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Messages - themuffin

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1
Grandchildren / Re: Blindsided...
« on: April 04, 2016, 08:10:53 AM »
Good Morning Wise Women,

Sorry for the late response to your much needed supported and wise words.  Green Thumb, your words have helped me enormously.  I am trying very hard not to harbor resentment for her actions.  I don't know if she truly understands what she's doing.  She already has a daughter that has absolutely no contact with her paternal family because the father has denied her from day one.  She's young now and maybe not as affected by it as she grows older.  I hope that she'll remain happy and well adjusted despite her father's rejection. But it is clear that she wants a dad because in the short time that my son and her mother were together she called him dad.

I think of him often throughout the day and I am keeping a little diary about my feelings.  It helps a lot.  My son took off work last Friday and went over in an attempt to see his son.  He was not even allowed to see him and told that in order to do so "there are rules".  I asked him what they were but he said he didn't know and didn't care.  We haven't talked about it since.  I told him that he didn't have to abide by her rules that there were family courts and he has parental rights.  He brushed it off and we haven't discussed the baby since.  He doesn't like to talk about it.

Son has another 2 other daughters from a previous relationship.  One biological, one a daughter of the heart since the day she was born.  They spend every weekend with us .  They are three and four and ADORABLE!!!  We also have another 3 year old granddaughter from oldest son and she often comes by to visit on the weekend as well.  So we had no end of happy distractions.  However, he presence is still sorely missed.

Hi Pen!  Thanks for the welcome!  It's nice to be able to come here and feel like you've come home to friends.  This website helped me to continue to function and taught me to cope when I was having issues with oldest DS.  He's in the living room right now with our granddaughter. I'm off today and watching her when he goes to work later.  I am hopeful that time will help this situation as well.

Thanks Wise Women...I truly appreciate you.

2
Grandchildren / Re: Blindsided...
« on: March 30, 2016, 04:55:42 PM »
I don't even know how to thank you Green Thumb...You've no idea how much this tied me up in knots.  I was so torn with wondering how I should handle the situation should she contact us.  Your words were so full of wisdom and gave me so much comfort.  I now know how to handle the situation.  Thank you so much!

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Grandchildren / Blindsided...
« on: March 30, 2016, 09:11:01 AM »
Hello Wise Women!

I come back to visit every now and then.  Truth be told the DIL that caused me to find this site is now the daughter of my heart.  She gives me cards and long text messages expressing her love for me and my husband and how lucky her daughter is to have us as grandparents.  She doesn't say it everyday, just when it's needed...like last night.

I became a grandma for the fourth time over the weekend.  My first grandson.  He may have been born on Easter of the Saturday before and maybe a few days before that.  We don't know.  Not even my son, his dad.  They are no longer together, but had been communicating.  She and I had also been communicating and she promised to keep me update about the pending birth.  All was well between us.  We had a falling out last summer but it was water under the bridge and she was over a couple of weeks ago to see the gifts I'd gotten for the baby. She seemed pleased and grateful. 

So why did we find out he was born via a facebook post?  I kept asking son if he'd heard anything.  My last text to her went unanswered but that's not uncommon for her.  Sunday morning as I'm preparing Easter dinner for my family and guest he comes down and tells me that my grandson was born.  I asked when.  He said she posted his picture on facebook seven hours ago.  She did not contact us at all.  My son was hurt, but masked it with anger.  He must have texted her because shortly after he was blocked from her page.

I texted her congratulations.  I asked her his name, weight and height and told him that he looked just like his dad and it brought back memories.  She responded pleasantly.  I didn't think she had an issue with me and just assumed her problem was with my son.  I asked if she could please tell me his birthday and never received a reply.  I went to view his picture on her page again and discovered that I was now blocked!

My son has said he doesn't have a son.  I been able to view other pictures on her page and I sent one to son.  He asked me to please not send anymore.  I have not attempted to contact her since Sunday.  I did text her that she would have to explain this to the baby someday and that we loved him.  Well, that was Sunday and Son nor I have heard a thing.

I've started a diary for him.  I hope this blows over and maybe someday we can have a relationship with him.  But truth be told I'm furious that she would use the baby as a pawn to hurt my son.  I look at his pictures repeatedly. My arms long to hold him.  I haven't seen his eyes, his tiny fingers or toes.  How can anyone be so heartless?

Thanks. I just needed to share.


4
Thanks guys.  I really needed to hear from some wise women!  I completely agree with everything that was said.  I told hubby that he would need to talk to him because that can never happen again.

Thanks again and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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Hi all!!!

Thanks so much for the advice!!!  :)  It's so nice to be remembered. Hugs to you luise.volta for this amazing site.

Hi Bamboo2 - Son is 26 years old and still lives with us because he simply cannot afford to live on his own.  He contributes $360 a month but that's all inclusive.  He gets cable, wifi, food, gas, electric, heat, air conditioning in the summer and use of everything we own from our 3D tv to the pool.  Why is he still there?  Because hubby and I are push overs.

I agree with you Luise. This isn't the first time he's flexed his muscles in my home.  Another time my youngest son and his girlfriend and I were spending time together. We were laughing and playing music videos...again comes the knock at the door asking us to turn it down because he's trying to sleep.  We did. Another time he complained because an older and ailing cat was urinating in front of his bedroom door.  I defended my furbaby and told him if it bothered him so much he could leave.  He didn't speak to me for a week. 

Bamboo2- I think you are right.  We need to have the "I love you too much" talk.  I didn't leave home at 19 to walk around on eggshells in my own house.  He's truly a good son, but we can no longer co-exist.  My only concern is I can't imagine where he can afford to live on his income in today's economy. 

Thanks for the kind words!

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Hey guys,

It's been a long while since I've been a part of these boards. The support and advice I received from you wonderful people helped me to cope during one of the hardest times of my adult life. 

I doubt anyone remembers me but I was alienated from my eldest son and his the soon to be mother of his child.  She had made it very clear that she never wanted to be friends and we'd never be close.  My son supported her but he did eventually work on healing our relationship.  Well, their daughter is now three years old and the apple of my eye and guess what??? Her mother and I are very close.  We have bonded deeply and show each other nothing but love and support.  She has written me texts and cards that have made me cry.  I call her the daughter of my heart.  So yes, it can get better!

Anyhoo...here for a different son.  Middle son and I have a decent relationship and I'm very proud of him.  He has his ways but I usually just let it slide.  However, on Xmas eve my hubby and I were having a heated argument in our home.  Nothing violent, but voices (well, my voice) was raised and yes, it was late.  Hubby and I rarely ever argue so this is not normal.  Middle son knocks on the door in the middle of heated discussion and tells us that he's trying to sleep and I am being inconsiderate because he has to get up at 3 am. 

Can someone please tell me if I'm crazy to think that I shouldn't have to ask my adult son permission to have an argument with my own husband in my own house?  We were discussing something very important and we never got a chance to address it because son interrupted.  It may very well get loud again if we talk about it.  Perhaps I should ask my son if it's ok with him if his father and I talk about it a week from Thursday at 6 pm?  I don't think so!!

Any advice?  I'm willing to accept all opinions.

Thanks so much!


7
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Older, Wiser, and still here...
« on: January 15, 2014, 08:09:27 PM »
I found myself thinking about this site because I may be on the verge of losing my relationship with another son.  I came here a few years ago when I lost my relationship with with my oldest DS which was destroyed by FDIL.  Well, she tried all she could to destroy me.  Even tried to have the dog killed.  Yep, called animal control and said he bit her.  Fudge is a cocker spaniel and hates her and probably would have bitten her if he could have but he didn't.  She just did it to try to hurt me.  Luckily nothing came of it as the officer saw it for what it was. 

Anyhoo...believe it or not the relationship with that DS repaired itself.  The granddaughter I thought I would never see, I see almost every weekend. And she adores me just as much as I adore her.

My issue is now with the FDIL that I once adored.  I opened my home to her three times. Each time is worst.  She is the mother of two of my precious granddaughters.  One biological, one loved just the same as the other.  She and my son are no longer "together".  He treated her two shades of awful and now wonders why she hates him.  I know why.  So she lives here instead of her only other option (a shelter) and it's so obvious she doesn't want to be here.  She does many things that annoy me or simply shows that she has no respect for my home, buy mostly I hold it in and deal with it.  If it gets really bad I ask DS to talk to her.  I found out that she doesn't understand why I don't tell her myself.  Silly me thought it may be easier coming from him as I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. 

Truth is she is destroying my home. She doesn't contribute one red cent.  She allows the babies to do as they please.  I'm watching my once beautiful home became a dump.  I made a room in my home into a lovely nursery.  I'll clean it, she'll let them mess it up. They are only one and two and half years old.  Hardly old enough to clean up after themselves.  She cleans nothing.  My rule was that we all clean up after ourselves and all should be well.  Well, she doesn't do anything.  The lovely guest room I gave to her and my son is destroyed. It is a mess!!!  I hate the site of it.  He blames her she blames him.  My water bill has gone from $400 to $600.  My electric bill is over the moon.  She doesn't work.  She'll leave my home a mess and go hang out with friends.  And this is a mess SHE made. I hate to say this but I'M SICK OF HER AND WANT HER OUT!!!!

I love the babies, they have no where else to go.  How can any grandma send her darling grands to a shelter?  I don't know what to do.  She is using us and it's so obvious. The first time she moved out was on my 25th wedding anniversary without any warning. Totally ruined the day.  She treated me as if I never did anything for her.  She has no respect for my home or me.  She'll walk into our home and not even speak. Same when she leaves.  She rarely locks my front doors and we live in New York, not paradise. We've asked her to lock them repeatedly.

Long story short...we have had it.  Asking her to leave will most likely end our relationship.  Son will resent it as well.  I'm torn.  What do I do?  I did talk to her myself and I hope this resolves it, but I've spoken to her before and it didn't last long.

Do I send my babies to a shelter, or do I put her with her?

Thanks!

P.S.  I think the reason me and oldest DS (the reason I found this site) made peace is because I didn't push it.  I just left it alone and he found his way home.  I don't think that always works, but I did find that the harder I pushed the more he pushed away.  When I let go he found his way back to me.  We aren't close, but we are close enough. I have a relationship with a granddaughter I thought I'd never see.  Keep hope alive, everyone.  God is good!

Hugs Wise Women!!!

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: the final slap in the face
« on: September 11, 2012, 11:13:19 AM »
So sorry Kate.   :(  But may I say that I'm soooo proud of you!!!  What you did was strong, and positive and actually a major step in the right direction.  You cut the puppet strings and set yourself free.  You knew the consequences, although I know you had hoped in your heart of hearts that you would be wrong.  It hurts.  But remember you did NOTHING wrong.  You posted that his brother is going to be a father!!!!   ;D ;D  That is wonderful news and you should be allowed to share it.

Don't think you did anything to deserve this.  So many of us here have thought the same, but thanks to this WONDERFUL sight we know better! We have also been taught by Dearest Luise that you cannot make sense of the senseless.

You have a loving DH and a elder son and stepdaughter that love you... and there is a baby on the way! ;D  Live life free of the eggshells and enjoy those around you!  ;D

Sending hugs!

9
Welcome Lost My Faith....

My heart ached for you as I read your story.  I have no idea what your son's childhood was like, but I have never met a perfect parent, nor am I one.  As you mentioned, many of us have had less than ideal childhoods and have not turned out the way your son has.  Heck, some have had truly wonderful childhoods and have turned out the way your son has.  There is just no way to know why our children turn out the way they do.  I have three sons and I loved and raised them all the same.  Two remember being happy and loved, one doesn't has totally different memories. Go figure.  You can't make sense of the senseless. I learned that gem from Luise. ;)  Sometimes our children are who they are no matter how we've raised them, so please don't blame yourself.  And if by chance there were some things that you feel may have molded him into the person he is...well, all you can do is apologize and move forward.

Your DS sounds like he's on a path of self destruction and until he wants help there is nothing you can do.The best thing you can do for your son is to take care of yourself and be strong so that if someday he decides he needs you, you can be there for him.  I know you are in pain.  No mother ever imagines that her child would ever cause her pain or injury.  And no mother wants to see her child live the lifestyle which you've described of your son.   I'm so sorry that you are going thru this.

I have a sister who used to be a substance abuser.  She was also abusive to our mother.  Not only were we raised the same and both loved, I would have to say she was favored.  But to hear her tell it our mother was terrible! Her words and her actions have affected my mother in so many ways.  It robbed her of happiness in the years where she should have been most happy.  It affected her health.  She had no peace, no joy.  She was an enabler for a long, long time.  Finally she said "Enough!".  It was only then that my sister began to change.  It was only then that my mother began to find peace.

I wish the same for you....

Hugs

10
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Loss of a loved one
« on: August 03, 2012, 08:01:10 AM »
))))))))Hugs(((((((( Luise....

 :( :(  I don't even know what to reply to that heartfelt response.    :( :(  I visualized the entire scene as you described it and I can only imagine the emotion that guided you to do all that for "Me, too".  13 years is a blessing, but yet not long enough.  I'm so glad you shared that as it helps me with what I must do.  I had a picture of him on my desk at work, I had to remove it.  I have not moved any of this things, not his bed, food dish or treats.  When I picked him up they gave him to me in a small cardborad box that something else had been shipped in.  When I got in the car I opened that box with trembling hands.  There he was.  God was good.  He was cool to the touch but he was not stiff.  His face was kinda tucked under his paw and I didn't look at it...I couldn't.  I stroked his fur, told him I loved him and removed the black collar that he's worn for the last five years.  That collar is still in the car.  I cannot look at it.  I feel a little better some days, but not good.  I'm actually feeling ill, but I'm sure it's just the stress of all of this.

I've been depressed and yesterday I came home to a nice suprise.  YDS and FDIL #2 had cleaned up the house.  FDIL #2 said she thought it would cheer me up and she didn't like to see me sad.  It did cheer me up and the gesture alone truly touched my heart.

Luise, do you believe our babies are at the Rainbow Bridge?  I need to believe that....I really do.

Sending love to you, "Me, Too" and Monster

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Loss of a loved one
« on: August 02, 2012, 01:26:10 PM »
Thank you, Luise...for everything...

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Loss of a loved one
« on: August 02, 2012, 01:09:52 PM »
Awwww.....Thanks Pooh...It was nice of you to seperate the two threads. :)  I really appreciate you! ;D

Dearest LL...Two furbabies in one year.... :( It seems unbearable.  You were right about it being hankie time. So sorry about your dog.  Fudge is our first dog ever and we know he's a dog but we consider him a hairy five year old boy. A part of me wishes we never got him because I don't know how I'm going to cope when that time comes.  :(

The part about your cat really got the tears flowing. Monster was only 10 and died shortly after a dental cleaning. The very next day after the cleaning he had a temp of 105.5.  I took him back to the vet and he said he'd keep him for a couple of days give him an antibiotic and fluids.  It never crossed my mind that he would die...And it certainly never crossed my mind that he would die alone, in a cage in a unfamilar place.  I'm so glad that you got to say goodbye.....I didn't get that chance.  They found him dead the next morning.  I was the only mommy he knew and I can't help but wonder what he was thinking as he slipped away. Did he wonder where I was? It hurts me that he died, but it hurts even more that he died alone.  I'm riddled with guilt about that. Yet, I know I had no way of knowing.

Thank you for the sloppy kisses...sending you sloppy kisses and hugs as well....

This seems so off topic for this forum. I'm sorry....Please feel free to move it or close it.  Thanks to all of you wonderful and compassionate women.  You've no idea how much help you've given me since I found this place.

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Grandchildren / Re: What's wrong with me...not thrilled being a grandma
« on: August 02, 2012, 10:23:28 AM »
I never was interested in being a grandmother. Nice kids…who grew up to be marvelous men. I don't think we're  all stamped out of the same mold…and that's OK with me. My elder DS and my DIL asked if I would take them if something happened to them, and I said no way. It's OK in my family to be how you are…which is lucky!  ;)

OMG!!!!  This tickled me silly!!!!  "And I said no way".  LOL ;D ;D ;D  That's the first time I've laughed since my kitty went over the bridge! THANKS!!!

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LOL, SCW...I kinda agree with you there.  When DS, FDIL and GD came by to visit she kept cooing at the baby and calling her "momma".  I didn't find it creepy, it just didn't suit her at all IMHO.  But that's her mommy and she can call her whatever she likes.  She looked more like a Muffin to me. ;D

And, no...I wouldn't want my baby to call any one mommy but me.  That's my title and it's a very special one.  However, I wouldn't have said anything to MIL.  But I'm sure my hubby would have done the same as yours. 

I'm 42 years old and I have two grand daughters and I'm proud to say "Come to Grandma!" ;D

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Loss of a loved one
« on: August 02, 2012, 09:49:55 AM »
Thank you WW.  I can't even express how it feels to read your words of support regarding my furbaby.  It feels like a hug..

Luise, I remember when you shared with us the loss of your baby.  I remember looking down at Fudge, my cocker spaniel and wondering how I would be able to cope with the pain I knew you were feeling, when he goes over the bridge. I can't even think about it.

Doe, your story touched my heart and gave me chills and hope at the same time.  I'd like to think of Monster as being happy at the Rainbow Bridge.  Thanks for sharing that.

Dear Pooh, you are so right about them being family members.  I thought of him as a son, a little small furry son that I adopted at birth.  I knew he would someday leave me, but this was so sudden. Thanks for the kind words.

Hello SCW, so sorry that you had to say goodbye to Gizmo (love that name!).  Seven years...that's a long time. However, I suppose we will always grieve them.  It is so true that they are wonderful blessings.  They sense when we need them.  Monster was a hugging cat.  He literally would jump on your lap and wrap his front legs around your neck.   My mother never understood what I meant until he gave her one! He was so special.  I have pictures and his collar, but I'm not yet able to look at them.

My family has been a great comfort to me.  This is the closest I've felt to DS and FDIL in a very long time.  DS stopped by last night and hugged me at least three times.  I know I'm very blessed, but I miss that little Monster!

Thanks again Ladies....I really needed those kind words. 

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