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Messages - Bamboo2

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Grab Bag / Re: Congratulations to Bamboo2 and StillLearning!
« on: July 28, 2017, 08:35:20 PM »
Thanks, everyone.  I'm so grateful to have found this forum.  It's been life-changing and life-giving.  Pen is right -  it does take all of us to make this community the safe and supportive place it is.  When I first landed here - by turns sad, angry, confused and emotionally drained - I spent months reading through the archives, trying to absorb the wisdom in those many posts.  Many of those posters have left the forum, but their/your/our words live on and promote healing.  I continue to gain insights here from all of you, and I'm honored to be of service in some small way as the caring community at WWU continues providing encouragement and hope to one another into the future.   

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Status quo must go
« on: July 24, 2017, 04:14:27 PM »
Hi Raindrops,
You ponder the very questions that are asked over and over on this forum - the archives are filled with them.  There is no good answer for why they act the way they do.  In my own situation with an adult daughter, when I've spun my wheels trying to find the explanation or trying to change her, it only made me more miserable.  I had what I thought were reasonable expectations that she did not fulfill.  My only hope of gaining equilibrium has been to 1) face a different direction (not focus on her), 2) let go of my expectations of her to give me, do for me, or tell me what I want, and 3) not come to her financial or emotional rescue time and again.  It is hard to do, especially when I've thought of that as my job as a mom and responding to her needs has kept her in touch with my husband and me in some "as-needed" way.  But rescuing her did not helped her to face adult problems on her own.  And her lack of appreciation or reciprocity did not made our relationship closer - just the opposite.  The only thing I found that I have control of is my own focus and my own response to her. When my daughter expected me to give or do things for her that I was unwilling to do, I started saying that I would not help her and add that I knew she would be able to figure things out.  She has actually been more resourceful as a result, and she is growing up.  No, we don't hear from her as much, and maybe when we do, it is just a random question seeking information, but she does not have the same expectations of us as before.

None of it has been easy, and I've had plenty of moments of guilt and doubt.  In addition, she has given us the silent treatment and turned the tables by blaming us for things that were her own doing.  But sticking with the plan of changing our expectations of her, not bailing her out and letting her try to stand on her own feet, calling her out on rudeness or passive-aggressive behavior, and focusing our time and attention on the good things and people in our lives has led my husband and me to a brighter, calmer place.  I've been buoyed (I mistakenly typed ebuoyed :) by the stories of women on this forum who have arrived at this calm place, knowing it is possible for all of us, no matter how the relationship is with their AC or in-laws.  Yes, as you say, the status quo must go, and we are the ones who can change our part in it.  That's all we have control over, but that is all we need. 

Excellent advice, Still Learning.  This thread was posted twice by accident and other members replied to Malfoyfan on the other thread.  Malfoyfan, I hope your meeting went well.  You always have a place here if and when you need support.  All the best  :)

Grab Bag / Re: As usual, acceptance!
« on: July 18, 2017, 08:35:30 PM »
Pen, you said your SM was way smarter than you, when she simply sounds mean to me.  That's not smart. 

Good for you to call her on the lies and manipulation.  Woo hoo for you!!  Having nothing left to lose sounds like freedom to me.  Remember the line from Me and Bobby McGee: "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."  Those lyrics make sense to me now  :)

Grab Bag / Re: As usual, acceptance!
« on: July 16, 2017, 04:00:53 PM »
(sigh)  That sounds painful.  But not surprising given her history, right?  It's a good question that Still Learning poses: Why put yourself through that misery time and time again?  What do you think your dad would say if you told him that you're not comfortable there and explained why you are uncomfortable? 

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Am I Overthinking This One?
« on: July 12, 2017, 02:26:55 PM »
I'm not sure if this will be helpful in your situation, but I have decided this is how I handle gifts, after receiving things I never would have used or worn.  I told my AC that I do not need or want physical gifts anymore, and what I really value is time together with them.  My kids have taken us out to eat on certain occasions, but we have also just gathered at our house and cooked something nice together (like fondue or Chinese dumplings) and/or played some games.  That is more special to me than anything and costs nothing except some time.  Some special occasions have come and gone with nothing, but DH and I always try to make the day special.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Argument with son
« on: July 11, 2017, 05:15:22 PM »
Sorry to hear about this poor treatment, Raindrops.  I agree with Marina.  Close the bank and let him figure this out.  Keep the relationship clear of financial entanglements.  As a grownup, he needs to learn to stand on his feet and not rely on you for help.  It seems he just expects that you will come to his financial rescue, and that's not good for him or you.  When you take a step back, you are actually helping him to grow up.  Your relationship may improve over time.  But you will have been clear about letting him know that it is his life and his responsibility to figure out how to get what he needs and wants.  Even if you don't hear from him for a while, look at the long view of your decision to let him deal with his own financial issues.  Hard?  Yes.  But now you've got momentum behind you, so use that to help him develop more internal resources.  Best of luck to you!!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: What DS learned from DH
« on: July 11, 2017, 05:01:46 PM »
Wishing the best for both of you  :D


Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: What DS learned from DH
« on: July 10, 2017, 04:10:56 PM »
Hi Pen, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.   :(. I want to give you a big hug!  You deserve better!

I understand your dilemma where either speaking up or putting up can cause discomfort, and may lead to more grief.  This was my experience in my first marriage, though the issues were about control and the silent treatment.

Like Marina, I went to therapy as well, first with him and then alone, although in my case I had one foot out the door after 10 years, and was pretty bitter about the treatment I had put up with.  I've wondered if I had seen this therapist earlier in our marriage, while I was still fully committed, if my first husband and I could have come up with better communication strategies.

Marina had a very key line: it helps to have someone in my corner to help me see some blind spots.  My therapist opened my eyes, or rather led me to open my eyes, and see that what I was experiencing was not acceptable.  None of my family members did, although they did not see everything.  I know they worried privately. 

I think that a good therapist can shine a light on what problem areas you might have and help create a plan for dealing with them.  Help with word choice and action choice so you can have some consistency and not back down.  As with so many things, it might get worse before it gets better, but you will have drawn the line about how you want to be treated, and deserve to be treated.  It's a gift you give to yourself. 

You're a gem, Pen!   :)

PS. Marina, your post is golden!

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Starting to find acceptance
« on: June 14, 2017, 11:06:54 PM »
Thanks for sharing your perspective, Alwaysmom, and wishing you well on your journey.  You are so wise to focus on yourself and those loved ones who support you at this time. 


Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Another Mother's Day
« on: May 09, 2017, 09:12:43 PM »
My plan is to spend the weekend visiting my own parents, who I appreciate more and more the older we get.  When I get back home, DH is going to BBQ for us, and whoever is around will be welcome to join in, but otherwise we plan to go birdwatching in a lovely park, just the two of us. I can always count on him to treat me attentively  :D

Thanks for everyone's posts.  They've made me smile! And happy Mother's Day to all you fine moms! 

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: The surprises never cease
« on: April 18, 2017, 08:24:37 PM »
Whew - thanks for clearing that up for me, Marina  ;)

Grab Bag / Re: Pooh, where are you?
« on: April 18, 2017, 03:51:56 PM »
Thanks for sharing the latest part of your journey, Pooh!  So uplifting and inspiring!  Your sage wisdom will live on here at WWU and will help untold numbers of hurting women on their journeys.  I'm so glad to have benefited from your pearls.  My favorite line (and there are many!) from you is when you suggested I tell my DD that I can't give a free pass to someone (her abusive and freeloading BF) who has continually made life hard for her.  That line was a game-changer for me.  You nailed our concerns, and made it accessible for her to understand why we did not want him in our lives anymore.  And just last weekend when that same BF (or maybe now ex-BF who is desperate to do anything to get her back) called me and DH out of the blue and after a couple of years to - ahem - "apologize" for whatever, I remembered that "free pass" line, and it was easy to just dismiss anything he said as "blah-blah-blah."   Fool me once.....

Wish you all the best, Pooh!
Sending love  :D

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: The surprises never cease
« on: April 18, 2017, 03:22:36 PM »
Maybe I'm just having a senior moment ( ;)) but I thought Luise had already responded to this.  The fact is that we have no say in who our AC choose as friends.  It is sometimes better to not even know if there is a chance of getting hurt.  That is the approach DH and I have taken with our DD.  I don't do FB but DH does. I felt as though DD had betrayed me when she chose to live with her abusive BF's mom and spend so many special days with them instead of us.  Seeing those relationships on display on FB just tended to fuel the fire of hurt and resentment. My DH unfriended DD just so we wouldn't be privy to information that might irritate or hurt us.  Our lives have been much more peaceful now that we control the information that we receive about her relationships with that BF and his family.  Now I don't feel as much negativity toward those people because I don't know anything about them anymore - mostly I feel indifference, if anything.  But I keep my guard up so I don't go down that path again.   It's a constant, active choice we make.  I like this line from the last post: being upset is only hurting you and not anyone else.  All the best  :)

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Be Confident and Strong
« on: April 13, 2017, 09:46:04 PM »
So happy to hear that!  You definitely sound strong to me - wise, too.  Good for you!

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