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Problem Solving => Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents => Topic started by: jill1963 on June 09, 2012, 02:01:40 PM

Title: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: jill1963 on June 09, 2012, 02:01:40 PM
hi,

i feel extremely silly about this  :( my YDD told us earlier on this month that we were unlikely to have my GS to stay for our usual weekend as they were unhappy with his behaviour.
Thats fair enough their call, however now i find myself feeling jealous because i think the other GP's may be having him for the weekend because of something on Facebook.

I cant ask my DD direct cos she is likely to get angry with me, but now i am torturing myself thinking about it.... but i know i am being silly, she probably only went over to visit!!
why can't i stop thinking about it, even if GS is staying with them its up to them but it keeps going round and round in my mind  :( :-[
How do i stop?
Jill
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: lancaster lady on June 09, 2012, 02:11:24 PM
Hey Jill ,

Happens to me all the time , I just make sure that when I do see my GD , we have one to one fun !
Don't forget they are GP's too , and might feel the same when you have your GS .
Another thing ...hide all messages on FB , it's a killer !
We read into things that are not there , and make stories out of the things that are .
Occupy that mind , by keeping busy , mentally and physically , run a mile if you have to ....you'll see him soon .. :)
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Doe on June 09, 2012, 02:44:47 PM


hide all messages on FB , it's a killer !

Yup

Occupy that mind , by keeping busy , mentally and physically , run a mile if you have to ....you'll see him soon .. :)
more yup

I totally agree with LL. 
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: constantmargaret on June 09, 2012, 06:23:24 PM
 It's normal to feel upset. How you stop is by distracting yourself.

It's like tearing your eyes off a train wreck, but you can do it. Knowing when it's time to get off the computer is my biggest challenge, but when I succeed, I feel better.

My personal strategies....

Watch reruns of Frasier
Watch reruns of Dick Van Dyke show
Read a good book
Dream build
Work in my shop
Play music

You can do it.

Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: luise.volta on June 09, 2012, 07:04:02 PM
I agree about Facebook. Don't go there…go play someplace. Nice list of suggestions, CM. Sending love...
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Lillycache on June 11, 2012, 10:15:48 AM
Facebook...... boy oh boy has it ever torn apart families.    I was new to FB 2 years ago, so you might say I came late to the party.  I was excited that I was able to open a FB page and profile, and invite people to be FB friends.  I made the mistake of sending DIL a friend request!   Remember, at that time I had no idea how much she detested me.  None what-so-ever!  I thought FB would be a great way to stay in touch and see pics of the GSs and hear about what they were doing.  I had no idea that sending DIL a friend request was a HUGE intrusion.  Well, when she didn't accept my request I asked why?  I thought she over looked it.  Boy was I wrong!!  I guess I just did it so I could SPY on her?  Take my word for it... she's not that interesting!  lol!!    Anyway,  It was the beginning of the end.
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: luise.volta on June 11, 2012, 10:20:26 AM
That is so sad. And if it hadn't happened that way, it was probably only a matter of time. Sending love...
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Pooh on June 11, 2012, 12:06:01 PM
Yep, I'm with Luise, if it wasn't FB, it would have been something else with people like that. 

I told my FDIL that I wanted to send her Mother a friend request, but that I hadn't because I didn't want her to think I was being intrusive.  Her Mother posts on her FB quite a bit.  I didn't know if I should or shouldn't because here I am, with her DD living in my home so I wanted her Mother to know that she was welcome at our house and in our lives.  So I told FDIL my dilemma and told her that I didn't want her Mom to think I didn't want to meet her or get to know her, but also didn't want her to think she had to if she had no interest.  FDIL just kind of laughed and said, "Well she makes comments all the time about the stuff you and DH put on my FB and says that you guys must be a hoot because she just sits and laughs when she reads what you guys put."

The next morning, I got a friend request from her.  I'm not sure if FDIL told her what I said and let her know that I wanted to but didn't want to seem like I was barging in, but that would be my guess.
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Footloose on June 11, 2012, 12:44:34 PM
Oh NO!  Don't get ME started on FB!  LOL! 
I fired them some time ago.  Pooh, be careful!  DIL's mom may use your page as a way to spy on her DD. I have seen FB hurt so many, to include me so I had to get off and stay off. 

Just me but do be careful dear one!

Hugs to Jill and hopes you don't get the FB virus too!  it does hurt!
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: lancaster lady on June 11, 2012, 01:31:30 PM
My DIL's DM was a FB book buddy of mine till WW3 , then I was deleted from all her family ....
I reckon what I don't know can't hurt me , and unless something is posted on my page to me
I don't look anywhere else .
Once bitten , and all that .....
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Lillycache on June 11, 2012, 01:39:39 PM
My DIL even went so far as to have my DS defriend her from HIS FB page so that I wouldn't be able to see her page.  What the heck is it she does that is so important to keep from me?  lol!!!  I truely have no interest in her personal life or her FOO...  I just thought it a nice way to see pics and keep up with what my GKs are doing... kind of like being kept in the loop.   Instead she made it all about her...  Typical..
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Pooh on June 12, 2012, 11:01:15 AM
Sorry, I should have been more specific.  FDIL and her Mother have a great relationship.  Her Mother lives in a different state and FDIL was welcome to go there as well but she didn't want to live in that state.  Her Mother is very nice, sense of humor and likes my Son very much.   I want to meet her and I also knew that if the tables were turned and it was my pregnant daughter, living with people I had never met, I would probably be worried to death.  I wanted her to feel comfortable that we were treating her DD well...Lol.

My DIL and her Mother, well yeah....I never liked her Mother anyway and just accepted her FR as a courtesy to DIL a couple of years ago.  After everything and when DIL deleted me off FB, yeah...I deleted her Mother!  I not scairt.
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Pooh on June 12, 2012, 11:10:08 AM
And this may not be the popular view around here, it's just my opinion.  I don't think FB hurts people.  I think it can be the weapon of choice that some people choose to use to hurt people.  If it wasn't FB and someone is going to treat you that way, it's going to be something else.  Email, text, blogs, gossipping to family members.  There's so many other ways to get at you if you don't have a FB.  FB was the final straw between me, DS and DIL, but it wasn't the FB that caused it, it was the lies.  FB was just a tool that exposed the lies.  Without FB, they still would have been lying.  If someone chooses to buy a gun and shoot someone, is it the gun's fault or the person?

I take responsibility for my FB.  If I don't like something, I hide it.  If I don't want to deal with someone, I hide all their statuses or delete them.  If I choose to go on someone else's page and look for things, knowing it's going to hurt me to find them...well, then that's my fault.  Yes, I'm a grandmother and I totally understand wanting to see pics of your GC.  But if you know that seeing them is going to make you feel more sad and resentful, then don't go looking for them.  You have to decide in what spirit you want to see the pics and can you just enjoy getting to see them.  Just my two cents.
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: pam1 on June 12, 2012, 11:35:01 AM
My DIL even went so far as to have my DS defriend her from HIS FB page so that I wouldn't be able to see her page.  What the heck is it she does that is so important to keep from me?  lol!!!  I truely have no interest in her personal life or her FOO...  I just thought it a nice way to see pics and keep up with what my GKs are doing... kind of like being kept in the loop.   Instead she made it all about her...  Typical..

Ok, little devils advocate here - why can't you see the pics on DS page?

The reason I say this is because I got a facebook (and for you long timers who know my ideas on it, well lets just say I have to eat crow!) and I'm careful who is on it.  I don't do anything serious and post a lot of nonsense.  (kind of like what I do here, hehe)  But seriously, I joke with my friends and family quite a bit and our sense of humor is not my MILs.  It would offend her and honestly, I'm on facebook for fun.  Not as a requirement or anything so I can't imagine my MIL thinking anything about my facebook.  It's not my work to give her, it's my play time.  But that goes for everyone, not just MIL.  I don't accept friends that I know would have a problem with my joking around and sense of humor. 

Just a though, Lilly.
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Pooh on June 12, 2012, 12:00:36 PM
Lol Pam.  Me too.  I had a distant friend that deleted me the other day because me and DH give each other heck on FB.  We also post mushy stuff and this girl kept putting on our stuff, "TMI, get a room, no one wants to see your lovey dovey stuff, etc."  I thought at first she was just ribbing us and then it was like it became her mission to put that on anything we wrote to each other.  So I finally wrote the other day below her "no one wants to see you two drool all over each other", "Well, that's an easy one.  It's obvious someone wants to see it or they wouldn't be reading it all the time!"  She deleted me!  Ha ha ha
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: luise.volta on June 12, 2012, 12:46:35 PM
I make myself go to FB every once in a while to see if anything is happening that I should know about. Nope…just prattle, dumb games, useless information and more prattle. It's almost "I got up this morning and had a glass of water." LOL!
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: luise.volta on June 12, 2012, 12:48:21 PM
:D :D :D
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Pooh on June 12, 2012, 01:30:18 PM
My status today reads:  "I want to change the contacts in my phone over to famous people's names so I can hear it go "Dolly Parton is calling, Queen Elizabeth is calling..."  I think it will mess with people at Walmart.

:)
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: luise.volta on June 12, 2012, 02:05:52 PM
:D You're a hoot!  :D
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Ruth on June 12, 2012, 02:10:44 PM
Jill, I am so sorry you're feeling sad.  Great advice has been given across the board here, personally I quit FB a long long time ago, and even then I only participated a few weeks until I said to myself, Whoa!  I have enough pain and risk in my life without getting involved with this drivel, so I shut it down.  But still, you are feeling sad because something you looked forward to and which meant a great deal to you has fallen through, and even worse, you feel again muzzled from asking a sane and normal question from what should be the one you could trust most to voice your feelings to.  I was reading an article today, entitled Cognitive Dissonance, which is , according to psychology, the 'internal tension that results when our experience doesn't match our professed beliefs and values'.  And I thought, yes, this is where I live.  Everything in our psyche tells us that we love our children, we raise them the best we can, we are there for them, and they love us?...well, no, we aren't even sure, and we aren't even free to ask.  It is no wonder many of us have ended up mentally ill, and drained dry, by this going on in our lives for years on end, and usually bleeding over into other and sundry areas of our lives, causing more 'Cognitive Dissonance'.  Well, Jill, I find myself only one remedy for being enveloped in that feeling you have right now, and that is I just try and get out and do something to help somebody else out, whether its scrubbing my Mom's kitchen floor, or writing a nice letter to a friend, or something that is just an act of kindness.  It just helps me get the monkey off my back.  All of us have been where you are.  Don't look into things (FB, etc) that have the potential to cause more pain than gain.  Shut the door, and look for open doors that will bring more fullness and happiness into your life.
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: luise.volta on June 12, 2012, 04:18:27 PM
I always thought Cognitive Dissonance was making something up and then creating the rationale for it after the fact. Oops!
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Footloose on June 13, 2012, 06:38:19 AM
Great input, Ruth!  So what is the cure for Cognitive Dissonance?! Electric shock, prefrontal lobotomy?! I got it bad, girl!  LOL!  Can I get a head transplant?

i kno,m I kno, it is exactly what you and the other kind women here have advised.  Change YOUR mind, change YOUR attitude,  REPLACE THE LOSS.....I'm catching on but my stubbornness makes it harder?

Fake it till ya make it?! 
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: luise.volta on June 13, 2012, 06:44:37 AM
Be stubbornly in favor of yourself! :-)
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Pooh on June 13, 2012, 06:53:25 AM
Oooh good answer Luise.  I hear ya Footloose.  I'm a cut your nose off to spite your face person.   

I did figure out something last night about myself.  A year ago, when someone like a stranger or just an acquaintance would do something nice for me, I would find myself going, "It's a shame that a perfect stranger will treat me nice but my own Son and DIL don't....blah blah blah".  Instead of appreciating the stranger's act, it would make me mad about all the unfairness.  Last night, FDIL was automatically carrying in grocerices, putting them away while I started dinner, asking to help, etc. and instead of it bringing about feelings of resentment because THOSE people should be nicer, I hugged her and told her that I appreciated her being the person she was.  She just kind of gave me a grin that was priceless.  I was smiling, laughing and only thinking how lucky I was to have such a wonderful person in my life and how blessed my YS was to have found such a special creature.

Later, when it hit me that I was just enjoying the person she was, I realized there were no feelings of resentment towards the other Son/DIL any longer.  I truly have reached the place of "their loss" and it didn't hurt.  So I can honestly say, in my case, it all was within me to fix the entire time.  It's my attitude and outlook that has changed because they haven't and probably never will.  It felt really good.
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Footloose on June 13, 2012, 07:40:25 AM
Pooh,  I cannot tell you how much it pleases me that you are getting what you truly deserve in your new found love and the respect to and from this gentle, young woman!  It is about time! I feel your warmth and kindness with each post and this is such great news!

Be careful bout cutting off the nose.  How the heck would u wear glasses?!  LOL!

How u describe the kindness and love from strangers is just what we have here in our little family of moms!  Louise, do you even know how much this site has helped so many? 

Just think of the savings in shrink fees, electro-shock therapy and medications!  LOL!!! Not to mention those who may not voice themselves here but by perusing stories, get enough courage and strength to try another day.

I knew the only child syndrome was not the best for sonny boy but never considered the effect on me.  I always wanted more children but could never find the man to remarry who would be good to BOTH of us.  It was not in my cards while raising him so we went it alone.  I really would have had at least 4 kids if I was in a good family unit. 

I know, def no guarantee but the odds would have been more favorable for a more connected family in my mid to older ages.  O well, ya get what ya get and I am NOT sorry I was a mom.  Even if it was to only one son.

To those of us with kids who have discarded us,  it is proof that we did such a fantastic job, they simply do not NEED us any longer.  Talk about overkill!  But we did NAIL the primary objectives of parenting.  To raise a self sufficient, independent, contributor to society who is a great spouse and parent to future generations.   

I am here, right now, on this planet for another reason beyond my FOO and this I must explore.  I have been given new freedom.  Freedom from guilt, control and negative energy.

I am healthy, even considering my mental issues, LOL!  I have a good job and career and am already planning my retirement.  Have been since I was in my 20s!  I am able to leave corp America in only 6 years but may decide to stay on some fashion.  Nice to have the choice!  I volunteer often and belong to organizations that offer support and resources for those with different abilities.  I get great joy from this too!

I finally met my true love and we wed last October.  He and I are excellent partners and he gives me great comfort in life and is a fun companion and helper.  He has been wonderful through my family issues and I told him the other day.  "In case u are wondering if you are doing the right thing by be during this grief process, you are doing EVERYTHING right!"  I tenderly kissed him while holding his dear face.  He got teary eyed and held me for a long time.  I do totally love this man!

So life goes on!  And so do I.  I DID relent from making the phone call to see if GD was born yet but I will remain available.  I have had the same contact info for my son's whole memory so he knows where to find me. This is MY time w/ DH.  I must CONTINUE ON MY OWN LIFE PATH, HUBBY BY MY SIDE AND ANGELS LIKE YOU ON MY SHOULDERS, CHEERING ME ON!

Bless you my friends and thanks for all of your free love to me and other strangers on this site!  HUGS<3
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Pooh on June 13, 2012, 07:52:38 AM
Well Footloose, I love all our WWU's here dearly but just in the short amount of time you have been here, you are truly an inspiration to me and I have already learned several things from your posts about the person I want to be.  So when you see one of those little angel crowds perched on your shoulder, quickly glance to the other shoulder and the little devil will probably be me!  (Don't listen to her, she will get you in trouble)
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Footloose on June 13, 2012, 09:19:26 AM
LOL!  Pooh!  again, me too!  HAHAHA! I must fling u off many times thru the day!

I was visiting with a friend on hospice at her home and the bottle of liquid morphine was there, right in front of her on her bed table.  It said "hello?" to me.  I was so upset about her going w/o food and water as she waited to pass!  It took weeks!   So the devil popped up and said, "do it?"   I flung u across the room and ignored the impulse to end her waiting and suffering.  Had too, not my place, not my role! But derned was it hard to resist.  Again, Ruth it's that dang Cognitive Dissonance!

I am the Queen of Cognitive Dissonance!
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Pooh on June 13, 2012, 12:18:19 PM
We kind of hijacked your thread jill....sorry.  I think jealousy is perfectly normal.  I don't think you should be trying to second guess where she was going and letting that make you jealous.  My imagination can be way worse on me than the actual truth. 
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Footloose on June 13, 2012, 12:30:48 PM
OOps,  Jill!  I did hijack this, didn't I?  U can see why I am in time out?  LOL! Anyway, dear friend you can see u are among friends here and i hope we are giving you some comfort even when we misbehave!  Forgive me?

Hugs! <3
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: jill1963 on June 27, 2012, 12:42:27 PM
hi,
No i didnt mind the hijacking of the thread, it was nice to see some light hearted banter lol, sorry its taken a while to post but only been on briefly.
Ruth you are right about not trying to read too much into things on facebook, sometimes easier said than done, but will try :-) and i will look for those open doors too, happiness is what i deserve as do we all, i just wish we could do it without all the drama from our AC and have everything harmonious :).

Jill x
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Elise on June 27, 2012, 09:55:31 PM
Only went on Facebook one time at DS's request to look at some photos he wanted me to see a few years ago, using his password given to me to enter. Saw an ' indiscreet' photo there he said he didn't know he had posted with the others.  He took it down when I told him about it. After that I figured I didn't need an account. A friend of mine has kids who give her access to their kids of her friends FB accounts and she told me a few things about them she had no reason to know, in the natue of gossip. I let her know I didn't think that was very nice and she has never mentioned any of it again. Now I figure they do that with my DS as well and maybe DIL as well and it doesn't bother me - I don't need to know or control her, them.  I seem to have no need to know what isn't brought to me directly, thank heaven. And really, who would possibly care when I washed my hair? I understand some find FB very useful in a variety of ways, just have not felt any need myself to go there and after reading so many problems and hurt feelings caused by FB useage, I figure this is an easy one for me to pass on. I don't need to go looking for trouble, it seems to find me all on its own. lol Maybe I don't see some photos or info many others know, yet I don't miss what I don't know about.
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: lancaster lady on June 28, 2012, 12:59:14 AM
My DIL used FB on a daily basis , all major events in her life were posted . Her wedding date for one , that's how I found out when my DS was getting married ! Also my gd was rushed to hospital with a gastric problem , good job I read it , otherwise I wouldnt have known . Surely having time to type messages takes longer than a phone call ? I don't want to know her every move , why.would I , but important news involving my family perhaps common courtesy  warrants a phone call ?  When I mentioned this , I was told thats how I keep people informed about things . Guess I was silly thinking I was more than 'people ' .
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: jill1963 on June 28, 2012, 05:07:16 AM
Lancaster Lady,

thats horrible, yes i think if my DD did that to me i would not be happy, general things on FB but not personal family issues, i think that should be done face to face or at the very least a phone call.
Saying that my DD has put things on FB ( nothing as serious as yours) when i have thought well you could of mentioned it before announcing it on FB and when i have tackled  her about it the response was it is easier saying on FB as it saves numerous phone calls :-\
I do think we get relegated from being parents and DM or DF's to 'people' when AC get a partner.  Not that i expect as much a role in my AC's lives just a more caring and thoughtful aspect than we get.

Jill X
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Lillycache on June 28, 2012, 05:44:58 AM
My DIL used FB on a daily basis , all major events in her life were posted . Her wedding date for one , that's how I found out when my DS was getting married ! Also my gd was rushed to hospital with a gastric problem , good job I read it , otherwise I wouldnt have known . Surely having time to type messages takes longer than a phone call ? I don't want to know her every move , why.would I , but important news involving my family perhaps common courtesy  warrants a phone call ?  When I mentioned this , I was told thats how I keep people informed about things . Guess I was silly thinking I was more than 'people ' .

That was my feeling when I sent a friend request to DIL...  (biggest mistake I've made in a long time)  It started WWIII.   My intent was to be kept in the loop and get to see pics of the GKs.   She felt that I was going to spy on her.  Her exact words... " If YOU see all the things I do with my FOO and not you.... you would be having a FIT all the time"    Funny, I've never in 12 years ever asked or questioned or cared what she did with her FOO or anyone else..  So I never was any more than just "people" or an unpleasant acquaintance to her. Funny... I thought I was family.   Cuz ya know.. when a man an woman marry they become ONE... yada yada yada...   
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Begonia on June 28, 2012, 06:00:50 AM
As I've mentioned on another thread, I deleted my FB account and do not miss it one bit.  Now I am not tempted to peek at what my AC are doing and be disappointed that I didn't know. And if they want to know what I'm doing they can email, text or call me.  Besides,  it's a time waster too, so deleting my account is just one way to make my life simpler.  It really is hurtful when someone didn't respond to my friend request and even more uncomfortable when I was not going to be friends with my X SIL, etc.  Nice not to have any of that anymore.
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: luise.volta on June 28, 2012, 09:48:56 AM
I've tried numerous times to be interested in FB. And I have shared there with my family, extended family and friends that are spread all over the globe; great granddaughter in Paris, grandson in Canada, son in Hawaii, etc. Kirk has posted news there about me and even YouTube videos of me recieving those Bank Of America and Foss Foundation awards for my Webwork. I have to admit that by not checking FB regularly, I have missed some epic things in my family, like my ex-DIL's cancer, so every once in a while I try again. (Everyone assumed I knew about her because it was on FB.) But…so much of it seems like a stream of consciousness (or lack thereo,) that I again put off trying to wade through it. Data about everything mundane, yes, even "I just washed my hair." Give me a break! It doesn't save time for me, it wastes it. And since I moved over to an iMac and a new digital camera, I find I am still inept at both so downloading my pictures isn't an option. My bad, I know. I feel so antiquated to prefer email to FB…just like I prefer Voicemail to texting. I'm kind of a very-up-to-date-dinosaur.  :( Up to date because where I live very few seniors even have computers and most of those who do can't figure out how to turn them on. :-) FB confuses me, as well, because each generation seems to have differrent concepts of what is personal and even ethical. Too big a gap at age 85.
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Pen on June 28, 2012, 07:03:58 PM
I'd love to be able to keep up with old friends, family doings, etc. on FB, but I dare not. I agree w/Luise, there's a different kind of etiquette there that I'm not up on. It could be a great tool, but I will wait until it's right for me.
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Ruth on June 29, 2012, 04:45:49 AM
It doesn't save time for me, it wastes it. And since I moved over to an iMac and a new digital camera, I find I am still inept at both so downloading my pictures isn't an option. My bad, of know. I feel so antiquated to prefer email to FB…just like I prefer Voicemail to texting. I'm kind of a very-up-to-date-dinosaur.  :( Up to date because where I live very few seniors even have computers and most of those who do can't figure out how to turn them on. :-) FB confuses me, as well, because each generation seems to have differrent concepts of what is personal and even ethical. Too big a gap at age 85.

I thought this was an excellent observation Luise and so well stated.  Maybe its just me, but I had a brief fb account, and it felt like an old deja vu romp into high school gym class.  Started out fun, all those pictures and contacts and I initially felt 'connected' but then something kicked in that felt like 'choosing up sides for softball'.  I was often the last one chosen because I was lousy in softball, and only contributed vastly to my low self esteem and shyness, and I felt the same way with f/b..  It just seemed to me largely to be a counterfeit 'Emperor's New Clothes' kind of friends and family, always doing the one up thing, a cruel and pointless chess game of sorts.  Anyway, I was fortunate enough to come to my senses early on and get away from that.  But  my younger g/s who is the sensitive shy one has been hurt by this, feeling left out and extremely hurt and rejected when 'unfriended' by some nincompoop.  Like you, Luise, I love real human contacts, and I do think letter writing has a lot of integrity and meaning, in all cultures and timelines.  We are often more who we really are when we take the time to write it down.  But I think when its written down for anything other than genuine communication with another person it can become terribly warped.  Does this make any sense???  p.s. Luise, by the way I also hate voicemail, I feel so fake on there and I have never texted (I still can't accept this absurd word) in my life.  I also loathe talking on the phone, almost physically painful, I wonder what this signifies and is anyone else like this?
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: luise.volta on June 29, 2012, 06:11:04 AM
R - It may be that we each define communication in our own way. To me it is about authentic connection and we probably all have varying degrees of that, truth be known. I use the phone superficially, for business, but personally it often feels like we never 'reached' each other beyond the superficial. The phone has just never been my medium although I have had many meaningful phone conversations. I feel it is often interruptive on the end of the person who receives the call and there is no visual. Voicemail seems handy for business, as well, like a reminder of an appointment. Give me Skype and I am even more uncomfortable. I love to sit quietly with another person and pass on superficiality in favor of listening well and sharing honestly. Snail-mail is something I don't miss because of the time factor. We ask something or recount something and it is usually over a week before a response is forthcoming. My love is email and forum posting…but not live chats. I like to think about what I have written and then hear back relatively soon. If it weren't for email, WWU and www.MyFitnessPal.com, I can't even begin to imagine how different my experience of living alone in a retirement center at age 85 would be. Sending love...
Title: Re: feel stupid and unreasonable but mind wont stop working overtime!
Post by: Footloose on July 05, 2012, 04:03:44 PM
Wiasw Women,  i agree on your FB comments as u have seen in my past theads.

FB is the most sophisticated way to become a voyeur and to also be ignored.  I am off FB and am on my 12 step program to just say no to FB! 

 ::)