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Hello WW,

It's been a rollercoaster over the past several days. On Wednesday my son spoke my D and came home later to tell me that she wasn't happy in her situation and wanted to come home. I asked my son is this something she wants or is this something you told her would be best for her. Because of course we think that but her actions prove otherwise. He said she would call me the next day. She gave him the impression that the living situation was a struggle. So the next day my son and H were prepared to go over and pick her and her things up and then we would talk about the conditions of her being here once again.

Long story short, it never happened. My H and son went over but it wasn't without some kind of drama on her end. Turns out the landlord where she was staying had no idea the renter had additional people in her apt so I am sure she got in trouble for that. My H also wanted to speak to her prior to see if her wanting to come home was genuine. Turns out she only wanted a better place to rest her head. He told her that if she didn't want to come home she didn't need to. She said she wasn't ready. That she was good where she was. I at this point was frustrated because I was at work in meetings and did not have any say as to what was going on as it was happening.

When I got home I spoke to my Son and H. My son explained that my D feels that with these people she may have some great opportunities when it comes to make up. Supposedly when she went to GA with these people she met some famous rappers and his assistant who asked her to help with make up and told her she could help her get some more gigs in the future. These guys she is living with are up and coming rappers, however the one she is taking to seems to have money funneled to him everyday. Although this is the case my D is seriously behind on all of her bills. I doubt that taking the fast track to being successful will help her, or trying to do so on his coat tails. Younger people seem to always want to skip the trainings, and degrees these days.

So my son took her back. I went later that evening when I got home from work with my son to return her things after the landlord had left the property. My D didn't look unhappy. I told her how disappointed I was that she wasn't willing to come home. She said she would but that she'd still wind up there. I told her coming home meant wanting to go to school, work and make something of yourself. This was what I was willing to help with. But at the same time I couldn't deal with the stress of her disappearing or not following through with the things we expect of her. So this may be for the best.

She mentioned how the apt she was staying at was broken into while they were away and how whoever broke in made holes in the walls and killed her guinea pig. She also mentioned that her friend that had some of her bins with her belongings threw out her things on the lawn and in the dumpster after a falling out. I told her that she needs to realize that even the people who she considers friends will do things to hurt you so you need to be careful and not so trusting. I don't like what is going on. But I cant control it and don't want this in my home. She really needs to figure things out and for now I will be an ear and I told her I would be her friend. She was surprised as she said, you always said you weren't my friend. I told her while you are living with me and I am responsible that is different. This is a different dynamic and our relationship will not be the same. Our relationship will depend on our communication and whatever you decide to talk to me about. I will be here to listen.

I met her roommate before I left. She too looks like she has issues. She mentioned how out of the group that is there my D is the only one who has a mom. She said my D would be ok and safe, she promised me that. I told her that as her Mom I needed to know that for myself. But I don't know or trust that girl, and she doesn't know how much my D threw away to be in the terrible situation with her. From my understanding they have to be out of that apt by the end of the month. The girl mentioned getting a home in another town. I am not sure how my D feels about that if she starts a new job here. So who knows where the wind will take them or what she bases her future decisions on. This is a new experience for all of them and I don't believe it will last long or work out the way they think i will. I just want her to be safe.

Thanks Bamboo2. We went to see the therapist last night. He was sorry to hear about our D and her choices. He did tell us that she made a choice and that we had to accept that we no longer had control. He did say that it's still very fresh and because of her personality and and immaturity there is still a chance she may want to come home.

He said if she asks that we should accept her back. I told him that my issues are what was mentioned here. Living at home, relying on us yet still wanting to go out there and do all of the things that made her leave. My home will not be a place to rest her head. I would want for her to have a plan. Show us that she can be responsible and trusted. Right now we don't know what the truth is. Or even how she really feels about anything. She has been gone over a month now and she has spoken to me a few times.

He mentioned that we should focus on our M which I believe has taken a hit behind this. So we will continue to see him. I have to admit I do have some anger towards my H over this as over the years when we have had difficulties with my D his first response was always screaming and yelling and telling her to get out of our house.  Last year when there were issues she would just leave and didn't wait for my H to get that angry. When she would go he would look for her and say he wants her home but then would make threats later about her getting out again whenever he would be upset.

Last night he mentioned wanting her to be home but when he started talking about the conditions and his attitude I could foresee that not even working out. He made some kind of analogy referencing a very tight leash. It made me upset because at this point that is not the answer.

She hasn't asked to come home anyway for now, but we have to work on us and how we handle things.  This is what I feel is important.

I finally got a text yesterday. I did an audio FaceTime and told her what he said was would. I could tell she was somewhere where she didn't have any privacy and a guy who was speaking to to her was nasty. She wanted me to say hell to her friend but I said nothing. She said I wasn't being very nice. I told her you have been out of my house over a month and you don't know your friends or where you are staying. So I really don't feel like being nice.

She mentioned wanting to see me and asked her friend if she could use her car. I told her so you have to ask permission for things there too huh? Doesn't sound so different from when you were home.  She said yeah I guess it's not. She never came by and whoever's ipad she used to speak to me when am guessing they took it back.

My son mentioned last night that she texted him 2 days ago asking him if he thought I would allow her back home. He told her maybe yes, but she wouldn't have the freedom to do whatever she wants and I won't hand her the car. She didn't respond to him. But at least I know something is making her feel this way. Hopefully it's not convenience.

Hi All,

I spoke to my best friend who is also a Therapist. She told me to keep my conversation positive even though I still didn't get a call. She says to tell her thanks for calling...let her know that I love her, that we all do and that now that she has made the choice to be out on her own and make certain choices that all I wanted to do was forward some information that i received and that she needs to be responsible for handling this. She also said I should let her know that going forward she should provide her actual cell phone and address that she is residing. Ultimately she is responsible for herself.

All good advice I think. She also told me that if her first words are what are you doing, always say something positive and fun, like planning my next vacation, getting ready to try a new restaurant, etc. This way she senses that I am not concerned with her or her nonsense.

I hope I can do all of this without breaking down and doing all of the things I shouldn't.

Louise,

I didn't get a call just yet today. So not sure if it's cause her phone is really toast or that she saw my text and heard my voice message me was deterred. Maybe later tonight when she knows I will be home.

My girlfriend whose D is 18 said something similar, except she said she gets a lot of advice but at the end of the day I don't listen. I do what I feel.

I feel kinda numb.

Thanks Bamboo2,

What you said makes sense. My D is back and called me last night. She had gotten the message that the wanted to speak to her. So she will call me later today when her phone is fixed. Originally I wanted to have the conversation you mentioned where I know all that she will do is back away.

I guess he can only tell her that I hope she considers what she is doing going forward and not to route her issues in my direction. I can mention what I saw but how I feel about it is my own issue.

I am not sure what else to say but I do want her to remember that she has a family who loves her.

Do you think this is ok?   

Thanks Bamboo, Luise and Marina,

I know I have allowed the love I have for my daughter to make things worse I believe. Tough love my H and exH have pushed for me to enforce.

Today I got a call from Walmart. Turns out the CEC program was looking for my daughter as they had her sign up after she was caught Shoplifting today wherever she is. I was really upset. I also don't know why she gave them her old number as opposed to her new number. So I did what I said I wouldn't do. I sent her the message I recused and a co corned text. I even called and left a voice message. No reply.

I have an appointment on Monday with our family therapist. I hope he can help us handle this all better. My girlfriend seems to think that finding out these bits and pieces are a blessing. It lets me know what's going on, however it makes me more anxious and worried.

Luise I know you spoke of letting go, but I find it really hard to do right now. My D has nothing and she is traveling with low life's and now this. Every month she seems to top the month prior with her behavior.

I am going to try and take that deep breath again.

I am starting to get some negative feedback from friends who don't agree that I should take some time and keep away from my daughter. They say love on her as much as I can. But I believe this is where she got me and took advantage. What do you think given the situation?

Thanks all for the kind words and virtual hugs. My best friend is a therapist and told me that she could have a personality disorder as well. She lives all the way in FL we are in NY so she only knows what I tell her.

I want to get my life back. My H has been home due to knee surgery and he goes back Thursday. He works nights. He is a police officer. I thought my D would have the common sense to do real gut especially knowing this. But t she simply doesn't care.

I will take some deep needed breathes tonight. This might be a good start.

Thanks Bamboo2,

When I first found this site I did read your posts about your daughter. I guess that is what made me sign up. Yes my daughter has substance and alcohol issues. She is defiant and has lied and done so many things over the years to cause us much pain.

I recently learned that she is hanging out with and traveling with a guy who walks around with stacks of money. I am not sure what he does to make his money but I suspect drug trafficking as January 13th.

My exH her dad just recently found out about her behavior and her taking off. He had a bunch of instagram photos that were sent to him by people who are concerned about what she is doing. He was upset with me for not talking to him about it, but honestly he does not make it a point to connect with her and never has. He did take that opportunity to say he would stop my child support.

I sent my daughter the pics and told her if she doesn't change her life then leave me out of it. I know this sounds harsh but I have been put through it and back. I can't see how playing nice will ease any of my feelings about her behavior.

If it was the case of just her being with someone then it may be different . In relationship a as you grow older you grow apart especially when you are young. My daughter may outgrow this relationship but it is not without putting herself in danger and doing things that have damaged our relationship.

I want the believe that my daughter will get it one day and my life will be calm again but I don't. I am going to see a therapist soon to help me cope.

I hope to continue to get some guidance here or well wishes. You are right, I am going through something. I will try and take my life back. Do something everyday for me. My daughter leaving brought me the same mixed emotions including relief. So I understand not wanting to go back to that.

I don't want to talk to her right now. I don't know if that is wrong. I just don't. I feel so ashamed, embarrassed and disappointed that I can't have a normal conversation.

I just need this year to be better. My son leaves for the Army in 6 weeks and I am trying to enjoy him. I am truly proud of him. I wish I could say the same for my daughter.

Thanks Luise,

I do agree that i need to change my response, my focus and how I am feeling. I am off this week from work, but I think as I have more to do and focus on it may hurt a little less.

I have ready many stories and I know none are the same. But it does help me to know that I am not the only one. You are right about that self pity feeling. I wanted her life to go the way we planned and she pulled the plug on it.  I am looking for a therapist to help me to cope. Being too much into these thoughts isn't healthy for me.

Thanks.

When I think about how I could have lost my job because of the many times I had to go to her school and how my marriage suffered as well. My H and I always fighting about how to handle her and this situation. Eventually we wound up in MC as well.

We are trying to heal our marriage. My H has been beside me making sure I don't get sick or fall into a deeper sadness than needed. I am being distant as my heart cannot feel the kind of happiness or love it should.

Does it get to a point where I just stop caring? Not sure how to let go like a lot of people have told me thus far.

Thanks,

I know that I have done my best. I just find it amazing and heartbreaking that my own child cannot see what is in front of her face. I am convinced that she may have a personality disorder however when she was treated last the therapist did not confirm that. He only mentioned her immaturity.

She is out there and has never had to pay real bills. She did want me to give her the car I am making payments on so that she may continue. But when I bought it, I bought it for the person living under my roof for school and work. I have no idea how she makes her money or what the intention is for the car but my name is on it. I put a heft deposit on it and its not going anywhere.

I still have not heard from her. I don't think I should reach out and say anything. I did nothing wrong. I honestly cannot see myself having any relationship with her after all that she has put us through. The fighting at home, the disrespect the lack of caring. Its surreal to me. I wanted her to have a better path. Why cant our kids trust us. why listen to their jerky friends who have nothing to show?

First of all, I am hoping to find some kind of support here and maybe insight from others who may have gone through or going through what I have. So in advance thank you.

My story may be long, but it is what it is.

My daughter turned 19 in September. Since the age of 12 she would get in trouble at school. I used to get called in all of the time. There was a girl at school named Jenny who used to bully her and this made it difficult. She was doing things at home like stealing and lying. Then she stole someone's boots at school. I had to pay for them and she had to do community service. I along with her.

She started to see a mental health therapist who diagnosed her with oppositional defiance disorder. She told me that as she got older she may grow out of it but she never did. After a while we stopped seeing the therapist as she would get upset with my daughter during sessions where it became too much for her and she pretty much wished me luck.

As she got older each year things seemed to get worse. More trouble at school. Turned out she became friends with her bully and seemed to always get in trouble with her. Jenny would tell her that we didn't care about her and would encourage her to run away several times. During her senior year I found out she was smoking pot. My  smoke alarms at home went off and i saw she had a towel stuffed under her door. She went to school and later that day was suspended from school from smoking pot with Jenny on the school grounds. So getting caught didn't even make her feel any kind of way. She was facing expulsion and I put her in a rehab program. She went for 6 months to a group meeting Saturdays from 2-3. I drove her there. So this was my sentence too.

In June 2015 she tested clean. She graduate HS by the skin of her teeth. Because of all of the stresses she put us through we decided not to buy her a car as we did for our son when he graduated the year prior. She needed to earn it. So that summer she worked and I enrolled her in community college. Her  brother was attending the same school so he would driver her. She complained she wanted to drive and have her own car. We tested her for pot and she came up positive again. I told her as long as she smokes pot that would never happen.

She didn't argue much anymore about it but she would do other things at home to upset us. She'd come home later than we asked her to. Then one night in January of this year she lied to us saying she would be with friends in the city and she disappeared. Her friends said they weren't with her and she would not return our calls or texts. We were worried and called the police the next day when she didn't come home. She eventually came home that morning with some story that we didn't believe. Crocodile tears telling us that her friends father tried to sexually assault her. I told her if she felt like she was in danger why didn't she use her phone and call for help? this would be the beginning of more times that she would lie and just leave our home.

After the second semester ended my daughter sad she wanted to go a different route. She wanted to be an esthetician. I had no issues with this and helped her look into programs. We were considering enrolling her in September. Prior to her birthday we had planed a family trip. We allowed our kids to choose the location. They chose Cancun. They were excited. A week before we would go she left again. No reason and then suggested if she did go she would have to keep away from us and do her own thing. This upset me and I just cancelled her ticket altogether.  She was staying with her friend Jenny and her family. I went over to talk to Jenny's mother but she wasn't your typical concerned parent. I felt that as long as my D could pay her a rent it was all good.

When we got back from our trip my D wanted to talk to us. She asked to come home. Said things would change. She got another cell phone as she sad she did not want us tracking her. I told her that I was ok that she wanted to be responsible for her own phone. However living here means answering your phone and letting us know where you are. She said she wanted to work her way to enrolling in school and getting a car. In November we enrolled her in school. The start date was December 5th. The weekend of Thanksgiving we bought her a car. We gave it to her with restrictions. To use only for school and work. She was supposed to test clean for pot if she wanted full possession. Then she dropped a bomb on us that she had quit her job but insisted she had interviewed and would be starting another one at a bakery.

The first day of school she was asked to see a doctor. She had ringworm on her face and the director said she couldn't come back until it cleared. My D was upset and had a note that excused her for 3 days. During the days she couldn't go to school she told us she'd be working, however I couldn't believe that they would allow her to work with a fungus on her face. When my husband went to check on her it turned out she was lying. She had taken the car and disappeared. Didn't return our call or texts. We were worrying all night. Checked her room for clues. Found out she had a pet guinea pig she never told us about. She came home at 6:00am the next day and put 270 miles on the car.

She had no remorse. She was more upset because we told her she couldn't use the car. She even suggested being grounded.  She asked about school and my H said he'd drive her. which i thought wouldn't work as he works evenings and he'd be too tired. She was not happy about that idea but he took her to school that day. That afternoon she face timed me saying she had someone who take the guinea pig. I told her to have the person come get it but she said she'd need to take it. I told her I'd take her since she is not allowed to go anywhere because of what she did. But she said she had to take care of business and was not doing that. Long story short she left and has not come back home.

She has broken me emotionally and financially. I don't know what else to say or do. She went to her friend Jenny's house again but I found out her family didn't care for the in and out behavior. I have since withdrawn her from school, packed her room up and have most of her belongings in my basement, and have the car I bought sitting on my driveway. I gave her till the end of February to get her things or they get donated. She came by for Christmas to collect gifts and was even disappointed that I didn't get her what she wanted, meanwhile I saw she had new clothes, hair done, nails done and didn't bring me anything.

I haven't spoken to her since Christmas eve. I have found out she spends her time with friends drinking and smoking in hotels around the state. I am beyond disappointed. I have been through so much with her. The disrespect, lack of remorse and insight is unbelievable. She has crossed every boundary imaginable. I am trying to stay sane. I really don't want to speak to her and at the same time am trying to keep healthy boundaries. I refuse to do anything else for her. I cant believe she is this way or that I gave birth to someone like this. I remember telling her once how my mom had nothing and I would always do anything and everything to make her proud. I would never speak to her the way she does me. Her answer was "I'm not you".

Just a sad situation. Any feedback and support is welcome. I really need virtual hugs right now.