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Good Morning Ladies,

Sorry I was MIA. One of my furbabies is ill and I didn't even get on the computer yesterday.       I just re-read the responses I got prior to going to visit.  It just really amazes and saddens me that so many of us can relate to these issues. 

I also re-read my post and I saw that I wrote we did mention the money.  Acutally, we didn't mention the money.  We could have countered her "you didn't say hello" with a "you didn't even utter a word of thanks for paying your rent", but we didn't.  I purposely didn't for two reasons.  #1 I didn't want to throw it up in DS's face that we gave him money.  I don't like when people do something for you and then constantly tell you about it.  I think saying something would have discouraged DS from every asking for help again.  #2, everyone present already knew, even FDIL.  I think it made us seem more mature and resonable.


Doe, I'm glad I went.  You wrote be polite and respectful, and perhaps we weren't respectful by not saying hello.  Although if I had known she would use that as an excuse to blow up, I would have said something.  It sounds like we entered rudely, but it really did not go that way.  She just wanted a reason and I'm actually glad it turned out that way because we all talked later.

Pam1, my FDIL scares me too.  She also scares my mother.  My mom actually thinks she's dangerous.  You've no idea how much I don't want to be around her.  But the funniest thing is that she kept saying that we were never going to be close, never going to be friends.  I have no idea why she seems to think I'm so desperate to be her friend.  I know that when we were on pleasant terms I told her that I always imagined I would be close to my son's wives and that they would become the daughters I never had.  At one time I had that hope for her, but it's long gone now.  When I told her I didn't want to be her friend, she was shocked!  And I don't want to be her friend, but I do want to know my GD. So I will be as respectful and cordial to FDIL as I have to be.   It's like taking Buckley's cough syrup.  It's awful going down, but the end result is worth it.

Tryingmybest, Spot on!!!  What you wrote was exactly what I was thinking, and exactly what happened!

LL- I feel a bit of guilt when I read the post that contain respectful.  It was not respectful not to speak to her.  Although it wasn't as rude as it sounds, and FDIL didn't need to react as badly as she did.  It is true that we should have uttered a greeting.  However, I still think she would have found something else to blow up about.  I believe that she understood when both hubby and I tried to explain why we didn't go out of our way to say hello.  It's not like we walked right past her, or looked in her face and ignored her.  We just instantly doted on the baby.

Lillycache, I do believe that DS will be allowed to bring GD over in the future since our talk.  FDIL had said she couldn't come because of a picture I had of DS and his prom date from HS.  When FDIL moved in for a year I put it away.  After the big blow up and when they moved out, I put it back.  The picture is beautiful and one of my favorites of DS.  FDIL rarely visits and she treats me badly, so I didn't see any reason not to display my picture in my home.  It was in my guestroom.  FDIL apparently had an issue that I knew nothing about because GD being allowed to visit me at my home is contingent to my agreeing to getting rid of the picture.  I agreed. We'll see what happens.

So sorry you didn't get to see your YGS until he was 16 months.  That's so sad that you missed so much. It is a crying shame that we have to go into combat to remain parents and grandparents.  If it were up to FDIL not only wouldn't I see GD but I wouldn't see DS either.  She resents our relationship.  I don't understand why because although it's better, it still nothing to be jealous of.  DS and I keep in touch but we aren't buddies.

I love that Maya Angelou guote.  It's true that FDIL has shown me who she is.  But a part of me understands how she got that way. When we were pleasant and used to talk she told me some very sad stories about the adults in her life, including both parents.  I think she just has a dislike for adutls and thinks that most are terrible people who just hurt and let you down.  Those who don't, those who are nice...Well, they're phoney.

I don't know what's going to happen with FDIL and DS. As much as I dislike her I don't want them to split.  I don't want them to stay in a unhappy relationship either.  I just hope they can truly resolve their issues, be happy and remain a family.  I know that that may not happen. 

Pooh, Isn't it something to think of your child's home as hostile territory?  We were a bit uncomfortable but we were not prepared for the attack.  Never in my life have I been thrown out of anywhere!  DH said that he wanted to tell her to get out and the the place was ours for the rest of the month, LOL. 

Luise, I'm so thankful that I have three DS. When DS and I had our issues it had me scratching my head wondering if I may have forgotten how terrible I must have been to make him treat me like that.  I thought I was pretty darn good!  Thankfully the other two validated my feelings and told that I was pretty darn good and that they believed the issues were simply DS's issues.  I'm grateful you have youngest DS, our webmaster , to make you feel like the greatest mom we all know you are! 

Pooh...Ouch...I know that hurts  Although, I was allowed to know about the pregnancy saw sonogram picutures, and have pretty much been kept in the loop, I still doubt that I'll have a true grandma relationship with this baby.  YS and FDIL told me first!  They already live with us with my soon to be 1 year old grand daughter.  I know I will be involved with everything, even present at delivery.  One baby cannot replace another, but how blessed are we that we will still get to be grandmas!  

So, I haven't called or texted DS since that night.  I dont want to smother him.  DH said that we will not be going over for another visit.  I think that's the right thing for right now.  Or course, if we're invited we would be go, but we certainly won't be asking.  I don't think we have any worries because I don't feel like we'll be getting an invitation any time soon.  And you know what??? I'm okay with that.

I checked DS facebook page Tuesday and saw that FDIL was completely removed. 

Oh well, better get to work. 

Hugs 

First my sincerest apologies to Luise and all the other wise ladies. Sorry about the language. I used poor judgement in trying to relate how verbally abusive she was toward us.

As always you ladies are wise. I would never say anything against FDIL to DS. I think that my netural position has helped us reach the place we are today. In fact, I've tried to convince them that family is important and they should work it out. That wasn't a ploy, I really mean that. There is a baby involved and she deserves two, loving parents. Now it may not work, but they owe it to themselves and that baby to try.

I'm on my IPhone and it too hard to write all I want to wrote. Will write more as soon as o get to a computer.

Thanks for all the wisdom.

WHOA Ladies!!!!!   It was unbelievable!!! OMG.

So hubby and I arrive and we call son first. We didn't even venture to ring the doorbell.  He came down and got us.  He walked into the apartment first and we followed.  FDIL was sitting in a rocker with her back to us.  I peered over her shoulder and saw that the little one was sleeping.  Well, my heart just melted.  This is only the second time I've ever seen here and the first time seeing her in her baby tee shirt.  She was amazing to behold.  I said to Hubby, "Oh, the little one is sleeping."  I asked darling son if she just went to sleep, he replied yes.  I didn't even consider holding her while she was sleeping in her mother's arms. DS asked us to sit and I did. He went toward the baby and she gave her to him.  He handed me the baby.  I didn't decline this time.  She stayed sleeping,  making little facing and squirming a lot.  I held her for a while and then passed her to hubby because I wanted to take pictures.  Well, he sat there glazing at her and chuckling when she made her baby faces. She opened her eyes a few times.  I took pictures and touched her legs, her feet, her tiny hands....All the while FDIL appears to be texting.  DS is sitting across from her.  They exchange a few facial expressions.......without warning about 15 or 20 minutes into the visit she jumps up and screams at him.

"I can't believe you aren't going to say something!!!!  They walk into my house and they don't even speak to me?!!!!  Who does that???"  Well, she does. I always speak to her first when she comes to my home, but that besides the point.  Truth is after the 21 nasty text, being constantly told how phoney I am, I did not utter a greeting.  In hindsight I should have, but I don't think it was that serious.  This is the same person who didn't even thank us for the $1000 rent check.

She grabbed the baby from my husband, stormed into their bedroom and very loudly told DS she wanted us to get out of her house now!!!!  We got up to depart.  DS looked appalled and said it was his house too and to please stay.  We told him that we felt it best to leave and we left.

We were in the car and had begun to drive away when DS chased us down and asked that we return. He said he wanted to squash this now and that he couldn't go on like this.  We reluntantly went back and DS said that we were all going to end this now.  FDIL apologized to my hubby, (it's me she hates).  She ranted and raved about how terrible I am.  How I try to control DS, how I'm rude and disrespectful, how I am sacrastic and phoney.  You name it, I'm the scum of the earth.  She couldn't name anything specific, but it was how I made her feel.  She felt like I made DS lie to me which makes her life hard.  DS said to blame him because I didn't know he was telling me lies. We rarely talk so I don't know what lies she was talking about but she did make him admit that her mother has been by to see the baby everyday and can come whenever she wants. DS had said only once, on the day she came home.  He admited that he sometimes tells me lies so I won't feel hurt.  I actually thought that was sweet.  DS told her to say her peace because we needed to end this because it was making him sick.  That's when she told him he could get the out.  He insisted that we were going to talk.  We let her speak first. I didn't say a word.

DH spoke next. The first thing he did was say she was right.  We should have spoken when we entered her home.  He apologized and said we were wrong to do that.  Then he said that his grand daughter was in the room and this needed to stop.  He said other things, but this post would be too long to list everything.

Finally, I was asked to speak.  I didn't want to say anything.  I've tried defending myself in the past and it's never helped.  I was brief. I told her that she came in fighting and she's still fighting.  I told her that she has a hatred toward me that I don't understand.  I said that I've tried my best to be nice to her.  I asked her if being nice means you have to be phony?  I mentioned the money.  I did address not speaking to her.  I told her that she had sent me 21 nasty text and I don't know how to approach her.  I admitted that I didn't speak, but I said that I thought you would respect more instead of me being phoney and acting like nothing ever happened.  She actually seemed to understand that.

She kept saying that we were never going to be close, or friends.  When it was my turn I told her that I don't want to be her friend.  She seemed shocked.  Somehow I think she believed I wanted to be her BFF.

Anyhoo...she and DS are not doing well.  I gave them the family speech about not letting outside forces destroy them and their beautiful new family.  I told them to remember they love each other and to work it out.  I ended it with "Family is the most important thing in the world. Work it out."  I said more that that the the most important stuff.

We left.  DS called later to check on me.  He told me that they were going to seperate for a while.  I advised against that.

Well, that's it in a nutshell.

Thanks for all the comments ladies. I'll respond to them in a little while.

HUgs

Trying and New Mama....I'm going!!!!    For exactly the reasons you gave.  And because I do want to see my grand daughter.  If I don't go she'll use it against us and somehow make it that we didn't really care in the first place.  Nope, we are going.  Now to tell the hubby!

Thanks ladies...I truly adore you all.

Thanks TMB....I am leaning toward going. 

LOL, wacky-doodle...LOVED that.  Made me laugh for the first time today. Sadly, my FDIL was wacky-doodle before the pregnancy hormones.  She came in fighting and looks like she's going out that way.  She had problems with me from the very beginning.  I always told son that it saddened me that he would pick someone who was against his family.  I told him that when you fall in love they are suppose to add to the family...In addition to...Not...instead of.  He didn't listen.  I think he wishes he had now.  Not only is she trying to keep him from his family, he doesn't even have a relationship with her family.  He's miserable.

Thanks for the words of advice LL. I don't think it's her hormones.  I think it's her insecuritiies.  I believe that she feels if he's alienated from his family he'll never leave her.  She wants him to be totally dependent on her.  It's amazing you should say that your FDIL somehow made it seem as if she were more of a parent then him.  My FDIL is doing the same thing.  I feel like it's her baby and DS is just around.  If he truly felt like an equal parent we would have been allowed to visit just as her mother is allowed to visit.  Not sure if I've ever mentioned that my DS and her mother don't get along and he's not welcome in her home. 

In FDIL 21 texts she made sure to point out that her mother could come see the baby whenever she wanted.  DS said he saw some of her texts (she deleted some of the bad stuff, but he asked to see it and I sent it) and he was so upset that the ugliness that he punched a hole in the wall.  He told her that she was making him ill and that it had to stop.  We'll see what happens.  I just don't want to get hurt.  I can't control him, but I have some control over me. 

I don't think FDIL will ever come around.  Even if she did, her moods change like the tide. I don't trust letting myself care for her again.  I only have two cheeks, thank you very much.  She kicked both of them.

Thank you so much for the support.     Pen,  as much as I wanted to respond to her text I knew it would be better to send nothing.  I had already asked her nicely to not contact me again with negative texts.  When I wrote to DS I told him that I was not going to respond to her and that she had been told this already. Pen, you are so right that anything I would have written would have added to the drama. 


DOE, while I was writing this repsonse I got a call from DS. Yep, he knows he's in a pickle.  He called me from therapy.  He really sounds fed up.  He apologized for her again.  Even said that her mother said she was wrong for keeping the baby from us.  We got an invitation to see her today, but I don't know how I feel about that.  I was in a very bad place yesterday.  I'm almost embarrassed about how low I let this get me.  My son brought me food and told me I had to eat.  I read the "I love you forever" book at least four times.  My sweet FDIL even went and got me a card and wrote how much she loved me and to please cheer up.  I was a mess.  I don't want to give her that power again. I'm okay today.  I don't want to lose another day like yesterday.

I don't know what to do!!!! Should we go?

Thanks for the love and support Luise....it means so much!

...because FDIL decided that she didn't want us to see the baby.  Even went to the trouble of sending 21 texts which I didn't respond to.  I've come to the conclusion that FDIL has some mental issues.  DS agrees as well.  The reason I feel this is because she is all over the place.  This is the person who will text me how much she doesn't like me and a week later, ask me to pick something up for her since I'm "so good at finding things".  This is the same FDIL who calls me when she has issues with DS...but sends me texts on how phony I am.  Same FDIL who was coming over every weekend with DS and who called me to let me know what was going on with DS when he was in the hospital.  She's also the same person who had no problem cashing our $1000 check just two days prior to the baby's birth,  to cover the rent so she would have a place to bring the baby to. She's confusing to say the least. 

So yesterday morning at 2:50 am she starting a series of 21 texts on how much she doesn't like me, how we will never be friends and how she doesn't want her daughter anywhere around me because I would tell the baby terrible things about her.  I truly believe she would benefit from medication. 

I didn't even respond.  I simply texted DS that she sent more negative stuff and if we could still see the baby.  We didn't hear from him until way later and he was truly upset.  He sounded miserable and I honestly felt sorry for him.  I told him that the most important thing was for him to keep peace in his home and enjoy his baby. I explained that while we were saddened that we are not allowed to see our first grandchild that we would be okay. 

So I cried my little heart out and stayed in bed for the entire day.  His younger brother, the only one he still gets along with, the one who DS has always soon love and admiration toward was angry with DS.  Truly angry.  He said he didn't care what FDIL has written, he wanted to see what his brother was going to do. When he learned that DS was not doing anything, he said that he's lost all respect for him.  He even used some French to describe his feelings toward both of the.  I didn't tell this to DS because I knew it would only futher upset him. 

So, yesterday I mourned the grandchild I would never know.  She's not dead, thank God.  She's healthy and I'm sure she'll be happy.  She just won't know us.  Sad and difficult as it was it didn't kill me.  I'm still here.  And I still have many wonderful blessings!

Have a great day ladies!!!

Good Morning Ladies,

  I have to say that I was so pleased to see these responses this morning. Things got very busy at work yesterday and I didn't get to check back often.  You WW are simply the best. Where else could I write something like that and receive such support and understanding? 

Thanks for saying that Didi. Lost    It made me  smile to know that there's another mother out there who forgets her son's birthday, LOL. I'm glad that you accept and understand your MIL as well....so sending blessings right back at you! 

Thanks Luise!  It was a process but we made it.

Dear Ruth... I don't know what to say.  You're reply made me feel good from head to toe..THANKS SO MUCH!!!

LL you made LOL.  Thanks for sharing your "nutty" friend.  She gave me a laugh and warmed my spirit all at the same time.

Beth, it is so true that it hurts when even when we are willing, ready and able to accept them, they still reject us.  Sadly, those are the ones that we should leave behind knowing in our hearts that we did all we could.  It's sad but it's there issue and has no bearing on the wonderful person that you are.

Thanks Pooh and Footloose. You are both wonderful!

HUGS to all of the WW here!

I don't know if I ever mentioned that a very long time ago I did not like my MIL.  We had a major falling out and I wasn't allowed in her home for about a year.  Well, hubby and I got married and were expecting GS number one and it was if the fallout had never happened.  We never mentioned it again and we sort of got along, but I still didn't like her.  Even when she treated me decent I decided to dislike her for things she had done to DH in the past.  Mind you, he was fine with it.  MIL had taken him to live with his grandmother at the age of 5, placed him on a swing and didn't see him until ten years later.  I thought that was terrible.  Forget that he said had a happy childhood with his GM and that he still loved his mother.  Anyhoo....I tried to let it go and to like MIL.  She was a okay grandma to our boys for a few years.  But that changed when she got foster children.  She almost forgot that she had grandchildren.  No more birthdays for them, but she threw parties for the FC.  If we told her she missed a birthday she would reach in her purse and hand them a $20 bill, no card, no cake, no nothing.  They were just children.  We went over there every Christmas and usually the kids got enough to make them happy.  But after a while they would only get socks and underwear while the FC got what appeared to be the contents of a small toy store.  Oh, it made my blood boil to see their hurt and disappointed faces.  Still I said nothing...at least to her.  DH got a ear full.  The years went by the boys got older...they love her, she loves them but they aren't close like me and my grandma.

But in her defense she is who she is.  She's never been the loving, thoughtful and nurturing type.  She doesn't even remember the birthday of her one and only child.  But if we need her she's there for us.  She has her own very full life, but she checks on us every few weeks.  She's a special kind of person but I've grown to love her.  We talk, laugh and get along.  She's always giving me something she can no longer wear, or something she got me because she got herself one. 

She's never been a wonderful grandparent or even a wonderful parent, but she is there and she is family.  DH related to her the events of our first GD and how we felt excluded and how hurt I was.  Well, bless her heart....she called me to tell me not to be upset and that I shouldn't worry about seeing the grandchild at all.  She basically said if I see the baby that's great, but if not life goes on.  She said babies are no big deal and that she'll (FDIL) will need me before I need her.  I wasn't surprised by this or even offended.  That is just her way. I'm not sure how she was raised or what her family life was like.  In her own way, strange as it was, she was reaching out to comfort me.  In those harsh and insensitive words she expressed to me that she was showing me love and support.  And I appreciated it.

Nope, she wont' get any awards.  You should know that this is the same woman that told me that we should have just put our dog to sleep when he needed costly hip surgery (hubby said he'd sooner put her to sleep, lol) The same woman who still hasn't realized that she missed her son's birthday....again.  It was June 6th, and he's a little ticked, lol. This is the same MIL who never came to the hospital when any of her GC were born and who only had the oldest one over night one time.  But she did reach out to me and give me an emotional hug....bless her heart.  It's been 28 years and I understand her and I love her very much.

Well, just wanted to share that.

Hugs WW

Just had to post how much I loved that comment LL.  Beautiful!!!

The kind and intelligent Luise called it a draw. Thus, I will not utter another single word out of respect to a woman I hold in very high regard!

Let's all please just try to get along.  To make this place ugly would be to tarnish the efforts of the lovely lady who brought us all together.  With all sincerity, please lets just call it a draw. 

LL- I have read some very painful post from the other ladies here and know that my situation is far from the worst...but...THANK YOU so much for your post.  Sometimes it's really comforting to recieve support from someone who knows what you are feeling and give those feelings validation.  I know that I am blessed and I will try to have that relationship. But I just don't want to do so if it causes problems between DS and FDIL. 

LOL, Pooh.. Thanks for the laugh.  We should all try to laugh.  Hmm...what colors do you suppose cranky pants are?  Probably vomit orange, LOL.

Thanks so much for those kinds words Pooh, and thanks for understanding how I may be afraid.  I don't want to be.  I suppose you'd truly have to be there to know where I was coming from.  If her entry into the world was a indication of how I'm going to welcomed into her life, I'm afraid I'm not going to be nearly as close to her as I would have liked.  Time will tell, but I must protect my heart.

Thanks you so much for your kind words Footloose....I appreciate it.     I'm used to Scoop.  I don't think she's ever written anything kind or supportive to me.  It bothered me in the beginning but not anymore. 

Scoop this was my first grandchild.   I think I handled the situation wonderfully.  And I'll tell you why.

1. I didn't rush to the hospital as I knew our presence would upset FDIL. 

2.  Nor did I call or text during this time as I knew this was their special moment. That was difficult because since I was not there I certainly would have loved to at least have updates about the pending birth of my very first grandchild.

3. No one said he should have called the minute after. Why must you exaggerate in order to make your point? However, I did expect to be notified as a grandmother should have, not with facebook friends. And it only takes a minute, if even that, to write "she's here". And although your therory of the placenta sounds good, it's not correct.  DS was there and told me that they were busy taking and sending pictures to her family.  This came directly from DS.  As the grandmother who was selfless enough to keep her distance a text is the least I deserved. Sorry you can't understand that...NOT.

4.  I was going to let all that slide and said nothing.  NOTHING.  I didn't get upset until after I was told I would get notice of when to come.  I was excluded from everything else.  At least allow me to come and view my first granddaughter.  There were no issues.  We would not have stayed long. We just wanted to see her.  Mind you, I didn't even say anything when told to wait.  It was when that wait became extended that I told son that we wouldn't come.   You see, it dawned on me that she truly didn't want us there.  And in what I thought another selfless act I told son that we wouldn't ruin this beautiful day for him. 

5.  DS did ask repeatedly that I come.  I declined.  I declined because I was in a miserable mood after feeling that I was excluded from something so beautiful that I could never get back.  I declined because I thought it would be selfish to take my miserable self into that hospital room and ruin the happiness for those two new parents. I decided that I would keep my miserable self at home although I wanted nothing more than to behold my first grandchild.  When I realized that DS truly wanted me there and that I was indeed making things worst by not coming I cleaned myself up as best I could so that I could be there. 

6.  Yes Scoop, I cried as soon as I set eyes on my grand daughter.  When you set your eyes on your grandchild for the first time you can react any way you want.  I felt many emotions, and why should I have to define them as happy tears because you think I should.  I just cried and since I was all emotional I decided to be emotional in private. 

7. I refused to hold the baby because she was TINY!!! I hadn't held a newborn in many, many years.  I didn't say because I was angry.  I didn't say because I didn't want to.  I said because she was tiny.  But I did hold her. And I cried the tears of joy you thought I should have cried.  And I handed her back to her grandpa and I took pictures and told both mom and dad that they did great.  And then I did another thing I thought was selfless.  I said we would be leaving and allow the new family some time alone.  We stayed less than 30 minutes.  DS left with us and gave me a big hug. 

Scoop your drama comment was not necessary. This was a beautiful life changing event and it was filled with all kinds of emotions by all of us.  And I don't know if you have any grandkids, or will in the future, but if you feel that they have "NOTHING" to do with you that's your opinion.  My grandchildren are an extension of me and they are a part of my family and I intend to love, support and be there for them until the end of my days. 

Scoop you're a DIL and so am I.  But from the many negative, insensitive replies I have personally received from you lead me to feel quite badly for your MIL.  Opps, I guess I just put on my cranky pants. 

Awww...Thanks Doe!!!  Yep, it is a rollercoaster, LOL.  Today I am happy!