Thank you Luise and Kirk, and to all the wise women here.

KG

Happy Mother's Day to everyone!

KG

The bride's mother has no business telling you anything.  You don't have to explain anything to her.

I would be tempted to tell them about the RO.  These kinds of circumstances lead to you being portrayed as the "unreasonable" one, when in fact others don't have all the pieces of the puzzle. While they shouldn't judge, they probably will.

There is no obligation to keep this kind of info a secret, and doing so helps the development of these kinds of manipulative  circumstances.  There is also the case to be made that the bride should know about this.  Her father-in-law is someone who could be troublesome to her in the future and hiding his background doesn't do her any favours.  It would appear that your son hasn't told her, otherwise her mother would know about it.

I expect that unfortunately all major events, children, etc. will be subject to all kinds of hassles, and this occasion will likely cast the precedent for the future.  It's very sad but how lucky you are to have a DH who can help you through it.

KG

If you have the RO suspended to attend the wedding, you could always bring an additional 2 "guests" (private security people whose job it is to make sure that your ex behaves).  You could put that option to your son as a condition on suspending the order for whatever time if the lawyer thinks that is a good idea.  Maybe your son should pay for the security types because he is the one asking for concessions.

It's very difficult to find out that your son is prepared to ask you to do this wherever it is coming from (your ex, etc.), but since he will soon have a wife, and if there are children down the road, he may come back to you in the future and expect you to "adapt".

KG 

Whitney, I don't think you should allow your son to blackmail you.  Period.   

As for getting the restraining order dismissed for an occasion where there "WILL be violence" for whatever reason, liquor tends to flow as wide as the Mississippi during wedding receptions, and emotions can run high.........No. 

Restraining orders are there for a reason and reasonable people don't need them.  There is no reason to dismiss the restraining order unless harassment and/or worse are in the cards and the person whose behaviour has been the problem is unwilling, unable or tempted to behave badly and wants to mitigate the legal consequences.

I'm sorry you've been put in this position, I suspect the ex is pressuring your son to have you dismiss the restraining order.  Either way, it's a bad idea and it's quite inconsiderate of your son to put you on the spot this way.  Blackmail is nasty, and if you give in to his terms, you can expect more in the future.   

I think you should decided what your terms are and then pass them along to your son.  I can't imagine enjoying a celebration with the subtle undercurrent of violence in the air.

Good luck,

KG


*Full Disclosure - I did not attend my son's wedding and it was difficult but I've consoled myself with the fact that I brought him up and was there for 30 years for him, so if I missed one day (his bride wanted the big shindig and he wanted a simple ceremony), there were a lot more days that I was there for him.

Thanks for posting, Kirk, what a happy photo!

KG

I would go out to dinner with him.  It seems he has something on his mind and would be more comfortable with discussing it with you.  Since he's asked and it's a reasonable request, I don't see any reason not to agree to it.  Your husband should be able to manage a few hours on his own without you, forget the guilt.

KG