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My mother died last week.  She had dementia for many years, so it's been a strange period of waiting for the inevitable to occur.  Her death has left me with a feeling of unfinished business.  I was the youngest of five children and have always known I was unplanned and unwanted.  I felt as if I was a ghost for much of my childhood, not noticed or loved.  Now I don't know how to feel.  I've cried, but not really for my mother - more for what might have been, but wasn't. 

My father died nearly 20 years ago and I didn't mourn him either.  He actively disliked me and I was the frequent recipient of beatings. 

I met my husband after my father died, and after my mother developed dementia.  I drew a line uder that period and wove a fantasy for him (and others) of what my life was like with them, probably due to the abusive marriage I'd just escaped and the fact that I didn't want to be the pathetic person that nobody had ever cared for.  It seemed harmless at the time, but now I can't express my mixed feelings about it all to anyone because they all think I'm grieving for my mother.

I don't know what to feel.  I'm actually quite depressed.  I'm thinking of getting counselling, but I dread opening the can of worms that was my childhood. 

Any advice gratefully received. 

Amber, I am so sorry you are going through this.  All I can say is that you are not alone, so many of us have the same experience and know how difficult it is to live through.  Look after yourself.  Spoil yourself as much as you are able.  Focus on and value yourself - you deserve to be happy.  Make a conscious decision to be happy ad to let go of the past.  It will improve in time - not necessarily the situation (that's out of your hands) but the way it affects you.  I've been there, I have survived it and life is actually pretty good. 

It is very difficult when you childs spouse doesn't want you around, and even more so when your child won't defend you. You have spent a lifetime caring for others. It's time to get just a little selfish and care for yourself.  It won't change their attitude, but you may come to value yourself more, and be less inclined to put up with their nonsense. Good luck.

R, welcome,  I hope you find some comfort here. I know how hurtful it is when you done your absolute best and been rejected.  The only advice I can offer is to take care of yourself and allow yourself to love those who do truly love you. It is all too easy to withdraw into yourself to avoid more pain.   You can't  control how others see things, but you can control its impact on you to some extent.

Try to to work on living the best life you can. Take up a hobby. I can recommend digital photography as an accessible and absorbing pursuit.  The fuller your life is, the less room there is for pain. I can't say that it goes away entirely,  but it does become much more bearable as time goes by.

I have a theory that the origin of the human compulsion to acquire stuff is deep in our genes. If you think of the distant past, all the things we needed to survive were hard to get/make, so we continually had to look for more to replace what we ate, what wore out etc.  The trouble is, like fat and sugar in our diet, 'stuff' is now quite easy to get, so we overdose on it.

Another hour sorting clothes today, couldn't do more as we have stupid temperatures over the last few days (36 celsius - 97 fahrenheit) and the bedroom has no aircon.  My drawers now close easily,  my closet is no longer bursting at the seams!

Will have to revisit in a couple of weeks as I suspect there is more that needs to go, I cannot express how much better our bedroom feels now.

Next mission is to deal with the compulsive shopping. Thinking I need to think of grandson. He will be a year old in a couple of weeks and loves his swimming lessons.  I think that is a good thing to commit to for the next 12 months.

Well I have made a start.

Decision 1 - does it fit? If yes, back into the closet it goes. If not...
Decision 2 - will I honestly wear it if I lose sufficient weight to get into it? If yes, into the blanket box it goes. If not...
Decision 3 - is it suitable for crafting? If yes, into a box for crafts. If not...
Decision 4 - is it suitable for the thrift store? If yes, into a bag for transportation.  If not, into the bin!

After a couple of hours work things have improved already. Will do more tomorrow.

I am happy with our furniture,  I have sourced lots of antique and second hand furniture which I refurbish and we love, and which works very well for us.  When we got together we both had very little furniture,  and almost all of what we had was other peoples cast offs, and not terribly good cast offs either, so furnishing our home has been the work of years to find the right pieces at the right price.

We have lots of kitchenware, china and glassware,  but again that is fine as we like to entertain,  and it all gets used.

It is all the consumables,  like clothing and accessories where I have run amok.  It is like an addiction. Now that I think about it, the explosion in my closet occurred when I had finished finding all the furniture we wanted.

Maybe I could hire myself out as a personal shopper? That way shopping would be a chore instead of a recreation.

Louise, your discipline is amazing.

I wonder if part of my problem is that having been very cash strapped most of my life and now having a bit more leeway in my finances I find it very hard to resist a bargain,  and even harder to part with something that I just know I will use some day. I know that it is silly and wasteful to buy all this stuff.

Handbags, how many handbags can one seriously use?  I have about a dozen all bought for a song and all good quality,  but a dozen! and yarn, boxes of it. I have so much yarn that i had to buy an antique bed (they are higher than modern beds) for the spare room to put the boxes under. I am making a concerted effort to use it up, but it is a huge effort not to go to the yarn store for more.  Our little house is fit to burst with all this stuff. 

Occasionally my obsession is useful in that I bought a bargain priced ($60!) designer silk dress and was able to give it to a friend for her sons wedding.  She looked fabulous in it.

Hi CP, those are great suggestions.  I particularly like the idea of shoes for kids.

Department stores are a big contributor to my shoe problem, and I do try to avoid them, but directly below my workplace is a discount shoe store!  Directly opposite is a charity shop which I visit regularly.  I have to walk past both of them in order to take my lunch time walk. I think I will have to try to stick to a 'one in, one out' policy, or more realistically,  a 'one in, three out' policy for a while.

Maybe I can buy school shoes and donate them to the charity shop - so long as they go to those who need them rather than those like me who just drop in looking for a bargain.

Thank you Louise.  I  have made such efforts to find inner peace and it is quite confronting to see so clearly the evidence of how much turmoil I am still experiencing.  On the surface I feel pretty good most of the time. I try to channel those mothers whose children emigrated and who lived their lives assuming that they were OK.  I am generally happy, but that sneaky maternal instinct is very persistent.

I shall have to keep working at it.  And maybe not buy that fabulous bargain watch that is 85% off retail price.

This is probably a weird post, but have been home from work for a few days and decided to organize my shoes as they are always such a cluttered mess. 

Well, discovered that I have waaay too many shoes, and that I have several sets of multiple pairs of nearly identical shoes, most of which are unworn. 

Not only that, but my  closet is also overflowing with clothes I either can't get into, or rarely wear.

Now, I'm guessing that this is a symptom of trying to fill up the gaping hole in my life that the loss of my son and granddaughter has left, but it can't go on! 

Has anyone else faced this addiction?   i know that acknowledging the problem is a start, but how did you move forward in organizing and stopping the urge to buy things you don't need?

Hope you are feeling better soon Louise.

Brilliant plan CP! It is good to hear that you have a plan of action. Kindness and appreciation towards others is a great way to bring positivity into your life. 

Thank you! I had a truly lovely visit with GS.

Unfortunately it was marred by the news that ES and DILs marriage is under some stress. There are number of reasons, cultural differences, communication issues and not least their very active son who is constantly on the go and doesn't sleep much.

They are seeing a counsellor next week, but things are fraught at the moment. I think they both need to take a deep breath and listen to each other.

I am so sad for them and for a couple of days have had the old anxiety attacks,  a legacy of my dysfunctional past which really is an unwanted gift that just keeps on giving.

Just when you think you have got it all together....