WiseWomenUnite.com

Dear Pen,
Thank you so much for your wise advice.  I was beginning to feel more at peace with the situation I am in, but since the end of summer and the forthcoming holiday season, I have started to feel more anxious and depressed.  The thoughts of "Will this be the first Christmas or Thanksgiving I spend alone"  are uppermost in my mind.   

I know I have to work hard on not dwelling on this, but it is difficult.  Our Thanksgiving is only 3 weeks away.  I would like to know what others do during these difficult times...............Jill

I would like to be a part of my children's lives.  I would like love and respect and I would like to matter.  But I think mostly I would like to be accepted for who I am, an imperfect person, as they are, who loves them dearly.   Everyone who comes into their lives is imperfect and they are accepted for who they are.  Why can they not accept their mother?

Lillycache,
If they are not there for you and will not help you, will you still leave them whatever you have left?  I am torn between decisions on what to do.  My current will leaves my assets divided between my daughters, with token amounts to my grandchildren.  I might add it is not a lot, and I plan to spend as much as I can, but one never knows what the future holds.  I am seriously considering just leaving everything to my grandchildren.  My odd who is named as my poa for finances, has told me she does not want to be, so it is obvious that if I am in dire need, she will not be there for me.  Ydd has said she will look after my affairs, but I honestly do not know if I can trust her, she only gets in touch with me if she needs a babysitter.
I read that the last impression you have on your children is what you leave them in your will, and although I agree with what you say about being family, and you cannot divorce them and will always love them, if they will not be there for you at all, do they deserve anything.   
Both my dds have said they want a certain item of jewellery I have, this was before the estrangement.  Odd asked first and I have told her she can have it.  I am now thinking of selling all personal items, if I can, and if they want something to remember me by, I have hundreds, probably thousands of photographs.
So far, I have not made any changes to my will, although I am beginning to accept that it is very unlikely there will ever be a reconciliation.  But we never know, and if I am dying they may come around at the end. probably to ease their guilt feelings. 
I wonder if there are any other members faced with this situation.

I think I have given up the hope that odd and I will ever have a normal mother/daughter relationship, there has been too much hurt for that, and I do not feel I could ever trust her again.   I took her out for lunch for her birthday recently, (I was surprised she actually accepted)  and for a while things seemed okay although I could sense the anger in her voice, then she started on her rant about the same things she has gone on about for the past 3 years.  I have apologized for hurting her till I am blue in the face, and she told me she will decide when I have apologized enough, and she said she will probably forgive me when I am dead.  I am now realizing that as long as she holds on to this anger, things will never change, but strangely enough, I am starting to feel at peace with the situation.  I know I will continue to have ups and downs, it has taken a long time to get to this stage...........Jill

After 2 girls, most of the clothes were worn out, but if not, were given away.  I kept a few special items though.  When they were each expecting their first child, I made a centrepiece, flowers in a container with a dowel on which I hung a little baby hanger with their first baby sweater.   I have given them most of these keepsakes, glad to have done so, as I do not see much of them now.  I still have a few special writings and pictures.

Jill

Hi Momnomore,
Just wanted to welcome you and let you know I feel your pain.  I felt like you for the past few years, that it was all my fault, and I was a failure as a mom, but I am gradually realizing that although I was not perfect, I was the best mom I could be, I do feel at peace with that now.  I have apologized many times to my daughters for mistakes I have made, but it is not enough.  If there is nothing to complain about they will make something up.  My odd has  no contact with me and has taken my precious granddaughter out of my life.I have seen her at family birthdays and she ignores me.  My birthday and mothers day are not acknowledged.  My ydd just uses me as a babysitter, and I have to say I allow it, because it is the only opportunity I have to see my grandsons.  At some point I will not be useful anymore and I am sure she will then have no contact either.  Although I am alone, I have good friends, my health and other things to be thankful for, so I am trying to concentrate on enjoying my life as much as I can.    I have very bad days, and some not so bad, and if I keep busy, I sometimes do not think about them.   Stop blaming yourself. It is not your fault.  Our adult children today are very selfish and want to have power over us.   Not all of them of course, all my friends have loving families, which makes it more difficult.  Keep posting, everyone here knows what you are going through.....Jill

Lillycache and Firelight,
Your posts echo my feelings.  I feel I have failed as a mother because my daughters do not like me, yet I know in my heart I did the best I could and no one is perfect and neither are they.  Although they will not forgive me for things I have said (unintentionally) that have hurt them, I am trying to work on forgiving them for treating me the way they do.

Hi Firelight,
Just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you.  I am feeling exactly the same as you, missing the daughter and granddaughter who are no longer in my life.  I don't think the pain ever goes away, we just have to learn to live with it, and I do feel these are wounds that time will never heal.   I try to forget and concentrate on the good things in my life, my health, good friends; sometimes I just want to forget all about my family.  My ydd is now siding with her sister, and finding all kinds of fault with me.

I think that the holiday, Easter and Mothers Day, and my birthday which is in April, make everything a lot worse.

...............Jill

Happy Birthday to a Great Lady.

Jill

Hi Cherry,

Welcome to WWU.  I am so glad you found us.  There are many of us who have the same problem with our adult daughters.  I have not posted in a while but read almost every day.  I too have 2 adult daughters who have hardly any contact with me. 
What surprises me most about your letter is that your husband is not supporting you. You must feel as if they are all against you.  I am divorced, so have no support, but many of our members here do have the support of their husbands.  Many people agree that pulling back totally and looking after yourself first is the best thing to do.  My best to you, keep posting and venting, this is the hardest thing a parent has to deal with.

Hi everyone,
Some of you may remember my story.  I have two dds, odd and I are estranged, and she is keeping my gd from seeing me.  Ydd and I do not have a close relationship, but I do see her when she needs me to babysit, I will be spending Christmas Day with her and gss.  Today I received an email from my gd, I get them once in a while, usually in response to a little video I send her, she will be visiting her aunt (ydd) on Christmas eve, and is hoping she will see me there.  I have not been invited Christmas eve and this is the only opportunity I will have to give her the gifts I have for her.  I have not sent them by mail because I was hoping I would get to see them sometime.  Ydd does not want me there because I will see her Christmas Day, and I know she can visit with her sister without me. But this is the only opportunity I will have to see gd.   Ydd is now mad at me, I am really sad about not seeing gd.  I will have to send her gifts next week by courier,   right now I feel like spending Christmas Day under the covers.  These two girls and my grandchildren are my only famiy, I have been divorced many years, Christmas used to be my favourite time of the year.    I am feeling really sorry for myself and just had to post.             Jill

Hi everyone,
Just want to join LL and wish everyone a Merry Christmas.  I have not posted in a while, but read faithfully every day.  My situation is worse than last Christmas, I have seen odd and gd 4 times this past year, now she does not want me to have anything to do with gd. My heart is breaking and I know many of you are in the same position, and it is going to be difficult to get through Christmas.  I will be spending it with ydd and her dh and my 2 grandsons, but there is still a big hole in my heart for odd and gd.
Let us all make the best of it, and hope and pray that 2012 will bring better times.

Jill

Dear Nanjojan,
I am so sorry things did not go as you had hoped, I know it is hard to believe that these are the precious little girls we raised.   Any illness that she thinks you have is no reason to not invite you to her wedding.  One thing for sure, though, she definitely will regret not having her mother there. My prayers are with you..........Jill

Hi Nanado and welcome to WWU.   We all understand how you are feeling, as we have all  had the same problems with our adult children.  Please keep posting and tell us your story.
............Jill

Hi Courtney,

It's good to see you post again, and to know how everything is going.   My situation is almost identical to yours.   It is also a little over a year (about 15 months) since my odd decided to cut me out of her life.  I have seen her about 4 times.  I do send emails to my gd, usually little videos about animals, which she enjoys.  In the summer she sent me an email saying she had not seen me for ages and missed me and would like to come and sleep over, but odd would not allow it. 
Like you, I have tried to concentrate on my own life, do the things I like, and have accepted the fact I will never have a relationship with odd again, although it breaks my heart.
I have been having counselling also, and was advised  to try to keep in touch with gd (she is 11). I think you do have to accept your dd the way she is, if you want to have any kind of relationship with your gd.     It was interesting to read your conversation with your therapist, especially when she asked you if you would like a relationship with her if she was not your dd. I don't think it is possible to look at it that way, even if you don't like them, you still love them.  I have asked the same question, can I have a relationship with my gd and not her mother, and I agree it is pretty hard.  I will continue to email her, but I never know if odd may change the email address or not allow her to reply.   It is an awful feeling not knowing where you stand, and just hoping.  But I am in a better position than a year ago, thanks to WWU, I don't know how I would have gotten through this year without the advice of everyone here. 
Please keep posting and let us know what happens..........Jill