Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Topics - Green Thumb

Pages: [1]
1
This is mostly a vent. We have an adult child, now a young adult in his mid twenties, with mental illness which he refuses treatment or medication except for illegal drugs and/or alcohol. He is a user and manipulator and lies constantly. Yet, of course, we love him and try to guide him without enabling him. So.... he has never worked enough to purchase a car and decided this year he would save up and do so. But first he went on a big expensive vacation. My husband offered to match his savings with the same amount trying to encourage him. This "kid" had to have a car NOW. He has found several junk heaps for $1500 that he wants NOW but we have managed to say no to those. So this week, we got tired of the constant whining, yelling at us, how we are holding him back, not upholding our end of the bargain, etc. Let him buy a car for $1500 which my husband had saved cash up so we actually paid for it. Told him we'd pay the entire thing for his birthday present and he could then get the a/c fixed, tires, insurance, etc. For two intelligent people, we got royally ripped off, should have known better and ended up with a salvage car that needs $2000 worth of work to even get it to pass inspection. I know, I know. The kid is mad at us (he chose to purchase, we did not make the decision) and now we find out he only has $1000 saved (been lying to us how much money he has saved). Its been several nights over the last three weeks where my husband is on the phone with him trying to get the kid to be rational and reasonable while the kid yells and screams and blames us. I am so stressed out I can't sleep. We know better. Oh, and it gets worse, he has this grandiose plans about his future and now he wants to move into our house (again). But that is a no.

2
I think I have mentioned that I went back to earn a master's degree starting in January. It is hard. I had to stop working because of how hard this program is and because of a family member needing caregiving -- so income is down. I was afraid to do this for years and years. Finally the light bulb went off or I finally heard the divine wisdom or something and I took the very frightening plunge. I was frightened and anxious before school started. Should I do this? Am I too old? Can I still REMEMBER things like the 25 year olds?

But what I learned is that I needed a new start, a new focus, to really get moving on with my life. Now I am too busy and too excited about learning to be mired in the sorrow of my alienated adult children, their father's abuse, etc. Today I realized I now have a life, a new life, and am getting positive vibes and communication from other students. I am not merely the sad mother without a mothering role, I am not the "out law" or the ignored or verbally abuse mother. In class today, my classmate in family counseling class wanted to work with me on our in class assignment because "you always have great family dynamics stories". I laughed! Felt good for once, rather than being the pitiful mother with hateful kids, the mean in-laws, being the ignored one.

I realize not everyone can or wants to go back to school but we can all find a hobby, join a club,  volunteer or do something new that brings positive people into our lives. Do something that brings us out of our comfort zone and into blessings from other people who like us and treat us well. It is far easier perhaps to stick to our old routines, I know how this was me for quite a few years as I am really an introvert at heart.

3
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / To Gift or Not to Gift
« on: December 10, 2015, 02:58:52 PM »
One of my AD is especially difficult and was hateful, rude and ostracizing to me. Her wedding a few months ago was very upsetting at how I was treated. This is after years of such negative, toxic behavior from her -- and of course, it is all my fault and she is the victim. Her father, my ex, encourages her hatred of me and loves that she and I are alienated and his new wife is her "new mom." After the horrible wedding treatment, I decided to go no contact or very very low contact and not send a gift for Christmas or birthdays. It has taken me years to come to peace with being estranged from her and accept how she is toxic in my life, so no contact is not so bad really. (Some years she sends me something, some years she does nothing for my birthday.)

But low and behold, her new husband must have made her send me a birthday present (the email about the delivery came from her email addy) and now they have sent me a real wreath for Christmas. Another AC came over today and saw it and told me what this AD is saying about how mean I was at the wedding, she's the victim, etc. The other AC said the new husband feels that it is not right to have a mother and daughter estranged but his new wife treats him well and "he loves her" and thinks I am actually very nice. This other AC told me don't bother to send the AD a gift, but the "nice person" inside me wants to be nice. (I suspect the new husband sent this gift.) So now I don't know what to do, send them a gift or not? Your wise advice?

4
Helpful Resources / Highly Recommend "Life Code"
« on: October 29, 2015, 03:48:08 PM »
Life Code by Dr. Phil McGraw is the book for anyone who has ever wondered:
"I just don't get why she is acting that way, its just not nice!"
"She was my best friend and now she's my husband's mistress -- what happened?"
"John does nothing at work, yet he's the boss' best friend and confident and just got the only raise in the office."

Dr. Phil has an acronym BAITER. It stands for backstabbers, abusers, imposters, takers, exploiters, reckless. Know anyone like that? Your adult kids, mother in law, daughter in law, someone at work? He explains how these people who cheat, exploit, use and abuse, think and act. He says good people have no idea how or why someone would be a BAITER, so he's giving us the playbook. And that is true, most of us just can't understand the hows and whys our AC, MIL, DIL could be so uncaring, mean, selfish or spiteful.

Here's a quote from page 19, "It is ugly but true that some people, a lot of people, "win" just because they play the game of life according to a different set of rules or no rules at all, and they are very skilled at it."

He also writes about the "Evil Eight" identifiers. The first one is "Do they see the world through a lens of arrogant entitlement and frequently treat people as targets?" Number 5 is "Do they thrive on drama and crisis?" Number 8 is "Do they live in a fantasy world, marked by delusion?"

The second half of the book is helping ourselves learn the new "life code" playbook, which is excellent advice for living your life in such a way as to deflect and repel "BAITERS" -- many of whom are our family members. He says on page 138, "Its not enough to just know yourself. You also need to know how to present yourself."

Enough of a book report. Let me tell you how this book has affected my life. My husband and I read this book together in the Fall of 2014 (it is also available as an audiobook read by Dr. Phil, and he's great) and the proverbial light bulb moment happened to us. Suddenly we understood the negative, narcissistic family members and co-workers in our life. We started putting his techniques into practice and found our lives were full of less stress and anguish. We realized nothing we did could change the BAITER in our life and we did have control over something -- ourselves and our thinking and our actions. We've had lots of stress and drama but we don't take it personally and are able to repel it before it eats us alive inside. Its such a good book, I set a goal to reread it every year (like right now).

5
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / My Daughter's Wedding
« on: October 27, 2015, 05:14:04 PM »
So my middle daughter got married recently and what do you want to guess? Think it went well? Oh, boy, it was awful and I am still shocked at how I was treated. Three people ganged up on me during the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner, and the wedding -- the groom's father whom I have never met before, my ex husband (who is truly evil) and my dear daughter. I was ostracized, put down and mocked by all three of these people.

What ever happened to basic human decency and the golden rule?

I just give up. It is not worth it to be treated with such disdain and hate. I wrote my elder daughter a letter and mailed it today telling her how much I love her but I have decided not ever to be put into the position of being so ill treated ever again. My eldest daughter goes along with the others, so it is basically saying goodbye in a loving way to her, too. She only invites me to her house or sees me when the others are invited, we are cordial but not close. Her father makes it clear that they can't have him and me in their lives so they choose him. 

And I am trying to decide if I want to write to my bride daughter and say how much I love her but she can't treat me this way.... I intend to go no contact with that daughter and accept the consequences. NC can't be as bad as how hateful she was at the wedding. I mostly feel writing to her is just spitting in the wind -- gonna miss the target and blow back on me.


6
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Invitation in the Mail
« on: June 26, 2015, 05:42:36 PM »
My middle semi alienated AD is getting married in the Fall.  This AD has a mental illness and is not nice to me (really she will act nice for a while but has a history of huge blowups and ending of relationships with people). She does not like it when I stand up to her bullying of me and refuse to allow her to say the cruel things she has said to me. We are low contact (LC) per my choice. I have kinda given up, frankly, just be polite and protect myself from her.

Here's the deal, I am invited to the wedding. I am not invited or asked to participate in any of the planning, payment, etc. --although in all honesty I live 4 hours away and they all live closer to each other. Now I get an invitation from the groom's mother to a wedding shower in another state several thousand miles away, must fly/stay in hotel, rent a car, if going.

My ED has not called or texted me about this or mentioned it in any manner. It just came in the mail from the groom's mother.

I figure this is a courtesy invitation, they do not expect me to attend. Can't attend anyway, money is an issue and absolutely can't take time off work at party time. I am thinking it best to not respond and say I never got the invite nor was told about this by AD. Best way to protect myself is to play dumb and dumber otherwise I am the person who chooses not to attend b/c I do not love them. (Alot of the alienation is caused by their alcoholic, mentally ill, & narcissistic father who will be at this party playing "the great guy" and criticizing me.)

Running this by you wise women. Its not the honest approach, I know.


7
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Father's Day
« on: June 09, 2015, 04:34:32 PM »
What do you all do for your husbands who are estranged from their AC on Father's Day? Is it better to do something for them, special meal or little gift?? Or just do nothing because you aren't their child, but are the wife.

8
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / I hate Mother's Day
« on: April 30, 2015, 06:06:17 PM »
Urghh, I let myself get hopeful this year for no good reason and now I realized that nothing has changed and I am sad that Mother's Day is coming. My estrangement with my ADs has been a little better but neither girl is loving or nice. One is getting married soon and I am not a part of anything even though I have offered to help. Real pity party going on here cause I recently realized their narcissistic father remarried a narcissistic woman who wants my AC to be hers, hers seem to avoid her. And my AC seem to kiss her butt. Hmmm. My in-laws are still alive and they are all hateful and mean and the mother abuses narcotics. I am already projecting and making next weekend a catastrophe. I am depressed and I was doing so well at detaching. My ADs are mean and self centered and I am always tense around them. So why do I let myself get hopeful? Please give me a pep talk.

9
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / I hate Mother's Day
« on: April 30, 2015, 06:04:30 PM »
Urghh, I let myself get hopeful this year for no good reason and now I realized that nothing has changed and I am sad that Mother's Day is coming. My estrangement with my ADs has been a little better but neither girl is loving or nice. One is getting married soon and I am not a part of anything even though I have offered to help. Real pity party going on here cause I recently realized their narcissistic father remarried a narcissistic woman who wants my AC to be hers, hers seem to avoid her. And my AC seem to kiss her butt. Hmmm. My in-laws are still alive and they are all hateful and mean and the mother abuses narcotics. I am already projecting and making next weekend a catastrophe. I am depressed and I was doing so well at detaching. My ADs are mean and self centered and I am always tense around them. So why do I let myself get hopeful? Please give me a pep talk.

10
For some very stupid reason,  at Easter, I mentioned to one of my AD about visiting me on Mother's Day. No reply, no promise, no talk about it, but dang me, I got slightly hopeful anyway. I just found out she is visiting a friend in another state next weekend. I was upset and then I realized how tense it would be to have her visiting me & staying in my house, baiting me or my husband, playing mean jokes -- all things she has done in the last 4 years. She's just flat out mean. Three of my AD ignore Mother's Day, I do have one good AD. My in-laws are just horrible people and we saw the entire family last weekend and it was terrible, mean comments from a BIL, everyone hates each other, a big family argument going on, their mom high on prescription drugs, its awful and my husband feels so, too. I do not want to do Mother's Day with his family. I told him this as we left the family event last weekend and he said him neither. So I am already upset that Mother's Day is coming and it is not a happy day and I'll be ignored again. I am projecting and making this a catastrophe in advance. Need a pep talk and a kick in the butt.

Pages: [1]