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Topics - alwaysmom

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Starting to find acceptance
« on: June 11, 2017, 05:11:29 PM »
I need to start by saying that this site has been incredibly helpful as I read through older threads.

My last post was emotionally charged with pain and non acceptance with the disrespect from DS and DIL.  I have now had an eye opening experience of being diagnosed with abdominal cancer and have to look at life so differently than before.  The relationship with my DS and DIL has not changed with the disrespect and disconnect even in light of my diagnosis.

As to be expected, my DH and I now will be concentrating on future surgeries and therapies to stay a head of this life changing disease.  Who would have
thought that this would actually change the expectations we have had in our relationship with our DS and DIL.  You must come to a place where you learn to hold on to the good in your life and try to accept the not so good.  Do I wish my oldest son showed concern and wanted to talk to me about the cancer, of course
I do.  Past behavior is predictive of future behavior and this is an unrealistic expectation. 

As we go through this cancer journey, we are blessed with many friends and family that are very much there with emotional support including our youngest son.

This post is not about the cancer, we have had it in our family before, as I am sure many of you have also.  This post is about how I am learning, as many of you posting here have, to accept estranged relationships for what they are and to embrace the healthy relationships.

I am still working on acceptance, but just wanted to share that I realized it is up to me and my DH to change our expectations and not expect our
son to change.

Thank you all for this site.

Alwaysmom


 

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / DIL Finally Won
« on: April 15, 2017, 02:30:33 PM »
Tomorrow is Easter and my husband and I have been asking our DS all week if he and DIL would like to go fishing with us and our younger DS.  Our relationship with DIL has always been rocky and from previous posts you can see that I share a lot of the same estrangement issues with our DS as many of you here do with your DS.

I wanted to talk DIL and try to smooth out some of our differences before we went fishing but she would not have any part of it. I was just hopeful that maybe, just maybe we could get together as a family and try one last time to connect and be kind to each other. Of course my DS will do what his wife wants him to and this means no connection and no family get together.  He stated that they were just going to spend the day with each other instead.

I texted my son and told him that this was the last time I would ask to see him and that I would not have any further
expectations.  Of course no text back.  This does not surprise me.

My problem is that this all just hurts so much and is so incredibly painful to not have our DS in our life, even though it has been going on for years.  I actually become very distraught and emotional and somewhat crazy!

So as I said in the title, DIL finally won.  I can no longer pretend that things will ever be any different as she has our
DS so brain washed and only wants him to be with her and her family.  I have not been perfect in all of this drama but
DIL loves the estrangement and makes no effort for my DS sake to bring any kind of resolution to any of it.  Amazing how one person can hurt an entire FOO as our DS has nothing to do with anyone but our younger DS who actually lives with them.  I never understood why our younger DS was allowed in our older DS' life yet no one else.  Maybe that is it, one
person allowed from his FOO and no one else.  The shame is as I have said before, our younger DS tries to ignore DIL and keep the peace as much as possible because he lives there and has a good relationship with his brother. He has often said that he could never be married to a woman like her.  He is still a college student and rent where they live must be shared because it is so high.  He has lived with other roommates and will probably move when the chance arrives. That is also what makes this situation so strange because we have moved to the same town and we see our younger DS all the time and do have a relationship with him and yet he feels like he has to keep some of the things we do a secret as not to
make our older DS left out.

I hurt so much as a mom to know that we are missing out on any kind of relationship and love with our DS in our later years of life and time that we can never get back.

I truly hope this is the last time I set myself up for the desire to have our DS in our life and find a way to accept this estrangement which is so much like a living death.

My heart goes out to all the other moms on here that feel the pain as I do.  We never thought this is how it would be once our children were adults.  I miss my son sooo much!

Love and hugs to all,

Alwaysmom


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I am new to this site and yet it seems as I read the posts of so many other moms, the pain and confusion of the alienation and estrangement from our
sons seems so familiar in so many of the other posts.

My son has become totally blind to the manipulations and deliberate actions of his wife to cut him from mine and
my DH's life and extended family.  I once read this is called "cutting them from the herd".

My son was coming back from deployment and his wife stated that they would not have time to see "His" family together
and he would need to do this on his own time.  She also stated that they would be seeing "Her" family because she only
had enough time for "Her" family and not "His" family.

I can not call my son's wife my DIL for the fact that she has even stated "I do not need a relationship with you".  My son found no
fault with this and simply stated that she already has a mother and does not need another one.  She has made it clear that
all holidays are to be spent with her family and we are to just wait for another time to see them, if at all.
We have moved to the same town that they live in due to a job offer for my DH.  When my son's wife found out we were
moving she told me not to expect them to be coming over, or us just dropping by or be inviting them to go with us to see my nephew
who also lives in this same town.  In other words, stay away!

Fortunately at this point they do not have any children and I actually dread the day they do have children, as any children will be thought of
as her children and not my son's children.

My son has been with this young woman for 10 years as they were together in high school at the young age of 15 and have been married for 2 years.  I feel
as though they both really never fully matured and behave as they did when they were just teenagers.

I could go into so many situations and details but it seems the stories here have a common thread where "A son is a son until he takes a wife" and
"A daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life".

I am certainly not innocent of letting it be known how unhappy I am with their actions.  It just seems so easy for them to say that we are
needy and simply need to leave them alone.

My question to so many of the other moms out there with varied situations and stories, yet the same out come of estrangement, does the pain
and grief ever get any easier and softer to bear.  I cry almost every day because I miss my son.  He does not even know my DH and myself anymore
and we do not know him.  I know he needs his own life and must stay true to his wife and yet I'm not sure how being married means you
no longer have a FOO.

Our son was raised around family, grandparents, aunts, uncle, cousins etc.  He came from a large family and she comes from a family of her parents and
her sister and that is it.  My son's wife is estranged from any other family and so I guess this is what she is trying to create for our son.

So I ask does it ever stop hurting so much or is this a life sentence of longing and sorrow?


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