March 28, 2024, 09:09:48 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Topics - proverbsgirl

1
Hello everyone, I'm back and wanted to give an update in addition to just getting a little support. Everyone here gave me such great input the last time I was here so I hope it's okay that I'm seeking you all out again.

I ended up getting into an argument with my MIL about boundary issues and it did not go well. I will say that I did not approach it well, as I had a long, terrible day and was feeling very upset about something that happened while I was at school, so when I got home that night I was already in a bad mood. Anyway, MIL was talking with my husband about money. She wanted him to take some money (like $150 or something) and he kept telling her that we don't need it and she just kept pushing the issue. I was listening and waiting for her to leave but when she wouldn't stop I came into the room and told her that we didn't like it when she tried to push help on us like that (I know, shame on me for jumping into a conversation that I wasn't a part of  :-[). It turned into a big argument with me trying to explain how it makes me really uncomfortable that she constantly tries to push money on us like that, even when we tell her no and that I felt like she was overstepping boundaries. Anyway, she did exactly what my husband and I thought she would do (and what she told me she would never do) if I ever tried to address anything with her: She said I was wrong and she was right, that she wasn't overstepping any boundaries, and that I had sin/heart issues and I needed to reexamine myself. She also went on to say that she is who she is and that I shouldn't be trying to change her and basically that she wasn't going to stop because she was right, that I needed to be kinder, and some other stuff.

Anyway, the next day my husband and I had a really long talk about what happened and what had been said. He thinks we are both being unreasonable to each other. I'm unreasonable because my MIL really does have good intentions and really is just trying to help us through a difficult time. She's unreasonable because she does have boundary issues, is pushy, controlling, thinks she's always right, is unable to see anyone else's side, etc. I see this and see the part I play in the bad relationship we have. However, my husband told me that I am the one who has to change and do what I can to make things better b/c MIL will never change. He says he does try to talk to her when he can but I need to make a better effort. Essentially, he says I can only be in control of myself and do my part to make things better, I cannot control MIL: Exactly what you all have said time and time again!

I understand but I feel resentful that I have to still be nice to her and try to make things work when she has made it clear that she doesn't respect my feelings, opinions, or boundaries (the ones she doesn't agree with anyway). It hurts b/c anytime she has come to me and told me that she felt I overstepped a boundary and did something that made her uncomfortable, even if my husband and I didn't agree with her and thought she was wrong, I did adjust my behavior and respected her feelings about the issue. I expected the same in return but she has made it clear from this past interaction (and others) that she is unwilling to do the same for me.

At this point, I want nothing to do with her but I love my husband dearly and know this is putting a lot of stress on him. We will not be in a position to move for another few years, so I want to try and do what he's asked and make more of an effort. Thing is I have a really hard time faking feelings. I tolerate her when she is around but mostly try to avoid her and I thought this was fine but, according to my husband, it isn't. I really don't want to have a relationship with someone who can't respect my feelings about things that are important to me but I want to try something for my husband. Is there a way I can make an effort in regards to my MIL while also keeping my distance? She likes to do family activities (board games, outings, family dinners) and while I can make more of an effort during holiday gatherings I can't see myself happily playing a 3 hr. board game or having long chats (she loves to talk) with someone I don't like.

Am I just stuck? Has anyone successfully dealt with a MIL that they feel doesn't really respect them? As a side note, I know she loves me but I don't feel respected at all and that is very important to me as I'm one of those people who would rather be respected than loved (but of course having both is ideal).  I'm sorry this is so long I just needed to vent again/get some input and was curious to know if anyone has had a similar experience. Thank you.
2
Hi, I'm new to this blog but decided to take the time to post b/c I have been searching for insight into my rapidly deteriorating relationship with my MIL and this forum seemed like a great community to find some of what I am looking for.

I will start out by saying my challenges with my MIL have only been occurring within the past year. My husband and I began dating at 16 years old and from the time we started dating I had been very close to his mom (after taking some time to warm-up and get to know her). She is a wonderful woman who loves her family and I do believe that she has, for the most part anyway, always tried to do things to let me know that I am loved, accepted, welcomed, and appreciated by her. My mother and I have never had a great relationship so, even before my husband and I got married, my MIL was the person I would usually go to for advice and support with various things in life. We had a very good relationship of mutual love, respect, and understanding, with little conflict. Now, when my husband and I got married we were not living in our home state, so we had little interference from family for the first 5 years of our marriage. I did not realize at the time how much that distance served to keep the peace and boundaries in our lives and marriage until we no longer had it.

In the past year, my husband and myself (along with our two young kids) have recently moved back near family. It was my idea and from the beginning my husband was against it. He separated from the military and I thought it would be great to move near our parents so that our kids could develop a good bond with their extended family and so that we would have help watching the kids (if we needed it) while we were attending school full-time. Not a day goes by that I don't regret the choice to move back. We have been dealing with stress from the move, kids, school, husband job hunting, and my family, but the issues I am having with his mom as of late have really pushed it over the edge for me. She has always been kind of clingy but lost her husband to cancer a couple years ago and I think that may have caused it to get a little worse. Just a few months after our move she expressed to me that she wanted her son to lead and guide her family (she still has 3 kids at home between the ages of 8-15) and after that I just shut down. I was already feeling overwhelmed at that point b/c of huge changes in our lives in addition to personality differences (I'm very introverted and don't see my family more than once every couple months, she's extroverted and likes to see us weekly) and after that, I admit that I began seeing her as competition and a threat to my position as my husband's partner. I am naturally a jealous person and have always struggled with insecurities, so this is a huge challenge for me.

That being said MIL is constantly doing things that I see as inappropriate and interfering which make me angry with her, causing me to become withdrawn. Examples would be trying to be involved in things like helping my husband shop for a car we were supposed to be looking for as a family, trying to help with our finances, asking my husband to do unnecessary things for her, like call someone about a car she wants to buy when she is perfectly capable of doing it on her own, she has tried to tell my husband we shouldn't help my mom (I do believe she was mostly looking out for us in this instance but it was not her place to say that), along with some other things I don't care to mention right now. We are probably going to be here for at least another few years and I'm so afraid she is going to be asking my husband to find a suitor for his sister before we are able to leave (something he wouldn't do for our own kids). I'm getting ahead of myself but this whole situation has gotten me so stressed and anxious that I am becoming physically sick.

I'm sure I probably sound really petty right now. I realize that she isn't intentionally trying to hurt or upset me and I know she is mostly coming from a place of loss after the death of her husband. Even so, I am having a really hard time handling my feelings towards her and it sucks b/c she really is a sweet person in spite of her flaws (and I know I'm not perfect and can be hard to deal with myself). At this point, I have mostly resorted to avoiding her, b/c I would rather just be frustrated at her alone than to risk interacting with her and snapping (which I have been guilty of a couple times) or addressing this sensitive situation and have her feel like I am being unfair, become emotional, etc. I am not trying to keep her from her grandkids (she watches them twice a week for us while we are in school and is always taking them to do fun things) and I am not trying to keep her from her son (I was always the one to encourage him to call his mom when we lived in a different state). I just want some space to be my husband's wife. And I don't want her delegating unnecessary tasks for him to do during a time when our family is under so much stress and already stretched so thin. Because as harsh as this may sound, he isn't her partner he's mine and I don't want to have to compete for that primary position in his life.

At this point, I just don't know what to do. A very good friend of mine said I should just try to talk with her honestly b/c we did have a very good relationship at one point in time but I really don't trust her to be reasonable and to not take anything I say as a personal insult or something. In addition, I know she thinks her involvement is the best thing for the family, so I don't really trust her to stop doing something that she sees as beneficially I guess. That being said, I know that if nothing is done, things will only continue to deteriorate. Realistically, what can I do? Should I talk to her and hope she'll be reasonable and understanding? Am I being unreasonable here? Should I just leave things as they are until we move a few years from now with the hope that I can talk to her once there is distance? I know that my behavior is hurtful but is what I'm doing now less hurtful than bringing up her deceased husband and saying that it is unreasonable to expect that her son can/will lead her family (she has tons of support outside of us, we have little to none) in addition to his own

Sorry this is so long but I could really use some words of wisdom. Thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read this far and respond. And sorry for any errors this may have, it's after 2am here!