March 29, 2024, 04:55:27 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Topics - kimmieg08

1
My husband and I have very different ways of interacting with our son and daughter-in-law.  Hubby is a non-confrontational, "go along to get along" type.  I, on the other hand, will share my feelings if I've been hurt or offended.  Because of this, I have often been labeled the bad guy.

This year for my birthday and Mother's Day, I received gifts from them on both occasions. The same was true for my husband, except his gifts cost three times more than the ones I received.  As I have always been careful about treating my children equally and spending equally on them, the discrepancy was blatantly obvious.  It's not just the dollar amount--His gifts were thoughtful and useful, while mine were things I neither wanted nor needed.

I'm wondering if this is a passive-aggressive move by the two of them.  My husband thinks that I'm reading too much into the situation.  However, I know that if I were to give my other children a gift costing $200 and this one a gift I spent $50, he would definitely notice.  Quite frankly, I'm hurt by the lack of consideration and thoughtfulness, given the efforts I make to be fair and equal with my children, as well as choosing a gift that is thoughtful and will bring joy to the recipient.

What's your take on the situation?
2
My husband and I have very different ways of interacting with our son and daughter-in-law.  Hubby is a non-confrontational, "go along to get along" type.  I, on the other hand, will share my feelings if I've been hurt or offended.  Because of this, I have often been labeled the bad guy.

This year for my birthday and Mother's Day, I received gifts from them on both occasions. The same was true for my husband, except his gifts cost three times more than the ones I received.  As I have always been careful about treating my children equally and spending equally on them, the discrepancy was blatantly obvious.  It's not just the dollar amount--His gifts were thoughtful and useful, while mine were things I neither wanted nor needed.

I'm wondering if this is a passive-aggressive move by the two of them.  My husband thinks that I'm reading too much into the situation.  However, I know that if I were to give my other children a gift costing $200 and this one a gift I spent $50, he would definitely notice.  Quite frankly, I'm hurt by the lack of consideration and thoughtfulness, given the efforts I make to be fair and equal with my children, as well as choosing a gift that is thoughtful and will bring joy to the recipient.

What's your take on the situation?
3
Hope this finds everyone doing well.  It's been a while since I've posted.  Things had improved for a while with my son but have gone downhill recently.   I look at him and wonder where this insensitive, disrespectful person came from. 

Because my husband works with a small company, he can take only one week of his vacation time during the summer months.  Since the wedding is out of town, his vacation has to be used for travel so we aren't getting a vacation this year.  (I'm a teacher so this is the only time I can take a vacation.)  Yet my son, who we gave every advantage we could afford, is partially paying for her family to rent a house at the beach where the ceremony is taking place so they can vacation there the week before the ceremony. While we don't need his financial assistance, it is hurtful that their attendance is so important he's willing to fork out big bucks for their lodging and hasn't even offered to pay any of our expenses.  Granted, we would refuse if he offered but the message I'm getting once again is that we don't really matter to him.

Her family is contributing nothing yet are being treated like royalty.  We have given and given financially as well as of our time and energy to help them prepare for their day and have yet to receive so much as a thank you or any other acknowledgement.   

The big day is this week and I can't muster up a scrap of excitement or happiness.  Truth be told, I really couldn't care less if I'm there or not.  Yet my son "needs" for me give an Academy Award-winning performance as Susie Sunshine.  His  actions have me so hurt and beaten down that I'm just not sure I have it in me to pull it off.
4
I'm so glad to have found this group and the wealth of wisdom gained from experience that is here.  I'll try my best to give you the short version of the story.

Our oldest son became engaged in October to a young lady that I like very much.  A couple of weeks later, I found out that he had spoken to the bride-to-be's family in AUGUST asking for their permission/blessing on the decision.  My husband and I had heard nothing of his intent to ask her to marry him until we received the phone call saying they were engaged.  I was (and still am) very hurt that her family's approval was important to him and ours was not.   

They have been living together since July (which I don't approve of), however my son wouldn't share this with us either.  My mom intuition knew what was going on so in January, I asked him when we was going to be honest and upfront with me about what I already knew about their living arrangements.  Again her family knew of and actually encouraged them to take this step.  His reason for not being honest with us was "I knew it would disappoint you."  I'm more disappointed that he couldn't be honest with his OWN family. 

When we had the pow-wow about their living arrangements both my son and his fiance went on and on about how they wanted us to be a part of their lives and how important our opinions are to them.   Prior to this, my husband and I had made all the overtures/made all the invitations to spend time with them and get to know our future DIL.  I have taken her to lunch, for a pedicure, invited her over for a girl's night seeking to build a relationship with her.  Not once has she reciprocated.   After our conversation in January, I made the decision to make no further invitations to them to see if they were sincere in their comments about wanting to spend time with us and be a part of their lives.  After two months we were invited to his home for dinner. 

While I understand and accept that this is their day, I would so appreciate being included in the plans.   We haven't even been asked if there are family and friends that we would like to invite to the ceremony.  They are paying for the wedding themselves and are trying to keep costs down which I understand.  Is it unreasonable of me to expect that they allow us a set number of guests to invite.

Is it just me or do the words and actions not match up? 

Kim