March 29, 2024, 08:22:23 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - Bamboo2

166
Hi Beverly,
While I have not had this kind of DIL issue, I do have a DD who was trying to blame me but not ever be clear what it was about and just "punished" me with the cold shoulder.  Finally when I told her how I expected to be treated and then let go of my end of the rope and turned 180 degrees toward good things and people that wanted me in their lives without playing games, things eventually improved.  I truly feel now that if she chooses not to have a continuing relationship with me, it will not be the end of my life.  It took getting to this point and deciding that I am worthy of respect to know for certain that life will go on with or without her.  Of course I would prefer to have her in my life, but not at the expense of my self-respect.  Luise said something I will always remember: when we allow others to treat us disrespectfully, we are modeling disrespect to them.  It does them no favors.  I'd encourage you to have the talk about respectful treatment and then just let go.  The ball will be in their court and I wouldn't wait around to see what they decide.  They have rigged the deck against you so there is nothing you can do to change the outcome but to say your piece and move on.  Grieving is normal and there is no shortcut except to take care of yourself, be with others who love you, and concentrate on what gives you joy. You have other children to focus on now, as well as yourself.  Wishing you all the best, Beverly.  So many of us can related to your story. Trust me that there is a good life waiting for you beyond the pain of this moment.  That is one of the many things that has given me comfort on this forum.
167
Wow, New Mama, you may not be a MIL, but that was really wise advice  :)
168
Pooh, just think of all the smiles that little monkey will bring to so many faces  :)  That is the gift that keeps on giving.  Your gift money really went to good use this year.  And maybe next year your bro and SIL will tell you they've decided not to exchange gifts.  Maybe your gift was doubly brilliant! 

A young immigrant couple we are close to went back to their country for a visit recently and bought each of their impoverished families a cow, which will provide milk and other products for them.  I know how valuable these donation organizations like Heifer Int'l can be.  Great reminder, Pen.  And I hadn't heard of Kiva, but I like the concept. One Acre Fund is an organization we support.
169
You know what they say, Pen: "When the student is ready, the teacher appears."  All these touchstones from WWU have led me to this point of wanting to acknowledge my gratitude for life's abundant gifts.  So I'm ready.  Funny how when I opened my email this morning, there was a Daily OM message that addressed gratitude.  The gist was to focus more on the gift of life, as many other things we may choose to be grateful for are transient and ephemeral.  I like the idea of having my antennae up, being conscious of the people and things around me for which I'm grateful, as well as good mental and physical health, but I appreciate this author's point, too.  It reminds me of what Luise was saying recently about creating her own joy within and carrying that with her, rather than having her joy depend on other people or situations.  At least I think her philosophy was something to that effect.  Here is today's Daily OM article if you're interested. 

http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2016/51487.html
170
Hi Eggshells,
Your name implies that you have been watching what you say to your son and how you say it.  Who needs that?  I would not call, and maybe even not take his calls, be busy, keep it short, have something boiling on the stove that needs immediate attention, whatever you have to do to be at peace. Sometimes the less contact the better when things are negative and AC try to manipulate conversations, emotions and situations with blame and finger pointing.  The fingers should be pointing in his direction, and part of him probably knows that but refuses to admit it.  So I would disengage and continue finding joy in the places and with the people you have already established.  Don't give him the power to hurt you.  Take it back. You deserve respect.

Happy New Year  :)
171
Actually, there is one that looks better that I just ordered called Living in Gratitude by Angeles Arrien.  It offers wisdom from many spiritual traditions and the goal is to journal throughout an entire year and use the book as a guide, month by month.  I'm going to try it and see how it goes.  Happy New Year!
172
Thanks for the link, Pen.  I perused some of the offerings and found an ebook through my library that intrigues me called The Gratitude Diaries: How a Year Looking on the Bright Side Can Transform Your Life by Janice Kaplan.  It seems to fit with the new year and my goal of looking for the good.  Have you read it?
173
Love that phrase about flags flyin' and firmly denyin'.  (Hmmm...DD is doing the same thing now with her BF.  Guess I can't point fingers, eh?)  A therapist I was seeing toward the end of my first marriage told me I had chosen a spouse who had qualities similar to a parent figure with whom I had unresolved issues, trying to effectively change the outcome. It made sense, and I couldn't change the outcome. My current DH is diametrically opposite to first husband in significant ways. Life is so easy with him.  A friend who I've known since high school said I'm more like my high school self now than I was during those ten years with "old" DH. I'm glad your "new" husband is so different, too. Yes, we are fortunate, and I think we had to go through that pain to get to the good place we're in today, don't you?  And after reading that book, my challenge is to "find the good" in my old DH.  It isn't the finding it that's the problem, it is the expressing it instead of the negative qualities which are usually the first things to come out of my mouth.  :-[  And I should practice finding the good in DDs BF, even if we aren't open to seeing him.

Forgive my ignorance, but what is OverDrive?
174
I'm imagining a conversation between you and your son starting...I love you too much to compromise our relationship...

I had planned to say something similar in anticipation of my daughter breaking up with her boyfriend.
175
Hi Muffin,
It's great to have your update about GDs mom and your now-close relationship. Just goes to show that we never know how relationships will turn out.

My first question after reading your post about the MS is why is he still living in your home?  His schedule does not coincide with yours, and it is probably challenging to keep the noise level down during his sleep time.  It is your house, and you have every right to make noise in it, unless he is a paying renter.  I'd encourage him to get his own place.
176
Here is an update: After that last talk I had with her in October, we didn't hear much from our daughter except an occasional call with questions related to moving back to our area and getting a job.  But she was busy behind the scenes trying to get an apartment and jobs for her and her BF, as well as moving everything, dealing with utility company issues, many adult tasks. So she called us and came over after accomplishing all of those things, just a couple of weeks ago.  She came over to visit, bake cookies, eat and chat four times in the past 10 days.  We even went to see her apartment briefly, which she so wanted us to do, and made a point of telling us beforehand that her BF wouldn't be there.  She has been nothing but considerate with us.  She even offered to get her own health insurance since it is offered with her new job.  Wow!  DH joked that she might live too close now, lol.  I don't have any expectations that things will stay this way, but it is a nice change for now.    :)
177
What a lovely picture  :)
178
Kate, how was your Christmas eve gathering?
179
Hi Pen, I neglected to mention earlier that I read Find the Good just after Thankgiving; it was a lively read with vignettes about colorful characters. A friend and I are going to share messages we gained from the book.  She reminds me of you, actually, as a dear person who enlightens me with her wisdom, compassion and understanding.

I just put this together that your first husband and your father must have been in the same occupation.  Coincidence?  Not if it is like my experience.  I think I intentionally chose a husband (my first husband) in the same field as my dad to make dad happy.  Isn't it interesting that we both have different husbands now, and mine is not in the same field as my first husband.  Far from it.
180
Well, Green Thumb, there's your silver lining - having lived and learned from challenging experiences that you can share with others.  Unfortunately there is no shortcut to gaining wisdom other than to fully experience and hopefully learn from hard times.  When you live them and work through them, the lessons really stick!  The beauty of that is not only a new joy after letting go of the pain, but also being a model for others walking a similar journey. You have clearly gone through a hard journey with your AC and learned volumes from which we can benefit.  Thank you for sharing  :)

BTW, I agree with our AC not wanting to be our BFFs. I don't want to be their best friends, either. I just want to be their mom.  There is something unique about a parent - child relationship, even if that child is an adult.  I have enough friends. But I only have one mom, and my kids only have one mom (well, they each have birth moms but don't know them).