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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Pooh on April 27, 2015, 09:19:49 AM

Title: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Pooh on April 27, 2015, 09:19:49 AM
I have true confirmation now, that I have healed tremendously in the last couple of years.

First, to summarize my story with OS/DIL, we haven't spoken in almost 3 years now.  They had a daughter two years ago.  Never told us about the pregnancy, the birth...nada.  My "intuition" has always been that DIL and her Mother were behind much of what happened to my relationship with OS.  Now, I blame him as well, as he could have stood up for his family if he wanted to, but I was also around her and her Mother enough to see how controlling they were and that they will lie to get their way.

So, here's what's happened in the last two weeks.  1.  My DH receives a friend request on Facebook from DIL.  Shocked us at first but he wondered out loud if she was trying to reach out finally and he is the more easy-going of the two of us, so maybe she was starting with him.  My take was these exact words (yes, I was extremely pessimistic) "I bet she is trolling our pages and accidentally did it.  I don't see her changing her ways".  He decided he would accept it just to see what happened, plus he said, "I don't ever want them to be able to say we didn't try if she is reaching out.  My answer was, "Go right ahead.  If she didn't mean to, she'll delete you again."

BAM, five minutes after accepting it...she deleted him!  So, guess what?  Yep...I was right.  Which should have made me mad, but it didn't.  It actually got me tickled because that means that she is going to our pages to see what we are doing or what we are saying.  Well hate to disappoint, but I have never put anything on Facebook about the situation.  I don't air dirty laundry on there and hate to disappoint, but we are still having a wonderful life and I hope you enjoy all the pictures of our cruises, spending time with the other GC and having a great time without them!

2. This one is kind of a strange set-up, but it is how it's been.  My Ex had a cousin the same age as us.  Her and I became best friends at age 19 when I joined the family.  We ended up working together for years and we are very much alike.  So we have been friends now for 28 years.  When the divorce happened, her and I made a pact that we wouldn't talk about her family.  She attends all the family get-togethers and I didn't want her to feel like she had to choose sides.  It's worked just fine.  She is very involved with the family and her and I are still best buds. 

So she and I are talking last weekend and she says, "I know we have a pact that we don't talk about it, but I have to tell you what happened at Easter.  We had our normal big Easter gathering.  I'm helping clean up and your DIL comes up, out of the blue, and says, "So, does Pooh ever ask about Granddaughter?"  My friend says, "No.  Because she doesn't put me in the middle and we have an agreement about not discussing family matters."  DIL angrily bursts out "What kind of GM doesn't even ask about her GD?"  My friend, who is a very patient person, tries to be all diplomatic and says, "So if I arrange a meeting, would you come talk to her?"  DIL blurts out, "NO!"  So friend says, "Ok, would you let her come meet GD?"  DIL blurts out, "NO!"  So friend says, "Well, then to answer your question, the type of GM who wouldn't ask about her GD is the type that has been shut out, never told about GD and knows there is no chance by you to talk it out.  So why do you even care if she asks about her?"

DIL stomps off and deletes friend off her Facebook that evening!  Friends exact words to me, "So, we don't talk about it but we have all noticed how controlling she is of OS.  She orders him around like a 4 year old.  We have all made comments that we don't understand what he sees in her or why he tolerates it, but it's his decision and we stay out of it.  I just wanted you to know that you are not the problem.  She obviously has a problem with anyone that doesn't agree with her or do exactly what she wants.  I'm now booted from her too."

Ok.  So I knew this.  It took me a long time to get through my head it wasn't about me.  What was surprising was I didn't get upset over either of these situations this week.  I pretty much found it just a confirmation of my feelings.  This friend is one of the nicest people you would ever meet.  She helps all the family and is a truly great person.  There is no one in 28 years that I have met that doesn't think she is an absolute angel and loves her to bits.  I told her, "Don't take this wrong, but if you have now been booted, I feel much better about it not being just me!"   Then we both just laughed and she said, "I can't wait until the 4th of July!"
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: luise.volta on April 27, 2015, 09:50:50 AM
Oh, Pooh! What is it we hear about most leopards and their spots? I honestly believe healing and the ability to laugh often go together. :D
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Pooh on April 27, 2015, 10:51:14 AM
And I guess I shouldn't feel this way, but I can't help but feel a sense of "justice" now that she's starting on the "good" side of the family.  I should be ashamed...but I'm honest enough to say I'm not! :)  I really want to go, "Nanner Nanner Boo Boo"...but I'll refrain.
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: shiny on April 27, 2015, 11:05:15 AM
P, glad you got this confirmation as it 'seems' to help the pain of not knowing what is the problem.
But it still infuriates -- that a person can disrupt an entire family relationship, and depriving the littles of warm memories. My AD has turned on the whole family, and the GC have to reap the consequences through no fault or desire of their own. Wished I could hurry up and get to the place where you are ... laughing instead of weeping.
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: luise.volta on April 27, 2015, 11:11:14 AM
Pooh, I often wonder where our 'shoulds' came from. The concept of bypassing humanness and perfecting perfection if so ludicrous! LOL!
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Pooh on April 27, 2015, 11:33:39 AM
Pooh, I often wonder where our 'shoulds' came from. The concept of bypassing humanness and perfecting perfection if so ludicrous! LOL!

Good answer Luise! Lol

Shiny, it didn't come easy.  It still sneaks up on me at times....which I have also decided that is ok because if I wasn't still saddened at the events sometimes, somehow I would feel less human.   I think the humor I see comes out of can you imagine the look on her face when it suddenly said, "You and XXXXX are now friends!"  Cause you know she had no idea she sent a friend request accidentally.   And given the other situation, it is funny that it's obviously bothering her that I'm not begging and pleading.  The one thing that I have learned is that people that create drama, can't stand when you will not take part in their game and remove yourself from the drama.  I've taken her power from her and given it back to myself.
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: shiny on April 27, 2015, 11:47:54 AM
P, your quote: people that create drama, can't stand when you will not take part in their game and remove yourself from the drama.  I've taken her power from her and given it back to myself.

This is absolute truth and I'm learning to do the same!

My AD and her family live in chaos and conflict every.day.that.rolls.
Me? I run from it ... toxic people deplete me.
By refusing to participate in her drama has given me my sanity back.
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Lillycache on April 28, 2015, 07:36:51 AM
Love your story Pooh... and kudos for you and your healing..

My DIL sort of did the same thing to me..  She forbade me to see the kids for over a year... then got furious with me for not begging her to let me see them..  I told her that she had the control and I thought that she didn't want me to see the kids so I didn't ask.    That was when she asked me what kind of a GM WOULDN'T beg to see her grandkids..     I suppose that would have given her immense satisfaction.  That was what she was looking for, and when it didn't happen it honked her off to no end.

I think it's  about feeling in control and having the upper hand.   I believe these young women want use the kids as weapons to wound and hurt us... and then become enraged when it doesn't work as planned.  Very Childish... and I refused to play the game.   

Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Pooh on April 28, 2015, 09:08:07 AM
Love your story Pooh... and kudos for you and your healing..

My DIL sort of did the same thing to me..  She forbade me to see the kids for over a year... then got furious with me for not begging her to let me see them..  I told her that she had the control and I thought that she didn't want me to see the kids so I didn't ask.    That was when she asked me what kind of a GM WOULDN'T beg to see her grandkids..     I suppose that would have given her immense satisfaction.  That was what she was looking for, and when it didn't happen it honked her off to no end.

I think it's  about feeling in control and having the upper hand.   I believe these young women want use the kids as weapons to wound and hurt us... and then become enraged when it doesn't work as planned.  Very Childish... and I refused to play the game.   

I totally agree with every word of this.  I'm one of these people that feels you can't have it both ways.  If you shut me out of your life and don't want me involved with your children, then don't get mad when I honor your wishes.  And at least have the courtesy to not run around and try to make me the bad guy and not tell what part you played. 
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Lillycache on April 28, 2015, 11:05:09 AM
What was so funny to me was that she was going to "call the police" and "get a restraining order" if I dared come near their home to try to see the kids... and when I didn't she was mad.  Was she mad because she didn't get the chance to do those things? 

 The good thing is I now get to see the kids because my son brings them over... and even better.. I haven't had to see her for going on five years..   oh.. and I'm certainly not begging.  Wouldn't want her calling the police or anything.. lol!

Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Green Thumb on April 28, 2015, 03:21:52 PM
This hatefulness is apparent to everyone in the family but most people don't want to be the victim so they shut up and allow it to happen. Also, in narcissistic families, the back biting, playing one against another, control and manipulation is the rule. The others don't want to be ostracized so they "obey." And the one who stands up for right or refuses to play the game is ostracized. 

Pooh, like you I am tired of it and not willing to play the game any longer. Don't wish the AC bad, but also can't care too much either. No grandchildren yet but I fully expect to the the "out" grandma. It is painful but as you know, so is having your AC, DIL or SIL controlling access to the grandchildren by just pure meanness.

Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: AnnaB on April 28, 2015, 09:51:29 PM
For Pooh, about the drama comment, I read something recently that helped me and made me laugh...

Not my monkeys, not my circus.
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Pooh on April 29, 2015, 06:29:57 AM
Lilly, sometimes you just can't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all!

Green Thumb, although I wish none of this had never happened the way it has, I have not regretted one bit my decision to leave it where it's at.  Not having to deal with the drama has made my life much happier.

One of my favorites AnnaB!  That one and lately it's been, "I would like to apologize to those I have NOT offended yet.  Be patient...I'll get around to you."
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: confusedbyinlaws on April 30, 2015, 10:29:24 AM
Pooh, your friend's response to your DIL was perfect!  Sadly, I doubt your DIL will change.  But I hope your son will eventually stand up to her for the sake of himself and their children.  It's hard to have empathy for people who don't seem to have it toward others, but I feel very sorry for her.  She must feel very insecure inside.
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Pooh on May 01, 2015, 07:01:55 AM
I agree with you.  She has to be.  I've watched her Mother order her around, tell her how she was going to do every little thing and pretty much run her life.  Every picture I have seen, her Mother is standing right next to GD and Mom.  I'm not talking about posed pictures.  I'm talking every step DIL makes with GD, her Mother is right with her.  Her Mother quit her part time job to babysit full time when GD was born.  That has got to be suffocating to never be able to do anything with your child without your Mother being right there, every time.  And that's not anything new.  It's been that way her entire life.  I watched her as a teenager (I was her bowling coach) treated that way and controlled by her Mother.  She has no friends on Facebook that interact with her (or never did before I was booted).  It is all her Mother's friends that comment and like everything. Her Maid of Honor was a co-worker she had just met a few weeks prior.  I've never seen her do anything with friends...never.  Her Mother has become her "best friend".   Nothing wrong with your Mother being your best friend if you have other friendships, but to me, when your Mother is your only friend, that is sad.

So I do feel sorry for her because I do realize that her Mother controls her completely.   I realize she is repeating the pattern and the amateur shrink in me says that because she has no control over her own life (in her head), she compensates by controlling everything and everybody else around her, except her Mother.  She probably feels that since she isn't allowed to think for herself in her own life, everyone else will do it her way or no way.  So when I didn't bow to her commands, I was expendable just like everyone else that doesn't kowtow to her. 

I feel empathy for her but she is the only one that can change the situation. 


 

Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Pen on May 17, 2015, 07:29:13 AM
I'm totally late to this thread (computer/internet issues) but I am thrilled that you got some affirmation regarding your feelings surrounding DS/DIL, Pooh. Not that it changes the situation or makes it all go away, but now you know for sure it's not you. No more lingering doubt (maybe? did I do something? what happened?)

When I found out that my DIL/her FOO hated us for no good reason, I was sad & shocked (for about a minute) then felt very liberated from the spiral of doubt. Moving on!! Yay for us!
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Pooh on May 18, 2015, 07:20:49 AM
Yes, it is very liberating!  I knew it...but now I KNOW it!
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Justbreathe on April 12, 2017, 01:55:20 PM
Great thread. So helpful!

So many here are. So many of your stories reflect my own.

So thankful for every one of you for sharing and helping us newbies navigate this battle field

I have been disengaging and then back into it when they call or text.

I am so done with this. Thank you all again.
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: luise.volta on April 12, 2017, 02:25:35 PM
Before long you will be comforting a Newbee and telling her how you got your life back, J. When we allow abuse to continue...we are consciously and voluntarily contributing to it. For a long time...way too long, I was grateful for every crumb my son tossed my way without realizing I was helping to keep the dynamics in place.
Sending love...
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Justbreathe on April 12, 2017, 03:11:17 PM
Right? Grateful for every crumb thrown my way...  SMH.. I'm sick of that.  Every time one of them calls or texts, I'm afraid to pick it up.   That and texting them, I love you texts... That needs to stop too, they know I love them.

Thanks for the wonderful advice ladies.. Always knew I had to do it, but it sure isn't easy. Hugs Luise.. maybe someday I can help someone else. I hope so.
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: luise.volta on April 12, 2017, 03:51:43 PM
Your efforts help everyone here!
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Marina on April 12, 2017, 04:30:29 PM
For myself, when I made the decision to totally disengage from DS/DIL, my nerves calmed down and I was able to gain a clearer perspective on the situation.  Instead of being all twisted up in trying to make the relationship work, I found peace in letting go.  With time, I have been able to move past the hurt and anger and put my focus on other aspects of my life.  I love the Spring; I'm glad to be alive!   
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Justbreathe on April 13, 2017, 07:17:53 AM
For myself, when I made the decision to totally disengage from DS/DIL, my nerves calmed down and I was able to gain a clearer perspective on the situation.  Instead of being all twisted up in trying to make the relationship work, I found peace in letting go.  With time, I have been able to move past the hurt and anger and put my focus on other aspects of my life.  I love the Spring; I'm glad to be alive!   

Thanks Marina. Our experience seems to be a lot alike. Thank you so much for reaching out.

My DAD called again last night. 3 times in a month. She is having boy problems again and needed mom to talk to. I'm sucked back in and I don't trust her. I know she loves me and I would love to go back to our previous closeness. I don't think  it will end well for me if I do.

This is so hard.
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Marina on April 13, 2017, 11:00:58 AM
JB, maybe it would helpful for you to see a therapist to help you figure out where you want to set your boundaries with DD so that you don't feel "sucked in" by her.  You probably need a fresh approach in how you are responding to DD.   
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: luise.volta on April 13, 2017, 11:22:48 AM
It seems to me that phrase may suggest helplessness and even degree of hopelessness, as well. It was terribly hard to me to learn that no one could 'suck me in' unless I was willing to play the game. The payoff, when I believed my son did that to me, was I had someone to blame. Tough stuff.
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Justbreathe on April 13, 2017, 12:15:43 PM
You are both right. Tools.. I need tools, I'll keep reading and get myself to a therapist if I can't find them. Thanks ladies.
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Justbreathe on April 13, 2017, 02:13:23 PM
I'm sorry, I didn't mean I was blaming my DD.. not at all. This is all on me, I understand this. I'm looking for support and tools, which I know are here. Sometimes, we take the written word a little too literally, I need to remember this and be more careful what I write.

See.. I would love for my relationship with my DD to go right back to being as good as I used to think it was.. (did that make sense)  I did, I really thought we were super close.

That's what is hard.

Back to loving detachment.. now, where's that link?  ;)
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: luise.volta on April 13, 2017, 02:31:50 PM
Remember...take what you want here and leave the rest. All any of us can do is share our experience and what we have learned. It may apply and it may not. More hugs.
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: Justbreathe on April 15, 2017, 04:22:13 PM
Remember...take what you want here and leave the rest. All any of us can do is share our experience and what we have learned. It may apply and it may not. More hugs.
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Thank you. This so the same advice I gave to the new widows. So much great info here. Thanks to all who contribute
Title: Re: Progress: When things strike you as funny instead of making you mad
Post by: luise.volta on April 15, 2017, 04:26:19 PM
This is our eighth year! Thanks for joining us!