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Yeah still learning im not sure where your going with that last one but the debate Im not interested in. We're definitely all vulnerable and here for support for one reason or another. We're all just sharing. My suggestion was simply to offer an apology for the email and ask her DIL what she can do to further their relationship. She doesn't understand why her DIL dislikes her, I suggested she be direct and ask. If that's dumping on her then hey Dez, I'm truly sorry.

Still learning I am not sure there is a MIL/DiL relationship that doesn't come with its bumps. Sometimes DIL's are just distant because of personality, FOO, or just plain not knowing. At that point it is best to back off and let them come around in time. But Dez described her DIL as a loving Stepmother and ok with FIL so this isn't a push away the in laws thing.

Sorry had to comment that your DIL is great with your GD, her stepdaughter. And she's "ok" with your dH, her FIL. That's a red flag to me about your behavior towards  her. Your DIL isn't just filled with disdain for in laws in general. Her being a good stepmother is evidence of her maturity and capability to exhibit love in a blended family. You did or said something(s) to make her dislike you. Dez, if you really don't know what it could be, you truly have no clue.....Ask.

Hi Dez, there was something in your post that caught my eye. You said you wrote your son an email out of frustration. Frustration and anger can make us say some really mean things if we aren't careful. Maybe I misread but I didn't read that you apologized to your DIL.  I also see that your described her only as distant before your email and then disrespectful after. The email clearly hurt her feelings and well sometimes hurt people hurt other people.
And while I'm a believer in blood family being included in issues with in laws,sometimes we complicate things with our "feelings".
I think this could've been solved by simply inviting your DIL to lunch or a movie. The email to your DS could have asked him what activities your DIL enjoys and then finding common ground. Instead of why his wife doesn't behave the way you think she should.
I really feel an apology to DIL is your first order of business and could go a long way in rectifying this.

Pooh I actually think that's more than fair. I would love to do that. The only issue is DS has never stayed with her. So now he cries if he even thinks we're leaving him with DH parents. So now MIL is putting it on DS, saying he doesn't like her. He just started the crying thing this year. He's 3 1/2. I'd love to hear an excuse for the first 3 years. Note neither DS nor DD cry with my parents, they take them both.

I so meant to update this thread. Yes she did come home Tuesday. DH & I have decided is to be crystal clear with her each time. So yes DD can go but she needs to be in by 8 pm Sunday. Additionally we're limiting the time betwen visits to one overnight visit every other month. The root problem is MIL has no daughters and my DD is DH spitting image. MIL has an unhealthy attachment to her. She does not display these behaviors with my DS, who looks like me. In fact she never asks to keep DS, another days thread. So yes that's where we are.

A lot of MIL's complain their DIL is controlling, rude, keeps kids away, etc.
For me I let my DD spend weekends with her GP's, I don't have any rules except her peanut allergy & let us know where they take her. And I don't go jump and track her down an hour past bedtime. I think time with GP is special and I don't intrude on that. I figure what will one weekend every other month of candy and late nights
really hurt her? But previous posts are making me feel like I give too much??

Yeah no I agree that it isn't a police matter. That's why I came here or believe me, l would've called long ago. I disagree that I allowed it. Because I am a SAHM, she could have brought her back at 10 or 11 Sunday and it would have been fine. Husband & I literally fell asleep waiting but not upset. Thats why the call didn't go out until next morning.

Husband called MIL and daughter is with her, she told him she will bring her home tonight. Taking into account MIL doesn't respond to talks well. What is an appropriate game plan?

Question:  why did you not go and get her on Sunday evening?  If the child was not home by bedtime, then a telephone call and/or visit would have been prudent and/or expected.

I wasn't alarmed Sunday night. Though I have a temper when upset it takes a lot to upset me. This was me not making a big deal of one mistake. It being Tuesday, I now feel its a big deal. But I'm not sure how to handle it.

My MIL asked to keep my daughter(4 yr) Saturday and Sunday. I said yes, packed her bag and sent her off.
Sunday night came and went and my daughter was not brought home. So Monday morning, I called MIL and she said my daughter was at her mother's(GMIL). Husband and I were not told she was going there. But MIL stated she would bring her that evening. It is now Tuesday 1 pm. My daughter is not home and I have not heard from MIL or GMIL. Now, I have a temper in situations like these. 
My first thought is to call the police and tell them my daughter is being held without my consent.
Anyone have a more rational approach?
P.s. MIL has no accountability. So a polite sit down won't work. 

 
Oh pooh what a perfect response!!!! I'm only 24 so I may not have been born yet! But what I would give to be a fly on her wall that day hahaha. That made my day.
I guess it is just something I have to pray about it. I think a lot is driven by the fact that I don't want her to tell other family bad things, I love them. But in saying that I realize if they love me they won't be swayed by her.
Jdtm gave a great example too. Here you have a woman go along for the sake of peace. Only to have the same grandfather try to hurt her son. So two examples. One, the children benefited, the other they didn't. Lots of food for thought. Thank you ladies for sharing.

Pooh I'm really in awe of you to stick things out with your mother in law and be such a good example for your boys. I think your advantage was that your mother in law saw the problem. She may not have changed much but she listened to you. I bring a problem to my MIL I get insulted. Everytime. She is diligent in letting me know I've offended her. However if she offends me, I have to keep quiet about it.
I'm struggling with the balance of accepting her for the sake of all involved, and not allowing myself to be a door mat. I want my kids to benefit from a relationship with her but at what price?

Oh Monroe thanks so much for the identification. Sometimes all you can do is find people who understand then you don't feel so crazy  . Thanks so much.
For clarity I was not truly upset with the hospital visit. But it was her response that had me ticked. She could have said oh I was just really worried, instead she insulted my family. She was so worried she didn't have time to call us, but had the bill sent to who?...yep you guessed it.

Hugs right back Monroe for your bio mom. There's no help for that.
Good luck and I know you will be rewarded.

Sorry I just reread your last post and saw it is your finances that have you living with them.
Like I said it doesn't give anyone the right to disrespect you. But there are somethings you can do to be proactive.
First get a financial plan. Work hard on how you are going to get yourself back independent. Present a time line as to when you will be moving out. You've become that house guest who won't move out, that's where the tension is breeding.
Second get a job. Tell them the more you can save, the sooner you can move. I'm sure they can find childcare.

my husband and I have our hearts full making sure our three little ones are actually asleep. I'm sure our intimacy would be further stifled by a Mil presence.
I don't think this is good for anyone.