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Messages - malfoyfan

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Yes, I have tried that method and found it works well.  In the past I tended to snap too, but I've been working on other responses.  I used it that day in reference to Facebook posts I have seen over the past few months, when we were not allowed to see the baby, and then I'd see the FB posts of all these other people seeing her, and I told DIL how it made me feel. 

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No, we aren't going to gang up on her -  that would be counterproductive.  What I mean is that if one of us notices something that person will speak up.  In my family we tend not to deal with problems until they blow up into bigger ones and that needs to stop.  I want to have as good a relationship with DIL as possible.  I just don't want to have to give up my right to have an opinion or disagree with her about something to get it.

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Update:  Our talk went a lot better than I expected.  I posted an update on the "other post" I did by error and here is the same update to this post.

My niece was not present.  DIL objected to her being there so it was just the four of us.  I couldn't talk at first, got upset and choked up.  DH stepped in and was great - calmly laid out all the issues we have with DIL and her FOO.  I was so proud of him.  DIL actually listened - didn't get hysterical or run out - and then had her say while we listened.  I felt like we made progress.  We have more things to hash out - time was limited for this talk and we'll most likely talk more down the road.  But I felt that DIL got at least some of what was bothering us and why and that she will process it.  She tends to idealize her family and I felt that she is still resistant to hearing anything against them.  We pointed out that sometimes in-laws just don't click and that it isn't anyone's fault.

I'll be watching her behavior and DH and my family and I agreed that if we see her trying to use the baby as a pawn or favoring her parents, we'll speak up.  We did see the baby the next day, which was very enjoyable.  So, I think we have a chance of mending the situation as we go forward.  We all agreed we need to have more honest communication and to be able to air grievances without it ending the relationship. 

Thank you for the input on this issue.  Everyone's advice is much appreciated.  :-)

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Hi!  Thank you for the wise words.  I agree that it is pointless to try to change others.  I'm working on myself and also having a good relationship with my DH and family other than DS and DIL.

However, I'm happy to report that our talk went a lot better than I expected.  My DIL had a lot to say, some of which was valid (she has some areas to work on, but that isn't my problem).  I found myself choking up and unable to speak at first, and my DH stepped in and was magnificent.  He very calmly laid out all of our issues with DIL and her FOO in detail and I think she actually heard at least some of it.  She tends to idealize her family, esp. her father (who we don't care for), and I think hearing another point of view gave her some food for thought about how her family comes across to outsiders.  I calmed down after a while and was able to discuss some things with DIL. 

One thing I will be watching with her is a tendency to use their child as a pawn.  If she tries this again, we're all going to call her on it.  ("All" meaning me, DH, my SIL and brother, and my niece.)  My family agrees with me that this type of behavior isn't acceptable and that we can't keep quiet about it. 

So, I would say we made some progress, we still have things to work out, but we got to see the baby the next day, which made me very happy.  We agreed that we need better and more honest communication, and I intend to hold us all to that going forward.  We're going to see them again in a few weeks so we'll see how that goes.

Thanks again for the help.  The support of those who have been there is very valuable.  :-)

Again, I apologize for the double post.  I'm going to respond to the other post now.

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Sadly, I'm only too aware of the many stories I've read about this type of situation.  I don't have a lot of expectations.  We just need to try at this point.

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My son is not happy with DIL's behavior either.  They've had fights over her not wanting to 'share' the baby with us.  So the way I look at it, he's stuck between trying to placate her and trying to help us out.  I have a feeling we're going to end up having to see a counselor, if she's even willing to do that.

I already know she's not interested in our version of things - but I feel like we have to do something before this gets any worse.  When they got married, I saw red flags, but I figured we had to make the best of it because this is who he chose, but over the last year it's become a very weird, bad situation with her.  It's like we're finally seeing who she really is, and it sort of horrified me.  It also became clear to me that her primary relationship is with her parents - not her husband, for all she claims to love him so much (on Facebook).  A loving wife doesn't treat her husband's parents like this.

I also feel that this isn't going to end well - I've seen this type of behavior before (wife allowing only her family to see the baby, her mother being totally obsessed with the baby like it's her own, etc.), in my DH's family, and that marriage ended in divorce.   I don't know what will happen with my son's marriage, but I hope he is able to convince her to see a counselor and improve their relationship, and that if she's not willing to see us, then not raise objections if he brings the baby over by himself. 

Thank you all for your input and wish me luck. 

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Hi Marina, thank you for your input.  I'm not sure my niece is going to be as impartial as I'd like, but I figured I'd give her a chance.  She is suggesting that her dad come along as a backup.  I'm for this because my brother is very cool-headed and very good in negotiating with people (he's a lawyer).  This is just a shot in the dark.  I have no idea if we'll succeed in getting anywhere with my DIL, who has been extremely difficult over the last 6 months.  If this doesn't work, I'm going to suggest to my son that we try counseling together, even if we have to drive to their place (3 hours away).  I really want a relationship with my granddaughter.  We haven't seen her since April. 

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Sorry this posted twice!  The page said it wasn't working, then it worked too well.

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My son and DIL are coming over Saturday to have a discussion about the situation we have in which she will not allow us to see their 6-month-old daughter.  She also won't speak to us, as demonstrated recently at my nephew's wedding.  We have repeatedly asked them to come over and talk about it.  My niece, who is very close to my son and very distressed about the situation, asked if she can join in as a mediator.

My question to you all is, do you have any advice for how to proceed so the talk is productive?  Because it's an emotional situation, and my DIL is VERY defensive about her conduct, I want to try to keep things calm and rational.  If anyone here has been through this, please tell me what you did and how it turned out.  Thanks in advance for any guidance.

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My son and DIL are coming over Saturday to have a discussion about the situation we have in which she will not allow us to see their 6-month-old daughter.  She also won't speak to us, as demonstrated recently at my nephew's wedding.  We have repeatedly asked them to come over and talk about it.  My niece, who is very close to my son and very distressed about the situation, asked if she can join in as a mediator.

My question to you all is, do you have any advice for how to proceed so the talk is productive?  Because it's an emotional situation, and my DIL is VERY defensive about her conduct, I want to try to keep things calm and rational.  If anyone here has been through this, please tell me what you did and how it turned out.  Thanks in advance for any guidance.

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Father's Day
« on: July 17, 2017, 05:36:47 PM »
I was always interested in my family's history, documents, and artifacts, from an early age.  I'm planning to ask my niece, who was very close to my mother, if she would be interested in helping me make sure we keep our family's treasures safe. 

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Argument with son
« on: July 17, 2017, 12:32:44 PM »
My son is the same way - calls when he's in the car or walking the dog.  LOL  Lately I haven't bothered picking up the phone anyway.  I'm so frustrated with him I don't really enjoy talking to him.  A few years ago I'd feel honored to get a call but times have changed.

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Leaving AC out of the will
« on: July 17, 2017, 12:29:53 PM »
That's very interesting to me - I'm considering leaving my estate to medical research and something to my niece and nephews.  Thank you for the info.  I'll be sure to leave a "something" to my son. 

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Am I Overthinking This One?
« on: July 17, 2017, 12:28:20 PM »
We have some similar issues with gifts.  We either get nothing or some cheap meaningless gift.  All it says to us is "we're here with you so we had to do something."  My DIL apparently thinks that if you aren't going to see someone on a holiday or birthday, you don't have to give them a gift.  That may be true - it just isn't how I operate.  I always sent my MIL a gift for her birthday, Mother's Day, etc.  I always gave both my parents a gift for birthday, Mother's/Father's Day, Christmas.  That's just how I do things.  It hurts my feelings when they give us stuff that is meaningless or just given because they needed to cross us off their shopping list.  I know intellectually I need to get over it, but it's hard.  I've cut back on the amount I spend on them because of it.  My DH says we should just ignore them the way they ignore us.  What I'd really like is quality time spent with them and with our granddaughter, but that apparently isn't in the cards either. 

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Father's Day
« on: July 16, 2017, 10:26:00 PM »
I agree...a lot is being lost.  Lately I look around my house (which was my parents' house) and think, what is my son going to do with all these things when I'm gone?  Will they just end up in a landfill?  All my books, pictures, decorative items, things I made, things that belonged to my mother and grandmother?   Recently I was tempted to buy an item at an art gallery and I didn't, because all I could think of was someone throwing it out some day.  My husband said, that's a really bad way to think about it.  Yes, but it's also realistic, given the way the younger generation is used to just throwing things out.  I treasure my grandmother's photo albums from the 1920s, her books she loved, beautiful lace handkerchiefs her sisters made. 

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