My opinion is that it is better to talk about things honestly than to keep pretending. So what your son said to you is the best thing, I think, to clear the air with you. The truth is the truth and now that you know, you can act accordingly and let go of any anxiety or expectations that she will be more friendly. Better to know the truth than to be lied to. DIL may come from a narcissistic family where she is never good enough and the pressure to be mom or dads "lackey" is intense. I know many adult children who are expected to be tied to the FOO forever and above the spouse or the in-laws and even their own babies. If you don't feel loved or good enough by mom or dad, you can end up constantly trying to earn mom or dad's affection as an adult. Many narcissistic families set things up this way so that the adult children are constantly paying attention to mom and/or dad.
April 25, 2024, 02:52:47 AM
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167
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: DIL refuses to help at family functions-gives grandkids wrong idea about "family
April 02, 2015, 03:23:49 PM
I am sorry this has turned out like this for you but at least you know what she is thinking. Whether you said it or not is no longer the issue. If you want to improve your relationship with her, then you have to lovingly apologize and own your mistakes.
I think I would say something like "I am so sorry that I said all those things way back then. I was wrong, I didn't know you well and was being too motherly. My son chose you and he chose well and I should have trusted him more and been less controlling. Time has shown me what a smart, loving woman you are (put in your own adjectives that are true). Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? (Very important words) I value your friendship love, whatever, and hope someday to be able to make amends. I truly understand how you have been hurt all these years. I would have been hurt if I had heard my future MIL say the same things about me."
What she heard long ago was that she wasn't good enough for you for her son. Ouch!!! This is why she has not embraced your family. It is the same thing you felt when she said your family is not her family.
Email the response and then send her flowers.
I think I would say something like "I am so sorry that I said all those things way back then. I was wrong, I didn't know you well and was being too motherly. My son chose you and he chose well and I should have trusted him more and been less controlling. Time has shown me what a smart, loving woman you are (put in your own adjectives that are true). Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? (Very important words) I value your friendship love, whatever, and hope someday to be able to make amends. I truly understand how you have been hurt all these years. I would have been hurt if I had heard my future MIL say the same things about me."
What she heard long ago was that she wasn't good enough for you for her son. Ouch!!! This is why she has not embraced your family. It is the same thing you felt when she said your family is not her family.
Email the response and then send her flowers.
168
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: DIL's behavior: depressed or rude?
April 02, 2015, 03:10:10 PM
My first thought was what happened when you spoke to her? Did she just not answer? Some people are quiet and only open up when they feel really comfortable with people. You said you made some mistakes at first, were you critical of her? She might feel that the only way to avoid criticism is to not talk. I used to avoid my MIL, cause she was critical and narcissistic and I would cringe when she would finally say let's sit down and talk just you and me and she'd get all into my business. I am much older now and would just set boundaries now but back then, it was just weird.
I assume she talks to her kids? I think instead of talking to your son and making it a bigger deal, I would start a campaign to win her over with friendliness, compliments, really caring what she thinks and feels. Make it all about her. Send her flowers for Mother's Day. Like you would when you are dating someone new. I would tell her what a good mom she is. How you appreciate all she does for your son with examples. Maybe write her a loving letter thanking her for visiting and telling her how glad she is the mother of your grandkids, how good a mother she is and give examples. When you go visit them, offer to babysit so they can have a date night, help with the laundry, the children's needs, play with the kids, etc. Relief her stress a little.
If you are already doing all of this, then that is wonderful! I can tell you are a caring person and want to be friends with her and you love them all.
I assume she talks to her kids? I think instead of talking to your son and making it a bigger deal, I would start a campaign to win her over with friendliness, compliments, really caring what she thinks and feels. Make it all about her. Send her flowers for Mother's Day. Like you would when you are dating someone new. I would tell her what a good mom she is. How you appreciate all she does for your son with examples. Maybe write her a loving letter thanking her for visiting and telling her how glad she is the mother of your grandkids, how good a mother she is and give examples. When you go visit them, offer to babysit so they can have a date night, help with the laundry, the children's needs, play with the kids, etc. Relief her stress a little.
If you are already doing all of this, then that is wonderful! I can tell you are a caring person and want to be friends with her and you love them all.