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Messages - Stilllearning

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Should I speak up?
« on: November 26, 2017, 01:52:59 PM »
Sorry Bamboo2!  I did not mean that she just needs to accept flaws, especially flaws like you describe.  I stress to my DS that he cannot expect his wife to change for him.  Most people who are forced into a change they do not want to make (like stop drinking) will either relapse repeatedly (but honey I love you and I will never do it again!) or resent the heck out of you for forcing them to give up something they enjoyed.  That is where the acceptance is vital.  "If you cannot do that then the relationship is....well......doomed."  So if the behavior is unacceptable now, during the wonderful start of a relationship then the writing is on the wall. 

Trying to stay quiet and still available to your DD is vital!  Congrats on just listening!!  My DS has started mentioning things that my DIL does that he cannot live with and I struggle all the time with not standing up and cheering!  It takes a tremendous amount of restraint to tell him that I hope it works out but I want for him to be happy.  I am surprised that I haven't choked!! 

Also, I have a niece who was sure that she and her DH were on the skids and she said things that made me want to punch him(seriously!).  I somehow managed to keep my mouth shut (a miracle actually) and they worked through their rough spots and are going strong 5 years later.  When we are angry at someone we say things to get the people we are talking to on our side and sometimes we regret what we said later.  Maybe things are not as dire as your DD made them sound.  I hope that is the case!!

Trusting our children's judgement is the hardest part of this time in life.  Good luck!!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Should I speak up?
« on: November 26, 2017, 03:19:46 AM »
Luise has, as usual, given some wonderful insights into how to handle your situation.  The only thing I would add is that when my DS mentions things that my DIL needs to change I have always told him that when you are in a relationship you have to accept the faults of the other person.  You cannot expect them to change for you, you must adjust your expectations to align with the way they are.  If you cannot do that then the relationship is....well......doomed.

I think that if you tell your DD that often enough she will stop telling you the faults of her BF.

Good luck!!

Well I had a similar but different experience.  My DS/DIL and the two grands (2&4) showed up early as planned but they did not offer to do anything.  I finally got to the point where I was requesting things like can you set the table and such and all of my requests were quickly and graciously answered so that part was OK.  Once dinner was done DIL collected the plates for me and left me to do the dishes.  Once the dishes were done I realized that DS and DIL were both asleep on the couches in the den. The 2 year old was down for a nap but the 4 year old was watching tv so guess who got to look after the 4 year old?  You got it!!

So I got to spend the rest of the afternoon watching her and then came the bath for both of the girls, the third total melt down for the 4 year old and off they went home.  All in all it was a totally unsatisfying Thanksgiving day and so now I am considering not inviting them for Christmas.  I have not decided yet because I am waiting for the distaste to fade first.  I put a lot of effort into making the day great for everyone else and I saw zero return on that effort. 

I forgot to mention that you might want to pick a forum name that is less identifiable in case someone you know reads this forum.

More hugs!!!

Welcome M and we are glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our "Open Me First" page and read the permanent posts there that explain our site better.  Please pay particular attention to our forum agreement to be sure that we are a proper fit for your needs.  We are a monitored website.

I have no experience with a sister who mistreats my mother but I do have experience with a DIL who mistreats my DS.  It upsets me horribly when I hear about it and I would so love to straighten things out (tell my DIL a thing or two) but I know that I cannot fix it.  My DS is an adult who is responsible for his life and it is totally up to him to either continue to put up with her behavior or put his foot down about it.  It is very hard to bite my tongue when she complains about him.  It is also difficult to offer a listening ear without actively taking sides.  Don't get me wrong, my DS knows that I am on his side but it is so difficult to hear him complain about her and not chime in and put her down more.  I have to listen quietly and not offer any suggestions what so ever.  It is a very difficult task but if they stay together I do not want my DS telling her about every derogatory remark I made (and yes, I do believe he would).  So my hat is off to you!  I think the comfort is both what she wants and what she needs.  Your Mother will make up her own mind and fortunately she will have you there to back up her decision, whatever that decision is.  Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing.


Welcome C!!  I am glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website. Thanks in advance!

I know the hurt you feel.  I had the problem before the grands came along.  My DS and his wife seemed to spend all of their time and holidays with her FOO and none with me.  It stung to know that I was being left out and the more I focused on that hurt, the bigger that hurt got.  I overcame that pain out by planning other things to do on the holidays.  I spent one Thanksgiving day canoeing instead of cooking (the weather was beautiful!).  I cooked my turkey on Friday that year because the weather was really yucky and staying inside cooking was not such a burden.  It was liberating moving the holiday around to suit myself and my DH.  I enjoyed it so much that I started moving other celebrations around too.  I found that if I did not know about the parties and other things that they did not upset me so now I deliberately avoid finding out about them by staying away from Facebook, especially my DIL's page.

Anyway the point is that once I started using my time to make myself and my DH happy my life turned around.  I once went to a seminar where two sayings stuck in my head:

"For things to change first I must change"


"What you focus on expands"

I think you can have some real fun planning a get together with your grandchildren for some other time!  Have a blast! 

Welcome Sadheart!! 

Boy I can really feel the pain you are going through!  I was included in the wedding but it was made very clear that that was the extent of my inclusion.  After all they wanted us to pay for the rehearsal dinner so they had to let us attend the ceremony.  I went to the wedding and it was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done.  Sitting there smiling while I knew my DS was making such a terrible error was almost impossible.  My new DIL even made a big deal about hugging me on the way out of the church, something she had not prepared me for and I am sure the look on my face let all of her family know how taken aback I was.  Some time around then I gave up on trying to achieve a good relationship with my DIL.  If she weren't my DS's wife I would not even talk to her.  Anyhow the relationship I have with my DS has improved greatly while his marriage unfortunately deteriorates. 

I had to learn to plan things to keep my mind off of the fact that my DS forgot mother's day, my birthday, our anniversary, Christmas, Thanksgiving and (it felt like)how to dial a phone so I started planning something for those days.  I went camping, canoeing, to dinner with someone else. 

In retrospect it would have been nice to have the money I spent on the rehearsal dinner to plan a trip.  I would have planned the trip to coincide with the wedding so that when anyone else brought up the wedding I could say "I am going to (insert travel destination)that week!  I am so excited!"  Anyway, the point is that you deserve to be happy so don't let your future DIL take your happiness away.  Hugs!!

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At my wits end
« on: September 29, 2017, 02:15:45 AM »
Great news Mummybear!!  I remember how wonderful it felt to me when I found this site and realized that I was not alone!  I never tire of having others remind me of that feeling!  Mine is a long road full of potholes but I am getting better at avoiding the big holes!  Sounds like you have a good handle on your situation.  Keep up the good work and remember that we are here for you!

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« on: September 29, 2017, 02:05:09 AM »
Hello Things Happens!

I have modified your post because there was some foul language.  Please refer to our forum agreement where it states "It also won't work here to use foul language. Since everyone’s definition of what that constitutes varies…the plan is to just not to go there. Words that are abbreviated will be deleted. If we can figure it out, it’s a no-go."  Thanks for your insight!!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: adult son tells of years of abuse
« on: September 26, 2017, 06:04:33 PM »
Kate 123: After discussing your response with Luise, it has been removed in the hopes that you will choose to rewrite it in a gentler vein. Our Forum Agreement requires that we pass on being judgmental and further states: "We offer each other our 'first person' experience, not advice."  You have many wonderful insights to offer, please try to offer them from the first person in the future.   Thanks.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« on: September 26, 2017, 05:19:26 PM »
You must be an incredible MIL, far better than the norm (or me either!).  I feel like the issues my DIL has with my DS are her own and should be dealt with as such.  Actually the same goes for the issues my DS has with my DIL.  I will listen but I will not intervene or offer opinions in any way.  Not my circus, not my monkeys.  Good luck!!

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« on: September 26, 2017, 04:57:59 PM »
Whoa Kate.  I made the mistake of taking a long car trip with my DIL during which she complained about my DS for the entire 4 hours.  Well that is not true because she complained about her family for about half the time.  I did not defend my DS.  I kept my mouth shut.  We visited with my brother and his wonderful wife and then headed home.  On the way home she started in on complaining about everything (my DS included) and she continued until I said " Could you please, please say something nice about my son?  I am sorry but I am no longer in control of my DS.  He is not in my house and therefore he is outside my sphere of influence.  He is in yours.  Why did you marry him if you think so poorly of him?"  It was the last trip I took with her and I plan on keeping it that way.

So I guess the question is can you still see the wonderful qualities you saw in your boyfriend when you first got together?  If not it might be time to rethink the situation.  Do not look on your BF's mother as a possible ally in your arguments with your BF.  She cannot make things right in your relationship but you can.

Good luck!!  Hugs!

ps....I always told my MIL how wonderful her son was to me in spite of the troubles we might be going through.  He also never told my parents about his issues with me.  There are some things that should be private for everyone's sake.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: adult son tells of years of abuse
« on: September 26, 2017, 01:28:32 AM »
Hi K and welcome to WWU!  We ask that all new member visit our "Open Me First" page and read our forum agreement.  There is nothing wrong with your post but we are a monitored website and we want you to be sure that we are a good fit for your needs.

Many of the women here have had their children blame them for everything wrong in their lives and they will, I am sure, offer better suggestions than I have to offer.  My DS shut me out of his life and the injustice of that consumed me.  It became the only thing I talked about, thought about and worried about.  It almost ruined my marriage and it definitely affected my relationships with friends and coworkers.  After all who wants to talk with a woman who only whines about her DS?  Finally I realized that although I could not change the way my DS felt I could change how I reacted to it.  I deserve to have a happy life, right?  I started focusing on the things that made me happy.  Every time I thought about my DS I actively wrenched my thoughts back to things that I enjoy.  I now call thoughts of that bad relationship "the abyss" because they suck me into a life of pain and darkness.  I still visit the abyss from time to time but I no longer live there.

So for now I think you need to think about things that make you happy and stop trying to make sense out of the situation.  You cannot change it and if you let it invade your life it will make your life worse, not better.  It is a tough thing to do but you can change your focus and what you focus on expands.  Good luck!

Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« on: September 18, 2017, 11:23:20 AM »
Wow!  What an eye opener!  I have never seen it before and I do think it is so true.  Thanks for sharing.....and if I click on the link it opens the picture large enough to read it.  I think you did great!!  Hugs!

Oh and I edited it for you   :)

Welcome,J. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.  Also you might want to pick a user name that is less identifiable. 

My DIL treated me badly and talked my DS into all kinds of things until I stood up for myself.  I just got to the point where being around my DS was no longer pleasant and I wondered why I kept trying so hard to do something that I did not enjoy.  I never had that big blow up or said anything in particular about it I just pulled back.  I stopped being available for things.  It was surprising to me how her attitude to me changed when I stopped trying to make the relationship work and started focusing on making my life happy even if I did not get to see my DS and grands.  The other thing you need to consider is that you are letting your grands see the way that they are treating you and teaching them that it is OK to treat people that way.  I know it is hard, especially for you because of the CPS issue, but continuing to help might be considered enabling. 

As I have heard over and over on this site we raised our children and we did the best we could at the time.  Our children still have lessons to learn from life and it is difficult for us to stand by and let them learn their lessons for themselves, but once you are an adult if you won't listen to advice the school of hard knocks is the unavoidable alternative.

I found that the best way for me to stop trying to make things right with my DS was to start focusing on the things I like to do.  Every time my mind wandered to the issues I had with my DS/DIL (I call it the abyss because it swallows up all the enjoyment in my life) I would tell myself "What you focus on expands" and start planning my next camping trip.  The more often I shifted my thoughts the easier it got and now I rarely visit the abyss.  I still wish that I had a better relationship with my DS but it is what it is and my attempting to improve it only hurts matters.

I am sure that you will get other replies and perhaps several points of view.  The beauty of this site is that you can take what you want and leave the rest.  We are here for you, you are not alone.  You deserve to enjoy your life.  Hugs!!!

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