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Hello all. I have posted in the past about my difficult relationship with my mother. She wants to be closer but I feel safer keeping her at a distance.

My eldest brother and my mom are very close. He is the one who my mother complains about the rest of her children to.

Apparently, my mother is offended and hurt that I won't have her in my home. I don't want her negative energy or rude comments.

My brother and my dad have both said that my mother will not behave that way. My brother also says that I need to give people a chance to change. I have experienced so much abuse and vitriol from my mother that I don't feel emotionally safe with her. My brother recently visited and he raved about the dinner I cooked as well as our place. Of course, my mother grilled him about the visit and he reported that I cooked a great meal and my place is lovely. Strangely, my mother was bragging to relatives that I live in a nice place; I don't know how she can do that when she hasn't even seen where I live.

So I am going to have my parents over for dinner sometime this month. I do not want to do this. However, I would rather not upset my parents unless it is absolutely necessary. I could be pleasantly surprised by my mother actually being polite to my husband and I, but based on her past behavior I am anticipating insults. I plan on leaving and going for a walk if my mother starts taking shots at us.

Any suggestions for getting through this dinner? 

I have a MIL who is very critical and rude. She is very thoughtful and kind at times but mostly mean. She also does not like the fact that her son married a black woman. I won't go into all of the insults but she has made hurtful comments about my weight, my race and my clothing choices. Apparently I dress too "indecently" because I wear dresses above the knee and I spend too much money on clothes. I am also too fat to eat baked goods. It is also "disgusting" for my husband and I to kiss or cuddle in public.

In spite of her nasty behavior, I am still very polite and friendly to this woman. Even though I do not like her very much, she is my husband's mother and I believe that I need to bite my tongue for that reason. Though I am not close to my mother, my mom gave me some good advice when I got married: "When your MIL isn't kind to you, keep on being good to her. Do not talk back to your MIL or get into fights with her. She is old enough to be your mom and you need to show her respect at all times." Believe me, if she wasn't my MIL I would tell her where to shove her snide remarks. 

My MIL becomes particularly upset whenever her sons do anything nice for their wives. She will complain that her DILs are too spoiled (We both work full time) and she feels sorry for her sons. When my MIL makes terrible comments to her DILs faces, her sons rightfully stand up for their wives. When this happens, my MIL likes to play the victim.  My husband's aunt told me that my MIL just doesn't like the fact that women have taken her sons away.

Is it common for a mother to feel slighted and jealous when sons marry? I do not have children so I don't know how it feels. I would think that it is normal for adult children to marry and shift allegiances to their spouses. What do you think?

I am having some issues with my mother and I thought that perhaps the wise women could offer me a different perspective. I am not a mother, so perhaps there are some things I cannot truly understand.

My mother and I have never been close. She was physically and verbally abusive to me my whole life. When I was 21, I left home with nothing but the clothes on my back because I needed to get away from my mother. Her treatment was the reason I had nervous breakdowns and I couldn't live in a toxic environment anymore. I have three brothers and though my mother was abusive to them as well, she did not put the same pressures or restrictions on them. Her parenting was very sexist. I had to stand in the kitchen with her while my brothers did their own thing. She made me do laundry and ironing for my whole family, while my brothers never had to do any of that.

When I got married nearly four years ago, we eloped to get away from my mother. She is a materialistic narcissist, so my wedding was supposed to be a huge spectacle so that she could show off her money. My husband and I never wanted a big wedding and we respectfully shared our wishes with my mother. Unfortunately, she responded to our requests with belligerence and insults. When I told my mother that I was engaged, her first comment was "Well, you are too fat to look good in a wedding dress." My parents were understandably upset and hurt that their only daughter eloped. At least my mother learned a valuable lesson about what happens when she tries to exert control over my life: it will backfire. She apologized to me for her behavior which was rare and mature of my mother.

My parents have never visited my home because I do not want my mother's negative energy in our space. She would criticize everything and try to tell us how to run our home. I know my husband would not bite his tongue like he always does, because there is no way that he is going to put up with such disrespect in his home. My mother tried to give me an ultimatum: "If you don't let us come visit, you are not welcome in our home then!"

My father and I have a very good relationship, so I told him how I felt about my mother's manipulation. I feel sorry for my father because he hates how distant I am from my mother and it kills him that he has never seen where his daughter lives. I just feel the need to protect myself. I also hate the sexist pressure I receive from my mother about hosting a dinner at my place for everyone. I resent that expectation because it is like she is saying that it is my job to do that as an only daughter. I am not obligated to tirelessly serve everyone the way my mother did. If someone says that they do not wish to do something, it is disrespectful to ask again and again.

The last issue is my choice to be childfree. My husband and I do not want children. Since my mother is nosy and intrusive, she was trying to get me to talk to my husband on our honeymoon about wanting a child. She also blamed my husband for my choice not to have a child; my mother won't accept that I was not forced into this. Since talking to her about this issue didn't work, my father stepped in after I complained to him.  I don't know why my decision saddens my mother so much; I have three brothers! She already has a granddaughter from one of my siblings and another one on the way from another brother.

When I try to explain why I don't want children to my mother, she becomes very huffy and quickly ends the conversation. For example, tonight my mother was blathering on about some neighbour's adult child having three kids. She mentioned that the neighbour's daughter's hubby wanted a lot of kids. I told my mom that it is very easy for men to say that they want kids, because they hardly go through anything compared to women. One of the main reasons is I saw how being a parent limited my mother's life in many ways; she gave up her education to start a family. She also stayed with my father who cheated because of her kids. I know that the sacrifices my mother made as a parent was the cause of her very anger and bitterness. I often heard my mother refer to her children as "parasites". She also loved to take her anger out on me because I resemble my father's family and she hates them. My mom made being a mother seem like a death sentence.

I see a lot married mothers who are very stressed because they have to do everything. I also notice that many women feel compelled to stay in unhappy marriages because of kids. Though my husband is good to me now, if that changes I don't want to feel trapped with him because we have babies. I am only speaking of my personal experience. I realize that not all mothers feel trapped or overworked.

My brothers all bow down to my mother and pay tribute to her. They constantly buy her gifts, give her money and let her run certain parts of their lives. I am different in the sense that I am not going to pretend that I am close to my mother for her benefit. I have also learned not to share private aspects of my life with my mother, because she likes to gossip and she is very ignorant. Consequently, my mother dislikes me because I am not afraid of her or her disapproval. She moans that I never say that she is a good mother and also complains about how I don't want her in my life. 

My questions to the wise women are as follows:
Would you be sad if your adult child did not want children? Why or why not?
How could a mother expect closeness when she has been cruel for a long time?

Sorry about the font changes...I tried to make the sizes the same to no avail.