Mom been told the hospital treating her advanced breast cancer, has no further treatments to offer her and will now be pallitive from the local Hospice. We were all shocked at this news as she seemed to have recovered well from her mastectomy. We are a large family, spread over 4 countries and we have all reacted a bit differently. Within only a few months the family appear divided into 3 camps, the 'we can't do anything for her now', 'how can we get our hands on some of her money', and the grieving and bewiLdered'. This is a large famiLy, mom married 5 times, has kids from 3 marriages. Is there anyone here can give me any suggestions on how to deal with it all.
I think the first thing I would attempt to do is to accept that others are going to be how they are and not get drawn into the drama. We can't change them. Save your energy for your mother...it's pretty clear which camp you are in and she is lucky to have you. I would concentrate on her wishes and needs and let the others go their way...which is what they will do anyhow. I'd contact Hospice and ask for help. They counseled me when my husband was dying and went on Hospice. I don't know what I would have done without them. Hugs...
Thank u for u reply. I don't live in the UK .She is currently still in her own home, an outpatient at Hospice, with SF no 4 who doesn't like any of us kids, so often we can't speak to her. I've been back 3 times in 7 months but cannot afford it any longer, siblings been back inbetween but he doesn't want us there. It is her home, solely in her name. When he opens the door he just glares and walks away to another part of the house. Mom pretends it isn't happening. How do we know what she really wants?
I'm sorry about the distance and the inaccessabillity that your mother has established. She may be telling you what she wants, if she has isolated herself and is pretending it isn't happening. It must be very hard to respect her choice in a partner but that may be what she wants, too. There will be others here who offer you a different perspective. Mine would be to let her know that you care and that you honor her choices...and to attend to your own shock and grief. She may think that by shutting you out that she is sparing you. You know better and may need to find a counselor to help you through your vigil. My heart goes out to you.
Thank u Luisa. That's more or less what my Godmother has advised me but as mom has not spoken to her 6 siblings for years, I am unsure if there's any sincere love between them as they don't trust mom. They do have very valid reasons but some issues happened decades ago and I feel that they have no idea how I feel. I'm very respectful towards them, they r all in their 80s and 90s but wonder if they are too harsh?
Margo I think you should check with your local Hospice. Most of them offer groups to help people and I would not think that they would care if your mother is far away. I cannot imagine how to handle knowing my mother was going to die soon and not being able to see her. Losing a parent is always difficult, no matter how old they or you are. I am sorry that this time has the added stresses you described. I hope your family can use this time to forgive past issues and heal old wounds.
As for your DM's current husband I would suspect that he feels like he is about to get kicked out of his home. He probably thinks that his wife's children are circling like vultures waiting to take everything. I know that you are only interested in being with your mother but I am sure that he is feeling very insecure. Losing a spouse is difficult enough without the added pressure of the home you live in being "entirely in her name". Maybe some honest discussion would help......or make everything worse. I do not know what I would do in that regard.
As you move through this troubling time it might help to remember that life is a terminal illness. Doctors can only predict a probable ETA and nothing they say is etched in stone. All of the time you spend focusing on the eventual outcome is time you could spend enjoying both your life and hers so tune your focus to now and let the future take care of itself.
Sending lots of loving thoughts your way.......
Thank u for taking the time to send such a thoughtful reply. I actually do charity work for our local breast cancer unit but am unable to discuss mom with anyone there...this is my problem....no reflection on my co-workers who r lovely. Ditto with our local priest. I do gain comfort from just being part of these groups in a quiet way, don't know if that makes sense??
You make sense and you still l might do well with a counselor where you can condid and share your experience. It's a big load to carry. Please know we are all here for you. Hugs...
Margo, welcome to the site. My thoughts go out to your and yours during this time. I lost my mom to cancer decades ago. There is so much more than just dealing with the medical issues regarding the illness. Please make sure you take some time for yourself.
When you get a minute, please read the pink highlighted items under the topic Open Me First on the home page if you haven't already. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit all around :)
Hi Margo
Sorry to hear about your Mom . My mom was diagnosed with brain cancer and like you, our family divided into various camps as well. My sister and brothers were either in a denial or in the I can't handle this camp, so it was basically left to me. She was terrified that they would place her in a nursing home with strangers taking care of her, so I ended up moving in with her and cared for her until she passed.
Having gone thru basically the same thing, I can advise you on some things .
First , contact the hospice near her and find out what they can offer as ways to help. They are very special people and I don't know what I would of done without them. Second, her current husband is probably also in his own phase of grieving and wondering how he will care for her as her time gets closer. Perhaps try and speak to him about the choices open to them as far as help goes, because they will need help and support.
My siblings always made those token calls concerning ^" how is Mom doing " but it was not until she passed that they showed up to claim what they felt was theirs. Even if the conversation is difficult, perhaps you could speak to your mom about what her wishes are . It is not an easy conversation but one that will make things easier in the future. If she has named her current husband as her legal power of attorney , then he will dictate everything concerning her care and the aftermath.
After you have squared away the actual details of what she wants in her care and what she wants as far as her home goes, then just center on spending as much time as you can with her. Even though you may not be able to visit her often, those phone calls every day can open up a line of communciation that you will cherish in the years to come. Some of my best memories are things we talked about during my Mom's last few months. Try and be upbeat as much as you can , maybe remembering special times that will bring a smile etc.
You are on a sad road for the next few months but unfortunately it is a road that most of us must travel. Enjoy the time you have left and God Bless both of you.
Hello Pen thank you for your reply. I did read all the pink highlighted items before joining and have just read them again after your comment about them. I'm unsure what specifically you are referring me to? Sorry if I seem vague I'm just extremely tired so my concentration level is low.
Hello Sheen. Thank you for sharing your own experience. I have spoken to mom directly when I was with her during my last 3 visits and she expressed a wish that I would 'nurse her at the end'. We agreed she would stay in her home until either I couldn't cope or she asked to go to the Hospice. She specifically mentioned who she did and did not want to be allowed in her home, her burial wishes etc. I asked mom if she had made her Will to ensure that SF had a 'life interest in the home' explaining she could still leave it in her Will to whoever she wanted but this would ensure he had a roof over his head for the remainder of her life. She just listens to me but hasn't told me what she has done. I try to speak directly to SF to explain that as we have 2 homes we are not in need of the home financially and he had no worries about that but he just made comments about my siblings. So I don't know what more I can do in this area? Any suggestions greatly appreciated. On the communication front I ring daily, twice if she sounds down on my first call, I send jokes by email, a nice card every week. I have tried to rally those who she has fallen out with to make some contact although this has mainly failed. Again any suggestions in this area would be greatly appreciated.
Quote from: Margo on January 20, 2014, 09:12:12 PM
Hello Pen thank you for your reply. I did read all the pink highlighted items before joining and have just read them again after your comment about them. I'm unsure what specifically you are referring me to? Sorry if I seem vague I'm just extremely tired so my concentration level is low.
You're fine, Margo! No problems with any of your posts :)
It's just our standard greeting to new members. As one of the moderators here I have to make sure everyone who joins understands that the site is monitored. When we notice a "newbie" is posting, one of us moderators will post the reminder about reading the site information.
So sorry Margo for your situation with your Mother.
Hi Margo
Sounds like you are doing the very best you can . Sometimes as in my mom's case, she had arranged her will and her wishes by having an attorney actually coming to the house. As far as hospice goes, they were great. They had a nurse come in once or twice a week to stay with Mom while I did grocery shopping etc. They were also good with help trying to make sure I understood the medications . I cared for her up to ten days before she passed. I just was not physically able to lift her and we were fortunate to have a hospice house just a few blocks away. By that time however she was only semi-conscious so I am not sure that she even knew we moved her there.
With my mom, she enjoyed looking at old pictures and going over happier times which we did alot of. She was always an avid cook, so everytime she saw a new cooking show, she would instruct me to make it. I think the biggest part of the whole situation is to make them feel that they are still part of life, and not dwell on the eventual outcome. If you ever shared a craft or something, then maybe try doing something like that next time you visit.
As far as the siblings, that is a situation in itself. We all use to be very close but unfortunately I now realize that my Mom was the glue that held us together. I have not spoken to any of them in over ten years, (their choice). They were not pleased with the way the estate ended up so that was the end of family. At any rate, stay strong and take care of yourself.
My thoughts are with you.
Hello Sheen. Thank u for sharing your experience with me. I've taken on board what u did as I think my situation is similar. Mom has always loved to cook and bake, I don't. I love to knit, sew, quilt, mom can't sew on a button. It's never been an issue as if it was a family get together I would pay for food and she would cook it! Last Xmas we did the opposite and she was surprised that I can actually cook very well. So although they hate pasta and rice dishes, she asked me to teach her some recipes. These were special times, role reversals at our age! I will definitely remember the photo album suggestion and if there was anything else she enjoyed you remember please let me know. It's these practical things that I can do which make the situation seem less daunting. Thanks again.
Margo now is the time when you can put names to so many faces in the photos that have been in boxes for years (or maybe I am the only person whose good intentions have not made it into photo albums!). It will mean so much to her now and so much to you later.
Hugs!!
Hi Margo,
Yes it did feel strange with the whole role reversal thing happening, I do remember that. Meaning you love to quilt, one thing you might do is make a quilt with some of her favorite photos on it. I don't sew but I had one made for my mom for her last Mothers day and she did love it. You can buy that fabric that you run thru your printer and then use the squares to quilt around. That way, she has this warm snuggly blanket with her during those times when you are not.
It really isn't about the things you do, but rather the way you spend the time you have with her. Think of it as a gift that you have been given, and treasure the little moments you have. If she can get her outside and go for a walk once the weather gets nice. Hospice will even furnish a wheel chair if necessary and they will also furnish a hospital bed for later on. Like I said those people will become a great support for you and they are fantastic listeners.
Hello StillLearning. Yes we do have boxes of photos. Should I ask her if and how she wants them distributed? I know of families where one person has taken all the photos, jewellery etc and because there was nothing in writing he got away with it all. All the rest wanted was little mementos. How is the best way to word this to mom?
You would have to judge that. I just flat out asked my Dad for a list of who he wanted contacted when he died and what he wanted to go where. He reacted very well but some people think that that was a horrible way to handle things. I knew he would rather have it handled factually than have me beating around the bush trying to figure it all out. Wills usually only cover the things that have monetary valuable, not keep sakes and such. You might suggest to your Mom that the two of you could look through the boxes. While looking you could suggest that she start sorting the pictures into piles for everyone. She could then go ahead and start handing them out to people, giving her a chance to relive those times with the people she wants to have the pictures.
After Dad died my sister and I went through his pictures (and Mom's since she was gone already) and made a pile for each person who was pictured individually and a pile of group photos. We then went through the group photos and divided them up. Any picture that more than one sibling wanted I scanned into a computer and made digital copies for everyone. I ended up with the originals but that is because I did the scanning. Now there are copies of those pictures all over the place! If one computer dies we can always get the copies from another relative. The other stuff is more difficult.....
A list of particularly cherished items and who your Mom would like to have them works well. It can be mentioned in the will to make it more official.
It will make thing much easier for the family if you can get your mother to let everyone know her wishes. Good luck!
Hello StillLearning. You are very practical...Thank u! This is what I need right now as I'm a doer not much of a thinker. Well that's not entirely true but my thinking is very muddled. Whilst phoning her tonight she mentioned she has felt better and able to read. So I was a bit brave and asked if when the time came she would like me to read to her and she said that was a lovely idea. So that's a milestone to have broached what she wants at the end. She was so positive about it that maybe she is open to suggestions re her possessions etc. thanks again for encouraging me to try what worked for you as I feel much easier tonight and feel like I might sleep for the first time in months. This site is such a God send. Hopefully when I've less of a mess I can help someone in the future.