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Messages - Pen

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1
Yes, great solution Luise! You can't be a doormat if you refuse to lie down.

I know I can't untrain my family in one or two holiday cycles after all these years of allowing their rudeness, but I'm working on it.

2
Welcome, Hachen!  :) :) :)

3
Welcome, S.

Your post brings back memories. So sorry you're experiencing this, but you're not alone. Find Pooh's old posts. She was a moderator here and found great ways to live her best life while missing her DS & GC due to a similar dynamic to yours.

I agree that space is needed now, but perhaps there is a way to let your DS know that if your absence from his wedding is what he truly wants, you will honor his wishes. He'll be thinking about it (is this really what I want?), and it will put the responsibility for this situation on him where it belongs (maybe I should have stood up for my FOO?)

You probably are not thrilled about attending at this point, even if he changes his mind. I doubt I'd want to be around people who've let their dislike of me be known. Make some other plans! Pamper yourself, travel, spend the wedding gift/rehearsal dinner/new outfit/whatever money on yourself!! (((hugs)))

4
Good plan, J. I think inclusion, even if rebuffed time and again, is a good thing. Eventually she'll come around and if not, at least you know you did the right/kind/loving thing. (((hugs)))

I'm reading Brene Brown's book on shame (I Thought it Was Just Me, But it Isn't.) Wow, very enlightening! She believes we all want to be included and to feel we are worthy of love and compassion, even if we run away from those things in fear of not deserving them.

Continue loving!

5
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At my wits end
« on: September 27, 2017, 05:21:59 PM »
M, acceptance has been difficult for me, too. I decided I was not ready to give up on DS, but I sure got close. In my case it worked out and he has come around. I'm wary about what will happen when the baby arrives, but so far things seem ok. I seem to hold a little back, just in case. That hurt from before has not completely gone away.

Anyway, I am still working on accepting how things are and may be in the future. To do so I have had to quit thinking "It's not fair!!" No, it's not, but what can I do about it? I try to be happy for my friends who have closer relationships with their AC and all the extended family (DIL FOO, etc.) I don't want to jeopardize what I do have with DS. It could be a lot worse!

That's not to say I'm all better and never have a bad day. It gets me every now and then. However, I am wiser to my triggers and can avoid them most of the time. Holidays are still a bit tough, but so much better than they were a decade ago when I first came to this site, desperate and confused. I learned to take care of myself and find my own life again. That advice (thanks Luise & all the WW!) saved me.


6
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« on: September 27, 2017, 05:09:07 PM »
IMO, once a child becomes an adult the parenting is done. Complaining about a spouse to his/her parent only serves to create tension between the complainer and the parent. If there are issues that need to be addressed, the couple needs to deal with them and leave parents out of it.

7
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: adult son tells of years of abuse
« on: September 27, 2017, 04:51:01 PM »
K, welcome. I'm so sorry you are going through this very painful situation, but I'm glad you are here. As the others have said, keep reading and posting. (((hugs)))

8
S, welcome. Please take care of yourself through this difficult time. I agree with the other posts. You are not alone.

9
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Starting to find acceptance
« on: September 08, 2017, 10:57:43 AM »
Welcome! (((hugs))) So glad you found us  :)

10
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Two years later...
« on: August 29, 2017, 09:10:02 AM »
I agree!

Luckily for me & my family it seems to have worked out. The wisdom & support I found here @ WWU kept me sane & lovingly detached while DS & DIL figured out what was what. In the meantime DH & I rediscovered our relationship & interests. If DS & DIL had decided to cut us off we would have been sad but would have had our own lives to go back to.

In a way I think our detachment gave them breathing room. DIL saw that we were not going to take over their lives or put pressure on DS to pay attention to us at her expense. Now that their first child is on the way (yay!) I hope we can handle grandparenting with the same wisdom. I told DS we'd be sensitive about when to back off & when to be available & he said that the other GPs will be super involved/spoiling so we should be, too. Lol!

11
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
« on: August 13, 2017, 08:05:15 PM »
It's a start, for sure! How wonderful that your DS is letting you know that he values you. That is the best thing! I hope your relationship builds from there and your DIL eventually stops "managing" you.

I came with that word to describe how my dad's wife controls how/when my dad, my sibling & I are allowed to interact. Maybe it also pertains to your DIL ;-)

Best wishes!

12
Grab Bag / Re: As usual, acceptance!
« on: July 28, 2017, 01:10:54 PM »
Thank you all. I'm very grateful for you & for my DH who centers me & reminds me to focus on those who love me.

13
Grab Bag / Re: Congratulations to Bamboo2 and StillLearning!
« on: July 28, 2017, 12:51:16 PM »
Yay!! Welcome to the Mod Squad, lol!!

This site changed my life, too. I hope we can be of service and comfort to all who find themselves in that confusing, maddening, painful place when relationships with AC/ILs/FOOs/et al go awry.

We may be the Mods, but this site really takes all of us :-)

14
Grab Bag / Re: Deleted Member
« on: July 18, 2017, 07:29:26 PM »
Thank you, Luise!

15
Grab Bag / Re: As usual, acceptance!
« on: July 18, 2017, 07:27:59 PM »
Thank you guys, love my WWU!

I'm a dutiful daughter from another era, up to a point. Since my dad is approaching the century mark I made the decision to take advantage of an opportunity to see him. He's not much for conversations these days (come to think of it, was he ever?) He says he's glad I came, but I'm not getting a lot else from him. No big discussions are likely.

I let SM know I am not buying her lies & manipulations. She got extremely defensive when she realized she'd caught herself in her own web. She backed down, momentarily. It's likely she'll retaliate in some way, she's way smarter than I.

At this point I don't believe I have anything to lose.

NPD does not sound at farfetched. Not wanting to play junior psychiatrist here, but I wouldn't be at all surprised.

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