March 29, 2024, 06:15:34 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Topics - Lillycache

21
A few days ago my son informed me of another reason my DIL hates me and has ostracized me from her family and my grandkids.  It seems that on Christmas Eve of 2003 my new DH and I were invited to their home along with my Ex husband and his wife.  Ok... It didn't bother me...  I am long past any animosity against either of them and it helped DIL and DS meet holiday commitiments to see all of us.    WELL.....  Here's what I did....   When DIL put dinner on the table I saw that she had made FROZEN double baked potatos along with the ham and other fixings.   Imagine that!!  FROZEN baked potatos!!   The Horror!!!   The GALL!!   How dare she serve me frozen potatos??  So I told my DH we were leaving and I got my coat and stormed out!!   Yep!!   Because I am worth more effort than frozen baked potatos after all!     You all believe that?  Seriously?  Well if you did something like that,  would you remember?  I sure don't because it never happened.  I didn't even remember what dinner she served.  In addition, I like the frozen double baked potatos and buy them all the time.   I have some in my deep freeze right now.. 

The point is, how does one refute something so absolutley assinine and off the wall?   How does one even defend ones self?  This goes hand in hand with how I was to supposed to have yelled and screemed at DILs mother during the first GCs Christening.... something else one would think one would remember... AND how I must have thought her son was a dog because I commented that the new giant dog pillow that the dogs wouldn't even go near, would make a nice place for little GS to sleep if he stayed over. Comfy and safe.  I do remember that... and OF COURSE I said that because I really thought her son was a dog.   Right?   Louise said, in another thread that if someone is determined to hate you, you could say "good morning" and that would be wrong and hateful.  Oh so true!!  lol!!  Gottal laugh it off... or cry..  I prefer laughter
22
Grab Bag / Feeling pretty strong lately
August 12, 2012, 01:30:03 PM
I hate that I get myself wallowing in pity and lamenting over how things should be.  I truely hate that.   I have been focusing on the great things that I do have in my life.   I have a good job... it is rewarding and it also pays very well.  I have wonderful collegues at work. These are nurses who are strong and compassionate and a joy to know.  I have a wonderful husband who I can count on and who loves me dearly..    I have my animals that I adore.   My animals light my life.    I consider them my furry kids and I am mom 2 pets x 8.   I think we all need to take a look at what we do have and be thankful.   I am guilty of forgetting that sometimes.
23
YDS called yesterday.  I haven't heard from him foe 3 weeks, nor  have I seen the GKs since before Easter.  I know that kid like a book... He starts out with a long sad...   Hi Mom...... "Yes?  "What's going on?" I ask.    He asks  "Do you have any work you need done around your house?"     Right away I know he needs some money.    "No I don't"  and that the truth.    "What's the matter?" I say.   So you see, this is like pulling Hen's Teeth to get a straight answer..   He's always been this way.   Again I ask..  "What do you need?"

Turns out that he got a speeding ticket and he told his wife it was half of what it really was so she wouldn't kill him... or as he put it, make his life a living nightmare.  So I asked...  "What do you want from me?"   NO answer.   "Do you need me to lend you the other half?"     "Yes Momma!!  I really appreciate it!!!   I love you so much!!"   Blah.. Blah Blah...    So I'm a sucker for my kid.  I told him yes..  Even though he doesn't even send  me a card for Christmas, my Birthday, or Mother's Day... not the tiniest trinket despite the gifts I give him and the kids.   That sort of thing hurts you know even if it's trivial.  But Here I am... the Schmuck... the Sucker... always for my kids and he knows it.  I know he won't pay me back.   It's not a huge amount for me... but it's a lot for him.  I'm still the momma he runs to.  Good enough to lend a hand when he needs it... but that's about it.  And anyway, he will have to come to my house to pick it up because I can't mail it to his house... and he will bring the kids for the afternoon and I get to see my GKs..  So I have too pay for it, but at least I get to see them.   It's been 4 months. 
24
There is this woman, who volunteers here every Wednesday morning.  She is retired but only a few years older than I am.  I have known her for at least 4 years as she sits right in front of my desk when she is here.  Over that course of time we have talked and shared stories.  She is well aware of my situation with my GKs and my DIL and DS.  She knows how bad I have felt about this for the last 2 years.  Lately, she just can't seem to control herself.  She has two married daughters and 5 GKs.  She is very much involved with her daughters and their children.   She is always coming up with lovely stories and how much she gets to see her GKs and how cute they are, and how much they love her and she loves them.  It's been getting really mushy and gushy.   The last time she started in on her rendition, I told her I had a meeting and packed up my things and moved to a different unit.

Well yesterday, she started again... only this time she prefaced it with "I really shouldn't be telling you this but......"  And went into her song and dance about how she baby sat her grandson all last week and when he went home  he called her to say "I miss you nana, when can I stay with you again".....   So I sat there with my mouth open thinking... She OBVIOUSLY knows this is a painful subject for me.... WHY... does she insist on telling me this stuff?   Is she clueless?   OR is she delighting in "rubbing it in"   Is she getting some sort of perverse pleasure in feeling she is a bit better than I am?   I am perplexed as to why someone would KNOW they shouldn't be saying this, but plunge on anyway.   So what should I do?  Avoid her and just not sit at my desk on Wednesday mornings?  Tell he to put a sock in it?  What?  I know I should be thicker skinned..... but I'm not.  With all the other things to talk about... and she is well read and well traveled and has lots of other interests, WHY is this a fixation of hers, especially around me?   I'm sure she has other friends that are privileged GMs to compare brags with.   OK... /vent  lol!!
25
Grab Bag / Pacific Northwest
July 15, 2012, 02:11:08 PM
Particularly for Louise..  I think I recall you mentioning you are from there.  I am tired of Chicago.  I am tired of 100+ with 99% humidity in summer to the other extreme of 10 below zero with 3 feet of snow in winter.  The older I get, the less I can take those extremes.   During this latest heat wave, I was looking at the weather map.  The entire county was deep red... for H O T..    All except the Northwest... a nice cool green blue.   I was wondering what the weather and the extremes were there.   I like the Seattle area but I'm concerned about the cost of living.  It's really pretty country the Pacific Northwest..  Can you tell me something about it?  Like where is the weather temperate but doesn't cost an arm and a leg to buy a house..   Or live...   ???
26
Grab Bag / What interests you?
July 03, 2012, 03:14:57 PM
So much is said on this site about living our lives, separate from our ACs and GKs and finding happiness in ourselves.   I am curious about all of you.  What is it that captures your interest?   What is it thay you would love to do if you had the time or money?  I'll start..

I have two major interests.  One is animal rights and welfare.... the other is politics.

I donate money and products to my local animal shelter.  I am always combing my basement and garage, as well as garage sales for items that can be used for the care of these poor helpless creatures.  Last weekend, I put together 6 cages that were stored in my garage (left over from my parrot breeding days) and brought them to the shelter to help them house small animals, birds and kittens.   They were thrilled to get them!!!    It made my heart happy.  If I had more money, I would send regular donations.  If I had the time I would volunteer there as a caretaker and perhaps a foster mom for needy and abused animals.  As an RN, I believe I could use my skills to help injured animals heal.

My other interest is politics, particularly on the Federal level, but I have some interest in my State's politics.   In deference to the culture of this board, I will NOT devulge my political views.  But suffice it to say, I am a total ideolog and donate to my party. I stay up on what is going on in Washington, and I regularly call my representatives and my Senators to express my views and how I would like them to vote on issues.   If I had the time I would run for local office to try to make a difference.  Sometimes I am outspoken, but try to be gentle... lol!!   It's not easy.

OK... Your turn... what interests you?
27
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / The New Normal
July 02, 2012, 04:56:28 AM
I have been thinking about this and I'm not sure that I will be able to get my thougts across in a logical manner, but here goes.

It has been nearly 2 years since the "WWlll blow up" with DIL, leading to my cut off and eventually to her cut off.   My DS did his best to mediate between us, but there really was not much he could do.  Too many horrible things were said and done. I have not softened to her either and doubt that I will ever be able to have any sort of contact with her.  The way things stand now, is that my DS brings the kids over to see me every 3 or 4 months and he calls me every 4 weeks or so.  It has settled into the new normal for our relationship and I am officially religated to the outskirts of his life. 

I haven't protested this.  When he calls I never rip on him for not calling more often or for not bringing the kids to me more often.  I am upbeat and act like nothing is wrong, and that my limited roll in his life and my GKs lives is just okie dokie.. Well it's not.  I do not like being a minor player.  I do not tell my son this because I fear it will only honk him off.  The truth is that last Christmas, my son said DIL was willing to come to my house and it was ME that said no.  I was not ready to deal with her after the horrible attacks on me.  I STILL am not ready to deal with her and I remain as hurt and as angry with her as ever.  I cannot fathom spending a holiday or ANY time with her.  She has not offered any apology nor have I requested one.  She also has not made one effort to reopen our dialog or to come to any understanding.  So I am left to believe she isn't interested and is very happy with this new normal also.  DS appears to be comfortable with it, mostly because I have spared him the knowledge that it is hurting me. .  I wake up thinking about it and being sad about it and go to sleep the same way.

Someone once said that holding a grudge is like taking poison expecting the other person to die.  This is very true.  But when is a grudge justified?  When do you draw the line and say NO... you are not allowed to say those horrible things to me and get away with it.  Yet she has....  Nothing in her life has changed...  I, on the other hand, am left to live the "New Normal"

Any wise advise? 
28
Grandchildren / Feeling a little blue today
June 15, 2012, 07:49:02 AM
Today is my youngest grandson's 2nd birthday.  Knowing DIL and her FOO, there will be a big party this weekend. Of course I have not heard a word about it and DS hasn't called since Memorial Day.  I suppose it's better to not know.  He's a cutie though... a beautiful brown eyed blonde!
29
When my DH and I made out or Wills and Powers of Attorney for both Healthcare and finances, we, of course made each other Executors and POAs for each other.   However, you have to have a contingent POA in case your primary choice is not able to carry out the duty.   Having only 2 sons, no siblings or nieces or nephews, I selected my younger son rather that my oldest unmarried boy.  I did this primarily because my YDSs wife, my DIL held a degree in finance and has worked as a financial consultant and banker. I figured she would be able to make the best decisions for me.

It has recently been brought to my attention that my DIL has been joking and laughing in an online group about how she will have this power over me and since her DH (my son) couldn't make a single decision, she will take delight in picking out the most horrible nursing home or care she could find!!!   I am not what I consider wealthy, but I have worked hard for 40 years to put away what I feel will be a comfortable retirement.  I have done without many extras to sock it away for this eventuality.  NOW I find out that she will do whatever she can to ensure they get my money and I suffer.   I am beyond angry and beyond hurt.  I didn't know how much hate and contempt this young woman has for me.

So here is my dilemma...  Should I just leave things as they are and know that my husband is my POA and will be in charge, and if anything happens to him make sure I change my contingent POA to my older son?  (who is not all that responsible even now at his age)  And hope that HE will make good  and thoughtful decisions for me?   Should I keep my younger son as POA dispite his wifes threats and hope that HE will over-ride her if she tries to hurt me?   One of my biggest fears is that I will die alone in horrible and less than dignified conditions, warehoused away in a dump.  She really hit a chord here.  Should I let my younger son know my fears and what she has threatened?   WWYD?
30
This has to do with roofing... I know... that is seriously off topic, but just wanted to get some unbiased opinions.

We own a 2nd home about 150 miles from here on the River.  A few weeks ago we received a letter from our Home Owners Insurance company that they would no longer insure us after October unless we get the roof replaced.

We spent the better part of a week getting estimates.  The bids went from $6700 all the way up to $23,000 (crazy). 

Anyway. The final bid just arrived, via a 2 sentence email.  This is the lowest one.  The $ 6700 one.  This guy is a handyman and the son or a neighbor.  He has put on several roofs in the area and they look pretty good.  Well we checked him out.  He has no Roofing licence.  He claims to have insurance, but has not produced the paperwork.   He says the job will take a week, and probabley not until August.

The other bid we are considering is for $9600...  This is a regular roofing company.  He gave a very professional bid detailing everything he will do.  He provided a copy of his licence AND a copy of his insurance policy.  He will do the job in 2 days and will start as soon as we sit down and sign the contract.  He offers a 5 year guarantee on his labor.

BUT... there is a $3000 difference.   I believe I know the way I am leaning.  Just wanted to get some confirmation on my choice.   Opinion?
31
Some of the problems I have had with my DIL involves her FOO... Or as I prefer to call them  A pack of She wolves.  There didn't seem to be anything I could have done to fit in.  My DIL has a large "female" family.  The men sort of retreat into the background.   There is Grandma... Mamma... Severl aunties... and 4 sisters.. as well as a multitude of female cousins.  This is a well established  female hierarchy that does not desire to include any "outside" female.

I have learned that my every action, every statement, every joke... everything was critiqued... and not in a positive light.  In fact DILs mother has outright LIED about things I have said... or at the very least taken things out of context.   Seriously.... I didn't have a chance.   
32
But I'm going to put it out there because it troubles me sometimes.   I never had the access to my grandchildren that my DILs mom did.  I WAS invited to the hospital for all three births.  The first one.. my first GS was really really exciting  AND touching as I had lost my husband suddenly about 5 months prior.  GS#1  was sort of an affirmation of life going on for me.  However, I really only got to see him about every 6 weeks or so.. partly because I worked full time and partly out of not wanting to be a pest.  But I have to say... I would only start getting "antsie" about wanting to see him again after a month. 

Now I have a GD and GS#2... so three of them.  With each child I have been moved farther and farther into the background. So GS#2 really doesn't know me that well as I have seen him perhaps 4 times in his 2 years of life.  DIL kept the kids from me completely for nearly a year.  But... and here is the bad part.  I didn't like it.. I would have liked to have seen them more, but it didn't kill me.  In fact, I even told DIL that if she was looking to punish me by keeping the kids from me.. it wasn't going to work.  The reality of the matter is that I was more torn up about not seeing MY son... or having MY son estranged than I was about the GKs.    Guess I should turn in my Grandma wings. 

Please don't get me wrong.  I love the GKs..  I would do anything to help them if they needed me.. but I'm just not that enthrawled.  Perhaps it's because of the distance DIL has kept that I have grown to view them as "another woman's Kids"  Perhaps if I had a daughter and she had children I would feel different.  With a daughter, I somehow think a mom has more latitude and feels more involved. (not meaning to generalize as I know some DDs are difficult)    AND in reality... I've never been a "kid" person... except for my own.  I cannot look at her kids as my own... even though my son is their father.  It's just not there.    Reading over these paragraphs, I'm sure I sound kind of hard and cold... I am not.. seriously... and then again, perhaps if I had been given more access over the years I would feel differently.   But as I have become fond of saying is  "It is what it is"
33
Here it is Thursday and the promise of getting together for lunch this week with my DS is fading fast.  He made a rushed call on MD because he was working and in between customers.. but before he hung up he said he would call later to let me know what day he was able to meet me for lunch.   Well... thankfully I didn't decide to hold my breath. lol!!  As little as a year ago, I would have been crushed.  Now?  Not so much...  I guess I've gotten sick and tired of letting someone elses  thoughtlessness control how I feel.  But then again, I must be thinking about it somewhat as here I am writing about it.    However,  I just wanted to say... it doesn't hurt quite so much.  I think I am making progress.  I am amazed at how different I am beginning to feel about this whole thing. 
34
The Buddha described nirv?na as the perfect peace of the state of mind that is free from craving, anger, and other afflicting states.

In thinking about this, I see a correlation to detachment from the pain and anger resulting from our present situations involving our children, their spouses and our grandchildren.  But how exactly does one detach from something and someone so ingrained in our lives and our identities?  Is there a way to get to a place of peace? At this point, I see it as unattainable.   We can turn to religion, trusted friends, message board support, but true release from the anguish remains just beyond our reach.  These things help for a time... an hour, a day.. maybe a week, but the emotion always comes creeping back.  Does detachment mean no longer caring or loving or perhaps hating? When our children are involved that seems impossible.  How do we do this?
35
I didn't want to hijack Pens thread.   I was wondering how often you pick up the phone and call DS?  I don't call mine at all any longer.  I don't know his work schedule.  I don't know if he is able to talk or even wants to talk. In the past I have called and gotten one word responses like I was intruding.  So I wait for him to call.  Which isn't very often.  I was wondering is he isn't doing the same.... that is waiting for ME to call him.   I doubt it, but was wondering anyway how the rest of you moms of sons handle the phone calling. 
36
I have no illusions about my son.  I did my best to raise him to be caring and loving, but as someone said, part of how they turn out is genetic.   His father and I divorced when he was 4.  I have to admit that "he is his father's son" as painful as it is.  I'll leave it at that.

DIL once said to me... "If you knew the things your son as said about you, You would never speak to him again"   I'm sure.  I know my son.  He would be more than willing to let me take the blame for his problems.   I know that my DIL/DS have had a pretty stormy time of it.  My suspicion is that in the heat of arguments when his bad behavior was challenged by DIL, he used me and his childhood as an excuse.  If DIL loves him... which I know she does, it is only natural for her to blame me for all DS faults also, and the strain those faults have put on their  marriage.   

When I asked my son about that statement his wife made about the things he said about me, his response was  "you know how it is.. we say things when we are mad or upset that we don't mean"   Yes.. I know.. don't we all.   But DIL has taken his rhetoric about me.. the stuff he didn't mean... as Gospel.   So now if he is uncomfortable about the situation between his wife and I, he needs to look at the fuel he threw on the fire, all for the purpose of making excuses for his bad behavior.  I know my son, and I don't have rose colored glasses on as DIL may believe.
37
When Mother's Day comes and goes... or your Birthday... Or Christmas.. and once again you have been ignored or forgotton, what do you say to inquires?     Most often when asked by the casual acquaintace "How was your Mother's Day?"   I try to get away with a simple "It was fine".    But sometimes I am pushed for more.  Most times it's the ladies who have been remembered and honored, and want to share what a wonderful day they had and how great their kids are to them.   Then... I LIE.     It's easier for me to come to terms with being a liar than to admit that my Son really doesn't give a hoot.   This year, I might say he brought me a flat of petunias and helped me plant.   Or perhaps I will say he took me to breakfast.   Or he brought the kids over and they gave me the cards they made for me.  And then I will smile and listen to the real Mother's Day stories.... tell them how nice that was of their kids.. and go on my way feeling less worthy than the others.
38
I have a dear friend IRL that is going through a similar situation with her son and DIL as many of us are.  When we talk,  inevitabley the conversation comes around to this topic.  Then we lament and comiserate and try to support each other.  Acutally we are just dredging up the samo-o-samo... Nothing gets solved.. nothing resolved.  There seems to be no answer.  All we can do is support one another, listen to each others story and know that we are not alone.  I know this site is meant for problem solving... but what if there is no solution?  We can't change the past, or soften hardened hearts.  We cannot go back and find out what it was that made our sons distant.  We can't fix it now even if we knew.  I like this site.. It is gentle and kind.  There is no blaming or finger pointing.  For those who feel hopeless... this is a place to know that others feel the same.  In a way, that is comforting.  I welcome the input of the DILs here.  The tone is easy and it's good to hear their side without harshness, and a level of understanding. Life is do complicated.  The MIL/DIL dynamics are frought with pitfalls.   As in my case, we often we find out what the problem was long after there is a possibility of fixing it. 
39
Hello... This is my first post, but I have been reading here for some time.  I have a situation which is causing me great hurt and pain.  My relationship with DIL has been on the decline for some time.  She is distant and cold.  When my son and her and the kids visit, she barely speaks and looks very unhappy while she is here.  I have asked my son what the problem is, but he is not saying.   He is vague and says.. "oh it's me not you"  I didn't want to confront her and create a problem.    I always thought I was very careful about staying out of their business and not offering uninvited advise... not visiting without being invited... etc..  But her coldness was very perplexing.

This week I was bored and surfing the net... playing around and typing in names and emails.  Up pops a message board with my DILs name.  It appears that going all the way back for years she has been writing horrible things about me in this support group.  She has called me horrible names and made accusations that I have absolutley no recollection of.  She has told these people outright lies.  Her hatred and viotrol were scathing.  I am reeling.

I have not done anything with this.  I have not told my son.  I have not confronted her.  But I don't know if I can ever look at her again.  Our relationship is not good now.  If I bring this up I am afraid it will be completely over. My son will be stuck in the middle, which I don't want.  What should I do?   Continue on as it is with a knot in my stomach everytime I see her?   I had no idea she harbored these feelings about me.  NONE..  Apparently everything I've done or said for years was discussed.  I'm just sick.   How I wish I hadn't been snooping on the net, but what is done is done.  Where do I go from here?   If only she had come to me with her complaints and not let it go on so long. I had no idea I was such a problem.