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Messages - luise.volta

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Welcome, S. I think the hardest thing for me in raising my two sons was to get when they left the nest, that my parenting was done. My expectations were that I would always be included in their lives, useful and revered. As they moved into the beginnings of adulthood, they saw themselves as full-blown adults. (I did the same thing, but I forgot that.)

I honestly didn't get that they needed to make their own choices and face the consequences...or not. I had guided them since birth, protected them to the best of my ability and saw my biological role and what I had learned as still in place and of value.

Whoa! What a ride! My heart goes out to you...

Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« on: October 04, 2017, 09:46:04 PM »
Yes, K., that's a saying where I live. And...I had never thought of how rich I would be if I had spent my money more wisely. Whoa!

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« on: October 04, 2017, 09:36:03 PM »
K, I think we have all pretty much had our say here and if venting helped that's a good thing from my point of view. However, 'taking what you want and leaving the rest' is the way we have stayed out of becoming defensive and having it lead to a debate. I think it's time to close this thread and move on. If you disagree then there are Websites that aren't monitored where debate is supported. Here's hoping things get better for you.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At my wits end
« on: October 02, 2017, 06:23:38 AM »
That's what were here for, M. We all have our good days as well as the other kind since there is no such thing as perfection. When the next Newbie arrives you will be here to greet her. And, yes, we're all Newbies when something new hits us...or even something old, disguised as new. Hugs...

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« on: September 29, 2017, 09:10:18 PM »
I have learned that for me the 'He said...she did' thing just doesn't work. I think it's called triangulation but I'm not sure. I spent way too long not realizing that I was experiencing upsets that weren't mine.  Finally I got to a place where I said: "That's not something you need to talk to me about. You need to accept it our talk to _____" For me, that works not only with my extended family but with friends and acquaintances. They usually stop because they know how I am going to respond. If they continue...I simply say I'm not going there.

If I am asked...'What do you think...or don't you agree', I smile and pull and imaginary zipper across my mouth. I, too, feel that adulthood and a new relationship is where we all learn...or don't and it's private.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At my wits end
« on: September 29, 2017, 08:49:28 PM »
How I love all of my 'kids'! That's you guys!  :)

Welcome, Jennifer9. I have had the experience, too, of having my focus be about a situation I couldn't do anything about. In the end, that became my life and took all of my energy. I had very simple expectations and it took me way to long to get that they were of no interest to my son and daughter in law. In an attempt to stay connected to my grandchildren, I submitted to verbal abuse and cruel treatment. I had to have some counseling to learn that by staying in that pathology, I was teaching my grandchildren that mistreatment of elders was acceptable behavior. It took a while before I was able to let go of my expectations and totally remove myself from the 'game'. I wanted to stay in a relationship with my grandsons at all cost, so my dreams of resolution kept me hooked. In counseling I learned that I had the right to make the choice to continue, if I could gracefully accept what it was costing me and find a way to function in a healthy and joyful way. I couldn't. Eventually, I totally removed myself from all of it without anger, just honestly stating that I couldn't remain in contact.

Now my grandsons are grown. One is aloof. However the other one has established a wonderful relationship with me and has thanked me many times for my sacrifice. He is the eldest and could see that things were better at home after the battles ceased. Hugs...

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Starting to find acceptance
« on: August 30, 2017, 11:25:10 AM »
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

Sometimes members find writing out their situation and sharing it to be helpful. No two are alike, really. We are here as you have found out by reading our archives and current posts, to create and maintain a supportive community. I started WWU nearly a decade ago when I realized my original Website brought more issues about adult children and extended families than any other subject. I am 90 now and have three wonderful Moderators helping me out. Glad to have you aboard!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Two years later...
« on: August 29, 2017, 09:17:30 AM »
What a wonderful report, Pen! Hugs...

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Two years later...
« on: August 26, 2017, 08:20:31 AM »
Wonderful to hear from you, Bamboo. Your progress is so heartening. We all have to learn as our adult children learn. No one prepares us for this and perhaps that's because it has to be lived. My elder son never forgave me for my humanness, my youngest, our Webmaster, never held it against me. Some of that is about me, for sure, and...some of it has to be about them. Looking back I'm not sure it matters. What matters may be moving through it and out the other side. We get to learn and grow, too! Hugs...

You're welcome. I love my WWU family!  :D

Welcome. T. It took me a long, long time to get that it was my son's job to make sense of his life, not mine. I didn't see my mothering ending when he left home and had no idea that I had fulfilled my biological role. His maturing, his making sense his childhood and parents, his take on his strengths and weaknesses were what was and is called growing up. A mother can't pick up an adult child and carry him/her through adulthood. Adult children have to make choices and learn from them...or not.

My eldest son got stuck in blaming me. It was so much easier. And I have to admit I got stuck in accepting his take on my many imperfections.

I was shocked when I finally got that my job was done and it was time for me to have a life. That may be true of many of us. What? Really?

Please know that all of us here listen and we all care and share. Hugs...

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
« on: August 13, 2017, 01:09:21 PM »
Congrats, M. No, it isn't easy but you have worked with DS and opened a door. That's a huge accomplishment for both of you!

Grandchildren / Re: Mother in law treated better thsn maternial mother
« on: August 05, 2017, 06:24:11 PM »
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure it's a fit for you, we are a monitored Website.

I haven't had the issue are facing but it you look in our achieves, you will find many threads written about this from both viewpoints. Balance without favoritism isn't very common, it seems. I'm sure you will find support here. Hugs...

Grandchildren / Re: Alienated Grandparents
« on: August 04, 2017, 07:34:59 PM »
Awww... :D

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