March 29, 2024, 01:21:13 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Therese

1
Bella, if you read through the many, many posts on this site about sons,  daughters, sons-in-law and daughters-in-law, you would realize how incredibly blessed you are to have a son-in-law who loses his temper and then apologizes by sending flowers. I would give anything if my son would do that. People lose their temper. They say things they don't mean. It happens by and to all of us. The fact that they got a poodle instead of what he would have liked--that says that you do indeed matter to them and you are very, very fortunate. Now spend a half hour reading some other posts here.
2
Wow! I second everything Luise just wrote. Those thoughts have often been my own, especially the part where we were not "front and center" of our parents' lives. Honestly, if I had it to do over I would pay far less attention to my childrens' needs and wants, not out of selfishness but out of the realization that I was not helping them by making everything easy for them. I do agree that this is a cultural and generational thing. I'll never, ever forget the principal of my kids' middle school saying as the school year got underway, "We want to make it possible for everyone to make the honor roll." And, believe me, they were not planning to make that possible through hard work and discipline but through lowering the bar. So it wasn't just you and me; it was the whole outside "support" system that collapsed and is still collapsing. We raised our children in the self esteem-is-everything generation. .
3
Thanks, Bamboo2. My son has stopped texting me. But I have not seen this as a respect issue until recently, perhaps because I didn't feel that I had the right to demand it for some reason after,he became an adult. We did, of course, demand respect when our two kids were growing up. Should he write the same things again, though, I would handle it differently. I think that he has a mental issue such as manic depression or some sort of personality disorder so I've let him get away with telling me off. It is no use to suggest psycholical help to him as he is convinced that he is just fine. His big issue is that I should have respected his wish to go to a Technical school after high school 20 years ago and insisted that he go to college instead, ignoring--he says--his God given mechanical ability. We paid his full tuition at a private university, but he wishes that we had been poor so that he could have made his own decisions. I was guided by the experience of people who could have gone to college, did not go,and later regretted it. Or by people who blame their parents for not making them go to college. Sometimes I think we tried too hard to be good parents.
4
Thank you so much. I am wondering what would be the best search word to find more of these threads. I have read quite a lot on the one that says "my son blames me" but those were from 2012. I am still learning how to use this marvelous website and forum which have been very therapeutic for me.
5
There is an old topic called "my adult sons blames me" or something similar, and I wanted to start a new and similar conversation. We are estranged from our adult son who blames us for not recognizing his "God given talent" as a mechanic and made him go to college instead. At any point he was free to pursue a career as a mechanic or something similar but has not chosen to do so. He has a career as a manufacturing engineer, but that does not require working with his hands. At any rate, he blames me for everything bad in his life, and texts some of the ugliest, most hurtful things to me. Has anyone who has experienced estrangement from a son also managed to reconnect at any point and resume a normal relationship?