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For Pooh, about the drama comment, I read something recently that helped me and made me laugh...

Not my monkeys, not my circus.

To reply 37 I'm SO HOPING you will get this message!
There is a book and a workbook called
STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. BY RANDI KREGER WITH JAMES PAUL SHIRLEY.
Practical strategies for living with someone who has borderline personality disorder.
My bi polar daughter has been incredibly cruel not just to me but to everyone in her life. She would " punish" me by keeping my GD from me. On and on. I found this book and workbook and I've done a complete 180 in my interactions with her. Praise God I found these books. My GD is now 13 and she sees her mom for the troubled person she is. My GD has pretty much had to raise herself but she's a beautiful and strong young lady. I plan to give this book and workbook to her when she's 18.

It has helped me to PLAN AHEAD so there are no outbursts. It has taught me to not even discuss anything with my DD AND ITS MADE A HUGE difference in dealing with my DD I sure hope you get this post and I wish you all the best. You WILL be better understanding what these people live with. It's all good. I feel like I'm home free as far as my GD goes and I'm at peace with the knowledge I've gained. However, I still do not see my middle daughter, but at least the bi polar oldest and I can have nice times now that I'm mindful of her condition and I keep my distance. It's ok. So, of my 3 AC my son is good, the bi polar DD IS MANAGEABLE and I just have one more to go and there may never be a reconnection. Time will tell. And I have my GD and new DH. I GUESS WE HAVE TO FOCUS ON THE GOOD things. And I've joined a new small church and it is wonderful to do things for people who glow with thankfulness for anything you do. It's amazing to have people full of kindness and thankfulness. This is where I want to invest my last remaining years. Bless yourself by blessing others who appreciate you. 

To Dedicated Mom.....I, too, left an alcoholic , abusive husband after 22 years of horrific abuse. I supported all 5 of us, him, me and 2


daughters and one young son with my work. My girls are awful to me , one is now 40 and another is 43. they got even worse after their  father died 10 years ago. I(t appears to me that children from an alcoholic father come to want the love of their dad, and they abuse the mom. Their father did not physically abuse them, but they saw what he did to me. My son is wonderful to me. the girls seem to have inherited his bi polarness, and unsuccessful personal lives, not my son. My ex drank to bury his mental illness which made it all the worse. I did everything for my children, gave them all I had, and now, all I have is heartache. I made a friend this last year, she was a customer, and she poured  out her broken heart to me. I was able to help her, her ONLY daugther has dumped her, so cruel. Her ex husband was an absent father abusive alcoholic too. My friend did everything to help her daughter and now my firend has no daughter, or grandsons. It breaks my heart for her. She is new to this pain. So, I have a good and very wise man friend who is a well known psychologist, so I think I might see him once more with my new, wonderful, husband, just to talk about this issue of girls growing up to abuse and hurt the mother parent who was there for them, I pretty much understand it all, but if I find any new insight, I will share it on this thread since so many of us are in the same situation.I will keep you updated. What sorrow, what heartache and there is nothing we can do to make them love us. I think their lives are much happier without me in them, it is what it is.

I'm back, need another dose of sharing and caring. I wrote earlier that my new friend and I were going to read the book" mothers who love too much." We never read it, it was more directed towards raising young children. I felt a bit annoyed when someone on this thread said we can never love too much. Then I read on and was enlightened by a few others who said, " I have lost affection for my AC" yes, that says it quite well, and more than one person said it. I also have read where more than one mother has said they will no longer accept the abuse. They demand not just respect, but maybe they should call it civility. I agree. While I would hurl myself in front of a truck to this day if I had to to save my mean DD, I have lost affection for both of them. Not my son who treats me like a queen. I will never share myself with either daughter again in this life. I see the one bi polar daughter, but after having read up extensively on this disorder, I know how to function around her. It is " O.K". If I say squat, we get along just fine. Superficial, but it is ok. I know she senses a change in me. I'm happy, I just nod and share very little of my life with her. I just let her talk. I do not see her that often, but the meetings are pleasant enough. The other daughter is just plain mean. It's going on two years I have had nothing to do with her. I told her we can be civil, have a lunch now and then etc. but she will not do that, she tells people I disowned her. What I DID tell her was " until you. An great me with respect and own up to your promises, we cannot have a close relationship." I do not miss the drama in her life,I do not believe she will ever see me again because I changed the rules ans she HATES change. She would prefer to use and abuse me as did her deceased father. I now have a wonderful husband. All in all, my life will end on a good note. I wish it was different and I had a closeness to my daughters that I have with my son, but it is not in the cards for me and if my husband goes to heaven before me, I would rather live alone in peace and kindness than with either of them in disharmony. Thank you all for sharing, you have helped me and bless you Louise and son for helping us all. 

Many of you have suggested getting help for the daughter. I could never get my 36 year old daughter to go for help. I finally gave up. We are estranged. I have to just leave her alone. There is. Toning else I can do now....but pray and take care of myself. I had to let her go.

  Such a good site, so helpful, what a miracle this is that someone realized a need for this kind of help. Thank you.

I loved reading the comment about how our AC learned how to treat us with disrespect, common courtesies etc. They did if they had witnessed it. A friend of mine who has recently " been abandoned" by her AD and I are going to get together once a week and discuss one chapter at a time. The book Is called"Mothers who love too much." I have finally released myself from my two disrespectful AD AND I LOVE THE NEW FOUND PEACE IN MY LIFE AT AGE 67. It's OK. If they cannot be kind and courteous to me, I don't want to see them. 

I have finally decided NOT to acknowledge my abusive daughter's 40th  birthday...not to get even or be mean, but to show that I have cut emotional ties with her and she can no longer abuse ME. LONG STORY AND A LONG TIME COMING ( 10 years of escalating abuse from her ) .

She sat on my driveway and texted me a " hope you had a nice birthday" message....just that short, as she dropped off my GD.

My understanding is this, if she does NOT hear from me ever again in any way, shape or form, after groveling for the last 10 years, then there MIGHT  be SOME hope of hugging her again some day and hearing the words we long to hear, " I love you mom, ". But I have reached the conviction that I must stay strong. I must no longer grovel. At 67, never  too old to stop learning. I need to be set free once and for all. I have learned from my abusive oldest daughter, time to do this again. My son is good to me so that is a relief.

To nanaabby...your daughter sounds just like my bi polar daughter. I read a book on bipolar people and it helped me understand her to the point I can now function around her without setting her off. She needs me right now to babysit her 12 year old, so she minds her manners and she is fully aware I will not be there for her should she be evil to me again. IF however she were to get yet another man in her  life or a good paying job, she would try to abuse me all over again. My heart is hardened to her now, in that , I come first and I will not allow her to abuse me any more.  She knows it but I feel sorry for her affliction, and I can work within the perimeters of her disease. The book on bi polar behaviors helped me tremendously. Now my second daughter has abused me and both girls are typical of adult children of alcoholic fathers. Hating mom. I raised the whole family myself. All five of us, this is the thanks I Get but life is not " fair." But I am 67 and I finally am Learning how to disassociate myself from abuse. I have a wonderful husband, a loving son, a cute cat, a busy life,  and it is my girls loss to not have me in their lives. So be it. It is their choice. They lose ultimately.

I took myself back to the beach and caused my own suffering. I wrote long emails to my daughter, dumb me, but I learned something from my past once I let go of all my problems. My head and heart cleared and I saw my old behaviors coming back. I used to write long letters to my abusive ex husband, because I was so confused why he abused me, and I feared talking to him for fear of getting hurt...again...that lasted 20 plus years. He eventually ripped the notes up in front of me,adding insult to injury and here I was doing the same stupid behavior with my estranged daughter....but she just hits the delete button. Once I let go of all my troubles, I could see the faults in my behavior again, now I am set free. I refuse to go back and die on that beach again. I plan to ignore her the rest of my life if I know what's good for me. I will forgive in my heart and soul,I will be here to love her if she ever comes back to me but it will be on MY terms this time. If she does not come back, I will forage on and make my own life just fine. It has taken me ten years to get to this point of understanding and wisdom, a long time. But at least I've learned. This site is a blessing.

Glad i came back, I just had the trip of a lifetime with my DS who treated me like a queen. My husband encouraged me to go on this once in a lifetime trip. I asked my son, "why do the girls hate me so much?" and he said BECAUSE YOU SUCK AS A MOTHER, and we laughed the night away....it was wonderful and we goofed around and had the best time. He cried when we parted, saying we will set up a savings account so we can do it again and again.
Life is just so strange, but everyone who does love me tells me to just take care of myself, and enjoy the few years my husband and I probably have left. It is 5 am, I am feeling calmer, and just read the woman's comment on the birthday issues, and it helped me understand that I, too, will not be sending my cruel daughter anything anymore, I do feel better just protecting myself. We used to have a wonderful and fun filled relationship and she went downhill when I said something I probably should not have said when her evil father died. That was 10 years ago, and she is 39 now. But I was a wonderful mother, I now have a wonderful husband and a grandaughter who loves me, even if her mom does not. I will come back more often and not at 5 am. thank you all.
 

I am grateful for this site and have to learn how to navigate it and come back often.
My daughter and her husband have been cruel to me. I gave them my entire inherited property worth $200,00) + so they could have it forever, and all I asked for one one promise,that they would allow my son and other daughter one week a year to enjoy the lake. Well, they found every excuse in the book to ban my son, made up lies and when my DH and I were up there they made my life miserable yelling at me scowling etc. We bought them groceries, did chores and kept the place immaculate. My SIL admits his upbringing was hell, I was the sole provider of my 3 kids, with an abusive husband that I put up with for 20 years and I provided very well for the family .

I am remarried, to the most wonderful man. I have one son who loves me, my other daughter is bi-polar so with a GD so I walk on eggshells around her but manage just fine.

This DD and I have not spoken in 6.5 months. All she does is accuse me of things and berate me. I sent a letter to her Husband telling him how awful it was that he blocked us out of the promise he made.

To end this, I am saying,after the latest barrage of cruelties by my DD I removed her from all of my contacts. I told her it was over until she and her husband treated me with kindness and kept their original promise. I am done. My best friend told me that whenever my DD would be cruel to me and I would react, she would always make it look like my fault. I also had to put up with DD constant suicide threats for two years, I read how to help her, and all the sites to say to let her know you will BE THERE FOR HER, but she would shut me out, I just had to give up. When both she AND her husband came to me for help for their marriage, I did not take sides, I encouraged them to go to counselling then they turned on me something awful. I just have to give up. I read in a number of  posts here that some of you say to never give up. I find that only makes me sicker to my stomach holding on to the hope. I would rather blot them out of my life at this point and move on to find others to love and as I said, my DS and GD love me and treat me with the utmost kindness and respect. I need to come back to this blessing of a site more often. Thank you for reading.

Thank you for your comments. I told them both that I love them and wish them well. I said I was hurt.  It that I will heal and I hope they can mend their marriage. I invited my daughter to go to an art fair with me after Thanksgivng. More than likely she will not contact me. My conscience is clear.  if I do  see her again I plan to practice what you have all helped me with. Wish me luck I refuse to go back to the beach! But it hurts. I do weep from time to time wishing I had daughters that loved me. It's an old cliche but it is what it is.

Wow well said. I took care of my bi polar daughter when she had her  baby....took her breakfast in bed, she screamed at me and bolted from the house telling the father of her baby that I had abused her.

Notgiving up and Kay...I have the same thing. and like you too Notgivingup, I need to just concentrate on the good things in my life. I am sick and tired of my DD not getting back to me to do mom/D stuff...it is just too hard to keep getting the rejections and silent treatment so I am going to stop. If she wants me in her life in the future , I will be here, but I will no longer ask her to do things with me. The only time she ever was with me was when I was needed to dog sit or help her at an art show, otherwise, she would not get back to me but was livid when I unfriended her on facebook. Why not, she never commented once and I know she is ashamed of me for my name, and for things I say....but my friends are not. So, time to move onward, not much time left in life, so I can no longer wait for her to come to me, beg, and I must  use up my time wisely while I have some left. Hang in there, doing goood things for yourself helps, once you get over the sheer devastation of the dealing with the realities of this abandonment thing.I could not even go to the gym or pool last week, I felt so sick to my stomach, but today I am going back. I just needed to hole up for a week or so, but time to get my game on. You will too. Move out once you feel a little better.
Do something decadent for yourself, you will love it, and see how valuable life really is.