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Problem Solving => Grandchildren => Topic started by: devastated grandma on October 05, 2013, 07:15:23 PM

Title: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: devastated grandma on October 05, 2013, 07:15:23 PM
My DD and her significant other of only 6 months have cut me off from the light of.my life. I have been completely severed from the.6 year old who shares the same.love for me. This is only hurting people. There is no.other reason except her SO is a manipulating and controlling person who has alienated my DD from all friends and family. I am not only sad but very angry. Grandparents should have more rights.
Title: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: luise.volta on October 05, 2013, 07:39:44 PM
Welcome and please read the three posts we have for you as a new member. Go to our HomePage.They under Read Me First
Be sure to carefully read the Forum Agreement to be sure it's a fit for you.

Your post has been modified to help protect your anonymity. It is too easy for others to track us here and make things worse.

I will respond later. I am down with the flu. Sending love...
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: Pen on October 06, 2013, 10:05:23 PM
Welcome, DG. I know Luise will have some words of great wisdom for you when she returns. In the meantime, take some comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone. Reading some of the posts from months and years past will give you a feeling of what others have done in a similar situation.

Unfortunately, we cannot change other people, only our reactions to them. Spending your life in anger and sadness is not going to affect your DD's SO one tiny bit. Living your best life (whatever that means to you such as hobbies, travel, work, interests, volunteering, etc.) might be a good, non-verbal example to your DD when she does interact with you in the future. (She has to make the decision that her relationship is dysfunctional; your vocal input regarding that may backfire on you.) Is your GC in danger? If not, her parents have the last word, sadly. (((hugs to you )))

Many GMs here start scrapbooks for their GC as a way to make sure they will eventually know how much their GPs loved them through the years. Perhaps this is an option for you.

Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: Pooh on October 07, 2013, 06:09:43 AM
Welcome.  Yes it stinks!  Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and am still wearing it.  The hardest thing is to also understand, no matter what the SO is or isn't doing, DD is going along with it.  She is an adult and making her own choices and sadly, it is their choice to make.

Was there a particular instance, argument or something that led to this?  Or just out of the blue?  Trust me, I know that there doesn't have to be this final blow-up, never had one myself, but just curious if they are giving you any reasons.
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: devastated grandma on October 07, 2013, 12:16:04 PM
Thank you for the replies friends.

The first 2 years of motherhood were my DD was still stuck in the party mode. She was 19 when she had my GD. I supported here on a revolving door basis, but the last time she came in I put a rule that she goes out once a week, leaving her with me. She agreed but was out 6 out of 7 nights leaving my GD with all sorts of random people while she went out late late into the night. I did ask her to go, expressed I don't want custody but she could leave GD with me so she can go get it out of her system. She was offended, took her child and left. A year later, first steady job, relationship & car.. she admitted the tough love was the best thing I did for her.
When GD was 4, DD was partying less, but things took a terrible turn when her and her live-in SO (at the time) decided to take someone in that needed a crash pad. My DD started going out and left GD with this boy who was 17. He sexually abused my GD and I was the one who figured out what was going on. We all went thru counseling but obviously after that safety is always a bit more "slap-happy" of a subject.
Her newest live-in relationship with current SO is under 8 months old. SO insists GD calls her mom and the "new grandma" her mother be called GM. I also have reason to believe their is child abuse, mental and physical from SO but I have no evidence.

The SO has been chipping away at my DD and has cut all person's off and my GD and I are very sad because we are so in love.
I am accused of being judgmental, overbearing and interfering.

I have never been so disappointed in ALL my life. I also raised my 2 DD's as a single-parent and although who is perfect I did a darn good job. I will never understand.

I am only completely at peace when I am asleep.

:(
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: Pooh on October 07, 2013, 01:37:04 PM
Well, I'm all for interfering when there has been abuse in the past and possibly more abuse.  The down side is when a grandparent does get involved in trying to protect the child, it is normally at the expense of the relationship.  I am the type that safety comes first but not everyone feels that way.  Since GD is 6, is she in school now?  The reason I am asking is that maybe you could contact the counselor at the school and make them aware of what is going on.  Let them know that you can't prove it, but alert them to watch for signs themselves and the past behavior of DD.  A good counselor will speak to the teacher and make them aware, confidentially so that the teacher can watch as well.  They are trained and supposed to be watching all children for signs, but maybe a little push will get GD some extra observation.

Just with the past abuse, even if there is nothing going on now, GD may still have some difficulties in school that the teacher/counselor may be able to help her through.
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: devastated grandma on October 07, 2013, 03:19:11 PM
Thank you .. I have just discussed the school route with one of my best friends just yesterday. I appreciate the extra added assurance.as well as the support.
I have also been to a natural vitamin store and acquired some calming elixirs to help with the edginess of this emotional rollercoaster.
  >:(  :(
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: devastated grandma on October 13, 2013, 04:52:18 AM
I see her in my dreams and wake up missing her.
I would give anything just to talk on the phone.

GRANDMA MISSES YOU!
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: firelight on October 20, 2013, 03:56:50 AM
My heart is breaking for you, devastated, and know you are not alone at all.  You've found a fantastic place here where most feel your pain. 

I have had a season myself where I had to call CPS (child protective services) on my own flesh and blood.  It was the most painful thing I've ever done and I bawled the whole way through it, even on the phone with them.  I am glad that part of my life is over and it does cost a relationship .....at first.   Things are better now and at least I can see my grands, but it took a hot minute. 

I like the school idea if you really have to as a last resort.  Of course, notifying any legal authority is a last resort. 

I don't know why your DD would make these choices to leave GD with perfect strangers or give her SO of such a short period such control over her life, but it is what it is.  We just cannot wrap our minds around what others choose to do sometimes, I know this first hand. 

I am wishing all the best for you in this situation and for the safety of your sweet GD.  I hope that, in time, it will pass over.  Sometimes when younger people are going through their own junk, they just don't see anyone but themselves, even at the expense of their child.  I was a different kind of mom so that blows me away, but it happens quite a bit.  My heart breaks with yours today because I have been there. 
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: devastated grandma on October 20, 2013, 05:43:49 AM
Thank you so much! It has been a bit rougher since I was on here last. My youngest DD and I were in a serious car wreck and we were t.boned and flipped three or four times. My estranged DD did show up in e.r. but was cold.. did notcome to my side..in view until iI requested her to. She brought the SO which I did not like and unfortjneatly voiced it and now my DD still wont let me have any contact. W e are injured and in the process of figuring everythkng out. I would like to see my GD now but she wont budge. She is cold  hearted and I dont even know who she isanymore.
I feel most sorry for my  GD.
 :'(
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: Pen on October 20, 2013, 11:18:00 AM
So sorry to hear of your accident, DG. Take care of yourself, try to let the other stuff go for right now.
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: Pooh on October 21, 2013, 08:41:16 AM
Sending healing thoughts your way.
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: luise.volta on October 21, 2013, 03:10:00 PM
We're all in your corner! Sending love...
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: firelight on October 28, 2013, 01:05:52 AM
Sometimes I don't think we'd fight so hard to save a relationship if it weren't for the little ones involved.  My SIL's aunt tells me she knows he and my DD lie much to her but the aunt says she says nothing about their lies or behavior because she doesn't want them to withhold my GD from her.  (GD visits SIL's aunt quite a bit)

I see her point and have "tried" that route myself.  I find it harder for me than it must be for her when it comes to calling out someone on their lies and behavior.  I am practicing it but spoke my mind once again just the other day...  it's as if I can't help myself as her mother when I'm lied to and get offended by it.  We (DD & I) have patched things up once again in a matter of a few days, but when it comes to my own AC I just blurt out what I feel about it when I'm lied to or feel used.  I initiate the patching up so I can see the grands.  I wish I had an answer for you on how to handle it, but I'm still growing myself.  Sometimes I wish I could be more like my SIL's aunt and just keep quiet about it and concentrate on seeing my GC and forget the rest.  Way easier said than done!   :-X 

I hope things get better for you in time.

Best wishes for healing from the car accident.  How scary!
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: DixieDarling on October 28, 2013, 11:37:37 AM
 firelight, It sounds like you've really had a hard time also. I'm sorry! Are things still going good now? Do you get to see the grandchildren often?
DG, I do hope you are healing from your car accident? So glad you're ok.
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: devastated grandma on November 01, 2013, 11:55:57 AM
hello all I am doing okay dealing with a head injury..I have spoken A LITTLE with GD and also have not seen her and I still am not allowed.. I just keep throwing the love at them and not talking about anything controversial.l Someday the barrier will come down I am going to just keep my mouth shut from now on even when it is most difficult..just so I can see her.
Thanks to all you wonderful ladies! I know this happens all the time and I am not alone.

P.s. I have alerted the school "watch out" for my GD.
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: devastated grandma on November 16, 2013, 04:43:22 AM
Hello.all..
I am.doing ok. I have post.concussive syndrome, neck injuries, and am haunted by the terror of the event of the accident. It has been difficult but I am going back to work Monday.
I miss the way my life used to be. I always took pride in the fact that I raised two good girls on my own. My DD, the oldest was involved in many sports in which we traveled all over our state and I worked alot of concessions. I really just don't understand how she could turn out to be so hateful and use her daughter like this.
I am still talking with my GD occasionally, when she lets me and I have apologized and admitted my part. I only continue to send love and she still won't let me see her or my DD. she keeps telling me that we will meet and talk but she keeps finding excuses not to. after what I've been through life is too short and I just want to see them.
so very sad. I have not gotten any apology and everything is blamed on me. The daggers keep coming and I've been told by others that they enjoy my suffering, especially the SO.

I hope to all grand parents out there that they never have to go through this... and if you are not alone.
DG
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: DixieDarling on November 17, 2013, 09:48:02 AM
I'm sorry for your pain. I wish I had wise words that would help you. But I know all "do something for yourself" &"go be happy" comments won't help that ache go away. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Title: Re: DD and Signicant Other took GD away
Post by: devastated grandma on November 17, 2013, 03:35:25 PM
Thank you DixieDarlin! This forum really helps..it is good to sound off with others in similair situations. The jornalling aspect is also very healthy.
if I read some post correctly I hope that you find a happy place.. even if the GS is moving hours away.