March 29, 2024, 03:56:41 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - PatiencePlease

106
Grab Bag / Re: Grateful
November 17, 2011, 04:56:37 AM
Sorry for my typo  ---  Luise

I'm a work in progress  ::)
107
Grab Bag / Grateful
November 17, 2011, 04:53:44 AM
As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches with family and friends scattered in different  locations, I would like to say THANK YOU WITH HUGE HUGS to all WWU members.   Sharing your stories and your thoughts helps me more than you could know.

And to Luisa -- a very special thank you for planting this gift in the world of cyberspace.  You and your creation do my heart good.  :)
108
Oooh, I love this thread.....

I am entitled to "just be," without worrying about trampling on any eggshells........

:)

Can't wait to see what everybody else posts here.
109
I also keep this in mind:  Before you can take care of someone else, you have to take care of yourself.
110
Oops!  I just realized the question was asked of MILs and I'm not one yet......    ::)

Also, Luise, enjoy a most wonderful trip.  :)  (and thanks for creating this wonderful place)
111
Just my two cents .....

In my husband's family, they don't let go of the ex's either.  :)   It's actually kind of neat to see that many years post-divorce my MIL is just as  close to her ex's (my FIL's) family.  My MIL is a very cool lady -- I often thank her for bringing my H into the world -- I wish more women would remember that simple fact when they speak negatively about their MIL's.... their husbands wouldn't exist without her.

Anyway, getting back to grandparents and babysitting......   I'm not there yet, but when and if that time comes into my life, I will babysit because I will be delighted to do so -- not because it's my obligation -- because, quite frankly it's not my job. 

I didn't have the luxury of available grandparents to help me out with the kids.  My appointments were scheduled on weekends so my husband could watch the kids.  And we didn't have enough money to go out for dinner and such, so babysitters weren't necessary.  We used to treat Friday nights as our "date night."  The babies went to bed by 7:30 and hubby and I would enjoy a quiet candlelit dinner in our tiny dining room.  It was cheap and very effective. Sorry...... drifting off topic here.  My point is that I never resented the fact that my parents or my husband's parents were not available to babysit.  I don't anticipate that someday my kids will resent me when I have to tell them "no." 

I've seen friends of mine burn out from allowing themselves to be burdened with babysitting.  Their own priorities are pushed to the back burner to accommodate their adult children's whims.  Sometimes I bite my tongue -- other times I gently suggest to my friends that they need to start thinking about themselves.  Sometimes our adult children need to be reminded they are adults.   If we as parents don't remind them of this fact, who will?
112
Thank you all for your support.  I will continue to do what I know in my heart needs to be done. 

This forum is a HUGE help to me.  I will continue to read, read and learn.......
113
I really wanted to start a new thread stating that I've been visiting this wonderful place and doing lots of homework.  Finding all you wise women has been a true gift for me!! 

Anyhooo,  I wasn't sure where to place this statement so I decided just to latch on to the thread I started a few days ago.

Our son doesn't have a car at the moment and as I stated we drive him to work when we are able to.  You'll be happy to know that last night he asked to use my car to play in  a team-building BBL game  organized by his work supervisor.  I told him "no," but my husband and I offered to drive him if he needed a drive.  The BBL game didn't happen because they weren't able to secure court space. 

Our son didn't get combative nor was he angry.  I would like to think he's starting to "get it" but I don't want to be overly optimistic.  Time will tell on that one.

I just wanted to let you all know that I said "no." That's a biggie for me.  Reading here at WWU and doing my homework is making a difference.  Thank you.
114
So often money gets people in trouble and can make them miserable.  What good is it if you don't give it away?

I'm in the "giving equal" group -- I think the message that action conveys is one I want my kids to remember. 

However it is my hope that I have the opportunity to spend most of it before I go.....    ;)
115
Thank you all so very much for your replies and wise words.  I'm printing this out to share with my husband as your responses will help him too.
116
.... and I'm not sure this is going to work out.  Back in October I introduced myself here.  Our son had moved out and wasn't speaking to us.  He had a strong sense of entitlement and the Bank of Mom and Dad had closed.  He was angry - spewed some nastiness and left.

This month we experienced a death in the family -- along the same time he was evicted from the apartment (his friend's landlord did not want another person living there) and was sleeping in his car (which by the way was uninsured).

With all our emotions on the surface we suggested to him that he move back to our house to regroup himself and his finances.  He did, telling us he regretted what he had done. 

I spelled out boundaries very clearly to him.   Bitter words are not to be spoken to me.  The silent treatment is not permitted.   If he goes down that path again -- he's out for good.

He turned in his plates to motor vehicle.  We drive him to work when we can -- otherwise someone from his job drives him.  He is working alot because of the approaching holiday season.  He plans to get his car back on the road.

But I can see and sense he is confused and without any goals.  Due to the family all gathering for the funeral, several family members spoke to him.  He listened.

But whether or not he is changed, I can't tell.

Should any of you very wise women have advice to share with me, I would greatly appreciate it.  These times are hard for me and I'm not sure I'm thinking clearly.  Thank you.
117
Mom, don't beat yourself over the head for trying to contact him again.  Just let it go. 

QuoteI want the right words to say when someone asks about him. im so sad......
 

Just be honest.  Our son left two months ago.  He's contacted us a couple of times.  When my family members ask about him I tell them the truth.  He's going through a wicked case of entitlement because the Bank of Mom and Dad had closed.  He moved out and we don't hear from him.

Then family members will ask how I'm doing.  Again, I'm honest.  I tell them I'm hurting but I'm happy not to be exposed to his daily drama anymore. 

As far as what I tell friends -- it depends on how close I am to them.  Good friends hear the truth.  Acquaintances are simply told "he's moved out and is on his own."

You'll figure out what to say and to whom you will say it.  I wish you the best as you continue to work through this.



118
Hi Neytiri!!

You've gotten great advice already, but I just want to add one more little bit.  In addition to making your very own plans for those holidays/celebrations, don't let your expectations regarding your boys float too high.  In other words, expect nothing.  You won't be disappointed.

I, too, have been hurting by my son's behavior BUT I do take the time to remind myself that I did the best I could raising him.  I gave him a solid foundation of love, faith and family.  I wasn't perfect but I gave it my best.  The rest is up to him.  It brings me comfort to remember that when I'm hurting.  Maybe that might help you too.

Sending you ((((hugs)))))) because you're not alone.  There are many generous women who have great wisdom to share.  You have found the right place.
119
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and good advice.  I just wanted to come back here to tell you how it went.   I didn't clean out his room for him and put his things aside.  I was too busy with work and quite frankly I didn't feel like going through his stuff.

He showed up with the friend he lives with.  I had never met this friend before (I knew he's been in my son's life for well over a year, I just never met him) so I introduced myself to him.  He was polite.  Son was distant but was polite - he held his tongue.  He told me he had forgotten to bring the house key -- he doesn't keep it on his key ring anymore.  I told him he needs to drop it off -- right through the mail slot in the front door.  I told him we must be home if he wants to get in.  I informed him he can't get into the house with it unless he wants to set off the alarm -- we've reset the alarm code and password.

He and his friend took some of his stuff, but not all.  Told me he was in a rush and would have to come back another time to get the rest.  I told him he would have to call first.  If I decided I was going to go into the room to clean it out I will give him warning before it's all thrown out.

I know, I know.   Things are left hanging.  I should have been more firm. Having his friend with him didn't help -- I didn't want to get into too much with him being there.

The door to his bedroom is closed again.  I don't expect to hear from him but this chapter still is not closed.  In all honesty, I'm tired of his drama and don't want to deal with it.

I don't expect to hear from him.  If he's stupid enough to try to come into the house when we're not home the police will come.  My gut tells me he won't do that.

My gut is also telling me this is not over.  Should I see on my caller id on my cell that he's trying to call me, I plan to hit "ignore."  I'm just not in the mood to go there again.

And I enjoyed a wonderful peaceful weekend with my husband away from home.  Thank you Bdwell for reminding me of cherishing the wonderful moments.  It does hurt terribly, but I won't let that hurt shadow the many blessings.
120
Thank you SO much for all your responses.  Pooh, I appreciate your advice to turn the tables around and tell him what to do - not the other way around.  Good point.  Lancaster Lady - thanks for reminding me about needed respect.  I'll keep that focus.  Doe, he wasn't ready to move out financially but he elected to do this all on his own.  As for me and H, we like an empty nest and not dealing with his daily drama.  Keys Girl - I agree about the security but we've decided to change the alarm code not the key (less effort on our part).  In all honesty, I don't think he's going to pull up the big boy panties -- I think he's going to dig himself down further into a hole.  I've seen this happen with him before.  Only this time there is no one to drag him out of the hole.  I'm praying he takes time to think about everything and things start to click -- including the maturity chip in his brain.

Unfortunately I didn't sleep well last night, but I'll work on that.  When I don't hear from him for awhile I sleep like a baby.  Once that phone rings I can feel the blood pressure spike before I even answer the phone.

I am going about my business as best I can and I am working on not giving him too much "head space" right now.  It's too distracting.

Thank you again to all for your warm welcome and advice.  I'm going to print this out so my H can read this too.

~"PP"  :)