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Messages - Lillycache

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1
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Need advice: My D is the DIL
« on: December 02, 2015, 05:46:31 AM »
I agree that the Paternal GM is being  ridiculous over this entire thing.. particularly since the one week request was meant for both sets of grandparents.  It's not like the maternal GM was given unlimited access and the other wasn't..  I agree with the OP.. the request was unusual, but to each his own.  It should have been respected.   On the other hand, I hardly think that having grandparents see the baby immediately is going to put both the mothers and the baby's life at risk.. that is just over the top, and a bit dramatic.    If that were the case, there wouldn't be very many moms and babies surviving.. as most people let the GPs see the baby in the hospital or as soon as they come home.     

2
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Time for an update
« on: December 01, 2015, 08:01:26 AM »
I posted this in this section on December 12th 2014 in the thread "I knew it would come to this"

Quote
Friends... I need encouragement.   I am not going to write a book..  I'm going to give you a few sentences.. It will suffice.

As some of you know, I have an adult son, age 45 that has lived with my husband and I since he got out of the military 10 years ago.   He is an alcoholic.  He can barely keep himself clean or keep up his room, or continue to hold a part time job.  Which he does.. but to buy booze.   I had to have him physically removed from my home last Sunday as he was out of control.   He currently is in a VA facility.  This is his 2nd stay at rehab this year.   I have told him he cannot return to my home..  I am petrified what will happen to him... I am sad.... I am sick to my stomach and to my heart.  Did I do the right thing?   How do I stay strong.. ??    He is begging to come home..  I just cannot have him here... but I cannot let him die in the streets..   He is a wonderful person.. sober.. but not when he is drunk..  I cannot chance it.  but I need strength.


It's almost a year to the day... and what a difference a year makes.  My son has gone through the program at the VA.  Lived this last year in a homeless veterans shelter and concentrated on staying sober.  He will have one year of sobriety on December 7th.. just six days from today.   Since then:

He has found a good job with the help of the VA counselors

Put some money away

Found a nice apartment and is now living on his own

I would have never thought it possible one year ago.  Of course I am still cautiously optimistic and know that trouble is only one drink away.  So I encourage him to continue to be active in AA.. and to continue to stay sober.  The rest is now up to him.

3
Grab Bag / Re: So Trivial to me now..
« on: September 18, 2015, 03:57:40 PM »
 Actually, we have received hopeful news.  Genetic testing of my husband's cancer has shown it to be a non-aggressive form of Prostate adenocarcinoma..    We are currently enrolling in Active Surveillance with testing and exams every three months..   Keeping our hopes up for good results in November

4
I never expected to be in the delivery room either.. nor did I even want to be.  DILs mother wasn't in there either.   I think the OP just wanted to go to the hospital but wasn't called.

5
Actually.. those of us who have given birth to only sons are pretty clear on how they came out and where they came out of being that we have the very same body parts.  What I was trying to convey to those that have not experienced being left out of your grandchild's birth was that the disappointment and slight of not being included still hurts... and it hurts very badly.   To most of us it came as a surprise that we were NOT allowed to be as much a part of the process as the DILs mom.   I am not trying to minimize the feelings of the DIL as we have all given birth and understand the process and the emotions.  I am only trying to explain that understanding is one thing... but it does not make  feeling of being "less" than the grandmother any less hurtful. 

6
I do understand that it hurts.  I didn't mean to give the impression that I didn't understand that.  I was just trying to suggest that it might not hurt as much if you don't take it personally.  It's my opinion that childbirth is mostly about the mother and what she needs.  It is about her.  But it's not fair to cut the MIL out of the children's lives just because you don't like her or don't feel comfortable, unless of course there is a concern for the child's wellbeing. It doesn't sound like any of the MILs here have been cut out because of concern of the child's wellbeing and I understand that is not fair.

There is nothing more personal than when your child has a child... It's something nearly every woman looks forward to.   Whether it's your son or your daughter... The feelings are the same.   To NOT take it personal would be completely impossible...  Telling someone who is hurting over this cannot be told to "not take it personal"..    The whole situation is unfair... and to put it bluntly.... it sucks..    But what we are telling others who are going through this is to accept what is.. and build a life that makes you happy..  Acceptance is difficult.. but in the end is the only thing that works.   

7
I think what you are not understanding is the K was denied the same experience of being there for the birth that the DILs mother was..   Normal or not... Natural or not... It hurts..  We mothers of boys expect to have the same experiences in becoming a grandmother that mothers of girls have...  9 times out of 10 we are not allowed to.. It hurts... it's NOT fair... but we have to learn to live with that and accept what we are given..  AND that is very hard..

8
Welcome K....  I'm the designated "not the real grandmother"..   That came about when my 4 y/o grandson was trying to tell me about something that happened at my DILs mother's house..  "You know... my REAL Grandma's house" was what he said.  Oh boy... did that hurt.. but I had to step back and realize that this is exactly how a 4 year old would express himself,  especially since he gets to see his mother's mom so much more..   I see my grandkids about 4 or 5 times a year.. and I consider that pretty good.   7 times in 5 months is really great.. 

K....  it's a matter of acceptance as others have said.  Stop focusing on what is fair.. and how things should be.. focus on how things are.   Remember.. our grown children do not have an obligation to meet our expectations.  It takes a lot of time to accept that.   Focus on what you have.. and what things make you happy.  That is all any of us can do.

9
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Who can say?
« on: August 20, 2015, 04:47:53 PM »
Love3...   Not one of us needs to be lectured by YOU..   You said you were leaving... Now go..    Hopefully Louise will step in and remove your posts..   This is NOT what this site is about.. 

10
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Who can say?
« on: August 20, 2015, 06:00:31 AM »
I think we all should take the opportunity to again be thankful for Louise and her providing us a safe place to vent and discuss our issues.  This if anything should remind us all of WHY this forum was created and why it was necessary.

11
Grab Bag / So Trivial to me now..
« on: August 13, 2015, 05:48:34 AM »
My husband was just diagnosed with Cancer.    We are keeping positive and feel we are in good hands with his doctors and our treatment plan..   But.. now as I sit here thinking of all the time I wasted being angry and hurt and stewing over what my DIL and DS did or didn't do.. or what they said, or implied,   I feel a little foolish.    All wasted time when I should have been devoting myself to my husband and to our marriage..  Only that was important...  only that did I really have control over.   Now.. even control over that is out of my hands and up to God and medical care.   I do know one thing,  I am going to make the most of every second we have together.. for as long or as short of a time we do.   NO MORE WASTING emotion on those who simply don't care, and who I have learned to care less about.  No more rehashing old slights or caring about how things SHOULD have been but weren't.   It's only the present we really have isn't it?    So we should make the most of it.   

12
I firmly believe it's in the female DNA to be competitive and distrustful of other females.   This IMO has been inbred throughout the ages...  It started out as competition for resources for survival, and for the survival of offspring.  That main resource was Men.   Women needed men to hunt, and to provide protection for them and their kids.  The strongest and best providers were sought and competed for.    Well... we don't need that any longer, however, the old instinct to compete against other females has not dissipated.  Feelings of insecurity and distrust still exist between women... especially when it comes to family dynamics.  The DIL is jealous of the MIL and her status with her husband..  The MIL sees the DIL as wanting her step out of the picture.  That does NOT go over very well.. and the problems start.   

13
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Who can say?
« on: July 17, 2015, 05:49:44 AM »
I certainly can say all those things...

14
Still learning, the anger problems came from traumatic times and events  in his/our  childhood,  and it escalated into him being a selfish and uncaring person. My parents have done their mistakes to contribute definitely!  BUT  they were always good people, always. As for the person he became,  that was not my parents fault he choose his path.

I'm sure you all get the picture alittle more,  now, hopefully!  Thank you all oh so much for listening I love hearing all your opinions and thoughts !

  Are you sure your traumatic times and events in your childhood have not colored your opinions of your husbands mother and your reaction to her?   You may want to take a look at that and do a little analyzing.  As Stillearning said.. good luck to you..  I wish you the best in resolving your issues. 

15
lovely story Louise..  and yes.. we all "Know" exactly what we will do and how we will accomplish our dreams.  We all go into marriage and motherhood with all the answers.   We will be the best this and the best that..  We will not make the same mistakes our parents did.   We will be able to handle any situation because we are young, invincible, and most of all "in love".   Then years go by and we learn.. we did not have all the answers.. and that husbands and children, and inlaws are people..  People with their own minds, and feelings and desires, which may or many not align with our expectations.  As we always say here... our expectations are ours alone.. and no one has the obligation to meet them..  I think that is the hardest lesson of all.. and it comes after many years of experience. 

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