WiseWomenUnite.com

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Thank you for you post! What a long journey and how amazing you are to have found peace. Your post will inspire many. I am deeply touched by your willingness to share it with us. Hugs...

Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website.


We can't give advice here, none of us are professionals, but we can listen and share our experience. If we have none that is similar, we can guess what we might do. (?)


My guess is that the first thing I would have to do would be to share my concerns with my husband, so we could move ahead together to reclaim our home. No one has ever 'made' me do something. I have seen myself as always having a choice although I have lived to regret some of them. When I make a mistake it is hard to back-paddle but it's the only way I know of to set things straight. If I don't, I'm condoning what is happening and can't blame it on others. I hope you will hear from other members. No two responses are ever alike. Sending hugs[size=78%]...[/size]

Welcome, K. We ask all of our new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website. I made two changes in your post to keep to our standards. Also, please consider changing your user name so there is no clue in it as to your identity. Remaining anonymous is what works best here. It is my Website, so I go by my own name. That's the only exception.


I found with my eldest son that his teens brought me 'enemy status'. Nothing had changed...but he did. I didn't understand back then that it wasn't my fault and I couldn't fix it.


I spent a long time in 'why' when there wasn't one...and defending myself to myself as though I was on trial. What finally surfaced for me was that I was choosing to be his victim and I could choose otherwise. I let him know that my home wasn't open to anyone focused on abusing me. I explained that I had a right to the sanctity of my own home. I also said it was very clear that living there didn't work for him and it was simply time for him to find something that did.


That wasn't what I wanted but I knew I was going to have to create my own solution and inner peace. My son wasn't going to contribute to that. I slowly moved through self-pity to self-respect. For me, they were very different. I sought friends and family that were supportive and activities that brought me joy. Slowly I healed.


Everyone here has a different story. We are here to listen and the share. We can't give advice but we can care. Hugs

Welcome, S. We ask all new members to go to out HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention the the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.


What I learned with my son, is that what he did was about him not me. It was quite a revelation and I hated how helpless I felt. He was starting to make his own choices and imagining him learning from them...or not...was horrible for me. I had to grieve and then get past self-pity. There was no other way for me. I nearly got stuck there. I'm so thankful I found my way out of it and learned I wasn't dependent on him for my life to work. I learned, eventually, to create my own peace and joy...but it took a long time. I deserved it and I believe you do, too.


Others may have a different take on this. That's what a Forum is for. I hope you find something here that helps. Hugs...

Welcome, O. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website.


I used to believe others could make us do something but in my relationships I find that to be a denial of responsibility. For instance, your son could have ignored the ultimatum given to him and continued on living in a war-zone, some do. Perhaps he opted for peace in his home and a peaceful environment for his children, as well as himself. Would you wish him otherwise?


My take with my own family has come to the place where, as adults...whether directly related or in laws, I  feels that they get to be who and how they are. Through the years, I have decided my job is to make my own decisions around my own sense of value and well being. It works better for me if I don't have any expectations that others will have the same perceptions...since they often don't.


And again from my own experience, which is the only place I can write from, my life hasn't never been fair. That's the nature of life.


None of the above may be pertinent to you. It's just all I have to offer beyond my interest and caring which are sincere. Hugs...

Yes, for me it was years before I didn't have an occasional Venting Day. At first every day was one, then as I turned toward what I wanted to create for myself and spent less time experiencing what others attempted to create for me...I started to get 'breathers' from what Still Learning so aptly calls 'the abyss'. Now, it's a 'Once Upon a Time' story and I'm free! Love you guys...

Your follow-up post of yesterday makes it clear that your situations are way beyond our scope. Our hearts go out to you, P. However, none of us here are professionally trained. We share our garden-variety experience and sometimes it helps others. We are too generic to be able to offer support in crisis, or where there has been violence, or where law enforcement has been involved. Those, often need one-on-one counseling and intervention by highly trained people.


You deserve more, P. Please don't give up finding it. We believe you can turn things around and find the peace that goes with drawing an imaginary line beyond you parenting years and the rest of your life. This thread is being closed for all of the reasons stated above...our deep caring continues.

Hi, r., Oh, I know the feeling. Have tripped over my 'garden variety' expectations many times. I do know that, for me, where I focus is my experience of life. For that reason, I refuse to give my thoughts 'equal time'.


50 to me is incredibly young...since I am 91. Hugs, dear friend...

Welcome, P. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWF is a fit for you, we are a monitored Website.


And thank you for your kind words about WWU! We've been around for ten years. I'm 91 and my son is our Webmaster.


We will wait to comment until you feel your initial post is complete. Hugs...

Welcome, D. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.


What I learned way too slowly was that my biological role was completed when my children became 'adults'. (I use the term loosely.) It was time for me to keep my wisdom to myself, encourage them to move out and make sure they knew there was no moving back in. That's what my parents did and when my children became parents, that's what they did. Tough love.


It's the beginning of the task of making their own choices and learning from the consequences, or not. I had been there for them with support and answers for so long that my identity was tied up in that and I found it extremely difficult. As a result I went through a lot of denial and self-pity...but/and it worked. They have found their own way and I have found that there is life after parenting. I still see pitfalls and sometimes have a hard time keeping my mouth shut because I have lived longer and am still wiser...or think I am. However, we have become wonderful friends. Now, since I  am 91, our roles are starting to reverse. I find that amazing! For instance, my youngest son, 63, is our Webmaster.


We have a category on this Website that contains 'Resources' where you will find recommended books and there's also a vast archive of posts to refer to that are brimming with wisdom and compassion. We've been around for ten years.


Hope this helps.

Dear 'Doing My Best': This site has no counselors. We are not professionals in any sense of the word and can't offer advice. We just share similar experiences with each other. The depth of your issues are beyond this Website. I feel in my heart that you need someone you can work with one-o-one. Please seek that kind of help as soon as you possibly can. I am closing this thread and hope that you understand our limitations. This isn't rejection, it is deep caring. Hugs...Luise

Welcome, G!


I finally learned with my two sons that I had given them my best and once they reached 'adulthood' it was their time to make their own choices. Just like it was when I reached adulthood, myself, (or thought I had), it was their time to learn or not learn from the consequences of their choices. Their paths. Their lives. My sons seemed torn between wanting me to fix it and hating me because I didn't (couldn't.) I kept trying to make sense of the senseless and got stuck there for along time.


My job was to get that my biological role was done and anything I did further would only confuse the issue. It took what seemed like ages to get that and I needed the help of a counselor to make it, which I highly recommend. There is life on the other side of parenting. Whew...! Hugs

Yes, please change your User Name unless it is not your own.

I didn't do anything like what you have done when my grandchildren were little, but I still got stuck in my own expectations and didn't realize they were mine, not my DS and DIL's. In being the best mom I could, like most moms I put myself second for so many years that I didn't see myself deserving more as a grandmother. Eventually, self-respect won and I got unstuck. Hugs and hang in there!.,

Progress of great magnitude! You matter and you deserve peace and fulfillment. Many of us here have found there is life beyond parenting and have accepted that we can't 'make sense of the senseless'. Putting our well-being into the hands of those who have no respect is something we can reverse! Good for you!

What a lift this thread has given me! Wow! Thanks so much B! I was so impressed when you started out with a title that  described taking responsibility for how you felt! So often, there can be a long period of blaming others before reaching that point. There was for me. Good on 'ya!