Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - raindrops_on_my_soul

Pages: [1] 2 3
1
Another Thanksgiving gone and I couldn't be happier about it. I already pretty much knew how it would go and I was right, only it was worse. My son and his girlfriend and her two kids showed up empty handed as usual. I did supper because her family comes first, which I already know. They came an hour late, even though I had clarified what time the food would be served. Not apologetic for it at all, in their minds no big deal. So I had tried keeping the food warm for awhile and gave up and put the food away, so it was semi cold when they arrived. This of course delayed me getting the dishes done, which I also did with no offer of help from them. The kids acted horribly. The nine year old girl complained about needing to leave to get back to her grandparents house because she was spending the night there and as she said, didn't want to keep her grandpa waiting. She had spent the entire week over there and was already complaining within an hour of being at our house. At one point she was curled up on the floor in the fetal position whining that we didn't have enough for her to do here. So I asked her what she would do when she got to her grandparents house. She proceeded to tell me she was going to use her tablet. Go figure! Kids don't enjoy anything these days unless it involves a screen in their face. The three year old boy kicked our bedroom doors that I had closed in an attempt to get in. He threw fits every time he didn't get his way, even hitting me on the legs at one point and yelling no at me. He walked all over our coffee table and yanked at the mini blinds in our windows so hard they nearly fell to the floor. All with no correction from either their mom or my son. They saw it as funny. And I could tell, they didn't really want to be here. I think it was a sort of "pity" visit, as my husband would call it. He is right. And really, we don't need pity visits. We have been good to them all, and are just disgusted with them. Her family comes first of course, they always do. But they like keeping me on the hook in case they need something. That is when they remember me. I swear if I never hosted another holiday as long as I live I would be overjoyed about it. What I already knew was only spotlighted by it.

2
Whether your granddaughter has you blocked, or is getting your messages and ignoring you.....it appears that she has made a choice. Actions always tell us what we need to know. For me personally, even though giving up was hard, it was much harder to continue pursuing something that was obviously important to only me. I no longer try to involve myself with people that don't appreciate me and don't value me as a person. Backing away gave me the chance to heal, and with healing I gained different perspectives. Also, I think doing things differently and throwing people a curve ball once in awhile is a good thing to do. For me, I feel much more at peace this way.

3
A mother can't pick up an adult child and carry him/her through adulthood. Adult children have to make choices and learn from them...or not. Luise, this couldn't be more true and it really touched home with me. Thank you for your words of wisdom sweet lady, and everything you do here  :)

4
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Status quo must go
« on: July 23, 2017, 03:39:51 PM »
Today I wanted to write about something that I was thinking about earlier. Our kids seem to think we should be on the hook for them for the rest of our lives, always there ready to step in and help every time they need us to. They think we should listen when they need us to, loan money when they need us to, give them a place to stay if they need us to, give gifts for every occasion, and it goes on and on. Yet they don't feel they should do the smallest of things to give back. They don't think they should answer calls or texts, let alone initiate either of those. They don't think they should give gifts, a listening ear, a genuine thank you, or any considerate act of kindness whatsoever. Do they not realize they endanger our relationships with them with this kind of attitude, or just plain don't care? Is the only thing they care about is keeping us on the hook so they have someone to fall back on in hard times, only to neglect us when things are going good for them? And another thing that's been on my mind, and I've seen it many times, is how our adult children will seek out and stick to the ones that treated them the worst, while ignoring and forgetting those of us that did the most. I certainly never meant to send the message that neglect was ok with me by being what I thought was a good person. I would like to send out a new message that says, you know what, this isn't ok with me and I won't tolerate being taken advantage of anymore. Since a conversation won't yield the desired effect, I will have to come up with more creative ways of getting this message across.

5
From my experience with things like this, talking and trying to explain your feelings and ideas to people who don't want to hear them only backfires. The other parties involved would first have to meet you halfway and be willing to make compromises. Instead, at least from what I have seen, is that they are only going to be defensive, argumentative, angry, and looking for a fight. Few have any real clarity anymore and unfortunately you can't force anyone to see things as they actually are. It's not a fair situation and I wish things were different. You could certainly give this a try and see what happens but my experience tells me nothing will be gained by it. In my case, I have decided to stop pursuing relationships where I am the only interested party. I will not put myself in that position anymore. I have grown tired of always being available for people who are never available for me and it was beginning to effect my self respect and well being. Whatever you decide, I wish you peace.

6
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Rethinking gift giving
« on: July 19, 2017, 11:51:30 AM »
Thank you for the responses. Marina that would be great if everyone would be on board with it. However, they wouldn't and it would only wind up with me having to pay for everyone's dinner. Frankly, I'm not interested in doing that and I've given about all I'm going to.

7
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Rethinking gift giving
« on: July 19, 2017, 08:09:13 AM »
HI wise women,

 Both of my sons have August birthdays and I have always given them gifts, but starting this year I don't believe I will be doing that anymore. I know gift giving isn't supposed to be done with the expectation of getting anything in return but I can't help to realize I am the only one doing it. These days they rarely even remember it's my birthday at all. My birthday is in February and my oldest son still hasn't mentioned it. My youngest remembered about a month late and mentioned it nonchalantly. Now this year I know they're going to be wondering why I didn't supply a gift like I always do, but I think all I'm going to do is send a happy birthday text message. I don't plan on giving any explanations about it either, just leave it at that. I don't know what planet people live on anymore but even a fifty cent card shows someone you're thinking of them, even without a gift. But the truth is, even if they remembered it they wouldn't do that. I know they are capable because I see them do these things for other people. My gift and my availability to them has become the expectation they have of me and I've just grown very, very tired of it all. It's been hard for me to face, a very hard thing to acknowledge, but I just don't like them as people. I love them, but I don't like them.

8
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Argument with son
« on: July 16, 2017, 09:31:42 AM »
Thank you all for the responses, they mean so much to me :) Kate your idea is fantastic! I think my phone is going to start being dead or left in the car most of the time hehehe.........

9
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Am I Overthinking This One?
« on: July 12, 2017, 09:57:42 AM »
I think jdtm has offered some great advice here, I don't think I would say anything  (in this case). My oldest son never gives me a gift for anything, period. Not even a fifty cent card. My youngest son gives me a gift at Christmas and no other time. They both do contact me to say happy birthday, mothers day, etc. Of course I always give them gifts on the proper occasions and there is very little gratitude, if any, for that or anything else that I do. It stinks to realize that the people you have sacrificed so much for and love so much just don't have it in their hearts to do the very small things that would make life so much better for us. I have given up believing that will ever change because they refuse to see the problems. So what I have done is allowed myself to realize that they are selfish people and I can't make them see that. That simple realization has helped me tremendously.

10
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Argument with son
« on: July 11, 2017, 11:32:43 AM »
Hi wise women,

 I just argued with my son and I'm not sorry for it one bit. He doesn't respond to calls or texts for hours or days, sometimes not even at all. Yet I am always available when he needs me, always have been. Told him the least he could do would be to take calls. Also told him it was a good thing for him that I didn't do him that way. I got a call from him last week informing me that he needed to borrow some money, didnt really even ask me, just made the statement. I agreed to the loan but didn't hear from him about getting the money from me till this week. Over 1000.00, odd how he manages to pick up that phone in his time of need. I loaned him the money, and on the same evening I try to contact him about something and right back to not responding. So today I told him the least he could do would be to respond seeing as how I am the one person in the entire planet that has always been around for him and that I find his lack of availability rude and disrespectful. Of course he didn't see it that way and told me he doesn't go around with a phone attached to his hip, as if I thought he did. All he did was defend himself and didn't even try to understand the problem so I gave up and told him if he couldn't see it for himself I couldn't help him see it. I am not an irrational person and I don't contact him often, I leave him alone. But I wonder how he would like it if I treated him the same way. If I ignored him like he does me he wouldn't have that money right now. He is an ungrateful man that doesn't understand that relationships are a two way street. I love him but right now I don't like the person he is one bit. My husband ( not his father ) doesn't appreciate his attitude either. Says if he wants my money he needs to learn how these things work, two way street, not one way. It's never enough is it? No matter how much we do, we could give everything we had and it's never enough. I just get tired of always being there for someone that is never there for us. It really tempts me to become just as neutral and unavailable to him as he is to us. This isn't just an occasional thing with him it's developed into and ugly pattern. And as the saying goes, I don't trust words, I even question actions, but I never doubt patterns.

11
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Argument with son
« on: July 11, 2017, 11:27:15 AM »
Hi wise women,

 I just argued with my son and I'm not sorry for it one bit. He doesn't respond to calls or texts for hours or days, sometimes not even at all. Yet I am always available when he needs me, always have been. Told him the least he could do would be to take calls. Also told him it was a good thing for him that I didn't do him that way. I got a call from him last week informing me that he needed to borrow some money, didnt really even ask me, just made the statement. I agreed to the loan but didn't hear from him about getting the money from me till this week. Over 1000.00, odd how he manages to pick up that phone in his time of need. I loaned him the money, and on the same evening I try to contact him about something and right back to not responding. So today I told him the least he could do would be to respond seeing as how I am the one person in the entire planet that has always been around for him and that I find his lack of availability rude and disrespectful. Of course he didn't see it that way and told me he doesn't go around with a phone attached to his hip, as if I thought he did. All he did was defend himself and didn't even try to understand the problem so I gave up and told him if he couldn't see it for himself I couldn't help him see it. I am not an irrational person and I don't contact him often, I leave him alone. But I wonder how he would like it if I treated him the same way. If I ignored him like he does me he wouldn't have that money right now. He is an ungrateful man that doesn't understand that relationships are a two way street. I love him but right now I don't like the person he is one bit. My husband ( not his father ) doesn't appreciate his attitude either. Says if he wants my money he needs to learn how these things work, two way street, not one way. It's never enough is it? No matter how much we do, we could give everything we had and it's never enough. I just get tired of always being there for someone that is never there for us. It really tempts me to become just as neutral and unavailable to him as he is to us. This isn't just an occasional thing with him it's developed into and ugly pattern. And as the saying goes, I don't trust words, I even question actions, but I never doubt patterns.

12
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: The surprises never cease
« on: April 20, 2017, 08:00:26 AM »
I wouldn't call looking at my sons facebook page to possibly see pictures of him or my grandchildren snooping. He lives many miles away from me and I don't get to see my granddaughters because of this. So it was by accident that I noticed it anyway. And also, when their dad was having the affair with this woman my son would've been 12 years old so there is no way he could've had any kind of relationship with her which is why it struck me as so strange but ty for your response anyway.

13
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: The surprises never cease
« on: April 13, 2017, 05:22:44 PM »
Thank you for your responses, Luise you are absolutely right. I am so glad I waited it out and didn't say anything to him.

14
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / The surprises never cease
« on: April 13, 2017, 12:42:06 PM »
Hi everyone
 I wanted to tell yall what I discovered today. I had a look at my oldest sons facebook page and saw that he had added a woman that his father had an affair with while we were still married. I immediately saw red! Cannot believe he would have the desire to have someone like that on his facebook. How dare he. Words cannot begin to describe my feelings at this moment. I want so badly to confront him but I don't want him to know that I have been snooping. But how do I continue on pretending not to have seen this? And the bigger question is why would he even want to befriend someone like that? I am no longer mad about the affairs his father had as I divorced him and remarried long ago and he has since then died, nor am I angry at the woman he had the affair with. But it still feels like a betrayal by my son. How do I get beyond this?

15
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: The surprises never cease
« on: April 13, 2017, 12:40:34 PM »
I accidentally posted this under the wrong category

Pages: [1] 2 3