March 28, 2024, 03:34:23 PM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Pen

31
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
April 26, 2017, 12:40:11 PM
Enjoy your new big city life, Luise! Sounds like a good move all the way around. Pooh, good luck w/selling your house & finding that new perfect spot  :)

My DH doesn't want to think about our old age, but I'm concerned about living in the boonies when we are no longer able to take care of our property or basic needs if we can no longer drive. We should be getting our house in selling shape, IMO! DH is a little younger than I, still working, so may not be hearing the ticking of the clock like I am.

Some communities have a program called PACE which helps seniors stay in their own homes while the care givers come to them. In many cases it is less costly and better for the mental/emotional health of the seniors to stay out of a facility. My dad & his wife are in their own home again after a year in a very expensive retirement complex. They are very happy with the program. Since they are way across the continent I don't see them very often but my SM's daughter is nearby.
32
It's easy to slip into the role of "less than" if we're carrying baggage from childhood or past relationships or whatever. I have to be sure to check how I'm doing before contacting DS/DIL or my dad & SM. If I feel weak or lacking confidence I wait until I'm stronger. Sometimes they try to contact me when I'm not at my best, so I'll give an excuse (at work, heading out the door, busy w/a project, etc) and tell them I'll call back. We can be in control! Just as I wouldn't get in my car in an inebriated state, I try not to deal with difficult people when I'm lacking confidence or feeling off-center.

Meanwhile, I keep working on my lack of confidence. It gets better, as they say.
33
Grab Bag / Re: Pooh, where are you?
April 20, 2017, 10:09:33 AM
Pooh, you've been a dear WWU pal and mentor to me! I'm so happy you've found that great, peaceful, forgiving space. Although we miss your daily presence this is what we hope for all WWU members!

As you so eloquently stated, there is no one size fits all solution. We're on our own path and going at our own pace. There may also be an ebb & flow (steps forward, steps back, then a big breakthrough.) We're at different points on the trail. I laughed at your vending machine reference, I have been stuck there many times myself  :P

I'll be thinking of you & cheering you on in your new ventures! It'll be good to hear from you when you do check in. Much love  :-*
34
Grab Bag / Re: Hosting Large Holiday Meals
April 12, 2017, 01:21:05 PM
So far this year the only one eager for an Easter celebration is our dear disabled adult daughter who is still interested in Easter baskets and the whole hoopla. I'm guessing DS/DIL will spend time w/DIL's FOO because there are young children there who will be hunting eggs, dressing up, etc. We will not be invited, so I will make things a little festive here for DDD, DH & myself. If DS/DIL make the drive after they visit the other family, they will be welcomed. So far no word from them.

Re hosting/entertaining, I was raised to make guests feel special and welcomed to my home, even "drop-ins." I'm finding that DS & DIL don't go out of their way to make us feel welcomed at their home when we're invited. Perhaps it's the way young people are these days, but I always loved creating ambience, ironing the linens, making a centerpiece, planning the menu, etc. even on a strict budget (not an issue w/DS/DIL.) I take everyone's dietary needs/preferences into consideration, but DS/DIL mostly leave it up to us to bring what we need. It's very odd to me, but that's the way it is.

I too miss the special gatherings of my youth, but I'm so grateful my parents and others made the effort. I know how much work was involved to create a magical day!

35
Grab Bag / Re: Pooh, where are you?
April 12, 2017, 12:51:38 PM
I'm also concerned. We miss ya, Pooh!
36
My brother didn't show up but a handful of times during the months my mom was ill. I quit my job and school studies to take care of her while she was dying of cancer. Of course, all she could talk about was my brother! Even if she didn't always seem to appreciate me, I couldn't have stayed away.

My brother and I are baby boomers, not millennials. IMO, it's more of a guy thing. It's often hard for them to deal with emotional stuff. They also tend to be afraid when their mothers aren't well.

My wish is that everyone is cherished and treated kindly, especially when they are ill or suffering! It breaks my heart to think of people dealing with illness/pain all alone.
37
Welcome, B. My family has allergies too, so I understand the issue from all sides. It's a good sign that a poodle was chosen! I agree with the others that it seems they are trying to show you that you matter to them. Your daughter must have her reasons to defer to her mate, and I understand you'd rather see her speak up - but it is their marriage and must be worked out by the two of them.

I was hurt when my DS bought a high-end car that my DIL refused to allow on our country (dirt) road. I was sure we'd never see them again! But really, why should he buy an SUV or a truck to drive daily in the city? So I offered to pick them up at the nearest paved parking area. Works out well  ;)


38
Welcome, T. I'm glad you found the site, it truly has been a lifesaver for me and I hope it will help you, too. The blame game is tough. You do not need to play.
39
Welcome, G. You most definitely are not alone! You've probably read some of the previous posts by many moms & grandmothers who have experienced similar rejections. I know you want to keep a path open to your DD, but being her personal ATM doesn't seem to give you much fulfillment.

Many of us have found that when we are not constantly and eagerly available whenever our AC need something, they start respecting us more. It's hard to make that choice, and only you know if you can accept the consequences, good or bad.

(((hugs))) I know how it feels when the "other family" takes over :-( Take care of yourself, cherish yourself, live a good life.
40
I'm finding that my DIL treats  me with more respect when I approach her from a position of "power" meaning I'm not groveling or weak ("Why don't you like me? Here's a gift, please like me!") but confident and strong ("I'm fabulous! If you don't like me it's your loss. I'm off to my next adventure!") My husband still grovels a bit but I'm over it.
41
(((hugs)))
42
Grab Bag / Re: Today is my 90th Birthday!
March 13, 2017, 06:59:19 AM
A belated Happy Birthday to you, Luise! You are a gift to us that keeps on giving. I hope you were feted and fawned over (Let it last all month! Isn't that the rule?) Love you!!! ;D
43
Welcome, NSWTD! I'm glad you found us. Please read the information highlighted on the page Open Me First regarding our policies, etc. We ask this of all newcomers so we can all be on the page, so to speak :-)

I'm sorry you're going through this. How does your stepdaughter treat you? Grandkids? Your DH's support is probably the biggest help. I hope SIL comes around to accepting you when he realizes his FIL hasn't abandoned his family.
44
M, I'm so glad!

I became aware of Tom's work through a friend who had lost her daughter. I wanted to be a better support person for her, but I found that Tom Zuba helped me come to an awareness about other losses, too....things I'd swept under the proverbial rug such as DDD's disability, my mom's passing almost 40 years ago, my dad choosing another family over us, the lack of family ties due to death and distance, and DS/DIL issues that all contribute to my sorrow and grief. He's a pretty amazing guy, I think.
45
Welcome, A. I'm glad you found us. As you have seen, you are not alone. I like the trip suggestion  ;)