot and cold when it comes to us. can never predict what will be.  last year i was told they would spend christmas with dil's mom because it's not fair to her that they come to us each year.  her mom does not celebrate christmas, by the way.  my response was that's fine, we will celebrate another day, just let us know what works for you.
miracle of miracles, last minute, they came to us to celebrate.
thanksgiving, my sister was to cook and host.  3 days before, she cancelled.  couldn't do it, too busy.
this year i am planning both holidays at my house.  whoever comes, comes.  hope for all to be there - expect they will.  but if not, life will continue.  decision made -

welcome!  have the same issues here with dil.  what bothered me also was when you said granddaughter said something.  my fear is that the grands hear or feel the dislike from dil and pick up on that with their relationship with us.  no need for the jealousy and it does impact what should be a loving relationship with all - grands, son and wife.  so sad

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: helping financially
« on: September 29, 2016, 11:08:08 AM »
thanks wise women!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / helping financially
« on: September 27, 2016, 11:25:36 AM »
I have been struggling with this for a while and am posting for wise advice.  DS has mentioned that they are having financial concerns, living from paycheck to paycheck. 
My husband and i had sent him a set amount every month before ds and dil had even started their family, they have 2 children now.  DIL never acknowledges any gifts - birthday, anniversary, even christmas presents.  I only see the cashed checks.  DS mentioned the monthly checks when i started sending them, but never acknowledged again.  After the first baby, in conversations, we learned that DIL was paying bills for her mom who doesn't work consistently but does have a home, car, and also travels.  So, DS and DIL are paying out some of their income to cover her mom's bills.  SO, i stopped the monthly checks.  Why should i help pay her mom's bills?  DS never asked why the checks stopped.
Now, they are having a hard time again and i feel bad not helping.  I don't like to see my son stressed out and we can afford to help. But the idea that our money would be supporting her mom makes me angry and not want to be involved.
I know this seems like a no brainer, we've had years of relationship problems with DIL and her mom, but it just seems i should just help again and let him sort it out.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Dreading Wedding
« on: August 10, 2016, 07:40:37 AM »
Glad you made it through.  Relief on the other side, right?  Every encounter is a new adventure.  We never know how others come into a situation or how we are feeling that moment affects us.  After many years of hurt with dil and son, i try to go with best intentions and high hopes.  Seems like they are trying now too.  Just keep moving forward and hope for the very best!

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Dreading Wedding
« on: August 04, 2016, 12:06:50 PM »
hope that all went well, kimmie.  followup when you can?

Used to love holidays but now dread them. Hard to see families together with happy pictures and lovely gifts and i would be happy if the phone rang.  Just overwhelmed with sadness again

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Abandon by son
« on: December 15, 2015, 07:19:09 AM »
we went through similar situation with my son.  hurt many time, and badly, before backing away to save myself.  as time passes, things seem to be getting better.  not exactly what i planned or wanted.  but we spend time together.  we don't talk much - seems strange because he and i were always so close.  but at least we spend time with his children.  try not to dwell on things and hope for the changes to happen!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: To Gift or Not to Gift
« on: December 15, 2015, 07:13:31 AM »
i would also suggest a "couples" gift.  gift card, floral arrangement, food platter.
my mom always told us "do the right thing" and, over the yrs i have learned to do what makes me feel good about my choice of what to do.
good luck with your decision.

Grab Bag / Re: dividing an estate
« on: December 09, 2015, 07:47:17 AM »
updating this issue.  now my brother wants to buy my sister's and my share for the house that my parents owned.  he is only offering 20,000.  the house is valued at 120,000.
he also is not allowing us to enter the house by keeping the screen doors locked and not opening the house to my sister or i.
i just went to a lawyer yesterday to start the probate process.  the only options he had for me was to contact my brother and give him a 30 day notice to move out.
i feel so guilty about that.  he is a single guy, did have a drinking problem yrs ago.  he had moved away for a few years but then moved back in with my father.
i have an obligation to get the best price for the house for my sister's share of the estate (also for my share).  but i hate the idea that he will be forced to move out of the house and i might never see him again.  i know he will be hurt and angry.
he will not communicate with either my sister or i and i know that i have no other choice, but it is making me feel so terrible.  my parents would be so sad to see this happen.
any thoughts or advice?

Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents / Re: Controlling MIL
« on: November 14, 2015, 07:28:41 AM »
i worked with a great woman yrs ago.  She said what she felt, did what she wanted and didn't get pulled into drama.  She was kind, loving and very fair and wise.  Everyone loved her.  In this instance, she would just say my child is allergic but we'd love to spend time with you.  She would pick the compromise, verbalize it, and mil could take it or leave it.
If the drama starts, walk away, don't listen, don't respond.  i know it's easy to say but such a release when you can do it and walk away.
Stay strong and good luck.  Husband will come around or he won't.  But your son will know that you stood up for him.
I am trying to do that now with my dil.  when we can't visit or they won't visit - oh well, their loss.  things seem to be better for me when i gave up the hand wringing and wishing for what i envisioned with my grandchildren.  When we see them we enjoy every minute and they do too.  We have moved into visits with my son and the kids without dil.  Love her, but it is much calmer without her watching us every minute and always in control.  Life moves forward and i try to keep the drama away.

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