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Topics - raindrops_on_my_soul

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Another Thanksgiving gone and I couldn't be happier about it. I already pretty much knew how it would go and I was right, only it was worse. My son and his girlfriend and her two kids showed up empty handed as usual. I did supper because her family comes first, which I already know. They came an hour late, even though I had clarified what time the food would be served. Not apologetic for it at all, in their minds no big deal. So I had tried keeping the food warm for awhile and gave up and put the food away, so it was semi cold when they arrived. This of course delayed me getting the dishes done, which I also did with no offer of help from them. The kids acted horribly. The nine year old girl complained about needing to leave to get back to her grandparents house because she was spending the night there and as she said, didn't want to keep her grandpa waiting. She had spent the entire week over there and was already complaining within an hour of being at our house. At one point she was curled up on the floor in the fetal position whining that we didn't have enough for her to do here. So I asked her what she would do when she got to her grandparents house. She proceeded to tell me she was going to use her tablet. Go figure! Kids don't enjoy anything these days unless it involves a screen in their face. The three year old boy kicked our bedroom doors that I had closed in an attempt to get in. He threw fits every time he didn't get his way, even hitting me on the legs at one point and yelling no at me. He walked all over our coffee table and yanked at the mini blinds in our windows so hard they nearly fell to the floor. All with no correction from either their mom or my son. They saw it as funny. And I could tell, they didn't really want to be here. I think it was a sort of "pity" visit, as my husband would call it. He is right. And really, we don't need pity visits. We have been good to them all, and are just disgusted with them. Her family comes first of course, they always do. But they like keeping me on the hook in case they need something. That is when they remember me. I swear if I never hosted another holiday as long as I live I would be overjoyed about it. What I already knew was only spotlighted by it.

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Status quo must go
« on: July 23, 2017, 03:39:51 PM »
Today I wanted to write about something that I was thinking about earlier. Our kids seem to think we should be on the hook for them for the rest of our lives, always there ready to step in and help every time they need us to. They think we should listen when they need us to, loan money when they need us to, give them a place to stay if they need us to, give gifts for every occasion, and it goes on and on. Yet they don't feel they should do the smallest of things to give back. They don't think they should answer calls or texts, let alone initiate either of those. They don't think they should give gifts, a listening ear, a genuine thank you, or any considerate act of kindness whatsoever. Do they not realize they endanger our relationships with them with this kind of attitude, or just plain don't care? Is the only thing they care about is keeping us on the hook so they have someone to fall back on in hard times, only to neglect us when things are going good for them? And another thing that's been on my mind, and I've seen it many times, is how our adult children will seek out and stick to the ones that treated them the worst, while ignoring and forgetting those of us that did the most. I certainly never meant to send the message that neglect was ok with me by being what I thought was a good person. I would like to send out a new message that says, you know what, this isn't ok with me and I won't tolerate being taken advantage of anymore. Since a conversation won't yield the desired effect, I will have to come up with more creative ways of getting this message across.

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Rethinking gift giving
« on: July 19, 2017, 08:09:13 AM »
HI wise women,

 Both of my sons have August birthdays and I have always given them gifts, but starting this year I don't believe I will be doing that anymore. I know gift giving isn't supposed to be done with the expectation of getting anything in return but I can't help to realize I am the only one doing it. These days they rarely even remember it's my birthday at all. My birthday is in February and my oldest son still hasn't mentioned it. My youngest remembered about a month late and mentioned it nonchalantly. Now this year I know they're going to be wondering why I didn't supply a gift like I always do, but I think all I'm going to do is send a happy birthday text message. I don't plan on giving any explanations about it either, just leave it at that. I don't know what planet people live on anymore but even a fifty cent card shows someone you're thinking of them, even without a gift. But the truth is, even if they remembered it they wouldn't do that. I know they are capable because I see them do these things for other people. My gift and my availability to them has become the expectation they have of me and I've just grown very, very tired of it all. It's been hard for me to face, a very hard thing to acknowledge, but I just don't like them as people. I love them, but I don't like them.

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Argument with son
« on: July 11, 2017, 11:32:43 AM »
Hi wise women,

 I just argued with my son and I'm not sorry for it one bit. He doesn't respond to calls or texts for hours or days, sometimes not even at all. Yet I am always available when he needs me, always have been. Told him the least he could do would be to take calls. Also told him it was a good thing for him that I didn't do him that way. I got a call from him last week informing me that he needed to borrow some money, didnt really even ask me, just made the statement. I agreed to the loan but didn't hear from him about getting the money from me till this week. Over 1000.00, odd how he manages to pick up that phone in his time of need. I loaned him the money, and on the same evening I try to contact him about something and right back to not responding. So today I told him the least he could do would be to respond seeing as how I am the one person in the entire planet that has always been around for him and that I find his lack of availability rude and disrespectful. Of course he didn't see it that way and told me he doesn't go around with a phone attached to his hip, as if I thought he did. All he did was defend himself and didn't even try to understand the problem so I gave up and told him if he couldn't see it for himself I couldn't help him see it. I am not an irrational person and I don't contact him often, I leave him alone. But I wonder how he would like it if I treated him the same way. If I ignored him like he does me he wouldn't have that money right now. He is an ungrateful man that doesn't understand that relationships are a two way street. I love him but right now I don't like the person he is one bit. My husband ( not his father ) doesn't appreciate his attitude either. Says if he wants my money he needs to learn how these things work, two way street, not one way. It's never enough is it? No matter how much we do, we could give everything we had and it's never enough. I just get tired of always being there for someone that is never there for us. It really tempts me to become just as neutral and unavailable to him as he is to us. This isn't just an occasional thing with him it's developed into and ugly pattern. And as the saying goes, I don't trust words, I even question actions, but I never doubt patterns.

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Argument with son
« on: July 11, 2017, 11:27:15 AM »
Hi wise women,

 I just argued with my son and I'm not sorry for it one bit. He doesn't respond to calls or texts for hours or days, sometimes not even at all. Yet I am always available when he needs me, always have been. Told him the least he could do would be to take calls. Also told him it was a good thing for him that I didn't do him that way. I got a call from him last week informing me that he needed to borrow some money, didnt really even ask me, just made the statement. I agreed to the loan but didn't hear from him about getting the money from me till this week. Over 1000.00, odd how he manages to pick up that phone in his time of need. I loaned him the money, and on the same evening I try to contact him about something and right back to not responding. So today I told him the least he could do would be to respond seeing as how I am the one person in the entire planet that has always been around for him and that I find his lack of availability rude and disrespectful. Of course he didn't see it that way and told me he doesn't go around with a phone attached to his hip, as if I thought he did. All he did was defend himself and didn't even try to understand the problem so I gave up and told him if he couldn't see it for himself I couldn't help him see it. I am not an irrational person and I don't contact him often, I leave him alone. But I wonder how he would like it if I treated him the same way. If I ignored him like he does me he wouldn't have that money right now. He is an ungrateful man that doesn't understand that relationships are a two way street. I love him but right now I don't like the person he is one bit. My husband ( not his father ) doesn't appreciate his attitude either. Says if he wants my money he needs to learn how these things work, two way street, not one way. It's never enough is it? No matter how much we do, we could give everything we had and it's never enough. I just get tired of always being there for someone that is never there for us. It really tempts me to become just as neutral and unavailable to him as he is to us. This isn't just an occasional thing with him it's developed into and ugly pattern. And as the saying goes, I don't trust words, I even question actions, but I never doubt patterns.

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / The surprises never cease
« on: April 13, 2017, 12:42:06 PM »
Hi everyone
 I wanted to tell yall what I discovered today. I had a look at my oldest sons facebook page and saw that he had added a woman that his father had an affair with while we were still married. I immediately saw red! Cannot believe he would have the desire to have someone like that on his facebook. How dare he. Words cannot begin to describe my feelings at this moment. I want so badly to confront him but I don't want him to know that I have been snooping. But how do I continue on pretending not to have seen this? And the bigger question is why would he even want to befriend someone like that? I am no longer mad about the affairs his father had as I divorced him and remarried long ago and he has since then died, nor am I angry at the woman he had the affair with. But it still feels like a betrayal by my son. How do I get beyond this?

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / The surprises never cease
« on: April 13, 2017, 12:21:26 PM »
Hi everyone
 I wanted to tell yall what I discovered today. I had a look at my oldest sons facebook page and saw that he had added a woman that his father had an affair with while we were still married. I immediately saw red! Cannot believe he would have the desire to have someone like that on his facebook. How dare he. Words cannot begin to describe my feelings at this moment. I want so badly to confront him but I don't want him to know that I have been snooping. But how do I continue on pretending not to have seen this? And the bigger question is why would he even want to befriend someone like that? I am no longer mad about the affairs his father had as I divorced him and remarried long ago and he has since then died, nor am I angry at the woman he had the affair with. But it still feels like a betrayal by my son. How do I get beyond this?

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Hi all

 I am writing today to talk about how inconsiderate my kids are. I had an egd procedure last week to look inside my stomach because I had been having tummy problems for some time. Both of my sons knew I was having this done because I told them days before. Neither one of them called me or texted to ask me if everything had gone ok and if everything was alright with me. It isn't that I'm surprised by that because I'm really not, but I must say I am disgusted by it. I am appalled by the total disregard for my well being that they do not even try to hide. I cannot imagine how anyone could become so sadly selfish and self absorbed. I think there is some kind of strange disconnect with adult kids these days, either they don't care or they don't feel the need to think of anyone other than themselves. Mine are 33 and 30 years old, so closer to being millenials and for some reason that age group seems like a very selfish bunch. They seem to think it's a one way street and I have no idea where they got that idea from. I couldn't do anyone that way and would never have done my parents like that.

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Hi everyone,

 I felt like writing today about something that still bothers me. I have mentioned before that my youngest became involved with a woman much older than him. At that time he was still living with me and my husband ( not his father ). This was back in 2009, he was 23 years old at the time. He met the woman at his place of employment and she was 40. Needless to say I was really upset about this. I foresaw a future for him that did not look good because I always felt the age difference was going to become a burden at some point. It turned out this was true because he divorced her over a year ago. Anyway, when he was still living with us as I said he was 23 and had a good job but had not yet transitioned into living on his own, which I was fine with until he began seeing her. But he started spending nights at her place when she would allow him to and would stay with us when she wouldn't. Sort of like using our place as a weigh station so to speak. This went on for several weeks and I was becoming more and more upset about it. So I told him to move out immediately, I didn't even allow him time to look for a new place. I really assumed he would be moving in with her right away but as it turned out he couldn't because her aunt was living there and didn't want him living with them. He told me about this but I said to him I wasn't going to allow him to live with us anymore and he ended up having to get a motel room for afew weeks until he could get an apartment. I felt at the time he needed to grow up but I didn't consider that I might end up feeling this way at some point ( guilty ).
I also said some things to him that were probably hurtful. In retrospect I feel I should've  handled things very differently than I did. I feel I should've allowed him to stay with us, at least until he could've found a place and not made him feel alienated. I can't stop feeling so terribly guilty about it all. I know it has been a long time ago ( over 7 years now ) but I still can't help feeling like this.
I have apologized to him for it long ago even though he never acted like he resented me or expressed any hurt feelings about it.  He told me that he doesn't hold any of that against me but I hold it against myself. We have, for the most part, had a good relationship, except for some mostly minor things.
I think what I am trying to say is that no matter all the good things I have done for him over the years I feel this one thing is hanging over my head and has become a part of my permanent record as Mom. And it isn't because I really feel he dwells on that but because I do. He is involved with someone new now his own age and it looks very promising. I believe they are very happy. But I haven't been able to let this go in my own head and I think of it often. I would like to move on from it but I don't know how to forgive myself for that. I just feel like I failed him. I can't really bring this up to him anymore as he assured me in the past that it doesn't matter so I am kind of on my own struggling with it. Advice, please and thank you for listening

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / tired of the status quo
« on: December 26, 2015, 08:18:10 AM »
Hi everyone,

 I am really glad christmas is over again. I wind up going through the same emotions every single time. Each and every year I give my son and his family money for christmas so they can buy what they need to help have a good holiday. I have been doing this for years now. They live far away so I do not get to see them. My son always thanks me but his wife and my grandkids never do, not once have they ever. They never give gifts to me either, which I dont expect but just found out that they do give gifts to her family. This realization has made me feel really overlooked and left out. Why would they think I am any less deserving? I am ok with not exchanging gifts, but dont feel that I should be expected to do give gifts, with no gratitude ever expressed toward me from his family. I also dont think that is sending their kids a good message, kids should be taught to be grateful. A simple thank you really does go a long way toward creating good will. I feel like this has become expected of me rather than appreciated, and it isnt sitting well with me. I am thinking about not sending these gifts anymore, just sick of the one way street and status quo.

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Ladies I need advice desperately,
 My youngest son that I have spoken about in previous posts has decided that he isn't happy with his wife. He is 28, she is 45. I personally have never really liked her because of the way she has treated me. But all that aside, he has been back here staying with me and my husband (not his father) for a week now and still has not come up with any decision about whether he is leaving her for good or returning back to her. I have asked numerous times. Ladies, don't get me wrong, I love my son, but it is driving me crazy. Me and my husband have been living by ourselves since my son moved out 6 years ago. We are used to doing our own thing and not having to alter things as we just are not used to having someone here all the time. I have had to give up my extra room that I use for internet and reading and such so he can have a room to sleep in. I didn't mind at first, but I had hoped by now he would have decided to go back home to his wife. I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I keep waiting for him to say what his plan is and so far it just isn't happening. Now I know things like this can't be rushed, but in the meantime I feel like my life is on hold and I just want my life back. He has made no mention of what he will do if he decides to proceed with a divorce. I don't want to go back to him living here full time like he did before he moved out 6 years ago. Advice ladies please!

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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / being excluded
« on: July 04, 2015, 08:34:11 AM »
Just taking a moment to vent again, which I occasionally do to keep my wits about me. I just want to say that it would've been nice to have gotten any in-laws that desired some kind of relationship with me. Isn't the case with my oldest sons wife, youngest sons wife, or my husbands family. None of them have shown me anything but mostly a hard time. No phone calls just to chat, no plans ever of any kind. Not that I expect that anymore, I don't. But on days like today, holidays.....I can't help but think it. My youngest sons wife, who is much older than him, used to include me early on in their marriage. But then as I have said before, she became very rude and all that stopped after I assume what she thought of as a certain amount of time had passed after they got married and she no longer felt like it was something she should do. They had a big family get together yesterday to celebrate the 4th because my son had to work today. Not a word of it was mentioned to me until it was over last night, when my son told me about it, as if there was nothing unusual about it. My in-laws through my husband  have never included me in on anything unless he was able to attend with me. I never understood that, why my being included relied on him being able to go as well. If he has a disagreement with them, they think it is because I put him up to it or I am putting ideas in his head. When I try being involved in my sons lives I am monopolizing their time. If they fight about something, well it must be because I raised them wrong. I just don't get it, where and how people come up with these things, and what the motivation to exclude and isolate is. I will deal with it though, and put it behind me, as I always have.

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / It all finally blew up
« on: December 29, 2014, 11:02:30 AM »
Hi everyone,

 I held off speaking my mind to my youngest son for four years. Four years of of this huge disconnect on his part, no interaction or interest whatsoever. Unless that is, he needed something. Four years of him never coming by, and being treated so rudely by his wife when I myself went by to see him. Four years of seeing her sitting on the couch with her back to me, while I sat in their kitchen trying to converse with him. Four years of her snide remarks. Four years of being made to feel second class. I could no longer do it. I went by on Christmas evening to give the gifts and a cherry pie to them. His wife's family was all there and upon my arrival I get the usual ice treatment, while he stands there acting oblivious. I left quickly. I just could not do it one more time. I came home and waited a bit and called him. I told him everything that had been bothering me all this time, did not hold back. My attempt at being real about it all was met with complete and utter denial by him. He told me his wife meant no harm, and I should not be offended. He said if I felt that way I did not have to go by. Said he had his own life now and did not have time for coming over. He also dropped the gauntlet on me. He had not spoken with his father for 10 years because of their differences. Then, last July, his father died unexpectedly at the age of 48. Nothing between them was ever resolved because of my sons refusal to try and mend things. He told me that it may be best for him to go ahead and put me in the same category he had his father! In other words, write me off. I could not believe my ears. He said it twice, and I cannot tell you how the cruelty of those words cut right into my very soul. It made it even worse knowing his father died without a reconciliation between them, because it tells me he learned nothing from that. He feels justified in it all, and is willing to take the same chance with me. If that isn't the gauntlet I don't know what is. It's terrible. All he did was defend himself and her both, no understanding or concern about my feelings whatsoever. And no word from him since, saying he overreacted or anything. Which also shows he has no remorse. I truly believe he lacks any empathy, which is not a good sign. Very selfish man I see this now. I am done with it. My best efforts were not enough. They truly do not enjoy having me in their life, so I am out of it. I am ok with it. It is better than what I was doing and feeling so badly about. His cell phone is still tied in with mine, which up to now I have always gone by his house to get the check every month for. Not sure what to do about that now. Probably best to remove him from my account, so I don't have to deal with it at all. I'm sure he won't step up and do it. I never thought I would hear such cruel words from him, but apparently I did not know him. I will never see him in the same way again, it is over.

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / phone call from son
« on: November 24, 2014, 08:05:36 AM »
My oldest son called me a few days ago with the biggest whine session I think I have ever heard. He had written a near novel and wanted me to listen to it. I swear he talked non stop for 30 minutes just reading the stuff he'd written down. Of course it was all about him and how the world had done him wrong. His childhood wasn't good enough, nobody had ever given him a break in life, etc. He told me that I had never made him comfortable enough to talk to me growing up, said I was always mad. That simply isn't true. He also mentioned a few other things he had a beef on me about. It was all very petty to me and would've been a real slap in the face if I had allowed it to be. The truth is the things that have gone wrong in his life have been because of decisions he made for himself after he left home at 18. He is one of these kind that won't simply let things be peaceful and calm. Constant chaos is what he and his wife create and what I don't understand is why he complains about the very things he chooses. He seems to think things are so very complicated and nothing is easy. But to me the truth is one can choose to or choose not to make things simple and why make life harder than it has to be? He is 31 years old and he seems to be getting worse, not better. That is not a good sign. I gave him everything I was capable of giving and to be told it wasn't good enough! It is never enough.....give and give and give......years of giving and sacrifice were not good enough! And he wants to bring up all his petty complaints now, at his age. Unbelievable! I told him I gave all, and if I fell short somehow along the way to forgive me. I told him to stop focusing on himself so much and focus on others. Go out and do something to help other people. Stop living for yesterday and start living for today. But you know what, I don't think he listened to anything I said. He just makes excuses for himself. I think he likes self pity and would rather gripe than to actually resolve anything. He seems to think all the planets have to align properly in order for peace and happiness to come to him. I don't see things that way at all. I see things simply. Peace and happiness are there for the taking if he wants to choose it. Sadly though, I don't think he is going to anytime soon from the tone of our conversation.

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For the first time in five years, I have not called or gone to see my son for a month now. Not surprisingly neither him nor his wife has bothered to ask me why. They both have to know by now something is different, and very wrong. Boy oh boy, do actions speak volumes or what?

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