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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Topics - sad

1
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Update
August 30, 2013, 07:38:05 PM
I have to thank everyone here.  No, I have not had any contact with my daughter.  She still hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me.  However, I have moved to a good place ... or at least ... I have convinced myself that I am now in a good place.  Only time will tell, but I think I'm ok now.  Previously, I was obsessing every day, all hours of the day about how my daughter and her husband had turned against me.  I lamented on and on about how I would miss my grandson grow up and, indeed, I will.  But one woman here changed my way of thinking when she asked if anyone had ever taken the off ramp and decided to just abandon all thought of having a relationship with her daughter.  I, at that point, had not thought that way at all.  Luise commented on how she admired that the woman had chosen not to be a victim in this process.  I paused, and thought about it too.  For weeks.

I did not actually make a decisive decision about it, but, slowly, I came into the position and emotional acceptance that I was better off taking the off ramp and that it was ok.  I've lasted the last couple of months this way.  I"m happy now.  I feel as if life is going to move forward in a fantastic way.... and I really don't think that I'm fooling myself into this fantasy.  I think I really feel this way.  For the first time in two months, I had a really angry thought about how my daughter and her husband and family have treated me.  I have a habit of writing my feelings and pressing send, but now I write my feelings and save them in my google drive.  I have a great emotional gripe session and then instead of pressing send, I cut and paste my thoughts onto my google  document.  I can, of course, send it some day.  But, for now, I'm saving my thoughts. 

I think I"m a peace now, but can't be sure.  I wish you all the best.  I will return to check on you all once in a while.   Of course, I'm still sad about the outcome, but am at peace now.  I'm changing my lifestyle and embarking on learning new and different things.  Maybe this is better for me.  Good luck to you all.  Best wishes.
2
I know I'm new.  But, I found this quote on Pinterest and I immediately thought of Luise.  Thanks for everything Luise.  You, strangely, have made quite an impact on my life in the past few days.  Thanks so much for sharing.

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen."
3
Ok, I'm new.  Here's how it started.  My daughter dated this guy in college, they broke up, she went a while without seeing and then told me that she missed him.  Stupid me says "Call him then, if you feel that way."  Did I say how stupid that was?  Well, he came to visit that week and within two weeks she moved out of her apartment and across the country to live with him.  He is a marine, so the only way they could be with one another was for her to move, I guess.  He is not a loser (as far as I know).  He is very educated and so is she.  They both are very accomplished to the point that it is nauseating.  But in public, its like they are running for darn office or something... they are the baby kissers and hand shakers.  They are good with one another (I think). 

I, however, am not social outside of my close group of friends.  I have a very comfortable home and I like to stay home a lot.  I've never been one to love holidays, especially when there is a lot of commotion going on.  My entire family knows this and they humor me and leave me alone.  Well my daughter's husband has three brothers, lots of cousins and his family has very close friends.  My daughter flew to the area with her husband and son and they were going to spend Christmas with his family.  I said great, since they were going to be here to two weeks that she could come over the river (a 30 minute ride) and spend one day with me.  She flipped out and told me that if I did not spend Christmas at her family-in-law's home that I would never see my grandson again.

I told her that I did not want to come to their house and sh e could come visit me.  She responded that I must visit and that if I did not visit and LOVE her husbands family as she did that I could forget about seeing her and my grandchild again.  I told her that she could not and will not make me love anyone I don't choose to love.  Adding to the fact that the husband's family are seemingly uncaring people.  In my eyes, they are incredibly rude.  I have witnessed his mother be rude to my mother and his father be rude to my father.  When my entire family was visiting with his entire family during the wedding, my dad and I were upstairs playing with my grandson in my grandson's room and my husband's brothers arrived, ran into the room, picked up my grandson and took him out of the room without even saying hello to my father and I.  Rude, rude, rude, rude.  I can't stand them.

Add onto that, whenever I do get a chance to go out and visit them, the mother-in-law can't stand it.  She has to hop on a plane and come too.  I have not spent any time with my daughter.  So, finally, she invites me for a week and I tell my friends that finally I'll get to spend some quality time with my daughter because  is parents don't know that I'm coming.  I get there and I hear my son-in-law tell his mother I'm there.  The next day, he texts my daughter that his father is going to come and stay with us!!!!!!!!!!!  I refused to have the man pushed on me and I kissed my daughter and grandson and got back on the train for the 10 hour train-ride home.  I could not believe that the father (who lives near me so had to also ride 10 hours) was intruding once again.

My son-in-law got angry and followed me to the train station and called me all types of choice words.  He told me I did not love my daughter and then went home and told her how much I don't love her because I won't visit with his father.  So, now it gets worse.  She wrote me and told me she never wanted to see me again and that this was it.  I was never to contact her or her sonhis  again.  I was angry with her husband for lying to her so I wrote to his mother and father and told them to butt out of my business.  I included that they had been a bad influence on my daughter and how her personality had extremely changed.  She is now a super B(*&^^.    She hasn't talked to me since.

My parents went to visit her soon after and she yelled at them calling them fat and lazy... my mom has been in a wheelchair for two years and now has had an operation and can walk.  She is walking two miles a day.  Neither one of them are lazy.  They have just had exhausting physical problems.  Well, they were both devastated and in their words 'stunned' by the accusations she made at them.  She announced on facebook to all her friends that her mother was trying to break up her marriage which I'm not, I just want to be left alone, talk to her a couple times a week and nothing more.  That's what we were doing before this whole thing happened.  She'd call me on skype, I'd coo over the grandson, we'd hang up and go about our lives.  No bad words, no arguments.  It was as it always had been.... until this nasty family gets involved. 

She hasn't talked to me for two months now.  She changed her phone number and blocked my e-mails.  I don't know what else to do.  I'm not an angel in this situation, but I do not want to spend the rest of my life being expected to join this horrible family for holidays.  I had to take a stand.  I regret that my daughter tried to force them on me when she knows I don't like to be social.

I guess there is nothing anyone can say, but it feels good to tell my story.