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Topics - themuffin

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1
Grandchildren / Blindsided...
« on: March 30, 2016, 09:11:01 AM »
Hello Wise Women!

I come back to visit every now and then.  Truth be told the DIL that caused me to find this site is now the daughter of my heart.  She gives me cards and long text messages expressing her love for me and my husband and how lucky her daughter is to have us as grandparents.  She doesn't say it everyday, just when it's needed...like last night.

I became a grandma for the fourth time over the weekend.  My first grandson.  He may have been born on Easter of the Saturday before and maybe a few days before that.  We don't know.  Not even my son, his dad.  They are no longer together, but had been communicating.  She and I had also been communicating and she promised to keep me update about the pending birth.  All was well between us.  We had a falling out last summer but it was water under the bridge and she was over a couple of weeks ago to see the gifts I'd gotten for the baby. She seemed pleased and grateful. 

So why did we find out he was born via a facebook post?  I kept asking son if he'd heard anything.  My last text to her went unanswered but that's not uncommon for her.  Sunday morning as I'm preparing Easter dinner for my family and guest he comes down and tells me that my grandson was born.  I asked when.  He said she posted his picture on facebook seven hours ago.  She did not contact us at all.  My son was hurt, but masked it with anger.  He must have texted her because shortly after he was blocked from her page.

I texted her congratulations.  I asked her his name, weight and height and told him that he looked just like his dad and it brought back memories.  She responded pleasantly.  I didn't think she had an issue with me and just assumed her problem was with my son.  I asked if she could please tell me his birthday and never received a reply.  I went to view his picture on her page again and discovered that I was now blocked!

My son has said he doesn't have a son.  I been able to view other pictures on her page and I sent one to son.  He asked me to please not send anymore.  I have not attempted to contact her since Sunday.  I did text her that she would have to explain this to the baby someday and that we loved him.  Well, that was Sunday and Son nor I have heard a thing.

I've started a diary for him.  I hope this blows over and maybe someday we can have a relationship with him.  But truth be told I'm furious that she would use the baby as a pawn to hurt my son.  I look at his pictures repeatedly. My arms long to hold him.  I haven't seen his eyes, his tiny fingers or toes.  How can anyone be so heartless?

Thanks. I just needed to share.


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Hey guys,

It's been a long while since I've been a part of these boards. The support and advice I received from you wonderful people helped me to cope during one of the hardest times of my adult life. 

I doubt anyone remembers me but I was alienated from my eldest son and his the soon to be mother of his child.  She had made it very clear that she never wanted to be friends and we'd never be close.  My son supported her but he did eventually work on healing our relationship.  Well, their daughter is now three years old and the apple of my eye and guess what??? Her mother and I are very close.  We have bonded deeply and show each other nothing but love and support.  She has written me texts and cards that have made me cry.  I call her the daughter of my heart.  So yes, it can get better!

Anyhoo...here for a different son.  Middle son and I have a decent relationship and I'm very proud of him.  He has his ways but I usually just let it slide.  However, on Xmas eve my hubby and I were having a heated argument in our home.  Nothing violent, but voices (well, my voice) was raised and yes, it was late.  Hubby and I rarely ever argue so this is not normal.  Middle son knocks on the door in the middle of heated discussion and tells us that he's trying to sleep and I am being inconsiderate because he has to get up at 3 am. 

Can someone please tell me if I'm crazy to think that I shouldn't have to ask my adult son permission to have an argument with my own husband in my own house?  We were discussing something very important and we never got a chance to address it because son interrupted.  It may very well get loud again if we talk about it.  Perhaps I should ask my son if it's ok with him if his father and I talk about it a week from Thursday at 6 pm?  I don't think so!!

Any advice?  I'm willing to accept all opinions.

Thanks so much!


3
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Older, Wiser, and still here...
« on: January 15, 2014, 08:09:27 PM »
I found myself thinking about this site because I may be on the verge of losing my relationship with another son.  I came here a few years ago when I lost my relationship with with my oldest DS which was destroyed by FDIL.  Well, she tried all she could to destroy me.  Even tried to have the dog killed.  Yep, called animal control and said he bit her.  Fudge is a cocker spaniel and hates her and probably would have bitten her if he could have but he didn't.  She just did it to try to hurt me.  Luckily nothing came of it as the officer saw it for what it was. 

Anyhoo...believe it or not the relationship with that DS repaired itself.  The granddaughter I thought I would never see, I see almost every weekend. And she adores me just as much as I adore her.

My issue is now with the FDIL that I once adored.  I opened my home to her three times. Each time is worst.  She is the mother of two of my precious granddaughters.  One biological, one loved just the same as the other.  She and my son are no longer "together".  He treated her two shades of awful and now wonders why she hates him.  I know why.  So she lives here instead of her only other option (a shelter) and it's so obvious she doesn't want to be here.  She does many things that annoy me or simply shows that she has no respect for my home, buy mostly I hold it in and deal with it.  If it gets really bad I ask DS to talk to her.  I found out that she doesn't understand why I don't tell her myself.  Silly me thought it may be easier coming from him as I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. 

Truth is she is destroying my home. She doesn't contribute one red cent.  She allows the babies to do as they please.  I'm watching my once beautiful home became a dump.  I made a room in my home into a lovely nursery.  I'll clean it, she'll let them mess it up. They are only one and two and half years old.  Hardly old enough to clean up after themselves.  She cleans nothing.  My rule was that we all clean up after ourselves and all should be well.  Well, she doesn't do anything.  The lovely guest room I gave to her and my son is destroyed. It is a mess!!!  I hate the site of it.  He blames her she blames him.  My water bill has gone from $400 to $600.  My electric bill is over the moon.  She doesn't work.  She'll leave my home a mess and go hang out with friends.  And this is a mess SHE made. I hate to say this but I'M SICK OF HER AND WANT HER OUT!!!!

I love the babies, they have no where else to go.  How can any grandma send her darling grands to a shelter?  I don't know what to do.  She is using us and it's so obvious. The first time she moved out was on my 25th wedding anniversary without any warning. Totally ruined the day.  She treated me as if I never did anything for her.  She has no respect for my home or me.  She'll walk into our home and not even speak. Same when she leaves.  She rarely locks my front doors and we live in New York, not paradise. We've asked her to lock them repeatedly.

Long story short...we have had it.  Asking her to leave will most likely end our relationship.  Son will resent it as well.  I'm torn.  What do I do?  I did talk to her myself and I hope this resolves it, but I've spoken to her before and it didn't last long.

Do I send my babies to a shelter, or do I put her with her?

Thanks!

P.S.  I think the reason me and oldest DS (the reason I found this site) made peace is because I didn't push it.  I just left it alone and he found his way home.  I don't think that always works, but I did find that the harder I pushed the more he pushed away.  When I let go he found his way back to me.  We aren't close, but we are close enough. I have a relationship with a granddaughter I thought I'd never see.  Keep hope alive, everyone.  God is good!

Hugs Wise Women!!!

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Loss of a loved one
« on: August 01, 2012, 11:40:09 AM »

Sad but good story-
I recently lost my beloved furbaby suddenly after a dental cleaning. He was a cat that I hand raised.  Literally made him bottles and fed him at 2 am.  He was a furry son to me and truth be told, I'm still not coping well. This was last Friday.  I texted DS that he died.  He called me immediately to make sure I was okay.  Everyone knows how I loved that cat.  Sat. we took him for a necropsy. Sat. afternoon DS, FDIL and GB came by to visit.  They stayed until 11:30 pm.  They stayed that long to be there for me.  It was one of the kindest things that FDIL could have done for me.  It made me hope that someday I could perhaps convince her that I would like to be there for her just as she was there for me.  Yep.....a solid 9, heck....maybe even a 10. ;D

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Please advise...
« on: July 09, 2012, 01:08:20 PM »
Hello Wise Women,

   Please help me to see things from the perspective of wiser eyes.  My DS came by yesterday.  He was with out GD and FDIL, which was fine.  We were thrilled to see him and he was a joy to have around.  I asked about GD and what personality traits she's showing, what does she do (she's newborn so I didn't expect much..maybe smiles a lot...responds to his voice..little things like that. DS said all she does is eat, sleep, poop and cry. Crying and pooping in large amounts...sleeping, not so much.  According to DS she's not any fun yet, lol.  It's not easy being a parent. ;)

So anyhoo, a little later I ask him for more pictures because I haven't seen her in a week and he's really bad at sending them.  He says, "won't you come on over."  I said that we didn't think it was a good idea after the last visit.  We weren't going to ask to come over, we were going to wait for an invitation.  We told DS that we didn't think FDIL wanted us around.....Here's the kicker....FDIL has complained that we haven't asked to come by and see the baby and thinks it's really strange that we don't want to see her! :o  This is the same person that threw us out just last week.

I was at a loss for words until I finally said we are danged if we do, and danged if we don't.  Please edit that if it's not appropriate to say here, but I couldn't think of any other way to express my feelings.  If we want to see the baby we are wrong and it's an issue.  If we don't ask to see the baby we're wrong and it's an issue.  I don't now what to do anymore.

HELP PLEASE!!! :(

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / DS almost in tears....
« on: June 25, 2012, 07:19:56 AM »
...because FDIL decided that she didn't want us to see the baby.  Even went to the trouble of sending 21 texts which I didn't respond to.  I've come to the conclusion that FDIL has some mental issues.  DS agrees as well.  The reason I feel this is because she is all over the place.  This is the person who will text me how much she doesn't like me and a week later, ask me to pick something up for her since I'm "so good at finding things".  This is the same FDIL who calls me when she has issues with DS...but sends me texts on how phony I am.  Same FDIL who was coming over every weekend with DS and who called me to let me know what was going on with DS when he was in the hospital.  She's also the same person who had no problem cashing our $1000 check just two days prior to the baby's birth,  to cover the rent so she would have a place to bring the baby to. She's confusing to say the least. 

So yesterday morning at 2:50 am she starting a series of 21 texts on how much she doesn't like me, how we will never be friends and how she doesn't want her daughter anywhere around me because I would tell the baby terrible things about her.  I truly believe she would benefit from medication. 

I didn't even respond.  I simply texted DS that she sent more negative stuff and if we could still see the baby.  We didn't hear from him until way later and he was truly upset.  He sounded miserable and I honestly felt sorry for him.  I told him that the most important thing was for him to keep peace in his home and enjoy his baby. I explained that while we were saddened that we are not allowed to see our first grandchild that we would be okay. 

So I cried my little heart out and stayed in bed for the entire day.  His younger brother, the only one he still gets along with, the one who DS has always soon love and admiration toward was angry with DS.  Truly angry.  He said he didn't care what FDIL has written, he wanted to see what his brother was going to do. When he learned that DS was not doing anything, he said that he's lost all respect for him.  He even used some French to describe his feelings toward both of the.  I didn't tell this to DS because I knew it would only futher upset him. 

So, yesterday I mourned the grandchild I would never know.  She's not dead, thank God.  She's healthy and I'm sure she'll be happy.  She just won't know us.  Sad and difficult as it was it didn't kill me.  I'm still here.  And I still have many wonderful blessings!

Have a great day ladies!!!

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I don't know if I ever mentioned that a very long time ago I did not like my MIL.  We had a major falling out and I wasn't allowed in her home for about a year.  Well, hubby and I got married and were expecting GS number one and it was if the fallout had never happened.  We never mentioned it again and we sort of got along, but I still didn't like her.  Even when she treated me decent I decided to dislike her for things she had done to DH in the past.  Mind you, he was fine with it.  MIL had taken him to live with his grandmother at the age of 5, placed him on a swing and didn't see him until ten years later.  I thought that was terrible.  Forget that he said had a happy childhood with his GM and that he still loved his mother.  Anyhoo....I tried to let it go and to like MIL.  She was a okay grandma to our boys for a few years.  But that changed when she got foster children.  She almost forgot that she had grandchildren.  No more birthdays for them, but she threw parties for the FC.  If we told her she missed a birthday she would reach in her purse and hand them a $20 bill, no card, no cake, no nothing.  They were just children.  We went over there every Christmas and usually the kids got enough to make them happy.  But after a while they would only get socks and underwear while the FC got what appeared to be the contents of a small toy store.  Oh, it made my blood boil to see their hurt and disappointed faces.  Still I said nothing...at least to her.  DH got a ear full.  The years went by the boys got older...they love her, she loves them but they aren't close like me and my grandma.

But in her defense she is who she is.  She's never been the loving, thoughtful and nurturing type.  She doesn't even remember the birthday of her one and only child.  But if we need her she's there for us.  She has her own very full life, but she checks on us every few weeks.  She's a special kind of person but I've grown to love her.  We talk, laugh and get along.  She's always giving me something she can no longer wear, or something she got me because she got herself one. 

She's never been a wonderful grandparent or even a wonderful parent, but she is there and she is family.  DH related to her the events of our first GD and how we felt excluded and how hurt I was.  Well, bless her heart....she called me to tell me not to be upset and that I shouldn't worry about seeing the grandchild at all.  She basically said if I see the baby that's great, but if not life goes on.  She said babies are no big deal and that she'll (FDIL) will need me before I need her.  I wasn't surprised by this or even offended.  That is just her way. I'm not sure how she was raised or what her family life was like.  In her own way, strange as it was, she was reaching out to comfort me.  In those harsh and insensitive words she expressed to me that she was showing me love and support.  And I appreciated it.

Nope, she wont' get any awards.  You should know that this is the same woman that told me that we should have just put our dog to sleep when he needed costly hip surgery (hubby said he'd sooner put her to sleep, lol) The same woman who still hasn't realized that she missed her son's birthday....again.  It was June 6th, and he's a little ticked, lol. This is the same MIL who never came to the hospital when any of her GC were born and who only had the oldest one over night one time.  But she did reach out to me and give me an emotional hug....bless her heart.  It's been 28 years and I understand her and I love her very much.

Well, just wanted to share that. :)

Hugs WW

8
Good Morning Wise Women!!!

    I am happy to report that yesterday my DS became a first time dad on Father's Day! :)  And I am thrilled over the moon for him.  As happy as an event that it was, the day was not without it's emotional drama. I know that FDIL and I are not close and probably never will be.  Hence, I perfectly understood not being told immediately when she was taken to the hospital.  In fact, DS sent me a text at 8:30 am telling me she was six cmm.  He even called and give a brief update a few minutes later. We didn't go to the hospital because we knew she wouldn't want us there.  Having a baby is not easy and we weren't going to add any stress.  I didn't even text or call, thinking it best to wait.  However, by 11:15 I caved in and sent a text asking how many cmm now?  A minute later I get the text saying my grandbaby had been born 25 minutes ago.  That stung a bit. Why did I have to wait 25 minutes?  How long would have taken DS to text "She's here".  Okay, still a little hurt that I was not allowed to be there, and not notified when she arrived...but I let it go.  I asked DS when we could come see her. He texted back, "I'll let u noe".  I was a bit stunned...Let me know?  How about "Now"???  After what seemed like forever I texted him back that I wouldn't come so as not to spoil their day. Surely, FDIL didn't want us there.  I told him to give GC a kiss for us and tell her that we loved her and would be there if we could.

Guess this made him feel guilty because he said we should come.  But by now I had started my own pity party.  FDIL's mom was there.  She got to watch that baby enter the world and to hold her shortly after birth. She got to experience what I was excluded from.  I didn't expect to be wanted there for the birth but I didn't think I would need an invitation after.  I know....Pity party.  Anyhoo...those new grandma emotions got the best of me and I just cried and cried.  DS did call and repeatedly ask that I come and even had the audacity to tell me he was hurt.  I tried to explain that I didn't want to come now because I didn't want to bring negative energy to this beautiful event.  I didn't react with anger..I just let him know I was hurt.  I also tried to let him know that it was my problem and not his and that he should enjoy his daughter.  He insisted that he wanted me to meet his daughter so I came. I cried as soon as I entered the room and went to the bathroom.  I came out. DS immediately tried to hand her to me.  I declined....not to be mean but because she was so little.  He gave her to my DH who seemed to immediately bond with her.  I held her shortly before we left for less than a minute...I was afraid to bond.

Ladies, I know that I am blessed to be included in any way.  I am blessed that my first grandchild entered the world healthy.  I am blessed that I will be allowed to be in her life in any way.  I know this...I know many of the wise women here who were completely excluded would switch places with me in a minute.  Sooo....my pity party ends here.   :)

Still the day was nothing like I had dreamed of all these years.  I went home to where my youngest DS lives with his fiance and my 11 month old granddaughter (by love and heart) lives.  She was sleeping but woke up when I entered the room.  I held that beautiful little girl and felt so much love in my heart, and SOOOO Blessed that she was in my life.  I then thought of when new grandchild would be arriving.  Not until Feb. 2013.  But I felt joy knowing that I would be there for the new baby, start to finish.  Yes, life is good.....

Have a wonderful day WW!!!!

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Stress is making my DS ill
« on: June 04, 2012, 07:13:31 AM »
I've been lurking mostly since my relationship with DS has changed for the better.  I can't exactly pin point it, but instead of baby steps we've been running toward each other and I feel like we've reconnected.  I'm his "Momma" again and he calls me often.  We end every conversation with I love you. AND...He's come over with FDIL four weekends in a row.

Well, truth be known he's been sick.  So sick in fact, that the hospital didn't know what was wrong.  He has debilitating headaches, for which they performed a spinal tap to rule out meningitis,  a cat scan and MRI to rule out tumor or swelling of the brain.  He was hospitalized for a week.  During this time FDIL and I were by his side and she and I communicated very well regarding his medical needs. I thought we were making positive steps in the right direction.  I had hoped that she could have been a part of the positive energy between me and DS.  I was wrong.

The time is very near for my grandbaby to arrive.  As they have no washer and dryer I offered ours so that she could pre wash all of the clothing.  So yesterday they came by with a ton of clothing.  I was like, "WOW!! she has a lot of clothes."  DS said that 75% of them were what I brought.  She whispered something to him and he corrected himself, "Oh, and FDIL's friend gave a lot too!" But he added that they were hand me downs.  She gave him a piercing look.    I tried to break the tension by saying it didn't matter who gave what, but how great that she already had so much.    Long story short.  They starting washing the clothes, she had to leave in the middle due to a family emergency. Son stayed and continued washing and drying clothes.  When they were dry I gave him a hand folding as I knew that if they weren't folded almost immediately they would need to be ironed.  I had worked hard all day in my garden and would have preferred sitting and watching TV, but thought it would be nice to give a hand. So me and DS chatted and laughed while folding tons of clothes for his little girl.

HE GOT IN TROUBLE!!!  He went to pick her up after the emergency and they were suppose to come back.  Hours later they didn't return.  He finally came back alone.  Head throbbing, eyes teary, old looking and stressed out.  FDIL was furious that I had helped fold the clothes.  She wanted to fold the her baby's clothes for the first time.  I suppose I could understand that.  I was not trying to intrude or take away her joy.  I didn't understand her outrage since DS was going to fold them anyway and all I did was lend a hand.  And I only did that so that they wouldn't need ironing.  He said that he was told that he diarrhea of the mouth for telling me the clothes were hand me downs.  That was a big heated discussion, too. 

That's when he fought back tears and I felt his frustration as if it were mine.  He confided in me some very personal feelings.  He's miserable. He said she complains about everything.  EVERYTHING!!!  He said he can't go on like this or he's going to kill her or himself.  He sees a therapist and he thinks he needs to get out of this relationship.  When I told him that he's going to have a baby, he said he knows.  But he's having a baby with a baby. He said she's immature, she has issues with everything and everyone.  She takes every little thing to the extreme. He said he'd rather be at work then go home.  He said so much to me last night.  He said if only he could go back in time he'd never be with her, never would have a baby with her.  He's full of regrets.

She's come over four weekends in a row and I thought things were finally getting better. DS said that she talks about me like a dog and that he's sick of it.  He has really, really been defending me lately and I told him that he doesn't have to.  What she thinks of me is not important.  DS said that according to her I am the most conniving woman alive! He said that he knows I've been nothing but nice to her, and that we're still nice to her even after everything that happened.
According to FDIL I want to know everything about their lives.  I asked DS when I've ever pried into his life.  He said I don't, it's just her and her messed up head.  If texting him every two weeks to say I'm thinking of you and I love you is prying then I suppose I'm guilty. 

I did not encourage DS to leave, but just the opposite.  I suggested they both go to counselling. He said he wants to but she refuses.  He said that the only other thing he can think to do is move away from both families.  This makes little sense to me since other than this last month we rarely saw him, rarely talked and never visited him.  We have not intruded in their lives in any way.  Maybe it's her family he wants to get away from.  Still, I don't think it would change anything.   No matter where they go he'll be taking the problem with him. 

My DS gave me a kiss, took his daughters clothes and left me with an "I love you. I'll call you tomorrow."  I felt soooo sorry for him.

And on a happy note....If all goes well I'll be having another grandchild in February 2013!!!! ;D

Hugs to all you Wonder Wise Women!!!

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / DS is not happy
« on: February 17, 2012, 08:34:27 AM »
Hey you guys!!!

    DS stopped by yesterday.  First thing he showed me was a sonogram picture of the baby.  I must be the grandmother because at under five months in the making I already think she is BEAUTIFUL!!! ;D

    Anyhoo, we sat down and he got to talking about what's been going on with them.  Somehow it came up that he and FDIL's mom are not getting along.  He said the entire family has basically turned against him. He mentioned that FDIL had actually left him a couple of weeks ago due to some argument in which he said he grabbed her wrist to stop her from hitting him but she took it as him being violent toward her and must have told this to her family.  As a result her mom came and took back the house warming television set she gave them a few months ago.  FDIL has returned but the family is still angry with him.  DS said that he will not allow the tv to be returned and he also refuses to let her mother buy the crib. I said that he should (they really can't afford one) but he said he wants nothing from her.

     FDIL and family are also throwing his cheating past up in his face.  He said they think he may be cheating now or will possibly do it again.  Hey, I never say never, but from what I could see he's been working like a dog and had been very happy about the upcoming birth of his first child.

      It seems that there is a lot of friction in their relationship due to her not wanting a relationship with his FOO.  He said they've spent every weekend with her family, and he doesn't think that it's fair that the baby will only know her family and get to bond with her family and not know his. He said that he told her that I've been looking forward to this "since the day he was born", (a bit of an exaggeration, but not too far off) and that I would be a great grandma (It pleased me to hear him say that).  He said, " I told her my mom's a big kid at heart."  Seems like he was really standing up for us and I was really pleased about that.  I told him that I was willing to leave what happened in the past and move forward. I told him that this baby makes us all family and for the sake of the baby we should all just get along.  He said he feels the same but she doesn't.  He said she doesn't know if she can trust me.  She really blows my mind!!!  I'm the one who should have the trust issues. I told him that she doesn't see the wrong she does, but only the wrong doings of others and she never lets go.  He said, "I know.  She has issues."

    I purchased the most adorable little girl table and chairs.  Way too early but just too cute to pass up.  DS loved it and took a picture of it.  I told him that I really struggled with my decision to buy it because I don't know if FDIL is going to allow me to have a relationship with the baby.  I told him again, that I want to get excited but it's really hard because of FDIL.  To my great suprise he said, "Me too. "  He said he doesn't feel excited like he did before.  He said it's like she's using the baby against him and that the baby is hers and her family's. 

    I felt good that he was sticking up for his family and that it was important to him to share this wonderful blessing with us. But I also felt sad for him because she is stealing all of his joy.  Hormones could be playing a part, but she's always been "special".  A guilty part of me is glad that he's allowing himself to see what we've seen all along.  I only wish that he could have seen it before they created a little life. All in all I hope they work it out.  The only thing I've ever wanted for my children is their happiness. 

     I pray things improve.  Sending hugs to all of you!!!

11
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Am I being crazy....
« on: February 02, 2012, 01:20:11 PM »
DS just called and said that FDIL is having a girl!  OMG, but I wanted a little girl so badly and they both know this.  Hence, do you guys think I'm crazy to believe that they just may be lying to be mean?  A few summers ago FDIL was pregnant and they made a special trip over to tell me, both knowing how much I've always talked about how much I was looking forward to my GC.  Before I even had time to process the thought she said she wasn't keeping it.  I could think of no reason in the world for them to tell me about it other than to hurt me.  I assure you it's not that we had an open, honest relationship.  It was just her way of sticking a knife in my side and DS let her do it.

What do you think?

12
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / I saw someone I thought had died....
« on: January 30, 2012, 07:19:11 AM »
Good Morning you bunch of WONDERFUL, WISE WOMEN!!!

      I have learned so much from all of you ladies.  The words of wisdom, the advice and at times the constructive criticism have all helped me to reach the point where I am at today.  THANK YOU!!

      So anyhoo, I have learned to step back, not smother, call sparingly, not speak ill of FDIL (in fact, I also ask about her with sincere concern), and pretty much just let DS be the man he wants to be without having to check in with his mommy...and it seems to be working!!!!

     I texted DS that I had picked him up a couple of very small items (and I mean close to nothing so they were no incentive for him to come over) and before I knew it he was calling saying he was at our home and asking where we were.  I told him we were just finishing up shopping and would be home soon.  I asked him if he needed anything and he said no, but I pushed and the only thing he requested was a bag of chips!  That also made me feel good because it indicated that he didn't stop by to eat or because he needed something.

        I get a text from my other DS, the one who hasn't spoken to his brother in years, telling me that DS and FDIL are here and if he should tell them to leave (he's only half kidding, lol).  WHOA!!!  FDIL hasn't been in my home since "the incident".  I'm not sure how I feel about seeing her.  I don't know if they've come over to try to talk things out or what, but I'm a little antsy about this.  Had my DS not told me I would have been shocked to walk in and see her sitting on my couch. 

     So walk into my living room and there they are both sitting on the couch watching a game and sharing a slushie. She and I say hello and son says, "Momma!" eyes all sparkly like he's really happy to see me.  He jumps up and he gives me a hug and for the first time in a long time I see someone I had thought I would never see again.....MY SON!!!  I didn't feel like there was this stranger in the room that looked like my son.  I saw him...the little boy that I remember loving and liking.  And I saw the person who used to like me too!! That was a great feeling!

    So we sat there and made small talk and was able to smile and act like nothing really terrible had happened (except for I knew and FDIL knew and although we may someday get along again, I don't think we'll ever be close).  I gave DS the small items and he seemed so thrilled and thanked me as if I had even him something he always wanted.

    The only someone negative part of the visit was when I brought up to FDIL that I was going to knit a blanket for the baby but wanted to wait until Feb. 2 when the sex was confirmed.  DS had already told me that was the plan. FDIL knows that I would just ADORE a little girl as I never had one.  She is sure the baby is a boy.  I guess I did kinda say that I hope she's wrong and it's a girl and she seemed to be annoyed (I do understand that I should not have said that). Anyway, she says that they have decided to wait and be surprised.  I didn't believe her for a minute and I knew it was just that she didn't want me to know.  So when DS came back into the room I said so "FDIL says you guys don't want to know the sex."  He looks looks surprised like this is news to him, and was about to correct this, when she says, "Remember Boobie? We said we were going to wait?" He catches on to her lie and reluctantly agrees.  No biggie.  I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy!

   It wasn't a very long visit, which is fine by me.  But it was a pleasant visit with with promise and hope that maybe we can all come together and enjoy this baby.  When it was time to go DS gave me a hug and we switched roles. This time I was the one who replied, "I love you, too." because he said, "I love you. " first.

I'm looking forward to June!

Hugs,
Ladies

13
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / FDIL is getting to DS
« on: January 03, 2012, 01:27:56 PM »
Hey Wise Women,

  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Hope everyone brought in the new year with optimism for a better tomorrow.  I had a very nice welcoming of the New Year with my DH and a few friends. 

   On New Year's eve I called DS and asked him to come by to pick up a little goody package.  He has told me earlier in the week that he and FDIL had no plans to ring in the new year.  So I packed some sparkling apple cider, two wine glasses and some nice chocolates that I know son like and some chocolate covered cherries that I know FDIL likes.  I couldn't believe that he actually showed up and did so in a hurry, lol.

   So I gave him the little goody bag and asked him how the baby was doing.  He replied, "It's driving me crazy!"  Ummm...."He's not even here yet, how can he be driving you crazy?"  LOL with the answer...."The baby is making her moody!!! It's driving me crazy!  One minute she's laughing, the next minute she's crying...everything I do gets on her nerves.  She doesn't like the way I smell.  She's always hungry but she hates everything we have in the house to eat.  She'll like something and I'll buy a lot of it and she'll hate it the next day.  I'm losing my mind!!!"  This tickles the heck out of me.  I tried to sound concerned.  "What makes her cry?", I asked. Him  "She cries ALL THE TIME!!! The other day I was driving and I hit a bump. She cried all the way from town to we reached home!"    This had me, DH and YB all laughing.  Not at her misery, but at DS's frustration. 

   He stayed a good little while and it was actually a nice visit.  He related a story of a fight he had at work.  Apparently, not his fault at all and no one was hurt, but he said that guy probably got a little more than he deserved because he took his frustrations out on his because he couldn't take it out of FDIL.  He said it with a grin like the cat that ate the canary.  I don't condone fighting, especially at the work place, but it was so cute that way he told it. The poor little guy messed with the wrong father to be on the wrong day!

   DS left and offered for YB to join them for the New Year.  YB reported back that FDIL used the wine glasses I had supplied and she was the only one to drink the cider and I was pleased.  She didn't phone to say "thanks", or even text a "Happy new year" back when I texted one to her, but I'm okay with that.  DS and his FOO actually had a nice little visit.  I'm feeling very optimistic about the new year!

HUGS TO ALL!!!

14
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / It's a boy!
« on: December 19, 2011, 07:39:31 AM »
Good Morning WW,

    I don't visit that often as I've been feeling sooo much better. I found this place when my relationship with DS was at its lowest and all the wise advice I received truly helped me free myself from the burden I was carrying.

     Anyhoo, yesterday DS stopped by with a picture of the baby's sonogram.  There he was in all his glory, still in the baking process.  He had this big ole head :0), and I could see his little hands and bulging tummy and yet.....I felt disconnected.  I mean here is this little baby, my very first grandchild, I could see his little hands and feet and I didn't feel like its grandmother. 

     This saddens me because it was not suppose to be this way.  I had always dreamed of the day I would become a grandmother. You'd be surprised of all the things I've saved and collected in anticipation of being a wonderful, loving grandmother....and now...well, it's like my son is having a baby and I pray it's healthy and happy, but it's his baby. ..Not my grandbaby.

    He says that he wants us to be a part of his son's life.  That they've discussed it and that he will bring the baby by without her.  Why do I not want that?  Why doesn't that make me happy?  It just feels so wrong.  I just imagine all the negative energy that will surround each visit.  The baby having to be tugged in the middle of this unnecessary drama.  I told DS that I don't want him to do anything that will cause trouble in their relationship.  I would rather the baby be happy and have peace than have to deal with this drama.

     At thanksgiving hubby saw DS and asked him if he was going to do the usual family thanksgiving which is visit my aunt and than go to my MIL (his grandma) DS said he didn't know. To did hubby responded that he not bring FDIL.  I was not pleased about this.  I text DS and told him that she is to be the mother of his child and that made her family.  I said that if she chose not to come it was her choice, but that she was welcome.  She came.  We talked casually.  It was not as awkward as I imagined.  I had hoped to start anew.  I was willing to leave the ugliness behind.  Apparently, she wasn't.  She just doesn't see that she's done anything wrong and wants to fault me for everything. She doesn't know if she can trust me again.  That's a two way street.  I know how I treated her and I know I didn't deserve the way she treated me.  She blamed what she did to me on DS.  Said he told her to ignore me and because they were together and she felt she should listen to him.  Oh well.

Anyway, although she's stuck on everything I said after she was cruel to me first, I still took it upon myself to send her one last text.  I told her I know that I said things that were hurtful to her in anger and I was sorry ( I didn't mention all the mean hurtful things she said to me) I told her that I was reaching out to her and that maybe someday we can find a way to make peace with each other....She never replied.

   On a brighter note...my youngest son and his GF have told me that she may be expecting and asked how would I feel about it.  The situation is anything but ideal.  Will tell more about that another time.  She's gotten two positive results from home pregnancy test but is going to have it confirmed by a doctor before we call it official. But......now I feel like I'm gonna be a grandmother!  I mean it's really not a good idea for them to be adding to the family. She has a five month old daughter by another man, they are both young, he recently lost a very good job, he lives at home, and she is still living with the father and his family.  NOT IDEAL!!! But yet...I feel more connected to this baby that may not even exist than I do to the one that has been named Joel (pronounce Joelle) and already has tiny little hands and a bulging tummy....

     I'm going to have two grandbabies (at least so it seems) and I'm only going to be allowed to be a true grandmother to one. What a sad and sorry situation. 

15
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / OMG
« on: May 25, 2011, 06:28:48 AM »
OMG, I can't stop shaking.  I am a mess.  Just hung up from DS five minutes ago.  He called me.  He called me using the phone number I was never supposed to have.  I immediately knew it was something bad.  OMG, it truly, was.  He called because he just "saw the worst thing he ever saw".  FDIL's father committed suicide this morning.  He put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger.  I became ill.  I can't stop shaking.  My heart hurts for FDIL.  She loved him, but they were at odds because he had deserted the family a couple of years ago and he was spending less and less time with them.  I don't know if she's at peace with her last words to him.  She was just so hurt and angry.

DS said that he wants to stop by tonight and to please call him when we get home.  He says he wants to fix his family. That he doesn't want to be like FDIL and her family. 

I'm sorry if this is too heavy for this forum but I needed to get this out. 

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